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DS10 Lies (O/T)

Posted by on Feb. 14, 2014 at 11:38 AM
  • 7 Replies

My ex informed me last night that my DS10 got in trouble at his after school program for using his iPod (strike 1)and then blatantly lied about it to his Dad (strike 2).

When we gave DS10 the iPod I told him it would be able to take it between our house and his Dad’s (we are in a 50/50 situation) but that he had to keep it in his backpack during school and after school and if he got in trouble with it - it would be a loss of that privilege.

But what bothers me is the lying. He seems to always rely on fibs. “Wasn’t me!” And the kids sticks to it, big time. Doesn’t back down. I feel like I have failed in this department. Have any of you handled a similar situation with success. I want my son to understand that lies ALWAYS catch up to you.

by on Feb. 14, 2014 at 11:38 AM
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AmyB118
by on Feb. 14, 2014 at 11:47 AM
Typical for that age. DD15 was that way occasionally. She's finally grown out of it. I think they think if you didn't see them then it can't be proven. Lol. Just take it like you all agreed on and remind him about lying. I absolutely HATE lying. Hill to die on. I tell DD that if you have to lie about what you are doing then you shouldn't be doing it. Here is a great line I've used forever. Works like a charm:

If you can accept the consequences of your actions then by all means have at it. Tell her, and SSs for that matter, think it thru. If you can live with the outcome then do what you have to do. Seems to work well. Teaches them to think it thru.

You are doing a fine job. All kids lie. It's a rite of passage. It's what you do about it that's the key to the whole thing.
jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Feb. 14, 2014 at 12:34 PM

Yes, very typical for that age.  Both boys did it, to different extents.  I did it at 11.  I can clearly remember it even now (well, it's fuzzy now but I remember doing it and NOT knowing why I did it).  I lied about homework.  I nearly failed that grade because I lied about doing homework.  I can remember sitting down (as always) to do it but then just daydreaming the time away (bad home life, I was escaping.. not the best coping mechanism but it's what I had at that time...) but, since I'd spent so much time 'doing homework', I must have done it... it was an awful cycle.  I can remember a few PT conferences and a lot of yelling at home but I don't remember what finally turned me around about it.  :(

With the boys, they didn't lie about school work and they never tried to play BF and I against each other, they chose other things to lie about (one was electronics/usage, etc.).  I'd talked to them both about the effects of lying to others, a lie would always be found out, don't you want others to trust you, etc.  I read them the Peter and the Wolf story and other books I'd found (age appropriate) on lying.  BF is a habitual/chronic liar and I KNEW they'd both been on the receiving end of his lies (to the point that they questioned what 'really' happened instead of the story dad made up (when there were other, adult, witnesses who knew the boys had done no wrong).  We talked about those past situations as well.  Nothing much seemed to 'click' for them.  So, I got desperate.

I lied to them.  They each did it at a different time (they are 4.5 years apart) but betwen 8 and 10.  When all else had failed, I chose to lie to them.  I told the brother NOT lying what was up, and to just go along with it.  The liar didn't have a clue.  For ODS I talked about going this one of his favorite places, with one of his BFFs.  I talked about it the night before and told him I'd had this idea that we'd go.  He was excited.  He woke talking about it.  He kept asking WHEN we were going.  I kept putting him off with 'just one more thing I have to do first'.  Finally, about 6pm, he came to me very sad and said 'we're not going, are we?'  I just looked at him and said "no.  I lied about it."  He looked at me really hard and said 'what?'  So, then we talked about how HE felt being lied to.  He was hurt, sad, angry, confused, etc.  We talked about WHY people lie (he mentioned a few reasons he'd also been lying recently - all age appropriate but still not good reasons).  Then I told him why I'd lied.  I'd tried all these other things to get him to stop yet he kept getting caught in lies.  So, I picked something he'd remember MORE than the others.  Something that meant more to him so he'd remember.  He's now 15 and still remembers it, but he doesn't lie to me, or if he does (still age appropriate if he thinks he'll get into trouble for something) he'll come and 'confess' to me, as he has learned that he'll get in LESS trouble if he brings it to me than if he waits until *I* find out on my own (and I always do...). 

