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BM's boyfriend discipline by smacking and spanking

Posted by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:37 AM
  • 32 Replies

 Hi All, 

I am new to this web site and I hope there is someone out there that can point me in the right direction. I am at my witts end.  I live in Florida with my boyfriend.  He has two children 11yr boy and 8yr girl from his previous marriage.  We found out last night that the BM's live in boyfriend is disciplining the children with spankings and smacking them in the back of the legs and face when they mis behave or don't respond to him.  Neither of us believe that they are being "abused" but find this COMPLETELY inappropriate.  He (the father) attempted to have a conversation about it with the BM and her boyfriend but they both refused.  It ended with the two parents in a huge fight and nothing resolved.  

As I have a very good / healthy relationship with my ex husband and we have always agreed on the raising and discipline of our children together I am completely lost on how to navigate this situation.  

My boyfriend (the father) wants to call the police and attempt to have the children removed immediately.  I don't believe that it needs to be that extreem and I am attempting to find an alternate solution that will address the issue but not involve such drastic messaures.  

Any suggestions would be greatly appreciated :) 

by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:37 AM
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Replies (1-10):
amomynous_j
by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:42 AM
7 moms liked this

this is a case for CPS..the police won't intervene unless CPS require them to be removed from the home..

i'm not sure how one can say this ISN'T abuse, because it very clearly is. a spank on the bum is debatable, but in the face and elsewhere? completely unacceptable. 

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 11:50 AM
1 mom liked this
Research the laws on corporal punishment in your state.
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 11:52 AM
When my SD was living out of state, we were having this issue with her SF. The local police told us that if SD called them whole she had mark of any kind from SF, they would arrest and charge him.

Quoting mb1111:

My first thought is if it was just a spank on the butt and wasn't hard enough to leave any lasting marks I probably wouldn't worry about it.  However, the smacking the face is over the line to me...I personally would consider that borderline abuse.  It's such a debatable topic though.  Some people would think smacking the face is ok.  My advice would be to take the kids to a counselor to get a second opinion unless of course you're seeing marks left on the kids.

Arucana
by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 1:04 PM
2 moms liked this

That depends, if you have not seen it, then the kids may be saying "slap or smack" when it's a one or two finger tap to remind them to pay attention/look at adult or to be quiet and listen.


Too often people cry abuse when it isn't and we now have kids growing up doing as they please because they know all they will get is "No no little one, that was bad so go to your room for an hour." While that might work on some kids, for some it doesn't mean a thing and they are going to do as they please, be disrespectful and cause problems because to them, nothing will happen when they do anyway.


I've seen the results in my own grandkids. No respect for anyone or anything, they run all over the neighborhhod at all hours, don't do homework or chores, and, two are banned form my house for getting into things in my room and taking food out of the refigerator without asking. It isn't even their house and they think they own the place so, they cannot come inside my home until they learn to respect my home and my rules. I can't correct them, their parents have a strick no toch the kids policy toward any adult, they wonl;t even touch the kids. Disipline is tell them it was wrong and send them to their room for 1 minute per year of age. taht's all.


Be sure it is abuse before reporting it as such. An open hand spaking or a tap to the cheek is not abuse at all IMHIO.

BET101
by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 1:34 PM

Thank you so much for all the good suggestions!  We don't belive that they are making it up or exaggerating since they both came to us seperate with pretty much the same story line - each one was worried about the other one.  We don't want there to be an absence of discipline we just don't believe that any form of physical actions should be taking place if it isn't from the BPs.  

I just wish the BPs had communication together to avoid having to involve any sort of Family Services, but from what I can research I think that is going to be the only way :(

AmyB118
by NA Rocks on Feb. 3, 2014 at 1:40 PM
1 mom liked this
In MD corporal punishment is acceptable unless you leave marks. As far as I know this is only for BPs. Not sure if a BP is allowed to extend this right to others. I'd call CPS and have them sort it out. At a minimum, it may be that they need a parenting class to learn to give age appropriate and situation appropriate punishments.

DD15 isn't a kid who physical punishment works for. We learned that early on; however, DH wouldn't spank her if the need arose. That would be MY job as BM. He's within his right to give time outs, take privileges etc. and he's raised her since she was 4.

Quoting amomynous_j:

this is a case for CPS..the police won't intervene unless CPS require them to be removed from the home..

i'm not sure how one can say this ISN'T abuse, because it very clearly is. a spank on the bum is debatable, but in the face and elsewhere? completely unacceptable. 

stemp387
by Bronze Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 1:51 PM

I would report this-it's unacceptable and what if something serious happens because of this?

shekyram
by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 2:12 PM
1 mom liked this

Are thy coming back with marks?  CPS service does not say you can't spank your children but they do say it has to be on the bottom.  Now slapping is a different issue and I'm unclear wih this because SS's came home with a slight pink (they are lighter skinned and obviously some time had passed) mark on his face from BM's house......when asked about it he said she hit him in the face with a shoe.  DH called CPS and they came out and looked at him and said that the mark was not significant and can't be proved to be a shoe.  Another time SS came home with an iron burn on his back and was not taken to the doctor for it until he returned home.......the doctor called CPS because it was a third degree burn and no medical treatment was given.  They called her in and she said it was an accident...case was closed.  I just seen so many different things done with SS's and other people that I'm not sure anymore.  I hope you guys get a resolution to this.....good luck.

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 2:22 PM

Research the laws for corporal punishment in the state where BM lives, assuming it's the state where the CO was written. You and BF live in FL but where do BM and her boyf live?  Rules/laws can be different in different states. 

If the kids are left with marks then I'd document them (take them to a doctor to document them if you must) and involve CPS.  Then CPS can determine whether the children need to be removed (temporarily or permanently) or not. 

Has anyone else witnessed this behavior from the boyf? 

I might also encourage the kids to each talk to a counselor to trusted teacher at their school, this way it' son record sooner than when they come to visit their BF. 

BET101
by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 3:15 PM

  We all live in Florida, and no there have not been any bruises or marks on either of the children - THANKFULLY.  I have researched the "punishment" statues here and we will be contacting CPS today to make a report.  There isn't much more that we can do other than that at this time since it is classified as a "Parenting Issue" and there are no laws broken.  Definately will have this documented - hopefully it will be enough to keep the boyfriend from disciplining with his hands instead of his words. 


Thanks again all :D

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