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Co-parenting: is it all or nothing?

Posted by on Jan. 28, 2014 at 10:16 PM
  • 13 Replies

Do you think a BM and BD can co-parent on some things and not others? Or is at all or nothing type situation?

Our situation is a bit high conflict, there's ZERO communication between DH and BM outside of email unless it's an absolute emergency. This makes co-parenting somewhat difficult because decisions either need to be put off until BM responds to an email or DH just has to make decisions and update BM as to what he's decided.

BM has had very little input it SD's medical care, education, or pretty much anything. She's previously sent emails where she's threatened to take DH back to court for XYZ because he didn't wait for her to give an option, but then she NEVER gives an opinion. On the other hand, she's also sent several emails where she specifically says, "I approve of the choices you and SM are making for SD."

But then there is ZERO communication from BM about what goes on at her house during visits. DH has no idea if SD is doing her therapy exercises, reading (she's supposed to read daily for homework), wearing her eye patch, etc. Sometimes SD says she does that, but SD also often lies about therapy stuff because she hates doing it, so at home DH does her therapy exercises with her (so it's more fun for her).

So, do you think that co-parenting is all or nothing? Or can there be areas where the parents work together and areas where each parent does what they feel is best during their custodial time?

by on Jan. 28, 2014 at 10:16 PM
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Replies (1-10):
MommySabs
by Gold Member on Jan. 28, 2014 at 10:20 PM
I think co-parenting is custom to each situation. What works for one won't work for all.
MommySabs
by Gold Member on Jan. 28, 2014 at 10:20 PM
I think co-parenting is custom to each situation. What works for one won't work for all.
MommySabs
by Gold Member on Jan. 28, 2014 at 10:21 PM
I think co-parenting is custom to each situation. What works for one won't work for all.
Thom3Mom
by Member on Jan. 28, 2014 at 10:27 PM

I believe there are some things that can be decided without talking to the other parent. It sounds like the child has medical issues and I think those should always be decided/discussed. 

Singlemama52
by on Jan. 28, 2014 at 10:28 PM
We have very little communication, as his wife won't allow it, and wants it to be done through her, which I will not do, since it's between my sons father and I.

I talk to him (when she allows) and he won't give input back, and says okay. Conversation over. I at least make an effort. We actually can coparent very well if she wasn't trying to control all situations.
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Jan. 28, 2014 at 10:39 PM

Yes, SD has a rare genetic birth disorder which requires a lot of specialists, and also requires in the moment decisions that can't wait until BM gets around to maybe answering an email.

SD's orthopedic surgeon was discussing the possibility of surgery to correct bone deformities related to SD's disorder. DH and the orthopedic surgeon discussed options and came to what they felt was the best decision at the time of the appointment  (BM was living 5 mintues away at the time, but bailed on the appointment at the last minute for whatever reason). DH then emailed BM about the appointment and let her know what the orthopedic surgeon said (the surgery was not medically necessary at this point, it would be an elective surgery if it was done).

BM did not engage DH in communication about the appointment, she instead called the orthopedic surgeon and tried to schedule the surgery for the summer.

 

Quoting Thom3Mom:

I believe there are some things that can be decided without talking to the other parent. It sounds like the child has medical issues and I think those should always be decided/discussed. 


progressandjoy
by Silver Member on Jan. 28, 2014 at 10:52 PM
I do not think it's all or nothing.

DH and BM have come a long way in their co-parenting relationship. They get together on big issues (trouble at school, consistent negative behavior, health updates), but have generally adopted a "your time, your house, your decision" method of dealing with daily decisions.
tmac891
by on Jan. 28, 2014 at 10:52 PM

I feel the parents need to be on the same page for the most part  there are times there will be conflict because that is just the way it is. When it comes to the major stuff like the therapy  I feel it needs to be consistant. I dont like doing  homework with my SS at times because he is just so unfocused and we have to keep him on task ( of corse he is only 7 and kids at that age dont have a huge attention span unless sponge bob is on)   They have to keep in mind its for the kids not for them .  The little stuff  I can let slide.   My SS's mother  refuses to communicate with his father.  She does have my number I feel it is important  because I am a big part of raising her son ( i am in no way shape or form trying to replace her)  but he is apart of  my life now and as they say it takes a villiage .. It really does

progressandjoy
by Silver Member on Jan. 28, 2014 at 11:04 PM
For some reason, I just remembered this ..

A few months back, when BM was picking up SS, she told DH - "Just a head's up, I'm going to take you to court for full custody and ask that you pay child support. I just wanted to let you know before I filed, because if you just agree we won't have to go to court and you won't have to pay my court fees."

DH told her okay and he'd proceed with his own plans after he got the paperwork. They then discussed SS's weekend, the medication plan for his ear infection, and BM asked to keep SS for a weekend.

I couldn't believe it! BM just told DH she was taking him to court, and afterwards they calmly discussed - and most importantly - agreed on different issues.

After BM left DH was pissed and nervous, but he was able to put that aside for SS's sake. I think that is the key to co-parenting.
lillettemomma
by on Jan. 28, 2014 at 11:13 PM
I think coparenting should be custom to the situation however in my situation I am going to have to go to court to have it spelled out.... I am the ncp due to exdh lying to the court about me and about himself....exdh takes that to mean he is totally in charge and I am nothing which is not what we agreed to in court.... He is totally ignored the CO for 6 months and has been banning my contact with my son.... I am supposed to have EOWE plus a phone call every night....at this point I have not seen my son in 6 months and have only spoke to him a handful.of times total..... and exdh refuses to talk to me or set up a time to meet (we live 3 hours apart) as set in our court order...... I am trying to get.my life together a.little better before I spend the money to go back to court to have the schedule changed.... it sucks cause my son is missing out on time with me his soon to be sd and his sisters....and exdh is basically brainwashing my son against me....
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