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Division of time amongst children - Am I being unreasonable?!

Posted by on Feb. 18, 2014 at 2:56 PM
  • 101 Replies

We are a large, very blended family. 7 kids in total;  2 are my dh's (aged 13 boy and 11 girl) from a previous relationship, a set of twin 7yo boys w high needs that we want adopted soon as they've been with me since they were infants, 1 is my 13 yo son from a previous relationship, and we have 2 daughters together age 4 and 1. The step kids are here every weekend and some evenings during the week.

Our usual routine is dh goes to work early in the am;  I stay home with our kids. He gets home from work, goes straight for a nap. I wake him up at dinner time, he eats with us and is generally grumpy. After dinner, he falls asleep on the couch. He sleeps until I put the kids to bed, then gets up for a couple of hours before we go to bed and we have a bit of alone time. On the weekends when the step kids are here, dh usually stays up all of friday eve w a few nod offs if we're watching tv. Then sleeps in the next day until 2 pm or so both saturday and sunday. during the day, he is pretty awake. He does everything he can to spend time with his kids (the step kids) and takes them out with him constantly. He invites them to run errands with him or will take just them to his dads for dinners or meet up with his dad for lunches etc. But my/our kids are NEVER included in any of this. It drives me crazy!!!

We fought constantly and he defends himself with the fact that he sees the kids all week long and only sees the steps on the weekend. I've pointed out that he sleeps all week long, and the interactions he has w my/our kids is usually quite negative as all he does is complain about the things they don't do or their fighting or whatever. Not saying he is 100% always negative;  during dinner when he's up, I share their accomplishments with him and he says "good job" or "I'm proud" and is pretty supportive. Just he doesn't do anything fun with them. It's been like he saves himself for his kids and gives whatever is left over to mine/ours. He felt horrible when I pointed this out to him and stopped with the weekend trips with just his kids. My kids spend weekends at my moms house often enough that he gets plenty of wonderful 1 on 1 time with his kids when they're gone. The step kids are welcomed at my mom's house for overnights but, due to the step kids behavior, I've insisted that they don't go. Dh tried to be offended and upset, but, in reality, the step kids are over to spend time with him, not my mom. And my mom shouldn't have to deal with their problematic behaviors. Plus, she has 5 of them overnight already.

So, after many many discussions, fights, etc, I came to realize that his sleeping is not normal at all. Even if he works early, he shouldn't need to sleep so much. I thought maybe he was avoiding us. Maybe depressed. who knows? So I found him a dr and made him an appointment and pushed him to go. Turns out he has a severe case of sleep apnea! and was rushed a machine to help him sleep better. He got it on Friday and it's a miracle for sure. He is awake all day, all eve, and sleeps through the night beautifully! This is the first weekend with it.

On saturday though, we were eating lunch and he says to the step kids that afterwards he wants to run errands and that they are welcomed to join him. He then said to the other kids "Just sd and ss". Looked at me and said, "is that ok?" I said do what you want. I was fuming inside! We just finally decided that this crap was done, and here he goes doing it again! I excused myself from the table and started cleaning up. Dh then took all of my kids (foster boys and my son) into a bedroom to talk to them. Afterwards he asked me to join him in our garage for another dual session.

In the garage, he tells me that seeing as the machine works, he will be more present in all of the kids lifes and I'm a jerk to make him feel bad about wanting alone time w his kids (inspite of the fact that my kids were going on a sleep out to my moms house that eve and he'd have plenty of alone time w them). I told him I'm done arguing over this crap as it's something that's been happening for years now. That I'm sick of him making my kids feel like second class citizens in our home. He says that's why he talked to them. That he explained to them that he is sorry for being so tired and grumpy with them. That it has nothing to do with them, it is a condition, blah blah blah. And he promised them that now on, during the week, he is going to do fun things with them constantly. But that, on the weekends when ss and sd are there, he may want alone time with just them. The boys told him they understood, hugged it out, and the boys are ok with it. It still doesn't sit well with me. I told him I just can't understand why we can't just do things all together when my kids are home. They're gone literally every second weekend so it's not like there isn't ample time for him to spoil the step kids then and engage in large family activities during the times when my kids are home. Blah blah, same shit, different arguement. So sick of it. He says that he is going to prove himself;  that he is going to show me how involved he will be with the boys from now on. And I'm not giving him a chance. But the way I see it, it seems he now has to justify the time he will spend with the boys during the week by having more alone time w the skids when they're here, like a tally sheet or something may be implemented.

I'm irritated. I don't know if I'm being unfair to him. He swears I will never understand how he feels about not having his kids with him all week long (he used to have custody of them, and raised them alone for 4 years) I try to, and i don't ever say he can't do these things, but I cannot lie and say I'm supportive of his ventures w just the steps. Am I being unreasonable? Woud you say my view point is valid, or am I making too much out of this?

by on Feb. 18, 2014 at 2:56 PM
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Replies (1-10):
som610
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 3:04 PM
2 moms liked this

I can see both sides of this.

Do you spend any time all together?

kristinbugg
by on Feb. 18, 2014 at 3:04 PM
1 mom liked this
I agree with your DH.

His children are there to see HIM. The who point of visitation is for them to spend time together. They don't get the advantage of living in the same home as their father. Your children do.

Your DH should be able to spend the limited time he has with SCs with them, without you demanding that he devote that time to your children.
skittleshawk
by Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 3:10 PM
1 mom liked this

i agree with hubby your being ridiculous

ms_amanda
by Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 3:14 PM

 Up until yesterday, not really. We all went for a snow fun day. Usually though, I take all 7 kids out by myself as my dh was too tired to do anything. And everything I do on weekends includes the skids. I NEVER leave them out. They are invited to all my family events as well. My family loves them and is happy to have to include them. I even go so far as to hold off of fun things to wait for the step kids. Like baking activities or craft ideas I have.

