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S/O why do some BM want SM so involved

Posted by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:47 PM
  • 30 Replies
flip side..... kinda.. to packers post.
I have seen first hand moms who are more than happy to have over involved step moms, I cant for the life of me understand why..... why do you think.....GO
by on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:47 PM
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Replies (1-10):
CrunchMaMaBear
by Queen Crunch on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:51 PM
speaking from my experience with bm, I dont think she would care if I was the super try to be mommy type of step mom. she has asked dh to ask me several times to pick them up from school, go to a school function, watch them on her time , exc exc. I would never be like that if my dd had a sm. I dont understand it at all
packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:52 PM
1 mom liked this

If dad's can do it, why can't a mom?

caligirl7613
by Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 10:54 PM
idk my SM\BM situation isnt typical in the least....my SDs bio mom hasnt been in her life since she was less than a year old..i mean the woman hasnt even CALLED. SD is now 6...anyway my guess would be, that BM is comfortable with SM. they have a good relationship probably, and some people (myself included) feel the more people who love my child, look out for them, and are willing to help guide them in the right direction in life the better off my kids will be. However, over involvement could be different for every situation. what one BM sees as over involvement of a SM, another may feel its not over involvement at all.
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Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 11:09 PM

She had no choice at the time.

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 11:17 PM
I can't think of anyone off the top of my head in my real life that wants an overly involved stepmom but from my perspective - maybe because they want or need the extra help. Or they don't really like doing XYZ and sm is more than willing to do it. Or mom isn't very involved and doesn't really want to be. So she's fine with sm stepping up. My dad was this way. He liked my stepdad. My parents can't stand each other but my dad and stepdad could hang out and talk all evening. About whatever. Pick a subject. My dad was really in to his career and in to all his other families he had stacked up across the metroplex so he was thankful that someone else was willing to do it. He actually was thankful. He tells me that all the time. He is thankful that my mom married a good man that took care of us when he couldn't. Sort of in the way that a parent who places their child for adoption is thankful. Thankful for the adoptive parents.

Now my grandma and my stepgrandma are best friends. They were not at first. SGma didn't come in to the family when my mom and her siblings were kids though. She came in after they were all married and had started their families. Over the years and before I was even born they started sharing holidays and birthdays and eventually became best friends. Moving four doors down from each other. Eventually living together when the men had passed away. They are still best friends today at 88 and 74 years old. Grandma liked her friendship. Sure she was married to grandmas ex but she was a great woman who had a heart of gold and grandma could see that after a few years of 'trying' to hate her. SGma is very likable. She is quiet and loving. No one can hate her. It's just not possible. Eventually my grandma just came to really enjoy her company and companionship because the men were friends and got along so well. I'm not sure how it would have played out if SGma had come in to their lives when the kids were little. My grandma was not a hands on mom. In fact she never had custody because she didn't fight for custody. She just walked away and came and went when she pleased. Maybe she never felt threatened because she was not a hands on kind of mom. She didn't have to be in the labor room when the grand kids were born. She didn't even go to the hospital. She didn't have to be mom of the year because she didn't really want to be. I'm not saying this is why moms don't want SMs involved at all. I'm just pulling from what I've learned about my grandma. She just wasn't the kind of mom that I am and so I don't think her kids having a stepmom bothered her because she just didn't care much about the kids.
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oldproatthis
by Silver Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 11:22 PM
I'm not overinvolved, just involved. I've negotiated my role with DH and the kids, it works in my home. As for BM I don't think she's concerned with my involvement, she's struggling too much in her own life, I just don't think it crosses her mind that much. She's to busy thinking of excuses to give the kids for all her no shows and let downs. So I don't think she's happy I'm "over involved", she's too busy being narcissistic and focusing on herself and excuses to the kids for them not being important to her. I just don't register that much.
So to answer your question...narcissism, my involvement, it frees her up to focus on herself.
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 11:23 PM
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I would not mind an involved stepmom. I just drew the short stick and ended up with someone in my child's life that is abusive and is a narcassist. If she were like any of the SMs here on this board I would be fine. I want my daughter to feel loved and wanted. I think the more people that love her - the better off she will be in the end. I have a jealousy of those BM/SMs that can get along and be in the same room allowing both mom and dad to be 100% completely involved. I want that for my daughter. She just doesn't have it. And she won't as long as this is the sm she has. I feel I constantly have to protect my child from this person and so no I don't want her overly involved at all. If she were someone else or even if she were the same person and behaved better - I don't think it would bother me at all to have her be involved at all. I didn't start out on this journey wishing her to go away. I actually had hoped that we would get along and that we all could co exist at school functions and that drop off and pick up would go smoothly without assaults. But that isn't what happened.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Feb. 3, 2014 at 11:26 PM
I deal with a narc too on the other side. Sm and bf are classic text book narcs. I find it strange though that with her being a N that she isn't more focused on being the best parent she can be to push you out of the way. Or maybe my view is skewed because I'm coming from a different direction. I wish that my ex would become more consumed with himself than worrying about making me miserable.

