Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Need advice-Moving to Texas and I don't want to take my 17 yr old stepson..am I wrong???

Posted by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 2:23 PM
  • 23 Replies

Hi everyone, I am new to this site and looking to meet new people and get as much advice as possible. My name is Erica and I am married with 4 kids. My husband is Navy and we are looking to move in June to Texas and bring along our 3 kids and POSSIBLY my stepson. I will try to make this not so long but long enough to get the point....When I met my husband we both had a 1 yr old from other relationships. The other mother was in and out of my stepsons life and rarely there for him. My husband and married and moved in together with the boys and bythis time they were 2. I raised my son and my stepson until he was about 13 yrs old. From 2-13 we rn into many obstacles.....His mother constantly stepping in and telling my stepson how bad I am....My in laws feeeding him with nonsense, and just butting heads alot. Well, 2 1/2 years ago, we were getting ready to move and long story short, my stepson decided he did not want to come live with us because he was " not able to live with me and my rules". Of course, all of this was initiated my his mother who never gave us a dime to take care of him nor did she ever take care of him herself....So, now in the present time, my husband wants to bring him to live with us in Texas. Well, although we seem to get along fine for a couple days my stepson has proven to me that it's me that is "the problem". After doing my job as a parent, letting him know about his missing school work, absences from school, and basically to do right, he tells me he does not need me to remind him everyday about his work, he knows what he's doing, I should have helped him before when he "needed it", he does not care what I think, I am not one to talk about school since I am doing online college classes after 20 years (I think hes saying that because I did not attend right after high school??), that he respects me for what I have done for HIS family (husband, and my other kids, not me) he does not need to come live with me (although he tells my husband he wants to) and hugs and kisses won't make up for the "stress" I put  him through his whole life. Now, let me clarify some things here:


1. My husband is not biologically his father and he knows that since he was about 13

2. I have always treated my son and my stepson equally although he begs to differ

3. My stepsons mother and aunt have shown more than there share of hate towads me verbally to him and to me in front of him and talk a world of BS about me

4.My in laws (whom he lives with now) have a totally different outlook on life and allow him to smoke weed (yes, I said it smoke weed!) because they say "If hes going to do it, he's going to do it and it's not that bad as it's being used for medical reasons"

5. He's been doing poorly in school and getting F's and D's in class

6.He drinks and gets high even though he says he does not do it "that much"

7. Oh and he does not get any kind of dicipline at my in laws


My thing is, I personally do not feel that bringing him with us is going to change him at this point. It is very clear that he is holding onto a hate he has for me. I have done everything I could to raise him well and accept him as my own. He verbally hurts me with words which I have now learned to shake off but still am not comfortable with the idea of bringing him to live with us. I say leave him with the in laws since he has only one more year of high school and then  hopefully he will be going into the military. His mother? Well, after her episode of "your not a mother and he needs me so he is living with me" she decided to drop him off at my in laws 2 years ago and that is why he is where he is now. I am frustrated and do not wnt to sound like I don't care but I am looking out for my familys best interest......Am I wrong for feelign this way??? please help!

by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 2:23 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 3:14 PM
2 moms liked this

I think he's better off staying with his grandparents. I get the sense that  you have contempt and resentment toward  him, and it is best that he not be around you.

pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 3:23 PM

What does your DH want?

jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Feb. 5, 2014 at 3:33 PM
1 mom liked this

why does your DH say he wants this boy to move with you (all of you) to TX yet he doesn't insist the boy move in with you now wherever you are living?  What are DH's reasons? 

Why do you think the military will take your SS after HS if he's actively using alcohol and smoking things he shouldn't?  How does he have the money to afford these things? Who is supplying him? 

whatIknownow
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 3:35 PM


Quoting Ericap76:


My thing is, I personally do not feel that bringing him with us is going to change him at this point.

This is the difference between you, and a parent. A parent doesn't want his child with him to "change him." A parent wants his child with him, because he loves him.

Leave the kid with grandma, and just get on with your life.

Ericap76
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 4:09 PM


Quoting pdxmum:

What does your DH want?

He wants him to come live with us as he did before. When I met my husband, I invited him to come live with me and my son along with my SS. I tried all that I could raising him and doing what was best. The thing that bothers me is that  I am STILL trying to help by offering counseling not only for him but for all of us to do what it takes to get him where he needs to be. But my husband thinks its jsut as simple as bringing him with us and "dealing with it". With my husband being gone for a couple days at a time and leaving me with my SS who is by thr way bigger than me, worries me. He has a short fuse. I am  certainly  worried and concerned about my SS regardless of what some people on here think. There is plenty mroe to the story but I guess to some I am just being spiteful and acting like I do not care. I was the mother figure from 2 to 13 years old. I try to do everything but I get "beat up" by him verbally and emotionally and it's exhausting....  

Ericap76
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 4:13 PM


Quoting whatIknownow:


Quoting Ericap76:


My thing is, I personally do not feel that bringing him with us is going to change him at this point.

