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My Father Died last week and my MIL is angry because my SKs names weren't listed in the Obituary

Posted by on Jan. 22, 2014 at 11:20 PM
  • 34 Replies

My 85 year old father died suddenly last week.  He was an exceptional man, funny, smart, loving, kind, and devoted to God, my mother, and his family.   Before his death, he planned for his passing.   He saved the money for his funeral, bought life insurance, and marked a folder "DEATH" in which he wrote out directions to the Social Security office, instructions for his pension, etc.  Among the things he did was write his obituary!   In it he listed as survivors, my mother, me and my brother, and his two grandchildren.   He did not list my DH or my brother's wife.   He dearly loved both of them.   My brother's theory was that he only listed blood relatives thinking in-laws could have left the family through divorce, but blood family could never be anything but family. We don't really know his reasoning.   Maybe he just wasn't thinking.

 In any case, two days after the funeral, my MIL became really ugly with me about the obituary saying ,"I didn't know your dad thought so little of SD and SS that he would leave them out" and "after we  included __(my DS) in ours (my FIL's obituary) I would have thought you would have included SD and SS in your dad's."    I told her if we had it might hae looked odd since SD and SS hadn't bothered to come to the visitation.   She said maybe if I had put their names in the paper maybe they would have!    SD is 23 and SS is 26.   Neither of them have had anything to do with my dad since they were children.   They had not been close.   They never visited, called, or remembered them at birthdays, holidays, Christmas, etc.  

 This rant came AFTER my DH had explained the circumstances to her, and after he had said he should have proofread the typed obituary from the funeral home secretary, but had not thought to do so.   She still persisted.   After a few minutes of this conversation and my MIL getting more critical, I finally told her I wasn't going to listen to any criticism of my father, I had just buried him two days ago and he had looked after me my entire life until his death more than anyone else ever had.   What would you ladies do about a MIL like this going forward?   In MIL's family, "blood really is thicker than water." apparently.

by on Jan. 22, 2014 at 11:20 PM
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Replies (1-10):
GlockMom
by Gold Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 11:25 PM
8 moms liked this
I would tell the old bag to get stuffed.
Silent_Sea
by Silver Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 11:28 PM
I am sorry for your loss. Death brings out the ugliest in people. Try to have your husband shield you from things like this. He needs to be a buffer and if he can't do so then tell people you aren't up for company right now.
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Seychelles1409
by Silver Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 11:29 PM

I was enraged.    I worshipped my daddy.   I don't know how to forgive her words, her timing, or the tone of voice she used with me.   Who does that?

Quoting GlockMom: I would tell the old bag to get stuffed.


AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Jan. 22, 2014 at 11:42 PM
I'm sorry about your father. :(

I don't know what your MIL was thinking, it is obvious she wasn't. I cannot even imagine why she would think it was important at all, especially if the adult skifs were not close to him. It surely wasn't appropriate.


Quoting Seychelles1409:

I was enraged.    I worshipped my daddy.   I don't know how to forgive her words, her timing, or the tone of voice she used with me.   Who does that?

Quoting GlockMom: I would tell the old bag to get stuffed.


Kelvzz
by Member on Jan. 23, 2014 at 12:59 AM

That's terrible. I'm sorry for your loss. Your fathers wishes are his wishes regardless, he prepared and paid for his funeral which all the more gives him the right to have his wishes followed through. It could have been an oversight, it could have been he prepared his passing wishes and never thought to look at it again because he was living life in lieu of living for death, etc. It's not about what an obituary says or doesn't say its about his wishes and how he lived his life and how he treated people during his life. Most of all it really doesn't matter because she's fighting a fight over death. He's gone, what is that stupidity going to change. She needs to get over it. 

pdxmum
by Platinum Member on Jan. 23, 2014 at 2:06 AM

I'm sorry about your dad.  I lost my mom just about a year ago.  When we wrote the obituary, my brother and I (with his wife and DH there)included spouses (because my mom was so close to both of them), his DDs, my DDs and DHs two boys.  OSS was especially close to my mom.  She called him her "little shit".  He loved it.

We discussed but chose not to include SD.  DH and I married early '09 and she stopped coming to our home and started hating on us in late '09.  She barely knew my mom.

Well, SD chose to make a huge deal over it.  BM also got involved.  It was awful.  Almost unforgivable.  The only reason it isn't is because she is DHs daughter.

DH and I just made plans to go to Chicago for my mother's birthday to visit my brother and his family.  She died two days after her birthday and our 5 year anniversary is the day after she died.  Feels right to be with my brother for those dates.

CrunchMaMaBear
by Queen Crunch on Jan. 23, 2014 at 7:19 AM
Sorry about your dad, I personally think your dad choose to list only blood relatives, she shouldn't take it so personally
Tigress22304
by Platinum Member on Jan. 23, 2014 at 7:28 AM

tell her to fucking shove it where the sun doesn't shine.....seriously who the hell cares.

Your father wrote it the way he wanted to-leave it be.

Christ my MIL had a shit fit because my stepkids WERE included in a family obituary...saying "they're not a part of HER (my) family"

MIL's are crazy bitches....sic DH on her

singlemom416
by Member on Jan. 23, 2014 at 7:38 AM

I would have told mil to take a flying leap. Mil was rude and disrespectful

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Jan. 23, 2014 at 7:52 AM
Your father chose to only include blood relatives. He did not even include spouses, so I don't think there is any reason for her to be so offended. If she has further issues with it, tell her she can take it up with YOUR FATHER as it was his decision...oh wait, she can't, now can she? Well then, she just needs to go away.

Sometimes when people die, their last wishes ruffle people's feathers. There is really nothing you can do. Hand her a picture of your father and tell her this is who she needs to have thus discussion with, them slam the door in her face.

I'm sorry for your loss and this stress during this difficult time. I do hope you will have some peaceful time to grieve without her selfish interference.
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