Quoting oldproatthis: I'm not overinvolved, just involved. I've negotiated my role with DH and the kids, it works in my home. As for BM I don't think she's concerned with my involvement, she's struggling too much in her own life, I just don't think it crosses her mind that much. She's to busy thinking of excuses to give the kids for all her no shows and let downs. So I don't think she's happy I'm "over involved", she's too busy being narcissistic and focusing on herself and excuses to the kids for them not being important to her. I just don't register that much.

So to answer your question...narcissism, my involvement, it frees her up to focus on herself.
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Silent_Sea
by Gold Member on Feb. 4, 2014 at 12:36 AM

Some narcissists do things for show, so, they come across as mom or dad of the year but they are less interested in the work. Or, another type is; if it doesn't benefit them somehow or if it challenges how they view their children and use them as an extension of themselves - not getting things done their way - they act out using manipulation or other means as to fight back and not upset their view of themselves.  

Quoting momof2ex1: I deal with a narc too on the other side. Sm and bf are classic text book narcs. I find it strange though that with her being a N that she isn't more focused on being the best parent she can be to push you out of the way. Or maybe my view is skewed because I'm coming from a different direction. I wish that my ex would become more consumed with himself than worrying about making me miserable.

Quoting oldproatthis: I'm not overinvolved, just involved. I've negotiated my role with DH and the kids, it works in my home. As for BM I don't think she's concerned with my involvement, she's struggling too much in her own life, I just don't think it crosses her mind that much. She's to busy thinking of excuses to give the kids for all her no shows and let downs. So I don't think she's happy I'm "over involved", she's too busy being narcissistic and focusing on herself and excuses to the kids for them not being important to her. I just don't register that much.

So to answer your question...narcissism, my involvement, it frees her up to focus on herself.


momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Feb. 4, 2014 at 12:53 AM
Ah I see. I'm still learning the different manipulations and techniques they use. I am getting 'schooled' to help deal with my situation.

Quoting Silent_Sea:

Some narcissists do things for show, so, they come across as mom or dad of the year but they are less interested in the work. Or, another type is; if it doesn't benefit them somehow or if it challenges how they view their children and use them as an extension of themselves - not getting things done their way - they act out using manipulation or other means as to fight back and not upset their view of themselves.  

Quoting momof2ex1: I deal with a narc too on the other side. Sm and bf are classic text book narcs. I find it strange though that with her being a N that she isn't more focused on being the best parent she can be to push you out of the way. Or maybe my view is skewed because I'm coming from a different direction. I wish that my ex would become more consumed with himself than worrying about making me miserable.



Quoting oldproatthis: I'm not overinvolved, just involved. I've negotiated my role with DH and the kids, it works in my home. As for BM I don't think she's concerned with my involvement, she's struggling too much in her own life, I just don't think it crosses her mind that much. She's to busy thinking of excuses to give the kids for all her no shows and let downs. So I don't think she's happy I'm "over involved", she's too busy being narcissistic and focusing on herself and excuses to the kids for them not being important to her. I just don't register that much.


So to answer your question...narcissism, my involvement, it frees her up to focus on herself.


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