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role as stepmom *long*

Posted by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 2:47 AM
  • 7 Replies
I've realized that BM and DH have made me bitter about being a step mom.They have both expected me to take the role of "mom" as opposed to being a stepmom. Here's some examples. BM would always call me when there was an issue with the kids despite me repeated attempts of telling her if there was an issue she needed to take it up with DH and any problems with the kids needed to be discussed between them. I ended up blocking her because she was calling to much. The "problems" she had would be things like SD wasn't washing her hair good enough at our house (according to her) so she wanted me to go help her wash her hair when she showered; um no that wasn't happening she was 8 at the time and I wasn't comfortable with that. Then it was SD's hair was messy when she picked her up from school so she wanted me to do it for her every morning and not only do it for her but also braid it a certain way! All the kids have to read for twenty minutes as part of their homework so she wanted ss to read aloud to me every day instead of reading by himself, then he had to write the name of the book he read and a parent signs it well I would have him write the name of the book himself then I'd sign it but she thought I should write the name of the book then it was I was letting him read to easy of books and she wanted him reading chapter books. Then she complained that I wasn't involved enough with her kids and that I only cared about my kids. All of our kids go to the same school and when our boys went to half day kindergarten she would want me to pick up ss for her on the days they were with her, she would call 5 minutes before they were out of school which I didn't mind until it became a habit. She would want me to pick him up and keep him until the older kids were out of school and then it turned into her just not calling or showing up to pick him up. She always had an excuse as to why she couldn't pick them up like she didn't have the gas to drive 5 blocks or her 2 year was being awnry.So then I start expecting the same from skids and treating them just like my kids and that was wrong. She said it wasn't fair to her kids to have to go back and forth between houses and I should run my house the way she runs hers including everything from how and where they do their homework to their bedtime routine and chores etc. Then she started asking if I could pick skids up from school for her and if we could keep them an extra day. We live a half hour away from the school and one day she expected me to drive into town and pick them up from school for her and drop them off at her house! She wanted to sign them up for softball and not only did she want us to pay for half she wanted me to take them to and from practice! I said no, we already pay for karate and I'm the one who takes them to that. I've even gone to parent teacher conferences when neither bio parent was there. I finally told DH I was done that I wasn't a personal babysitter for his ex and I wasn't catering to her anymore and that if he choose to do so that was up to him but it wasn't my responsibility. He always has catered to her and has never told her no. Well she called and asked if we could take the kids 3 days early for her and when DH asked me I told him no, I work from home and had 3 orders of bedding sets I needed to sew that week and had 2 doctors appointments that week I couldn't do it. DH had to work so it would have been me taking them to and from school and taking care of them. Of course this caused an argument between us. My husband takes things very personally and he claimed I was telling him that his kids were his problem. Which I wasn't I wad telling him that when it their moms time then its her problem not mine. He always says "I don't think of the kids as your kids and my kids they are all just our kids" and he says "I would do anything for your kids even if it was for your ex". He ended up getting his mom to take them the extra 3 days for his ex; like I said he never told her no. Well BM decided to move and not give us any notice. She told DH she needed to talk to him and tells him she moving across the country and leaving the kids; she tells him 1 week before my due date and left two days after I had our baby. Well now that she is gone I've decided I can be stepmom again! After reading many post and much advice on here I've found that most stepmoms on here agree its best to leave the parenting up to the bio parents; which I tried to do in the beginning anyways. So I've decided that I'm not going to stress about my stepkids anymore. I will be here for them, I will help them with whatever they need but I am going to leave disciplining up to their dad; I'm not going to stress about their homework; I will help them if they need help but I will not fight with them every night for 3 hours to get it done anymore their dad can worry about that. I'm not going to worry about their behaviour unless of course they are being disrespectful to me which they are not. Skids and I used to have a lot of fun together when DH and I first got together and then I felt like everything was being put on me so now DH will have to step up and I'm stepping back. I'm just going to worry about my kids and try to be there for his kids if they need me. I am no longer going to be the disciplinary for them that's up to dad now. Am I taking the right approach or am I wrong? What do you feel is your role as stepmom? Do you expect the same from your bio kids then stepkids? Do you treat them the same? Do you discipline your stepkids or leave it up to dad? Are there things that you won't do for your stepkids that you do for your bio kids? I'd really like to know everyone's opinion and how they fulfill their role as stepmom vs biomom.
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 2:47 AM
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by facta, non verba on Feb. 5, 2014 at 3:42 AM

You are doing the right thing. You put up longer with BM's BS than I ever could lol!