With YDS I told him we'd go to Disneyland (we live in CA).  He's been many times so it's not like a 'once in a lifetime' trip I lied about, this is something he can and does go fairly often but he loves the park.  So, when he went through this, after trying ALL of the methods above again and a few more his teacher and some friends of mine had suggested ahd worked with their kids (or at least that they'd tried with their kids LOL), I went with the big one.  We planned this after a particularly big lie on a Wed.  I told him that night we'd go to D-land on Saturday.  He talked about it for days (even at school).  So, Saturday comes around and I'm busy in the morning.  Sometimes we've just gone in the afternoon/night so that wasn't unusual.  But, then I was busy with 'one more thing' still in the afternoon.  Finally, it's after dark, and he comes to me in tears.  He's finally figured out we aren't going.  He asked, hopefully, if we were now going Sunday.  I said no.  So, we talked about why I'd lied.  It took him a bit longer than ODS to catch on to it all but in the end he figured it out too.  He's a smart one, cleaver at times... ;)  He told me I was just mean but HE didn't mean to hurt others when he lied.  I told him that lies hurt others, regardless of your 'intent'.  I knew he was sad about the lie, he was hurt, but, that feeling would pass and he'd still get to go again, eventually, when he'd outgrown the lying. :)  He's cute... he doesn't necessarily confess things to me directly but he'll send me a text to tell me he did something.  LOL  Hey, I'll take the communication in any way I can.  He'll text, I'll talk to him, he'll feel better. :) 

I would never 'start' off this way, I'd never catch my kids in a lie and decided I was going to 'lie right back to them', but, after trying many other things, over a period of a few months, and nothing seemed to sink in... I wanted something that they WOULD remember!  Both boys know I do not lie to them often.  The only 'lies' that are ok in our home are like the only secrets in our home... those with an expiration date (birthday/Christmas gift, surprise location, etc.).  You can 'lie' and say you don't know what's in the box (gift) or you don't know where someone is (shopping for a gift) but those have expiration dates.  You can keep a secret the same way.  But, secrets without expiration dates and lies without expiration dates aren't ok.  Lies of omission are what we're working on now.  If things don't change soon, I'll soon start 'omitting' things for them too... something that they'll remember!  LOL 

PJs35
by on Feb. 14, 2014 at 12:46 PM
May try this with SD6. We are at a loss with her lies. She thinks its ok because BM lies to her all the time. We've watched her facial expressions when she is lying...You can actually see her coming up with the lie to cover the other lie when DH or I are standing right in front of her with hard proof. It scares me and BM thinks it's funny when DH mentions it to her. She's 6 and the school is threatening us with suspension or being expelled due to the lies and the tantrums she throws when confronted.

Quoting jules2boys:

Yes, very typical for that age.  Both boys did it, to different extents.  I did it at 11.  I can clearly remember it even now (well, it's fuzzy now but I remember doing it and NOT knowing why I did it).  I lied about homework.  I nearly failed that grade because I lied about doing homework.  I can remember sitting down (as always) to do it but then just daydreaming the time away (bad home life, I was escaping.. not the best coping mechanism but it's what I had at that time...) but, since I'd spent so much time 'doing homework', I must have done it... it was an awful cycle.  I can remember a few PT conferences and a lot of yelling at home but I don't remember what finally turned me around about it.  :(

With the boys, they didn't lie about school work and they never tried to play BF and I against each other, they chose other things to lie about (one was electronics/usage, etc.).  I'd talked to them both about the effects of lying to others, a lie would always be found out, don't you want others to trust you, etc.  I read them the Peter and the Wolf story and other books I'd found (age appropriate) on lying.  BF is a habitual/chronic liar and I KNEW they'd both been on the receiving end of his lies (to the point that they questioned what 'really' happened instead of the story dad made up (when there were other, adult, witnesses who knew the boys had done no wrong).  We talked about those past situations as well.  Nothing much seemed to 'click' for them.  So, I got desperate.

