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Desperate & in need of some reasonable mature advice

Posted by on Feb. 13, 2014 at 9:53 AM
  • 37 Replies

Good morning!

I am a new step mom to a 5 year old son. His dad & I are to be married in October 2014. This will be his 2nd marriage & my first. BM & him divorced b/c she cheated and left a video of herself and another man having sex in the son's diaper bag (wreckless). My fiance is in the military and I am in healthcare. Due to him being in the military, BM, has full custody of the son. BM also has a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

Fast forward to the present, I moved from northern NJ to Philly to live with my fiance in April 2013. It was great, we got along well, it was a real happy period in my life. He proposed in August and since then we've been planning a wedding. This past summer, BM agrees to letting my fiance have his son stay with us the entire summer. A month into him staying she decides she wants him back b/c she decided to move to TN b/c she couldn't find a "job" in VA (*side note, BM has moved every year for the past 4 years w/in the MD, VA area where her kids have had to start a new school every year). My fiance sends him back. She moves to TN in August and in December decides she's leaving TN to move in with her god mother in TX. The reason for that move was b/c it didn't work out with a boyfriend in TN, not the "job". While in TX, she moved again back home to MD b/c it wasn't working out w/her godmother. She then contacts my fiance and asks him if he can keep his son with us till the school year is over. He agrees and has temp custody of his son.

Now the issue here is that the BM has no boundaries. My fiance and I constantly have to rearrange our lives, work schedule to accomodate her everytime she decides to leave us with his son. We have to scramble quickly to find after care and school for his son. She isnt' working and is staying with a friend at her friends' house with her daughter. She calls every 4 days or so then sometimes everyday & texting him at 9-10pm to find out how her son is doing. where were u all day?! WE are all sleeping and that is not an appropriate time to text someone. When she wants to see him, he drives to meet her 1/2 way in MD. This week, she decided that she wants to call every night to pray with her son. We pray with him at night and I feel it's a bit much. Im feeling as if she is calling all the shots and he has no say as to whether what is allowed and what isnt. Every few days when I get home I have to hear about something that she wants for us to do and I am sick of it. We are capable of taking care of the child and he is in a stable loving environment. Why doesn't she back off? and why is he letting her call the shots  in OUR home?!

by on Feb. 13, 2014 at 9:53 AM
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Replies (1-10):
twinklebites
by Silver Member on Feb. 13, 2014 at 10:14 AM
1 mom liked this

This is a DH problem, he needs to set up boundaries he is comfortable with. If he hasn't change it with BM he probably is ok with it. Without a court order BM can call or text and retrieve her son when ever she wants . I highly doubt it healthy for a child to be shuffled around like that. But DH needs to do this being active duty military is not a reason not to have full custody. I have residential custody and BF has liberal visitation

AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Feb. 13, 2014 at 10:21 AM

 If he is living with you why doesn't your SO go and file for custody?  Moving around as much as she's doing is not healthy for that poor kid.  It seems like your husband is the more stable parent.  Plus, the drop of the hat visitations are only going to continue to get harder on him as he gets older.

As far as why DH is letting BM call all the shots?  I cannot answer that question.  Is there an actual court order in place or did they come to the agreement on their own? 

wise.toes
by Silver Member on Feb. 13, 2014 at 10:29 AM

i agree with the prev poster. your DH needs to set boundaries. reasonable phone access is acceptable, so if she calls and it's too late, make sure he calls back within 24hours. and i hope you're documenting everything.

i also agree that the drop of the hat visits aren't reasonable either. it's great that dh is willing to do all this for her, and if he doesn't have a problem with it, there really isn't a lot you can do. 

Eternity807
by Bronze Member on Feb. 13, 2014 at 10:32 AM
1 mom liked this

GET A COURT ORDER.  DH needs to stop BM from dragging SS with her every time she wants to move around.  This will keep DH from having to scramble for care when BM decides to drop off SS.  Everyone involved will know where SS is at what times. 

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Feb. 13, 2014 at 10:33 AM
I find it ironic that he lives with BM because dad is in the military - I guess that would be too unstable???? As compared to what????
If your fiance will not set limits, then she will not have any limits - why would she? This is all working out great for her - shed be an idiot to change it. I would suggest the two of you sit down at a quiet moment alone and make a list of the things that are not working - calls at 10pm, no notice of changes, etc. Then, make a list of what a reasonable solution to each would be.

After creating these lists, set them aside. Your fiance should then march himself to an attorney and file for a court order that puts official custody in place. You are adults, this is an interstate custody situation with an unstable person. It needs to be through the courts. Decide what you want it to look like.
AmyB118
by NA Rocks on Feb. 13, 2014 at 10:37 AM
Yep. DH problem all the way. If he allows it then you sorta need to accept it. Just curious, why can't BM pray with him? I'm pretty sure you can't ever talk to God too much.