I do everything for SD that I do for my bio kids, and they all have to follow the same rules. We don't allow for any of the kids to be treated differently. That just causes unnecessary friction. When it comes to disciplining SD, DH is the 'executor' so to speak. Homework help is split. I help with math and science etc. while he helps with history and English. 

BM has tried to sell me off as SD's 'live-in babysitter' to the courts when she tried to get out of paying CS and any possible additional expenses. The judge told her that I have no responsibility toward SD whatsoever, and if BF decided SD needed to go into daycare, BM would have to pay 50% of it. I don't care what BM wants or doesn't want me to do. She never stuck to anything but changed constantly what was and wasn't acceptable in her opinion. My DH and I figured out how to run the house, and it works for us. What BM thinks/wants/demands is not important. She will tell my DH he has no say what goes on in her house whenever she decides she wants to have SD over on rare occasions, yet she tried tirelessly to dictate and enforce her 'rules' on our home. She went as far as demanding pictures of ALL the rooms in our house, closets, cupboards, and drawers, a list of everyone that lives here including pets (breed as well) because she 'feared for the safety of her child.' Keeping in mind, she hadn't seen SD in more than 3 years at that point, and only tried to go all supermom on DH because he took her to court for CS.

I just decided that I don't give a damn what BM says. My husband is my partner in this, not BM. He deals with her, not me. I can sleep very well at night with this mindset :)

by Silver Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 11:28 AM

I didn't read your whole post, but just stop being the doormat! You don't need to answer the phone when you see it is her, you don't need to respond to e-mails or texts. She will eventually call your DH and get him on board and leave you alone. You have constantly accepted responsiblity when she hands it off to you. Just STOP!

by Kelly on Feb. 5, 2014 at 1:14 PM

It is very much a freeing experience to make the parent... Parent. Isn't it? It was a huge stress release for me to back off and just be SM. I am a NCSM so I am not one to ask specifics since you ae now a CSM. 

Do I TREAT them the same? Well not always, I think my ss13 make find it funny if I get in his level and talk to him as my 2yo or baby. Lol, now if we are having icecream... Do I make sure everyone gets some? Sure do.. 

Do I discipline them, nope that is 100% Dad. 

Are there things I wont do with my SK's, but do with my bios. Yup, tucking in at night. My SK's don't want "my" routine. They have their own thing they do with dad. I don't do that, it's their thing. I do my routine with my bios. 

Do I expect the same for sk's and bios? Depends on what you mean. I hold my bios to high standards.  Am invested in their future 100%. Everything they do concerns me, educational, medical, financial... Everything. I am no where near vested in my SK's. I "WANT" that for them, but how they turn out is on BM and DH, not me. However, I expect the basic respect from any adult or child in my presence. 

by Ruby Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 1:15 PM

 what you want to do, is what i do. those kids are SO and BM's kids. i will wash clothes and cook food and do fun stuff with them, but i am not dealing with tantrums, discipline (other than verbally correcting lip or attitude) or homework. i dont pick them up or drop them off unless it is an emergency. although i dont hve the "convenient excuse" that they go to the same school or else BM would likely try, lol.

by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 4:01 PM

I hear you're frustrations... and it sounds like you've been juggling a lot of stuff here. In the midst of it all, it's clear that you really do care about you're stepkids, and that means so much! 

As I read your post, I thought of this website that you might be interested in for future reference... some of their articles have really great advice that might be helpful to you and your DH. :)

by Bronze Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 4:45 PM

You have every right to feel and do this. If it causes problems in marriage I would suggest counseling. My only comment is about the same bedtime routines, etc. No matter whose house my son is at he follows the same routine. He gets out of school, has a snack, does homework, shower at 8:30, bed and reading at 9. Routine works for him and when he is off that routine it screws with him. There is some deviation of course on occassion, but he automatically does this no matter whose house he is at. My kid was in 2nd grade before he started going over to his dads on school nights so this has already been instilled in him for 2 years and just started doing it at his dads as well. When his dad questioned son, son told him this works for him, so he will do it no matter where he was at.


by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 4:50 PM
Good for you!!
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