I lied to them.  They each did it at a different time (they are 4.5 years apart) but betwen 8 and 10.  When all else had failed, I chose to lie to them.  I told the brother NOT lying what was up, and to just go along with it.  The liar didn't have a clue.  For ODS I talked about going this one of his favorite places, with one of his BFFs.  I talked about it the night before and told him I'd had this idea that we'd go.  He was excited.  He woke talking about it.  He kept asking WHEN we were going.  I kept putting him off with 'just one more thing I have to do first'.  Finally, about 6pm, he came to me very sad and said 'we're not going, are we?'  I just looked at him and said "no.  I lied about it."  He looked at me really hard and said 'what?'  So, then we talked about how HE felt being lied to.  He was hurt, sad, angry, confused, etc.  We talked about WHY people lie (he mentioned a few reasons he'd also been lying recently - all age appropriate but still not good reasons).  Then I told him why I'd lied.  I'd tried all these other things to get him to stop yet he kept getting caught in lies.  So, I picked something he'd remember MORE than the others.  Something that meant more to him so he'd remember.  He's now 15 and still remembers it, but he doesn't lie to me, or if he does (still age appropriate if he thinks he'll get into trouble for something) he'll come and 'confess' to me, as he has learned that he'll get in LESS trouble if he brings it to me than if he waits until *I* find out on my own (and I always do...). 

With YDS I told him we'd go to Disneyland (we live in CA).  He's been many times so it's not like a 'once in a lifetime' trip I lied about, this is something he can and does go fairly often but he loves the park.  So, when he went through this, after trying ALL of the methods above again and a few more his teacher and some friends of mine had suggested ahd worked with their kids (or at least that they'd tried with their kids LOL), I went with the big one.  We planned this after a particularly big lie on a Wed.  I told him that night we'd go to D-land on Saturday.  He talked about it for days (even at school).  So, Saturday comes around and I'm busy in the morning.  Sometimes we've just gone in the afternoon/night so that wasn't unusual.  But, then I was busy with 'one more thing' still in the afternoon.  Finally, it's after dark, and he comes to me in tears.  He's finally figured out we aren't going.  He asked, hopefully, if we were now going Sunday.  I said no.  So, we talked about why I'd lied.  It took him a bit longer than ODS to catch on to it all but in the end he figured it out too.  He's a smart one, cleaver at times... ;)  He told me I was just mean but HE didn't mean to hurt others when he lied.  I told him that lies hurt others, regardless of your 'intent'.  I knew he was sad about the lie, he was hurt, but, that feeling would pass and he'd still get to go again, eventually, when he'd outgrown the lying. :)  He's cute... he doesn't necessarily confess things to me directly but he'll send me a text to tell me he did something.  LOL  Hey, I'll take the communication in any way I can.  He'll text, I'll talk to him, he'll feel better. :) 

I would never 'start' off this way, I'd never catch my kids in a lie and decided I was going to 'lie right back to them', but, after trying many other things, over a period of a few months, and nothing seemed to sink in... I wanted something that they WOULD remember!  Both boys know I do not lie to them often.  The only 'lies' that are ok in our home are like the only secrets in our home... those with an expiration date (birthday/Christmas gift, surprise location, etc.).  You can 'lie' and say you don't know what's in the box (gift) or you don't know where someone is (shopping for a gift) but those have expiration dates.  You can keep a secret the same way.  But, secrets without expiration dates and lies without expiration dates aren't ok.  Lies of omission are what we're working on now.  If things don't change soon, I'll soon start 'omitting' things for them too... something that they'll remember!  LOL 

Special3kids
by on Feb. 14, 2014 at 12:48 PM
My SD used to lie big time. We would tell her if she told the truth then we wouldn't punish her, she would still lie. We would tell her that we have proof that she is lying and that she needs to come clean, she would still lie. Finally we would have to show her the proof of her lying, and then my dh had to punish her (usually take away her toys or send her to sit on her bed) not bc of what she did our didn't do but bc she lied. Now she prides herself on being honest. :-)
NTMBeth
by on Feb. 15, 2014 at 8:33 AM

I'm liking this... I may use this and see how he responds.

