Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Why do some SMs want rights to SKs?

Posted by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:11 PM
  • 93 Replies

And... go.

by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:11 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
Lorena
by Bronze Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:17 PM
12 moms liked this
I do because honestly I am their primary care giver. I know more about them then either parent. Dh knows more then bm. She lost them due to being abusive and taking off with them. I have nightmares that if anything happens to dh I not only loose the love of my life but also 3 pieces of my heart.
I know no one on here will agree with me and I am ok with that.
AmyB118
by NA Rocks on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:21 PM
3 moms liked this
I know right?! I USED to think I could do a better job then BM had I been SSs BM but once I realized, with the aid of you ladies, that wasn't possible I calmed my ass down and did the next right thing. Let BM parent her sons and leave the heavy lifting to the people who share their DNA.

Have I helped BOTH BM and DH? Absolutely but ONLY when they asked for it. Have they both asked my advice? Yep again. Have I gotten all butt hurt when they said "Thanks AmyB, but we are going to do it like this"? Nope. Not my kids, not my problem. I respect both of them too much to worry about which advice, if any, they chose to take.

What kind of SM am I? The kind I'd like to have in DDs life if she had one. I chi in the background, don't overstep and raise my own kid. Works well for us and there's considerably less stress for me as SM. I tell them both "I am Switzerland. I remain neutral". Lol
looneytunes290
by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:23 PM
8 moms liked this
Because they get tired of taking care of the consequences of others poor choices. While I know that you have never required that of the other parent or any sm-- there are lots of situations where sm gets caught in situations financially, as well as emotionally where she pays the consequences of the bio parents poor parenting choices. Yes- I know she doesn't have to. It sometimes takes a while for her to learn how to NOT help when she is being asked to pick up the pieces. It is difficult to let children suffer when you can see a better way and you are being asked by even one parent to help. That is why-
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:24 PM
4 moms liked this

I think in cases where the mother is truly MIA, the SM might want rights to protect her from being separated from the kids in the event of her husband's death.

but in cases where the mother is alive and involved in her kids' lives, even as the NCP -- I can't think of any reason why a SM would need "rights." I've been a CSM for 10+ years now and I have never needed any rights. I've never even needed a POA.  

looneytunes290
by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:27 PM
Btw- I never have actually needed "rights" I just have had enough of a taste of the expectation of responsibility from both the Bp- that I can understand when a sm might want more "rights" -- if a person isn't super careful they end up with just as much responsibility as the Bp- with ZERO authority. But- a sp does have to let that happen.
Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:28 PM

This is the same for me.  Although I think the kids would stay with me if something happened to DH.  Since DH went to work full time, I am doing more of the care giving.  But BM is willing to give up rights so we'll do an adoption eventually. No great hurry other than BM not being able to afford support.

Quoting Lorena: I do because honestly I am their primary care giver. I know more about them then either parent. Dh knows more then bm. She lost them due to being abusive and taking off with them. I have nightmares that if anything happens to dh I not only loose the love of my life but also 3 pieces of my heart.
I know no one on here will agree with me and I am ok with that.


amanda_mom89
by Gold Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:29 PM
1 mom liked this

Because they have been placed in a situation where they are given (and accept) responsibilities for their skids. By doing all the heavy parental lifting they feel a need to have their efforts recognized..not knowing that the actual problem is that they shouldn't be doing all that work in the first place.

Being treated like an unpaid nanny doesn't feel too great. They are overburdened and grow to care for their skids. These things are the prime setting for them to feel like they should have some control over what happens with the skids. 

Instead of searching for ways to gain rights they should be empowering themselves by making their skid's parent step up and do their job.

oldproatthis
by Silver Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:29 PM
I'll bite. I have a simple POA to help make decisions for the kids. DH is the CP with literally 90% of the time by the time BM cancelled time is factored in. She has been disinterested in any of her rights for a while. Before the courts limited hers she wasn't exercising her "rights". She wasn't involved in school or medical before the courts decided due to some very bad decisions she needed those rights limited. So now she is limited to being notified only but no rights to decision making. All decisions regarding medical, school, residential are explicitly left to DH. His only obligation is to notify her of his decision. It is clearly spelled out the decisions rest with DH.
Well it was quickly apparent when we got married having the kids 90% of the time in our home I would be pitching in with some of this stuff simply to keep the home running smoothly. So DH signed over POA to me that when he is not around I can make decisions for the kids, especially regarding medical, in his stead. It works for us. Now I have not made any decisions without knowing what DH desires for his kids are. We also included the kids in the discussion, if they were comfortable with me having decision making power. The kids were OK with it, so it has worked for us.
Now if BMs involvement were different, my involvement would be different but it is what it is. The only part of the POA I really use is the medical. I happen to work in healthcare so DH let's me handle that because of my expertise. He handles the school 100% (I have NO desire to go to a PTC). As for ECs I usually handle SDs (she's into volleyball and I just love to watch it, while SSs are into baseball and DH usually coaches their teams. So that's how it just plays out for us.
There is no ulterior motive or usurping going on. We're just a busy family. 3 kids who next year will be at three different schools (high, middle, and elementary) and do numerous ECs. So to keep it all going without having the issue of it always being DH hunted down for every little signature or consent the POA works for us. In the end though DH is the decision maker. There is NOTHING I do with the kids he doesn't know about and already agree to.
Lorena
by Bronze Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:32 PM
Dh won't ask bm to Sign off and I don't want that either. She is still their mom and they should see her. But given the opportunity I would adopt them in a heart beat.

Quoting Polkadotted:

This is the same for me.  Although I think the kids would stay with me if something happened to DH.  Since DH went to work full time, I am doing more of the care giving.  But BM is willing to give up rights so we'll do an adoption eventually. No great hurry other than BM not being able to afford support.

Quoting Lorena: I do because honestly I am their primary care giver. I know more about them then either parent. Dh knows more then bm. She lost them due to being abusive and taking off with them. I have nightmares that if anything happens to dh I not only loose the love of my life but also 3 pieces of my heart.

I know no one on here will agree with me and I am ok with that.


iSMILEheCRIES
by Bronze Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:37 PM
I agree with this. Is there is no mom then its logical sm would be the caregiver if the dad died. Other than that I think sm should have what she needs to assist with taking care of the kids/do what dad needs her to. If she is the one doing homework then she needs access to the kids school. Those kinda things. But that's really all up to dad and mom and how involved the want or need sm to be

Quoting whatIknownow:

I think in cases where the mother is truly MIA, the SM might want rights to protect her from being separated from the kids in the event of her husband's death.

but in cases where the mother is alive and involved in her kids' lives, even as the NCP -- I can't think of any reason why a SM would need "rights." I've been a CSM for 10+ years now and I have never needed any rights. I've never even needed a POA.  

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)