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BM is really playing dirty in CS modification

Posted by on Jan. 26, 2014 at 8:53 PM
  • 45 Replies
1 mom liked this

BM has opened a child support review for modification. Currently, DH pays $900/mo, provides health insurance, half of medical, and half of all extras. Custody is 60/40.

So, we just received additional paperwork that BM had submitted to the attorney's office overseeing the case, and it was 4 pages of false statements and exaggerations, with the intent of making DH look like an uninvolved, disinterested dad who has tons of money that he just chooses not to share with the kids, and making her look like the poor victim in all of this.

Here are just a few examples

  1. That BM cashed in her retirement to pay DH's debts leaving her without retirement (the truth: BM used her retirement for a down payment on their first house together and as a result received 1/2 of DH's retirement in the divorce). 
  2. That DH drops the kids off at BM's house before school so then she is responsible for getting them to school (the truth: they walk from her house to school, she's not even there). 
  3. That DH never goes to any events or provides transportation if it's not his day (the truth: DH always goes to events unless he's working, and during basketball season DH actually went to BM's house after work, picked up SS13, took him to practice, picked him back up, and dropped him off at BMs. And last winter when the weather was horrible, I drove to BM's every morning and took the kids to school so they wouldn't have to walk).
  4. That DH hasn't paid for 1/2 of things in 7 years, including medical expenses (the truth: DH has always paid for half of medical and orthodontics as required, and also half of everything else that's not required. He does have proof. The ONLY expense he refused in 7 years is 1/2 of lacrosse this past December, because 1) it was christmas time and 2) this CS stuff was already going on and he was getting worried.

There are so many more, but for the sake of time and space I'll stop there. The point it, she was clearly trying to paint a picture of a dad that's completely uninvolved in his kids lives and not willing to support them any more than he has to - which could not be farther from the truth. DH is a wonderful father that would do anything for his kids. But DH already lives paycheck to paycheck, and he truly could not afford to pay more than $900 a month without us having to find ways to cut expenses by moving to a smaller place. My income is separate from his, but I have so much student loan debt, I can't afford to pay him more than the small amount I pay each month to help out with utilities, food, and rent ($300/mo).

To provide a little financial info: The $900/mo in child support makes it so BM makes $630/mo more than DH. BM is seeking the full amount stated on the worksheets (which doesn't account for any custody deviations) of $1455/mo. This would mean BM's net income would be $1721 greater than DH's - for 60/40 custody. She's also demanding 1/2 of everything else on top of that.

I understand that all the court will consider is the incomes and custody, so neither of us are really worried about her getting the full amount. 

What I'm struggling with is that my husband is even having to deal with this! I love him so much, and I am protective of him, and this has just been so stressful. Even though his financial situation doesn't directly affect me (except for us having to move to a smaller house, which I'd be fine with but I doubt the kids would be, since right now they all get their own rooms), it's just so hard to see him have to go through this. I just don't understand this mindset of just wanting to ruin someone financially, for what? How will this benefit the kids?


by on Jan. 26, 2014 at 8:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jan. 26, 2014 at 9:01 PM


Quoting runinpinkshoes:


  1. That BM cashed in her retirement to pay DH's debts leaving her without retirement (the truth: BM used her retirement for a down payment on their first house together and as a result received 1/2 of DH's retirement in the divorce). 
  2. That DH drops the kids off at BM's house before school so then she is responsible for getting them to school (the truth: they walk from her house to school, she's not even there). 
  3. That DH never goes to any events or provides transportation if it's not his day (the truth: DH always goes to events unless he's working, and during basketball season DH actually went to BM's house after work, picked up SS13, took him to practice, picked him back up, and dropped him off at BMs. And last winter when the weather was horrible, I drove to BM's every morning and took the kids to school so they wouldn't have to walk).

I don't see how any of the above things can have an impact on CS one way or the other. Why not just ignore those claims?

  1. That DH hasn't paid for 1/2 of things in 7 years, including medical expenses (the truth: DH has always paid for half of medical and orthodontics as required, and also half of everything else that's not required. He does have proof. The ONLY expense he refused in 7 years is 1/2 of lacrosse this past December, because 1) it was christmas time and 2) this CS stuff was already going on and he was getting worried.

if he has the receipts to prove that (or some evidence, cancelled checks, etc), he should have nothing to worry about.

Think of CS modifications like buying  a car.  It's just business. Both parties want the best deal they can get.


runinpinkshoes
by Silver Member on Jan. 26, 2014 at 9:22 PM

I know that you're right in that the courts won't consider anything other than numbers, but he's going in front of a judge on February 4th, and I worry that this paperwork is going to bias them into thinking he's some deadbeat dad (when nothing could be farther than the truth) and slant them in their final decision. Because the deviation they decide on is ultimately up to them.