I can see his side but I still am irritated. I can't help it. If my kids didn't spend so much time out of the house, I'd be more then ok with it. But, that very evening, my kids were leaving for 2 nights. dh could have just waited until my kids left (in just a few hours) to run his errands and then take them out to a movie or something. Not like he had to run out the door that second either. kwim?

Quoting som610:

I can see both sides of this.

Do you spend any time all together?

 

GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 3:14 PM
3 moms liked this

What errands was he needing to go run?  Do you think he just doesn't want to haul SEVEN kids out for errands?  I know I wouldn't and if I were him, I would just bring my two as well.

wise.toes
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 3:19 PM
1 mom liked this

i think it's reasonable to expect each child gets some quality one-on-one time with daddy. not when out running errands though.

kristinbugg
by on Feb. 18, 2014 at 3:19 PM
1 mom liked this
That's not true.

You admitted that when the rest of the children go spend the night at your mother's, you don't allow SCs to go. You intentionally leave them out. Then, you have the audacity to whine about your husband spending time with SCs and leaving your children out.

Seriously?

Quoting ms_amanda:

 Up until yesterday, not really. We all went for a snow fun day. Usually though, I take all 7 kids out by myself as my dh was too tired to do anything. And everything I do on weekends includes the skids. I NEVER leave them out. They are invited to all my family events as well. My family loves them and is happy to have to include them. I even go so far as to hold off of fun things to wait for the step kids. Like baking activities or craft ideas I have.


I can see his side but I still am irritated. I can't help it. If my kids didn't spend so much time out of the house, I'd be more then ok with it. But, that very evening, my kids were leaving for 2 nights. dh could have just waited until my kids left (in just a few hours) to run his errands and then take them out to a movie or something. Not like he had to run out the door that second either. kwim?


Quoting som610:

I can see both sides of this.


Do you spend any time all together?


 

....ClvrScn.
by on Feb. 18, 2014 at 3:23 PM
1 mom liked this

My step daughter is welcome at my parents home, but I don't allow her to go there without DH because of her mothers lies 

Pressed charges on FIL for molesting SD - never happened. Charges dropped

Pressed charges on me for beating SD with a belt - never happened. Charges dropped

Yup, no way in hell am I putting my parents through that shit storm.

Quoting kristinbugg: That's not true.

You admitted that when the rest of the children go spend the night at your mother's, you don't allow SCs to go. You intentionally leave them out. Then, you have the audacity to whine about your husband spending time with SCs and leaving your children out.

Seriously?

Quoting ms_amanda:

 Up until yesterday, not really. We all went for a snow fun day. Usually though, I take all 7 kids out by myself as my dh was too tired to do anything. And everything I do on weekends includes the skids. I NEVER leave them out. They are invited to all my family events as well. My family loves them and is happy to have to include them. I even go so far as to hold off of fun things to wait for the step kids. Like baking activities or craft ideas I have.


I can see his side but I still am irritated. I can't help it. If my kids didn't spend so much time out of the house, I'd be more then ok with it. But, that very evening, my kids were leaving for 2 nights. dh could have just waited until my kids left (in just a few hours) to run his errands and then take them out to a movie or something. Not like he had to run out the door that second either. kwim?


Quoting som610:

I can see both sides of this.


Do you spend any time all together?




wise.toes
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 3:26 PM
1 mom liked this

is this your post or ms_amanda's post? i'm confused.

Quoting ....ClvrScn.:

My step daughter is welcome at my parents home, but I don't allow her to go there without DH because of her mothers lies 

Pressed charges on FIL for molesting SD - never happened. Charges dropped

Pressed charges on me for beating SD with a belt - never happened. Charges dropped

Yup, no way in hell am I putting my parents through that shit storm.

Quoting kristinbugg: That's not true.

You admitted that when the rest of the children go spend the night at your mother's, you don't allow SCs to go. You intentionally leave them out. Then, you have the audacity to whine about your husband spending time with SCs and leaving your children out.

Seriously?

Quoting ms_amanda:

 Up until yesterday, not really. We all went for a snow fun day. Usually though, I take all 7 kids out by myself as my dh was too tired to do anything. And everything I do on weekends includes the skids. I NEVER leave them out. They are invited to all my family events as well. My family loves them and is happy to have to include them. I even go so far as to hold off of fun things to wait for the step kids. Like baking activities or craft ideas I have.


I can see his side but I still am irritated. I can't help it. If my kids didn't spend so much time out of the house, I'd be more then ok with it. But, that very evening, my kids were leaving for 2 nights. dh could have just waited until my kids left (in just a few hours) to run his errands and then take them out to a movie or something. Not like he had to run out the door that second either. kwim?


Quoting som610:

I can see both sides of this.


Do you spend any time all together?





som610
by Bronze Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 3:28 PM
1 mom liked this

 I definitely understand that frustration. Hopefully things will get better now that he knows what he was so tired and is working on it.

Quoting ms_amanda:

 Up until yesterday, not really. We all went for a snow fun day. Usually though, I take all 7 kids out by myself as my dh was too tired to do anything. And everything I do on weekends includes the skids. I NEVER leave them out. They are invited to all my family events as well. My family loves them and is happy to have to include them. I even go so far as to hold off of fun things to wait for the step kids. Like baking activities or craft ideas I have.

I can see his side but I still am irritated. I can't help it. If my kids didn't spend so much time out of the house, I'd be more then ok with it. But, that very evening, my kids were leaving for 2 nights. dh could have just waited until my kids left (in just a few hours) to run his errands and then take them out to a movie or something. Not like he had to run out the door that second either. kwim?

Quoting som610:

I can see both sides of this.

Do you spend any time all together?

 

 

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