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I am not their parent but also not their friend I am their SM.

Posted by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:58 AM
  • 22 Replies

Over the past few years I have come to realize that SO and I have different parenting styles.  I am more strict and he is more layed back.  SO has 2 kids and I have 2 kids.  I thought he was like this because he only gets his kids EOWE and didn't want to punish them while they were over here.  SO and I had a conversation this weekend and I realized that he has always been like this.  SO talks to his kids about what they did wrong but doesn't punish them.  I on the other hand punish my kids by making them sit in their rooms or send them to bed early or take things away like TV and video games.  Something happen this weekend with SD and SO talked to her and I was like that is it she doesn't get a punishment she just gets talked to.  I felt like something more need to get done.  I have always felt with my kids that I am their mother not their friend.  Now with skids I don't want to be the evil step mother but I also want them to have rules and if they don't follow the rules there are punishments.  But I am not their parent they have 2 parents.  Even though sometimes I think my SO try's to be their friend and I know BM try's to be their friend.  I see SO and BM trying to out do each other with "What parent can be more fun" So Dad takes them skating and then mom next week takes them skating and a movie.  BM is just petty like that and always has to out do us.  SO has stop that stupid game but still wants to do fun things with his kids.  Anyway there are times I feel like I am the only real  adult here and the only real parent here but I am not skids parent.  So what do I do.  I am open for suggestions. 

by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:58 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 11:01 AM

you gotta realize you can't change how they are....if that's what BM and SO do to parent-then you gotta let it go.

PJs35
by Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 11:07 AM
1 mom liked this

 This..I've come to realize over the last couple of weeks that this is just simply true. However, I no longer let DH punish my son for wrong doing either. It's a two way street.

Quoting Tigress22304:

you gotta realize you can't change how they are....if that's what BM and SO do to parent-then you gotta let it go.

 

kgbm13
by Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 11:08 AM
1 mom liked this

your right we are no the parents but we are adults in the kids life and kids should respect all adults period.  rules broken = consequences be it a natural one caused by their actions or one we adults give them.  I see my role like that of an Aunt vs that of a mother.  but i was also told by a friend that i was their "other mother" when they are with us.  liked that term.  As the adults in the home you have to find a good co-parenting place for all the kids.  I have no kids myself, but have two step daughters and we talked about the rules for the kids and then i followed the rules and since then we are on one team dispite H 9yrs old tries from time to time to test boundaries.  Being the fun parent isn't what the child needs like you said they need structure rules and consequences because once they reach 18 they won' know how to handle the real world full of structure, rules and consequences.

Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 11:18 AM


Quoting PJs35:

 This..I've come to realize over the last couple of weeks that this is just simply true. However, I no longer let DH punish my son for wrong doing either. It's a two way street.


Right-I learned early on. And when DH and I moved in together...I told him-I don't agree with your parenting style just like you don't agree with mine.

Don't discipine my daughter-let me handle it. Just like if there are issues with either stepkid when DH is home-I send them to their father and let him deal.

But my situation is different because my DD is mentally delayed and the stepkids aren't.


NTMBeth
by Bronze Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 11:21 AM

Same deal for me! In almost every way, except we have the kids 50/50 and not EOWE.

My DH is much more easy going and I am pretty uptight (admittedly). We have very different parenting styles, HOWEVER we remain respectful of eachother and discuss things and support decisions. 

It wasn't always this way. A few years ago I would read my DH the riot act if he parented in a way that differed from myself. But I have learned that I am not the end all... I don't have all of the answers. 

So, I strenghtened my relationship with my husband. We talk (rationally). We choose our battles carefully. We are actually rubbing off on each other, in all the good ways. I am learning to be more flexible and he is learning to stand up for himself more. And we have never had a more healthy relationship. 

I do not involve myself with any parenting issues outside of meals and supporting their needs when they are with us. If they want to do things, if they need to clean their rooms, if they act up... I leave that to my DH to handle.