And honestly, it's not about the money. I mean, yes, obviously it would ruin DH financially if he had his child support increased. But the stress of it comes from dealing with someone that is SO greedy, that will say and do whatever it takes to increase her bottom line without thought of what it does to another person. I honestly cannot understand that mentality. 

And I'm not at all saying he shouldn't pay child support, but he and I would also like to be financially secure. To have a family, to be able to buy a house. We both bring issues into the marriage that make that difficult - for him, it's his obligations to his ex and their kids together. For me, it's my astronomical student loans. So no one is at fault. It's just hard when, at 41 and 35, we're both still struggling so much financially, and then to have this happen. It's the unknowing, and the feeling that you're subject to the courts whose information will be based on lies, that makes it stressful. And not to mention the impact it would have on his kids!


Quoting whatIknownow:


Quoting runinpinkshoes:


  1. That BM cashed in her retirement to pay DH's debts leaving her without retirement (the truth: BM used her retirement for a down payment on their first house together and as a result received 1/2 of DH's retirement in the divorce). 
  2. That DH drops the kids off at BM's house before school so then she is responsible for getting them to school (the truth: they walk from her house to school, she's not even there). 
  3. That DH never goes to any events or provides transportation if it's not his day (the truth: DH always goes to events unless he's working, and during basketball season DH actually went to BM's house after work, picked up SS13, took him to practice, picked him back up, and dropped him off at BMs. And last winter when the weather was horrible, I drove to BM's every morning and took the kids to school so they wouldn't have to walk).

I don't see how any of the above things can have an impact on CS one way or the other. Why not just ignore those claims?

  1. That DH hasn't paid for 1/2 of things in 7 years, including medical expenses (the truth: DH has always paid for half of medical and orthodontics as required, and also half of everything else that's not required. He does have proof. The ONLY expense he refused in 7 years is 1/2 of lacrosse this past December, because 1) it was christmas time and 2) this CS stuff was already going on and he was getting worried.

if he has the receipts to prove that (or some evidence, cancelled checks, etc), he should have nothing to worry about.

Think of CS modifications like buying  a car.  It's just business. Both parties want the best deal they can get.



whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jan. 26, 2014 at 9:36 PM

I don't think it will bias them. Well no one can say for sure, but I don't think it will. 

He can refute all her claims about his involvment, but I don't think the judge is the least bit interested in hearing about any of that. 

Quoting runinpinkshoes:

I know that you're right in that the courts won't consider anything other than numbers, but he's going in front of a judge on February 4th, and I worry that this paperwork is going to bias them into thinking he's some deadbeat dad (when nothing could be farther than the truth) and slant them in their final decision. Because the deviation they decide on is ultimately up to them.

And honestly, it's not about the money. I mean, yes, obviously it would ruin DH financially if he had his child support increased. But the stress of it comes from dealing with someone that is SO greedy, that will say and do whatever it takes to increase her bottom line without thought of what it does to another person. I honestly cannot understand that mentality. 

And I'm not at all saying he shouldn't pay child support, but he and I would also like to be financially secure. To have a family, to be able to buy a house. We both bring issues into the marriage that make that difficult - for him, it's his obligations to his ex and their kids together. For me, it's my astronomical student loans. So no one is at fault. It's just hard when, at 41 and 35, we're both still struggling so much financially, and then to have this happen. It's the unknowing, and the feeling that you're subject to the courts whose information will be based on lies, that makes it stressful. And not to mention the impact it would have on his kids!


Quoting whatIknownow:


Quoting runinpinkshoes:


  1. That BM cashed in her retirement to pay DH's debts leaving her without retirement (the truth: BM used her retirement for a down payment on their first house together and as a result received 1/2 of DH's retirement in the divorce). 
  2. That DH drops the kids off at BM's house before school so then she is responsible for getting them to school (the truth: they walk from her house to school, she's not even there). 
  3. That DH never goes to any events or provides transportation if it's not his day (the truth: DH always goes to events unless he's working, and during basketball season DH actually went to BM's house after work, picked up SS13, took him to practice, picked him back up, and dropped him off at BMs. And last winter when the weather was horrible, I drove to BM's every morning and took the kids to school so they wouldn't have to walk).

I don't see how any of the above things can have an impact on CS one way or the other. Why not just ignore those claims?