FTR, bc someone else will be along to point it out shortly, you aren't yet his SM. While I agree that kids need stability chances are this will continue to happen, BM being able to leave him with BF here and there until she gets her shit together and he will allow it bc it means he gets to see his DS more often. I'm sure this will continue to happen as long as he is stationed close to BM. If you don't like it now, imagine how much you won't like it as he gets older. It won't get any better so you might want to seriously consider your options. A) stay and deal with the way your future DH parents and interacts with BM B) disengage and don't allow it to affect your life C) run for your life. Personally I think C is your best option

Quoting ezra0316:

Good morning!

I am a new step mom to a 5 year old son. His dad & I are to be married in October 2014. This will be his 2nd marriage & my first. BM & him divorced b/c she cheated and left a video of herself and another man having sex in the son's diaper bag (wreckless). My fiance is in the military and I am in healthcare. Due to him being in the military, BM, has full custody of the son. BM also has a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

Fast forward to the present, I moved from northern NJ to Philly to live with my fiance in April 2013. It was great, we got along well, it was a real happy period in my life. He proposed in August and since then we've been planning a wedding. This past summer, BM agrees to letting my fiance have his son stay with us the entire summer. A month into him staying she decides she wants him back b/c she decided to move to TN b/c she couldn't find a "job" in VA (*side note, BM has moved every year for the past 4 years w/in the MD, VA area where her kids have had to start a new school every year). My fiance sends him back. She moves to TN in August and in December decides she's leaving TN to move in with her god mother in TX. The reason for that move was b/c it didn't work out with a boyfriend in TN, not the "job". While in TX, she moved again back home to MD b/c it wasn't working out w/her godmother. She then contacts my fiance and asks him if he can keep his son with us till the school year is over. He agrees and has temp custody of his son.

Now the issue here is that the BM has no boundaries. My fiance and I constantly have to rearrange our lives, work schedule to accomodate her everytime she decides to leave us with his son. We have to scramble quickly to find after care and school for his son. She isnt' working and is staying with a friend at her friends' house with her daughter. She calls every 4 days or so then sometimes everyday & texting him at 9-10pm to find out how her son is doing. where were u all day?! WE are all sleeping and that is not an appropriate time to text someone. When she wants to see him, he drives to meet her 1/2 way in MD. This week, she decided that she wants to call every night to pray with her son. We pray with him at night and I feel it's a bit much. Im feeling as if she is calling all the shots and he has no say as to whether what is allowed and what isnt. Every few days when I get home I have to hear about something that she wants for us to do and I am sick of it. We are capable of taking care of the child and he is in a stable loving environment. Why doesn't she back off? and why is he letting her call the shots  in OUR home?!

AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Feb. 13, 2014 at 10:40 AM
1 mom liked this

 I guess the first 17 years of my life where hellaciously unstable-- being a military brat and all that.

I kind of get the feeling (though I could be wrong) that there isn't an actual CO in place and that dad let Mom have custody because he thought that's what he had to do? Which would make sense with his bending to her every whim, now.  Again.  Could be wrong- considering that he is military.  Maybe he's deployed a lot?  The behavior, though, just makes me think that there's not really a formal agreement...

Quoting HopesNDreams: I find it ironic that he lives with BM because dad is in the military - I guess that would be too unstable???? As compared to what????
If your fiance will not set limits, then she will not have any limits - why would she? This is all working out great for her - shed be an idiot to change it. I would suggest the two of you sit down at a quiet moment alone and make a list of the things that are not working - calls at 10pm, no notice of changes, etc. Then, make a list of what a reasonable solution to each would be.

After creating these lists, set them aside. Your fiance should then march himself to an attorney and file for a court order that puts official custody in place. You are adults, this is an interstate custody situation with an unstable person. It needs to be through the courts. Decide what you want it to look like.

 

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Feb. 13, 2014 at 10:41 AM

vvvvv  What she said.

Quoting AmyB118: Yep. DH problem all the way. If he allows it then you sorta need to accept it. Just curious, why can't BM pray with him? I'm pretty sure you can't ever talk to God too much.

FTR, bc someone else will be along to point it out shortly, you aren't yet his SM. While I agree that kids need stability chances are this will continue to happen, BM being able to leave him with BF here and there until she gets her shit together and he will allow it bc it means he gets to see his DS more often. I'm sure this will continue to happen as long as he is stationed close to BM. If you don't like it now, imagine how much you won't like it as he gets older. It won't get any better so you might want to seriously consider your options. A) stay and deal with the way your future DH parents and interacts with BM B) disengage and don't allow it to affect your life C) run for your life. Personally I think C is your best option

Quoting ezra0316:

Good morning!