KarmaBusDriver
by ChiefBottleWasher on Feb. 3, 2014 at 11:27 AM

Personally I don't see anything wrong with wanting to have fun with your kids too? For us life is balance of work and play. I could give a rats ass what BM does with her kids on her time in the fun department. 

But you have to realize that you and DHs parenting styles are completely different. If DH doesn't agree with you in regards to his children with another parent, you really don't have any control over that.  In a situation like that, it's best if you don't take the authoritarian role with your skids, and focus on your control with your children. With your children you have all the say and opinions you want in how they are raised.

PJs35
by Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 11:30 AM
1 mom liked this

 My DS has a very active father in his life. DH and I have very different parenting styles when it comes to punihsment. SD has been out of control lately. I have just been ignoring her. Her mom is basically non-existent to her and I'm pretty sure SD is finally realizing BM is not perfect and those once every couple of week phone calls are not all she needs. It's sad but I have chosen to stay out of it.

 

Tigress22304:

Quoting PJs35:

 This..I've come to realize over the last couple of weeks that this is just simply true. However, I no longer let DH punish my son for wrong doing either. It's a two way street.

 

Right-I learned early on. And when DH and I moved in together...I told him-I don't agree with your parenting style just like you don't agree with mine.

Don't discipine my daughter-let me handle it. Just like if there are issues with either stepkid when DH is home-I send them to their father and let him deal.

But my situation is different because my DD is mentally delayed and the stepkids aren't.

 

orcawhales98
by Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 11:31 AM

Yeah but it is also not fair to my bio kids when they do something wrong or break the rules they get a punishment.  When skids do something wrong they get talked too and no punishment.  That is not fair to my kids they if they do the same thing wrong it should be the same punishment.  It is still my house.  So how do I get on the same page with SO or how do I make it fair for my kids. 

Quoting Tigress22304:

you gotta realize you can't change how they are....if that's what BM and SO do to parent-then you gotta let it go.


KarmaBusDriver
by ChiefBottleWasher on Feb. 3, 2014 at 11:35 AM
2 moms liked this

Life isn't fair in general. A simple explanation to your kids that these children have a different set of parents, who have different rules, but your my children and this is how I feel its best to parent. Your kids will understand and cope just fine.

Quoting orcawhales98:

Yeah but it is also not fair to my bio kids when they do something wrong or break the rules they get a punishment.  When skids do something wrong they get talked too and no punishment.  That is not fair to my kids they if they do the same thing wrong it should be the same punishment.  It is still my house.  So how do I get on the same page with SO or how do I make it fair for my kids. 

Quoting Tigress22304:

you gotta realize you can't change how they are....if that's what BM and SO do to parent-then you gotta let it go.



amomynous_j
by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 11:42 AM
1 mom liked this

not all kids can be punished the same way.

my daughter? sending her to bed works best.

my stepson? making him sit at the table with nothign to do, works best.

my son? i haven't quite figured him out yet. (lol) generally he gets timeouts. 

my other stepson? he's 3 and timeouts happen, yet part of his actions are due to his age..

making it the same punishment across the board and expecting both of you to get on each kid for every single infraction will make the both of you go insane. life isn't fair, and this is the perfect opportunity to teach them that. balance it out, by doing "special things" with just them when the stepkids aren't home. he does only have them EOWE, so while rules are good, getting on them about every little thing is unnecessary also. 

Quoting orcawhales98:

Yeah but it is also not fair to my bio kids when they do something wrong or break the rules they get a punishment.  When skids do something wrong they get talked too and no punishment.  That is not fair to my kids they if they do the same thing wrong it should be the same punishment.  It is still my house.  So how do I get on the same page with SO or how do I make it fair for my kids. 

Quoting Tigress22304:

you gotta realize you can't change how they are....if that's what BM and SO do to parent-then you gotta let it go.



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