Division of time amongst children - Am I being unreasonable?!
We are a large, very blended family. 7 kids in total; 2 are my dh's (aged 13 boy and 11 girl) from a previous relationship, a set of twin 7yo boys w high needs that we want adopted soon as they've been with me since they were infants, 1 is my 13 yo son from a previous relationship, and we have 2 daughters together age 4 and 1. The step kids are here every weekend and some evenings during the week.
Our usual routine is dh goes to work early in the am; I stay home with our kids. He gets home from work, goes straight for a nap. I wake him up at dinner time, he eats with us and is generally grumpy. After dinner, he falls asleep on the couch. He sleeps until I put the kids to bed, then gets up for a couple of hours before we go to bed and we have a bit of alone time. On the weekends when the step kids are here, dh usually stays up all of friday eve w a few nod offs if we're watching tv. Then sleeps in the next day until 2 pm or so both saturday and sunday. during the day, he is pretty awake. He does everything he can to spend time with his kids (the step kids) and takes them out with him constantly. He invites them to run errands with him or will take just them to his dads for dinners or meet up with his dad for lunches etc. But my/our kids are NEVER included in any of this. It drives me crazy!!!
We fought constantly and he defends himself with the fact that he sees the kids all week long and only sees the steps on the weekend. I've pointed out that he sleeps all week long, and the interactions he has w my/our kids is usually quite negative as all he does is complain about the things they don't do or their fighting or whatever. Not saying he is 100% always negative; during dinner when he's up, I share their accomplishments with him and he says "good job" or "I'm proud" and is pretty supportive. Just he doesn't do anything fun with them. It's been like he saves himself for his kids and gives whatever is left over to mine/ours. He felt horrible when I pointed this out to him and stopped with the weekend trips with just his kids. My kids spend weekends at my moms house often enough that he gets plenty of wonderful 1 on 1 time with his kids when they're gone. The step kids are welcomed at my mom's house for overnights but, due to the step kids behavior, I've insisted that they don't go. Dh tried to be offended and upset, but, in reality, the step kids are over to spend time with him, not my mom. And my mom shouldn't have to deal with their problematic behaviors. Plus, she has 5 of them overnight already.
So, after many many discussions, fights, etc, I came to realize that his sleeping is not normal at all. Even if he works early, he shouldn't need to sleep so much. I thought maybe he was avoiding us. Maybe depressed. who knows? So I found him a dr and made him an appointment and pushed him to go. Turns out he has a severe case of sleep apnea! and was rushed a machine to help him sleep better. He got it on Friday and it's a miracle for sure. He is awake all day, all eve, and sleeps through the night beautifully! This is the first weekend with it.
On saturday though, we were eating lunch and he says to the step kids that afterwards he wants to run errands and that they are welcomed to join him. He then said to the other kids "Just sd and ss". Looked at me and said, "is that ok?" I said do what you want. I was fuming inside! We just finally decided that this crap was done, and here he goes doing it again! I excused myself from the table and started cleaning up. Dh then took all of my kids (foster boys and my son) into a bedroom to talk to them. Afterwards he asked me to join him in our garage for another dual session.
In the garage, he tells me that seeing as the machine works, he will be more present in all of the kids lifes and I'm a jerk to make him feel bad about wanting alone time w his kids (inspite of the fact that my kids were going on a sleep out to my moms house that eve and he'd have plenty of alone time w them). I told him I'm done arguing over this crap as it's something that's been happening for years now. That I'm sick of him making my kids feel like second class citizens in our home. He says that's why he talked to them. That he explained to them that he is sorry for being so tired and grumpy with them. That it has nothing to do with them, it is a condition, blah blah blah. And he promised them that now on, during the week, he is going to do fun things with them constantly. But that, on the weekends when ss and sd are there, he may want alone time with just them. The boys told him they understood, hugged it out, and the boys are ok with it. It still doesn't sit well with me. I told him I just can't understand why we can't just do things all together when my kids are home. They're gone literally every second weekend so it's not like there isn't ample time for him to spoil the step kids then and engage in large family activities during the times when my kids are home. Blah blah, same shit, different arguement. So sick of it. He says that he is going to prove himself; that he is going to show me how involved he will be with the boys from now on. And I'm not giving him a chance. But the way I see it, it seems he now has to justify the time he will spend with the boys during the week by having more alone time w the skids when they're here, like a tally sheet or something may be implemented.
I'm irritated. I don't know if I'm being unfair to him. He swears I will never understand how he feels about not having his kids with him all week long (he used to have custody of them, and raised them alone for 4 years) I try to, and i don't ever say he can't do these things, but I cannot lie and say I'm supportive of his ventures w just the steps. Am I being unreasonable? Woud you say my view point is valid, or am I making too much out of this?