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BM trying to keep DH from seeing SD b/c my DD is gay....

Posted by on Jan. 26, 2014 at 5:13 PM
  • 121 Replies

Ok, I realize this is a heavily weighted subject and all kinds of bashing may be on its way..... but here it goes....

I just recently found out my DD 18 is lesbian. She is the happiest she has ever been, and she is taking care of herself and her diabetes better than ever. Her gf is very sweet and has great manners and is a kind person. She comes from a great family and I couldnt be happier for both of them. I'm scared for them b/c of the "haters" out there, naturally. But I'm happy my girl is happy.

We have a rule in the house: no PDA. And NONE has ever been done around SD11. As far as I know, SD is clueless. My DD has had several friends hanging out here, just like regular high school girls do, nothing out of the ordinary. Well, somehow BM found out, Social Media I guess. I have no clue. She sends a message to DH that she isnt comfortable that SD11 come to visit, and supposedly SD isnt comfortable either. But BM has a history of excuses as to why SD shouldnt come visit. One side of me can understand the concern of a mother with so many newslines out there of sexually assaulted children. But my DD is not capable of that!!! She has a heart of gold and wouldnt hurt a fly!!! DH wont argue the fact that SD is safe, he wont back my DD, he just thinks that ignoring BM's attempts to communicate with him will "shut her up". This is his way of dealing w/ her about EVERYTHING. He ignores her texts, which I agree with at times when she is just drunk texting and trying to argue. But he also ignores them when it is a subject that needs to be discussed.

Can she legally keep SD away from DH just b/c she doesnt like the fact DD is gay? When there has been nothing done to give her any reason to feel her child is unsafe? Am I being unrealistic here thinking she should be okay with my DD?

by on Jan. 26, 2014 at 5:13 PM
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Replies (1-10):
leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jan. 26, 2014 at 5:22 PM

This is a tough one.

evilmom1975
by Member on Jan. 26, 2014 at 5:25 PM
Yeah!
And SD is happy around my DD. They get along great. Even after BM claims she's "uncomfortable".

Quoting leegirl_jm:

This is a tough one.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jan. 26, 2014 at 5:27 PM

A BM can create a huge deal if she feels strongly about this issue, what are DH's custodial rights? For your DD's safety, don't allow her to be around SD alone.

Quoting evilmom1975: Yeah!
And SD is happy around my DD. They get along great. Even after BM claims she's "uncomfortable".

Quoting leegirl_jm:

This is a tough one.


Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

Alexsmommy1205
by Member on Jan. 26, 2014 at 5:28 PM

I guess that SD would have to stop going to school or out in public for that matter.  She is going to see things and be exposed to different things everywhere she goes. There are much worse things out there to worry about.  I would not think that she can do anything legally because she has no cause.  However, as aggravating as it all is, you have to let DH deal with this how he feels that he needs to.  He is the one who has to communicate with BM.  Let him work it out, even if you do not agree with his method.

evilmom1975
by Member on Jan. 26, 2014 at 5:33 PM
Dh gets SD a weekend a month, those days are specifically mapped out in the court papers.
DD doesn't spend time with her alone, truthfully, she takes off and is gone most of the time SD is here. Only time she's around is if we're doing something as a family, like dinner, bowling, etc. She doesn't even have her gf here when SD is here....

Quoting leegirl_jm:

A BM can create a huge deal if she feels strongly about this issue, what are DH's custodial rights? For your DD's safety, don't allow her to be around SD alone.

Quoting evilmom1975: Yeah!

And SD is happy around my DD. They get along great. Even after BM claims she's "uncomfortable".



Quoting leegirl_jm:

This is a tough one.


Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Jan. 26, 2014 at 5:36 PM
3 moms liked this

I suppose if BM really felt strongly about it, she could file for a modification and get it CO'd that your DH could only visit with his DD away from your home if your DD is there.

But I suspect that your DH knows what he's doing in ignoring this email for now.  I can understand that you might wish for him to take up for your DD, defend her if you will. But sometimes, doing nothing is the absolute right decision.