I wound up explaining to him that he was grounded for 2 weeks, due to the lying not because he was using the iPod when he shouldn't have been. (For that he will just not be able to bring it along with him anymore. He knew the risk he was taking.)

I told him that no lie is worth tellng and that they ALWAYS catch up to you. I also told him I was personally hurt and disappointed in him. It was hard to say that, but I had to get down and dirty in order to drive the point home.

Thanks to all of you for the encouragement!

Quoting AmyB118: Typical for that age. DD15 was that way occasionally. She's finally grown out of it. I think they think if you didn't see them then it can't be proven. Lol. Just take it like you all agreed on and remind him about lying. I absolutely HATE lying. Hill to die on. I tell DD that if you have to lie about what you are doing then you shouldn't be doing it. Here is a great line I've used forever. Works like a charm:

If you can accept the consequences of your actions then by all means have at it. Tell her, and SSs for that matter, think it thru. If you can live with the outcome then do what you have to do. Seems to work well. Teaches them to think it thru.

You are doing a fine job. All kids lie. It's a rite of passage. It's what you do about it that's the key to the whole thing.


AmyB118
by on Feb. 15, 2014 at 11:33 AM
It works well. And when I say it I don't scream it. I just do it matter of factly. While she still stretches the truth now and then it's easier on all of us bc when she does something and gets caught I ask her if it was worth it. Lol. Generally the answer is no. But it actually gives her some of her control back which is what they are seeking. Plus I've stressed to her that once you tell a lie you have to remember what lie you've told and to whom you've told it. If you tell the truth you don't have to remember it bc it's the truth.

Quoting NTMBeth:

I'm liking this... I may use this and see how he responds.

I wound up explaining to him that he was grounded for 2 weeks, due to the lying not because he was using the iPod when he shouldn't have been. (For that he will just not be able to bring it along with him anymore. He knew the risk he was taking.)

I told him that no lie is worth tellng and that they ALWAYS catch up to you. I also told him I was personally hurt and disappointed in him. It was hard to say that, but I had to get down and dirty in order to drive the point home.

Thanks to all of you for the encouragement!

Quoting AmyB118: Typical for that age. DD15 was that way occasionally. She's finally grown out of it. I think they think if you didn't see them then it can't be proven. Lol. Just take it like you all agreed on and remind him about lying. I absolutely HATE lying. Hill to die on. I tell DD that if you have to lie about what you are doing then you shouldn't be doing it. Here is a great line I've used forever. Works like a charm:



If you can accept the consequences of your actions then by all means have at it. Tell her, and SSs for that matter, think it thru. If you can live with the outcome then do what you have to do. Seems to work well. Teaches them to think it thru.




You are doing a fine job. All kids lie. It's a rite of passage. It's what you do about it that's the key to the whole thing.


NTMBeth
by on Feb. 15, 2014 at 1:58 PM

No doubt. It's too bad that most kids don't realize that lies are way too much work to keep up with until they are much older.

Quoting NTMBeth:

My ex informed me last night that my DS10 got in trouble at his after school program for using his iPod (strike 1)and then blatantly lied about it to his Dad (strike 2).

When we gave DS10 the iPod I told him it would be able to take it between our house and his Dad’s (we are in a 50/50 situation) but that he had to keep it in his backpack during school and after school and if he got in trouble with it - it would be a loss of that privilege.

But what bothers me is the lying. He seems to always rely on fibs. “Wasn’t me!” And the kids sticks to it, big time. Doesn’t back down. I feel like I have failed in this department. Have any of you handled a similar situation with success. I want my son to understand that lies ALWAYS catch up to you.


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