I am a new step mom to a 5 year old son. His dad & I are to be married in October 2014. This will be his 2nd marriage & my first. BM & him divorced b/c she cheated and left a video of herself and another man having sex in the son's diaper bag (wreckless). My fiance is in the military and I am in healthcare. Due to him being in the military, BM, has full custody of the son. BM also has a 7 year old daughter from a previous relationship.

Fast forward to the present, I moved from northern NJ to Philly to live with my fiance in April 2013. It was great, we got along well, it was a real happy period in my life. He proposed in August and since then we've been planning a wedding. This past summer, BM agrees to letting my fiance have his son stay with us the entire summer. A month into him staying she decides she wants him back b/c she decided to move to TN b/c she couldn't find a "job" in VA (*side note, BM has moved every year for the past 4 years w/in the MD, VA area where her kids have had to start a new school every year). My fiance sends him back. She moves to TN in August and in December decides she's leaving TN to move in with her god mother in TX. The reason for that move was b/c it didn't work out with a boyfriend in TN, not the "job". While in TX, she moved again back home to MD b/c it wasn't working out w/her godmother. She then contacts my fiance and asks him if he can keep his son with us till the school year is over. He agrees and has temp custody of his son.

Now the issue here is that the BM has no boundaries. My fiance and I constantly have to rearrange our lives, work schedule to accomodate her everytime she decides to leave us with his son. We have to scramble quickly to find after care and school for his son. She isnt' working and is staying with a friend at her friends' house with her daughter. She calls every 4 days or so then sometimes everyday & texting him at 9-10pm to find out how her son is doing. where were u all day?! WE are all sleeping and that is not an appropriate time to text someone. When she wants to see him, he drives to meet her 1/2 way in MD. This week, she decided that she wants to call every night to pray with her son. We pray with him at night and I feel it's a bit much. Im feeling as if she is calling all the shots and he has no say as to whether what is allowed and what isnt. Every few days when I get home I have to hear about something that she wants for us to do and I am sick of it. We are capable of taking care of the child and he is in a stable loving environment. Why doesn't she back off? and why is he letting her call the shots  in OUR home?!


Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Feb. 13, 2014 at 10:56 AM

For everyone's protection, clarity, and to ensure that the child is able to maintain connections to both parents, your fiance really should pursue a CO. If he already has one, he should get it modified to reflect the current situation. If he's stationed near a base, there are family services that can help guide through the legal stuff.

Your fiance could also be more proactive with BM by scheduling calls/skype sessions and identifying what your home feels are appropriate hours for communication.  For a younger child, maybe that's 8AM to 8PM. If she wants to call and pray with her son every night, what's the problem? Great way to encourage her to call at an appropriate time.  My husband tries to talk to his kids every day when they're with mom and visa versa when they're with us.  Daily communication, especially with young kids, is really a GOOD thing.  Hell, I talk to my mom everyday, several times a day and I'm 35! 

As far as BM's requests--those should be made to your fiance.  Just stay out of it.  He can listen to what she has to say, and he can choose to do it or not.  You don't even have to know about it.

Ultimately, she doesn't have to "back off" because that's her child.  I can appreciate the frustration in changing schedules, last minute crap, constant contact, requests, etc but ultimately, your fiance has allowed that thus far and only he can affect change. 

As much as you want to "help" your fiance, the best thing you could do IMHO, is let him work things through with BM, you stay out of it.  Support him but don't get sucked in to more involvement than is necessary. 

And one last thought--military members do have a different set of circumstances to deal with when it comes to custody issues, but it's not impossible.  I would strongly advise your fiance to seek some legal counsel to figure out what his rights are, what he needs to do, etc.  One reason this is even more important for military members is that issues of CS, visitation, conflict, etc can affect their careers. 

It doesn't sound like BM in your sitch is a bad person.  She's just not grounded to one place.  Neither is your fiance.  Her reasons for moving really aren't your concern.  Don't spend time badmouthing her.  If you want to help, encourage your fiance to step it up.

ezra0316
by on Feb. 13, 2014 at 11:13 AM

I don't bad mouth her at all and i don't mind that she wants to talk to her son. It's her right. But when he has stayed with us in the past, none of these requests were made. All of a sudden she wants to pray with him every night, we pray with him as well. Her choices have put her 2 kids in danger. Her ex boyfriend kicked her and her 2 kids out into the streets of TN 3 times where she had to find a hotel to stay in. She never told him that happened and he had to find out through her god mother. She lied to him about the living situations and her current circumstances. I try to stay out of it but when I come to my home and I have to hear about all the nonsense, its a bother. I should come to a place where I need to unwind and release my thoughts. I help him with his son, b/c the one really suffering is the child. With all the constant moving he has developed insecurity and what he needs right now is time to adjust in a stable drama free home which is what we are trying to and she is not helping the situation with her acts of randomness.

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