BM is the one overstepping. She is NOT welcome. Period.
I am new to this site, and have read some interesting posts. I am not a new SM. In fact, I don't really consider myself a SM at all. I am the THE ONLY Mother of my home. My situation is a little different, and I have posted it on a couple of different threads.
I do have a SD12. We never see her. We used to, but BM is impossible. She is one of those lazy, worthless welfare moms who refuses to work and is always demanding a handout. Especially from DH (not at the moment, but when it comes time to petition the state again she will be on it). Then cuss him if he actually tries to SEE the child...heaven forbid.
DH was never married to this woman. He was involved with her shortly before he and I met. She is a manipulative bit** who was only looking to trap him. She succeeded in holding him hostage financially (CS). He didn't want a committment with this woman, and made that clear from day one. She claimed to want the same. She was married at the time to another one of her baby daddies. He is a deadbeat, so I guess she was looking to hook someone who she could actually 'support' her lazy ass. My DH was raised with great work ethic, so to super welfare mom that means $$$ if she can find a way to trap him. So she convinced him that she was newly 'separated' from her husband and on an IUD. She promised him he had nothing to worry about. She lied.
It didn't take long for my future DH to catch her going back and forth between him and the man she was already married to (few short months). He broke up with her.
A few weeks later, he and I met. Several months into our relationship, this crazy woman called to say she had his baby. DH thought there is no way. It has to belong to her husband. Nope, blood test said child belonged to DH. He was devastated and felt incredibly betrayed and that his wishes had been violated in the worst way. He apologized repeatedly for ever getting involved with this crazy nutcase. It is the biggest regret of his life.
Look, I know mistakes happen. People learn from them and move on. You play the hand you're dealt. He should never have gotten involved with someone like that. Now he will spend the rest of his life paying for it.
He and I decided to embrace the child and do the best we could. BM wasn't having it. She wanted DH and was out to make me look like a homewrecker. Even though she was MARRIED to someone else during the time of conception, and by the time SD was born she was BACK WITH HER HUSBAND! A man she already had a child with!
Well, she settled down after a few months. SD was about a year and a half old when DH and I got married.
BM didn't give too many problems for the next couple of years except a few obvious and desperate plays to get DH's attention. SD was at this time calling her mom's actual husband "Daddy", and DH was called by his first name. He did get SD to eventually call him 'Daddy' too, but never did anything about her calling her SF that. Didn't want to deal with that can of worms.
Then a light bulb switched again. She was back to accusing him of planning a child with her and then abandoning his "family" that they created together. She got to where she was so scorned and hateful that she decided if she couldn't have him, then we shouldn't either.
When SD was 3, BM convinced her to go in and accuse DH of sexual abuse. It was horrible.
Of course he didn't and was cleared, but this is the stuff we have been dealing with throughour SD's entire life.
So, I went off on BM. Told her that she is never to expect anything kind from us. We will deal with her on a business level only with SD. We refused to be on a personal level with her whatsoever. This infuriated her. She told me that DH should respect her and and comminucate with her on a more 'friendly' level than that, because SHE is the MOTHER of his CHILD!!!
I told her, "I am the mother of 2 of his children. You are a threat to our family, and you are not welcome in our home, on our property, and all communication will be documented. You will never speak 'person' to 'person' with DH again. Period."