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SD getting married...advice needed!

Posted by on Feb. 19, 2014 at 10:49 AM
  • 24 Replies

My 22yo SD is getting married in September.  I've been in her life since she was a baby & we have a very close relationship.  Hubby & I don't have any children together.  I truly consider her my own.  

Me & BM, however, are a different story (hubby & BM haven't spoken directly to each other in several yrs).

After all these years BM still says negative stuff about us to her daughter.  Anyways, with an upcoming wedding things are bound to get a bit tense for all of us.  I certainly don't want to put my SD in any awkward or stressful situation.  Planning a wedding is hard enough!  I'm not sure exactly where I fit in when it comes to helping her plan the wedding & search for a dress.  Hubby says I should just let things happen & if SD wants my help or input she'll ask.  I think I should tell her how I feel.  I don't want her to have to chose between her mother & me.  I'm an adult & i can most definitely put my feelings aside.  I just don't know if her mother can do the same.  I have a feeling BM would throw a fit if I was included on anything.

Should I talk to SD about how I'm feeling or just let it go & see what happens?  I would be thrilled if she asked for my help.  And I have to admit I would be crushed if she didn't.  

Anyone who may have gone through this...I'd appreciate any advice!  Thanks!!

by on Feb. 19, 2014 at 10:49 AM
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Replies (1-10):
MommySabs
by Gold Member on Feb. 19, 2014 at 10:55 AM
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I think your dh is right. By speaking to her you will be putting her in the middle, she will then have to worry about upsetting you or hurting your feelings.
There is a good likelihood that your role will be to stay on the sidelines. Smile and enjoy your sd happiness don't make her trip down the aisle any more stressful than it already will be.
mb1111
by Bronze Member on Feb. 19, 2014 at 11:03 AM
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I would probably let her know that you are available to help in any way she wants you too, but leave it at that.  That way she knows your willingness, but you aren't pushing yourself into the mix in case she would rather just have BM help to avoid drama. I just say this because if it was me I wouldn't assume people were able and willing to help unless they offered, but this way you weren't insisting on helping and possibly creating drama with BM. 

digdug
by on Feb. 19, 2014 at 11:28 AM
Good advice! It is always nice to offer help and then step back a bit. This is a super emotional situation I can relate to. My SD is only 11 but I see my future and its def on the sidelines. Maybe offer a nice lunch where you share wedding details or just share marriage pointers. I make an effort to be there for my SD but her mother is her mother. Good luck !
owl0210
by Member on Feb. 19, 2014 at 11:35 AM
I would wait until she approaches you and then offer to help.
wise.toes
by Bronze Member on Feb. 19, 2014 at 11:50 AM

i would talk to her. i would tell her exactly what you said here - that you're available and not to worry about hurting your feelings if she would prefer her mother to do whatever it is instead of you. and then i'd expect to be on the sidelines. =)

weebis
by Member on Feb. 19, 2014 at 11:52 AM

Yep--this. 

Quoting wise.toes:

i would talk to her. i would tell her exactly what you said here - that you're available and not to worry about hurting your feelings if she would prefer her mother to do whatever it is instead of you. and then i'd expect to be on the sidelines. =)

 

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Feb. 19, 2014 at 11:54 AM
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I think I'd mention in passing that if she needs help with anything that you'd be glad to lend a hand.

She might think that you staying quiet and not offering a hand (even if it's just a token hand) means that you aren't interested in anything going on with the wedding, blah blah blah.  Don't make a big deal out of it, if you see her or she calls and starts talking about the wedding, I don't think it's overstepping to say, "I'm happy for you and so excited!  I know you and BM have everything under control, but if you need a hand with anything, let me know." 

If you say that, you are acknowledging that you know BM is 1st up when it comes to the wedding/helping/whatever AND SD will know that you want to help if there is something that needs to be done that neither of them have time to do.

jules2boys
by Silver Member on Feb. 19, 2014 at 11:55 AM

How old is your SD?  How long has she been out on her own?  Or, does she still live with BM?

pseudomamma
by Bronze Member on Feb. 19, 2014 at 12:01 PM
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When my SDs got married, I let them know I was here.  BM was pushing for everything, including trying to talk them into excluding me from the wedding and reception.  So I talked to each one and let them know I was here if they needed anything, including to just get away from the stress.  Just let me know.  That helped them because they no longer had to worry about offending me.  Whether or not they did, they will never hear.

I'm sure you will crushed.  Remember there's going to be lots of pressure put on her.  Not only by BM, but perhaps FMIL as well.  Don't be a problem.  She will have enough.


aem891
by Member on Feb. 19, 2014 at 12:20 PM

Jules2boys:  SD is 22 yrs old.  She currently lives with her grandfather (BM's father - which, BTW, BM doesn't speak to).  SD hasn't lived with her BM since she was 18.  BM lives in another state (about 2 hrs from us).  BM doesn't drive & has 2 younger children.  

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