BM in my sitch will often throw a fit about some new piece of news, a change, whatever...but when given time to process, it usually just goes away.  If you press the issue, it tends to ramp things up in a lot of cases.

I think it's kind of weird how people think that LGBT=child molestor, but a lot of people seem to go there which is sad. 

If your SD really felt uncomfortable, do you think she'd talk to her dad about it?  It seems to me that most kids don't have any issues that aren't "given" to them when it comes to adult sexuality.



AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Jan. 26, 2014 at 5:39 PM

No.  Why would she be able to? If BM's kid was  a boy would she be able to keep him away just because your adult DD had a boyfriend? No.  Of course not. It is the exact same.  Just because your DD is a lesbian is not a good reason to stop visiation!

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Jan. 26, 2014 at 5:40 PM

How long have DH and BM been divorced?  How long has he dealt with any of her texts/messages as he is now (ignoring them)?  Has this been successful in the past (from his POV)? 

It sounds like you are being unreasonable here thinking BM should be ok with your DD.  Or did you mean your SD should be ok with your DD?  I wasn't positive which 'she' you were referring to.

I'd leave this one up to your DH and how he wants to handle it with BM is completely up to him. 

evilmom1975
by Member on Jan. 26, 2014 at 5:40 PM
1 mom liked this
Yeah, and I'm not just trying to bash BM out of bitchiness....but before this, she has tried everything under the sun to sabotage DH visitation. Too long of a list to put here. I've stepped aside and let him deal with her on his own, but now she's using my kid and I guess I see it differently now....it was ok when she just used her hate for me, but not my kid. Unfortunately, I'm in defensive mode when I need to just ignore her. I'm not going to react by calling or texting her, thats why I just want to vent here...

Quoting Alexsmommy1205:

I guess that SD would have to stop going to school or out in public for that matter.  She is going to see things and be exposed to different things everywhere she goes. There are much worse things out there to worry about.  I would not think that she can do anything legally because she has no cause.  However, as aggravating as it all is, you have to let DH deal with this how he feels that he needs to.  He is the one who has to communicate with BM.  Let him work it out, even if you do not agree with his method.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Jan. 26, 2014 at 5:50 PM
1 mom liked this
I really hate judgemental people in regards to someone else's sexuality. I'm trying to teach my children acceptance and tolerance of others beliefs and choices. This would be a hard one for me.

With all of that said - I think your husband is doing the right thing by ignoring her. I would ignore my ex if he brought this to me. It is quite different if your dd was a sex offender but she's not so this shouldn't be an issue at all. She's committed no crime.

If this were ME and I were dad in your situation - I would ignore mom but I would talk to my child. I would ask her flat out if she knows that her stepsister is gay (I'm not sure the politically correct term would be here). And I would ask her if she is uncomfortable.

Our kids are going to run in to so many different people in life - for mom to expect her dd to never meet a lesbian or to be friends with a woman who is a lesbian, to me is just naive of mom.

My niece is lesbian. It took me by surprise bc she was always in to boys and boy crazy during middle school. She's such a cute girl - sweet girl - girly girl. It just surprised me to find out she moved in with a woman and is in a relationship with her. Only bc I was ignorant for so long I expected my niece to marry a hunk of a boy and have a Cinderella wedding bc of all of those boy crazy years. She is in the best relationship of her life so far. So extremely happy. I don't think I've ever seen her this happy. And in turn I am happy for her. It's just normal for us. We don't judge. And we don't even think about it. Oh she's gay. Never! She's just my sweet niece who has a sweet girlfriend and they are making a life for themselves and are very happy. I'm sorry this mom is making waves about your daughter. I believe mom is wrong but that's just my opinion.

Eta: I think you are wanting your husband to defend your daughter to his ex. Not because she is his ex but because you know your daughter is going to be judged and face many different stereotypes and hate from people. Don't fight this battle. You can't fight them all. Your daughter doesn't need to be defended here. The best way to shut it down is to ignore it.
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