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This is NOT a WWYD ... but I'm curious ...

Posted by on Feb. 18, 2014 at 3:58 PM
  • 34 Replies

Okay, I presume we are all good parents ... who sift through their children's many friends (and even family members), encourage contact with the "good" ones, and kind of limit contact with the "bad" ones, right?

What about stepfamily situations though? What if you don't consider your ex's new family "good" enough? What if you (as a stepparent) don't consider your new DH's children "good" enough?

An example (not a WWYD, because I don't intend to do anything) ... DD13 has two stepsisters, 11 and 13. The 13 year old is a bit off the right path at the moment, in fact, quite a bit ... she smokes, has sexual encounters, is in contact with complete strangers on the internet, which will result in secretly meeting them. Last week, BF told DD that he is very worried for her stepsister ... how can you ever resolve an issue like this in stepfamily land?

by on Feb. 18, 2014 at 3:58 PM
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Replies (1-10):
pepper504
by Gold Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 4:06 PM

Use her stepsister as an example in how not to be/act. 

Pero3
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 4:13 PM

 I get the feeling that this - whilst perfectly acceptable in nuclear family land - would be totally unacceptable in stepfamily land!

Quoting pepper504:

Use her stepsister as an example in how not to be/act. 

 

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 4:35 PM
1 mom liked this

As long as it's done reflecting the 'acts' or 'poor choices' and not simply saying 'your stepsister sucks, don't do what she's doing' or something, I'd agree with pepper. 

BF is a habitual liar.  This has been known to the kids since they were quite young.  I've used his poor habit as an example of how NOT to be, but not by saying 'DS, look, your BF sucks and lies all the time, don't do that too!', but something along the lines of , "DS, I know you're upset because BF lied to you again (or used you in a lie again).  Sometimes people say/do things that they shouldn't. But, you have a choice.  You can choose the good or bad habits you see in others to take for your own, or you can choose not to.  Anyone you meet, anyone in your life, can show you how to treat others, and be a good or bad example of how to live your life.  The choice is yours to make.  I hope you'll choose my good habits and actions to immulate, and leave my bad ones to me alone (don't pick them up for yourself)."

If' Pero approached her DD and said "sometimes teens make poor choices.  Here's why I think smoking (at any age?), having sex too young (or outside of marriage, or before you're X age - whatever), and contacting people/strangers on the internet to do these things is wrong", her DD is old enough, and worldly enough, to realize who she's referring to without calling her DDs SS a nasty name or something.  Keep the focus on the actions/words used, rather than the person.  DDs SS isnt' a 'bad person', she's making some 'bad' or 'poor' decisions at this time in her life, and not ones Pero wants to see her DD make. 

Quoting Pero3:

 I get the feeling that this - whilst perfectly acceptable in nuclear family land - would be totally unacceptable in stepfamily land!

Quoting pepper504:

Use her stepsister as an example in how not to be/act. 



GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 4:36 PM

Yes totally unacceptable.  BUT, I am am a total hypocrite here.  I have said this to my two bios about my youngest SS.  He dropped out of school, moved in with an older girl.  He is a sweet kid.  No drugs, no other bad behavior.  I just see no financial prosperity in his future as he has no drive to do better.  I love him and other than the bad grades and dropping out of school and not caring about finances he is a sweet, awesome boy.

I flat out tell DD15 and DS11 that I will not put up with behavior of that sort from them.  He tells them the same though. 

Quoting Pero3:

 I get the feeling that this - whilst perfectly acceptable in nuclear family land - would be totally unacceptable in stepfamily land!

Quoting pepper504:

Use her stepsister as an example in how not to be/act. 



wise.toes
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 4:42 PM

comparing to other siblings is NEVER a good idea. step-family or birth family! =( 

OP, i'd cautiously have the parent bring it up with the other parent -- and leave it at that.

Quoting pepper504:

Use her stepsister as an example in how not to be/act. 


pepper504
by Gold Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 4:52 PM

It is not comparing. It's using her as an example with regards what not to do. 

You have a cousin who is into drugs.  Do you not use that as an example to your kids with regards to the path that they shouldn't take in life?  Same thing.

Quoting wise.toes:

comparing to other siblings is NEVER a good idea. step-family or birth family! =( 

OP, i'd cautiously have the parent bring it up with the other parent -- and leave it at that.

Quoting pepper504:

Use her stepsister as an example in how not to be/act. 



Pero3
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 4:56 PM

I personally am NOT going to bring anything up ... I don't consider DD's stepsisters her sibling, insofar I feel free to tell that such behaviour isn't acceptable ... and that's that.

I wonder, however, how the BP married to an SP with such a child (or vice versa) would manage such a situation.

Quoting wise.toes:

comparing to other siblings is NEVER a good idea. step-family or birth family! =( 

OP, i'd cautiously have the parent bring it up with the other parent -- and leave it at that.


 

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 5:03 PM
When SD, in our home, reached a point where she was both a bad influence and a danger to the other children, she was removed for their safety. DH was given the option of getting an apartment with her until she could live on her own, without us divorcing. He did not want to live that way.

My ex didn't need to bring it up. As a parent, it is my job to have my head out of my ass enough to see it and keep my kids safe. My case is way more extreme than most, though.
SassyMom25
by Silver Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 5:23 PM

I've kinda been in a similar situation. SS12s siblings have been exposed to a lot more things that my girls have. Since BM passed in July, we have been in the process of getting all the kids to know each other better.

Silent_Sea
by Gold Member on Feb. 18, 2014 at 5:26 PM
I have always been very direct with my kids. So, is say Point blank: Do not do...... That behavior is going to cause <______,> I give reasons and the bad possibilities. Consequences.

I don't have to say names because they know people at their school that do bad things too. It is all around them.

Hell, I have to tell you I have come to realize that parents are just as much the problem. I had four extra teen girls sleeping over this weekend and both sets of parents had enough sense to call and check in but they were clearly drunk. It was sad. My kids won't be staying at their friends home.

The only thing you can do is reinforce your rules and remain consistent on discipline. Consistency is the key. I don't think you have to say names but talk to your kids directly and don't be afraid to say NO.
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