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s/o Disneyland without skids

Posted by on Feb. 14, 2014 at 6:01 PM
  • 27 Replies
I don't post much in this group but I do read a lot here. I have a very similar situation to the origina Disneyland post. My skids are older. Ss1 is military, ss2 is in college, ss3 is 17 and lives with his mother because dh won't let him see his 13yo gf, sd15 lives with us full time. Ds is 8 and wants to go to Disneyland.

Dh and I have been discussing who should go on the Disney trip this summer. Ds and sd for sure. The ss's? That is the question.
Over their Christmas break when they were here, I heard all of them repeatedly make comments to sd like, "I'm not doing dishes. I'm on vacation." They did nothing.....no dishes, no general cleaning up after themselves, no snow shoveling. They were on vacation and made it perfectly clear to all.

Last summer when we went on vacation, ss3 spent the whole time texting gf, wouldn't get out of bed, refused to go on some of the activities. "That's lame. I'm not doing that" ss1 stayed up till all hours drinking and then was a zombie all day. I don't really want a repeat of that. Wasn't fun for me.

Also, I am the one who plans and pays for vacations. Am I wrong to feel the way I do? Am I wrong to want a fun vacation, instead of one where I'm cleaning up after and prodding the ss's along the whoke time? I know these are dh's kids, but really......the older 2 are adults, and ss3 has made it clear he doesn't enjoy my vacation plans.
Oh, and dh has asked them if they want to go. They've all said yes, of course...but no one can say why they want to go.
Thoughts on this? Thanks.
by on Feb. 14, 2014 at 6:01 PM
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Replies (1-10):
jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Feb. 14, 2014 at 7:19 PM

Who's paying for SS2's college?  (BF paying or loans in kids name?)

You say YOU pay for vacations.  Do you also contribute to the household expenses, share them with DH, or is your salary/money simply allocated for vacations while DH's is for other household expenses? 

Some families pay for their adult childrens vacations still. Some stop at 18/grad HS.  It sounds like your family 'norm' is to pay for all kids to go on the vacation, even as adults.  I'd make a list of things the trip is about (DS8) and then again ask the older ones if they're willing to comply and go 'as a family' if you/DH are footing the bill.  If yes, cool, pay for them.  If not, they can pay for themselves and 'be there' but not participate if they don't wish to or they can stay home/not go.  DH should be on board with this before it's offered to the older kids.  If DH isn't, you two need to figure out what you can each live with, or you have bigger problems than who to pay for going to Disney...

Personally, I would not pay for my own kid to go on vacation if they wouldn't participate (as adults), but those are my kids, not my SKids. 

Does SD15 want to go?  My ODS15 wouldn't want to go 'with family' but loves to go with friends... Just asking. 

soonergirl980
by Platinum Member on Feb. 14, 2014 at 7:39 PM

I personally would take all kids but not micromanage the older ones. Just do your thing and maybe just have a couple activities that the whole family does together.

Leigh84
by Gold Member on Feb. 14, 2014 at 8:10 PM

this is what I was going to suggest

Quoting soonergirl980:

I personally would take all kids but not micromanage the older ones. Just do your thing and maybe just have a couple activities that the whole family does together.


cdrainey3
by on Feb. 14, 2014 at 9:17 PM
1 mom liked this
You obviously read my post? So I know it's hard. A lot people are thinking I am saying ss just can't go. That's not true, he's invited IF he can go when I'm planning it. I wouldn't want my vacation ruined by brats either. I would set some definite rules and tell them they are invited, but last time these were some issues... And they are not to happen again. If they can't handle that, then they need to stay home? Something like that maybe? Good Luck!
andie646c
by Silver Member on Feb. 14, 2014 at 9:21 PM
2 moms liked this

If the adult stepchildren want to go, I would think it would make the most sense for them to pay their own way there. If my mom (my biological mother) goes on vacation with my dad and little sister then they pay for them (my sister is 13). If I want to go, then I pay for my own gas, hotel room, dinner, etc. As an adult, I wouldn't expect my parents to continue to pay my way for everything.

The non-adult sk's should get to go if they want though.

ABCMomma0211
by on Feb. 14, 2014 at 9:30 PM

In this situation, of course not. 

I'd make ss1 pay for ihs own way...and if the 17 year old has a job, and the same with ss2, make them pay for their own way. 

Or simply say 

"Because of your actions at our last vacation I am not inviting you."

oldproatthis
by Gold Member on Feb. 14, 2014 at 9:41 PM
Easy, invite them, but don't pay and don't worry about plans. These "kids" are now of age where they can figure out what they want to do on a vacation. Of they don't have their own money, it's on dad to pay and plan. Your only obligation is to make the invite open but you are not obligated to pay as they are not your kids or plan the day to day if they donmt appreciate. And if their bioparents canmt afford it or it conflicts with what their PARENT(S) already have planned, well, too bad. It isn't your kid, you aren't the parent, you don't get to override, it isn't your place and you aren't obligated to fix it.
oldproatthis
by Gold Member on Feb. 14, 2014 at 9:48 PM
I agree to a point it's dad's rules though. Here's an example...when we were teenagers my parents made a bad decision and took my beother's best friend on a family trip. This kid was SUCH a pain in the ass. Now it ended up going like this...he either just did what we did, or stayed in the hotel pouting alone. We stopped trying to make him have fun. We marched on with/without him.
It's up to DH to deal with SS. Leave the invite standing. If he is able to come and is a pain in the ass, smile, gently tell him to spend time with his dad, and take your children to do something fun. Just don't make him your problem. He isn't your problem so don't make him your problem. DH will either handle it and you can all be together and have a good time or he won't and you'll get a bunch of time with your kids while DH deals with SS behavior...either way...no conflict between you and SS, either way it's a good time for you and your children.

Quoting cdrainey3: You obviously read my post? So I know it's hard. A lot people are thinking I am saying ss just can't go. That's not true, he's invited IF he can go when I'm planning it. I wouldn't want my vacation ruined by brats either. I would set some definite rules and tell them they are invited, but last time these were some issues... And they are not to happen again. If they can't handle that, then they need to stay home? Something like that maybe? Good Luck!
whatIknownow
by on Feb. 14, 2014 at 10:12 PM
1 mom liked this

I am so glad I am not married to a person who judges and criticizes my children.

KarmaBusDriver
by ChiefBottleWasher on Feb. 14, 2014 at 10:47 PM

I cringe everytime I see a step parent call their skids names. Mine aren't perfect all the time but I would never think to judge them so harshly. I would hate living with a step parent who tried to interfere with my relationship with my parents or who always seemed so judgemental of everything I did.

Quoting whatIknownow:

I am so glad I am not married to a person who judges and criticizes my children.


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