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Why is it on BM

Posted by on Feb. 18, 2014 at 11:57 AM
  • 57 Replies
3 moms liked this

I have been reading these posts for the past few months and shocked at how many things people think BM is responsible for. Would it make it easier if everyone got along. Yes but that is just not reality.

It is not BMs job to keep you informed about medical or education. You want to know what is going on create a relationship with schools and doctors. Do not talk bad about BM while there, just be involved.

It is not BMs job to keep a relationship between DH and child. It is her job not to impede visitations or phone calls. However if she asks or annoys and DH says keep my kid during my time that is on DH not BM. I do not rely on the other parent for information, I go straight to the source.

Is it harder, yes it is, but it makes it so parenting is my responsibility, not the other parent. I am friends with other parents in my child's class and an active participant at school. I have a full time job and still make this a priority. I am at every doctor appointment. If I couldn't be I would have a phone conversation with the doctor after every appointment. Put the responsibility on the parent in your house.

If the BM doesn't follow the court order. File contempt. Do something. Don't just bitch it is not done. Be an active parent.

by on Feb. 18, 2014 at 11:57 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Closet_Case
by Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 12:06 PM
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In our situation BM doesn't feel like it's her responsibility to keep dad updated on medical, school, and other things but she feels that it's his automatic responsibility to pay for everything even though she refuses to send him copies of the bill. She'll only tell him how much He owes her and won't tell him what the money went to. So he ends up having to go to the doctor and talk to them anyways.
Last time this happened she told him he owes her $500 for a doctors appointment and prescriptions when in reality she didn't have to pay for the appointment and she didn't tell the pharmacy that the daughter had tricare prime (plus she refused the medication that tri-care covers and got the namebrand instead) so now he has to go back to the doctor and the pharmacy himself and get the issue straightened out bc she refuses to do so bc it's not her problem.
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 12:07 PM
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I think the women would rather blame BM than their own husbands, for his lack of involvement.

FreedomTruth
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 12:12 PM
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No it is not. Your DH makes it his problem. She wants money she has to provide receipts. She refuses not your problem.

Quoting Closet_Case: In our situation BM doesn't feel like it's her responsibility to keep dad updated on medical, school, and other things but she feels that it's his automatic responsibility to pay for everything even though she refuses to send him copies of the bill. She'll only tell him how much He owes her and won't tell him what the money went to. So he ends up having to go to the doctor and talk to them anyways.
Last time this happened she told him he owes her $500 for a doctors appointment and prescriptions when in reality she didn't have to pay for the appointment and she didn't tell the pharmacy that the daughter had tricare prime (plus she refused the medication that tri-care covers and got the namebrand instead) so now he has to go back to the doctor and the pharmacy himself and get the issue straightened out bc she refuses to do so bc it's not her problem.

 

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 12:13 PM

DH can tell BM to produce a receipt and he'll pay.  No receipt, no money to pay the bill.  I do this with XH.  He does this with me (he doesn't take the boys to the doc but the old dentist the boys had wouldn't give me a bill, they'd bill insurance, and insurance would send BF the bill for what they didn't cover.  Then BF would email it to me and I'd pay my half).  Easy enough.  I've called/texted BF and told him as a 'heads up' that he'll owe $$ for something but, I don't expect to see a dime of it until I have the bill from the doc in hand. 

Seems pretty easy to me.  Why was your DH just paying BM without receipts?  BM likely feels it's BFs responsibility because that's how he's taught her to treat him.  If he insisted on a receipt, a bill, etc., she'd either produce it or be solely responsible for it. 

Quoting Closet_Case: In our situation BM doesn't feel like it's her responsibility to keep dad updated on medical, school, and other things but she feels that it's his automatic responsibility to pay for everything even though she refuses to send him copies of the bill. She'll only tell him how much He owes her and won't tell him what the money went to. So he ends up having to go to the doctor and talk to them anyways.
Last time this happened she told him he owes her $500 for a doctors appointment and prescriptions when in reality she didn't have to pay for the appointment and she didn't tell the pharmacy that the daughter had tricare prime (plus she refused the medication that tri-care covers and got the namebrand instead) so now he has to go back to the doctor and the pharmacy himself and get the issue straightened out bc she refuses to do so bc it's not her problem.