  1. That DH hasn't paid for 1/2 of things in 7 years, including medical expenses (the truth: DH has always paid for half of medical and orthodontics as required, and also half of everything else that's not required. He does have proof. The ONLY expense he refused in 7 years is 1/2 of lacrosse this past December, because 1) it was christmas time and 2) this CS stuff was already going on and he was getting worried.

if he has the receipts to prove that (or some evidence, cancelled checks, etc), he should have nothing to worry about.

Think of CS modifications like buying  a car.  It's just business. Both parties want the best deal they can get.




aeELE
by Bronze Member on Jan. 26, 2014 at 9:40 PM
1 mom liked this

I can commiserate. 

Lies told to try to make DH look like a deadbeat... It's not terrible for yourself because you know it's bullshit. You see what your husband is doing and contributing. But what that shit does to DH... It's heart rending. I can't imagine what it must be like to have someone you once loved, someone you trusted and made a child with, use their intimate knowledge of your past to try to prejudice people against you for their own gain. And who knows who will be believed? It's nauseating... 

I haven't figured out how to deal with it, but I hope they see through it. 

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jan. 26, 2014 at 10:02 PM
1 mom liked this

You have to take into consideration (if you're reading the papers that BM filed) that it was written by her attorney...which probably means that anything she said was probably inflated and over-exaggerated by her attorney to make BM's case for more money look better.


Eternity807
by Bronze Member on Jan. 27, 2014 at 9:36 AM
1 mom liked this
I know it sucks to hear someone talk about your DH like he's a deadbeat, but I wouldn't worry too much about it affecting his CS. The judge only cares about the numbers. Not back and forth bickering he said she said between the parents.
OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Jan. 27, 2014 at 9:44 AM
1 mom liked this

DH also got a bunch of LIES on each lawsuit.  These enraged me most of all.  Everyone told me the same--that they were just words and I shouldn't let them bother me and the judge wouldn't necessarily believe them, blah blah.  But I was so pissed about them.  They were equally ridiculous things that were written about how BM paid CS every month when in fact she never paid once.  I wanted DH to write up a bunch of lies, in turn, to present to the judge if this was the way things "worked". 

Turned out that none of the lawsuits ever panned out--all were decided in DH's favor, and DH never lied and just defended himself.  He also had an excellent lawyer.  But hearing about this from you makes me recall how angry these things made me.

 

Quoting aeELE:

I can commiserate. 

Lies told to try to make DH look like a deadbeat... It's not terrible for yourself because you know it's bullshit. You see what your husband is doing and contributing. But what that shit does to DH... It's heart rending. I can't imagine what it must be like to have someone you once loved, someone you trusted and made a child with, use their intimate knowledge of your past to try to prejudice people against you for their own gain. And who knows who will be believed? It's nauseating... 

I haven't figured out how to deal with it, but I hope they see through it. 

 

Married, CSM to SD14 & SS12, CBM to DS12 & DD9

Leigh84
by Silver Member on Jan. 27, 2014 at 10:12 AM
1 mom liked this
When BM had custody she tried something similar. They were in mediation and the mediator saw right thru it. Try not to stress too much about it. I know, easier said then done. Hang in there.
SnapIt
by Bronze Member on Jan. 27, 2014 at 10:33 AM
Bring all receipts

Once in awhile SOs ex brings him to court for stupid shit
She knows she cant complain on CS or try to get more because hes up on all receipts for what ever EXTRAs he buys for the kids
So she tries other ways and always loses because he brings proof.

Shes slowing down now because shes the one paying for her own lawyer and its coming out of her pocket for nothing shes gaining. Shes wasting money
Since they have to keep going to the same court her name will come up on computer and he told her to continue taking him if she wants, he can afford it and she cant and within time they will recognize her name and see she just a money grubber.
That slowed her down
Its been awhile and she has nothing left to go back for. But he knows she will try again for something.

This yr she has to find another acct to do her taxes. He told the acct to chose.
Last yr she tried to get the acct to give her info and the acct to him about it. The acct wprks for his business and theyve been using the acct for yrs. The acct would still work for his business but his ex would be chump change if the acct went with the ex as oppose to doing his taxes. She wanted the acct to fudge something in her favor. Then she tried taking him to court after for money. She lost yet again and they even had to have the acct in court.
She cant pull that this yr.

Keep anything, everything
Keep all receipts, payments, bills etc
Dont forget to bring them all in.
And
Make her bring her own receipts too
Very important
Check to see if its paid in ck or cash
Her CC should match the number on the receipts or the name
If its paid in cash, check to see what items were bought and if would match up with the kids. Needs and sizes.
She can have friends and family hand her receipts to side with her.
The lawyers should go over them with a fine tooth comb
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Jan. 27, 2014 at 4:10 PM
1 mom liked this

 what a bitch. well just go to court armed with the proof to refute it.

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