This is the difference between you, and a parent. A parent doesn't want his child with him to "change him." A parent wants his child with him, because he loves him.

Leave the kid with grandma, and just get on with your life.


Yes, I am a parent and yes, parents can have the need to change their child along with loving them. Changing his feeling about me is what I was reffering to...I dont think he will change his feelings about me...not right now anyways....Have I tried?? Of course, over and over and I STILL try....I have supported him in every way...but if he chooses to believe what everyone else tells him, then what are my options? HE chose to stay with my in laws....he did not want to live with us...now he sees that the grass is not greener on the other side but he thinks he can live with us with no rules? No, that is not the case. 


Ericap76
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 4:20 PM


Quoting jules2boys:

why does your DH say he wants this boy to move with you (all of you) to TX yet he doesn't insist the boy move in with you now wherever you are living?  What are DH's reasons? 

Why do you think the military will take your SS after HS if he's actively using alcohol and smoking things he shouldn't?  How does he have the money to afford these things? Who is supplying him? 

We actually did discuss that over the holiday break. We live about 4 hours away so of course that would be changing schools in the middle of the year and my husband did not want to disrupt his year for him to change schools again in August when we move to TX. And you are absolutely right, the military won't take him with that in his system. We spoke to him multiple times about it as well. We tell him we love him, he deserves better and he is absoluely capable of doing anything he wants but HE that needs to change his ways in order to suceed. As far as money, he was keeping his lunch money and buying it. So I decided to add money ot his lunch account at school so he did not have access to it that way. But he also admits he gets it from his friends. We are in a tough position...I feel awful for my husband too...Because I do not want him to feel like he has to choose here. I would love for us to be a big happy family and am more than willing to work at it...but not at the cost of him not respecting me and me feeling threatened. I have 3 other children to care for as well. It's a tough position to be in.

whatIknownow
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 4:26 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting Ericap76:

I would love for us to be a big happy family and am more than willing to work at it...but not at the cost of him not respecting me 

I think this might be the problem. He has told you that living with you was stressful and he did not feel comfortable around you. He felt so uncomfortable that he left his father and moved in with his grandmother.  Now you are insisting that he respect you before you will work on your relationship. I don't think you are listenting to  him, and I don't get the sense that  you are willing to change what YOU are doing.

Ericap76
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 4:29 PM


Quoting whatIknownow:

I think he's better off staying with his grandparents. I get the sense that  you have contempt and resentment toward  him, and it is best that he not be around you.

So with your opinion, he is better off with the grandparents who allow him to smoke weed? Where do you get this "sense" of contempt and resentment from? Curious.....Because if I was a parent who did not truely care, I would not be on here asking for advice. I was the one who raised him while everyone was all in his ear telling him I was wrong and showing off when I volunteered to be his football mom, and that I was wrong when I did not allow him to go outside to play when he stayed home from school because he was sick that day, that I was wrong for taking his phone away because he called me a "B", I was wrong for going to school for parent teacher conferences because I am not his "real mother"...and the list goes on and on...so is it his fault? No, of course not...but for the hate that he has for me right now, how is taking him to a strange place (TX) with someone he does not care for going to help him? I am not saying he is helpless, but he is not to that point yet here he sees that I have helped him. He needs counseling...   and as I told my husband before, if WE as a family need to go with him then so be it. But I just feel that things will not work out in Texas..I feel it will only get worse. I am not wrong for feeling that way....

Ericap76
by on Feb. 5, 2014 at 4:36 PM


Quoting whatIknownow:


Quoting Ericap76:

I would love for us to be a big happy family and am more than willing to work at it...but not at the cost of him not respecting me 

I think this might be the problem. He has told you that living with you was stressful and he did not feel comfortable around you. He felt so uncomfortable that he left his father and moved in with his grandmother.  Now you are insisting that he respect you before you will work on your relationship. I don't think you are listenting to  him, and I don't get the sense that  you are willing to change what YOU are doing.


No no no...you are reading this all wrong... First of all he left the home to live with his mother...the mother who was telling him in his face that if he calls me Mom she is going to beat his you know what with a belt! I have always listened to him..I went to counseling so we can work on things together. The problem is, he would run and tell other people that i was treating him poorly....Example....one day we had came fom football practice and I made dinner...well both my boys wanted to go across the street and have pizza with thier friends.. I told them I made dinner and was not going to give them money to buy pizza...I understand they wanted to be with their friends too so I said "If you want pizza with your friends after I made dinner already then you guys use your money" And so they did and they were fine with it. My SS goes and tells him mom that I did not make dinner that night and if they wanted to eat they had to go across the street and pay with their own money. It was things like that that started wars between the BM, my in laws and me. I LOVE him to death and have and still will try....I am worried for my safety...He had written in a diary before that he wanted to beat me and hurt me....he was about 10. I think I have the right to feel worried here. 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)