BrownEyedGirl86
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 12:14 PM
2 moms liked this

i woudl think it would be easier for everyone and better for the child if the parents were able to have a decent relationship and open communication about everything going on in the childs life.  its beyond me why one would want to make a situation of 2 households that much harder on a child

KarmaBusDriver
by ChiefBottleWasher on Feb. 18, 2014 at 12:16 PM

I agree.....we've learned to sidestep BM and go right to the source.  Nothing is going to keep DH from knowing what is going on in all aspects of his kids life's.

And while DH is good to relay pertinent information to BM, he also will not spoon feed BM info. He fully expects her to act like an adult and if she needs info above what he's given, she can ask or get involved.

She wants to participate in school? Then she has her own access to the teacher and schedules and by all means has every right to get involved. 

Same with Drs, dentists ect..

FreedomTruth
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 12:18 PM

 It is what it is. You cannot control the other parent but you can control yourself. DH has choices but it is easier to bitch about BM. Sorry be a parent and quit putting the responsibility on someone else.

Quoting BrownEyedGirl86:

i woudl think it would be easier for everyone and better for the child if the parents were able to have a decent relationship and open communication about everything going on in the childs life.  its beyond me why one would want to make a situation of 2 households that much harder on a child

 

SnapIt
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 12:19 PM
I will always mention to my kids to call their dad even if its not his days or wk
He does the same back
If they are with me for a full wk, i will tell them to call or text or facetime
Anything to communicate
He does the same back for me

We dont do the its your father that should call you crap
Or your father has a phone to call you

I make sure they keep in contact with their father out of respect.
I can put my ego away to make sure father and kids are connected
Down the way, they will see i helped them keep connected as oppose to tearing them apart.
BrownEyedGirl86
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 12:21 PM

I agree 100 % but playing devils advocate why can't some bm's grow up and be an adult and tell dad whats going on.  It could help repair a relationship for the child - and in some cases help said child realize that once one parent knows the other will too....giving the child no room to play any games kwim?

Quoting FreedomTruth:

 It is what it is. You cannot control the other parent but you can control yourself. DH has choices but it is easier to bitch about BM. Sorry be a parent and quit putting the responsibility on someone else.

Quoting BrownEyedGirl86:

i woudl think it would be easier for everyone and better for the child if the parents were able to have a decent relationship and open communication about everything going on in the childs life.  its beyond me why one would want to make a situation of 2 households that much harder on a child




Closet_Case
by Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 12:23 PM
This is the first time she pulled this without providing receipts. She's been going to court a LOT lately (forging documents, speeding, expired tags and no insurance) so he thinks she's trying to get the money she's lost through him even though he's paying 720 a month for their daughter. We're going to the courthouse today to see about his custody date and if there's anything he can do to restrict contact to just txt or email bc she's turned downright vicious the past couple months and he gets nothing done by way of communicating with her or his daughter.

Quoting jules2boys:

DH can tell BM to produce a receipt and he'll pay.  No receipt, no money to pay the bill.  I do this with XH.  He does this with me (he doesn't take the boys to the doc but the old dentist the boys had wouldn't give me a bill, they'd bill insurance, and insurance would send BF the bill for what they didn't cover.  Then BF would email it to me and I'd pay my half).  Easy enough.  I've called/texted BF and told him as a 'heads up' that he'll owe $$ for something but, I don't expect to see a dime of it until I have the bill from the doc in hand. 

Seems pretty easy to me.  Why was your DH just paying BM without receipts?  BM likely feels it's BFs responsibility because that's how he's taught her to treat him.  If he insisted on a receipt, a bill, etc., she'd either produce it or be solely responsible for it. 

Quoting Closet_Case: In our situation BM doesn't feel like it's her responsibility to keep dad updated on medical, school, and other things but she feels that it's his automatic responsibility to pay for everything even though she refuses to send him copies of the bill. She'll only tell him how much He owes her and won't tell him what the money went to. So he ends up having to go to the doctor and talk to them anyways.

Last time this happened she told him he owes her $500 for a doctors appointment and prescriptions when in reality she didn't have to pay for the appointment and she didn't tell the pharmacy that the daughter had tricare prime (plus she refused the medication that tri-care covers and got the namebrand instead) so now he has to go back to the doctor and the pharmacy himself and get the issue straightened out bc she refuses to do so bc it's not her problem.


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