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Am I being too sensitive?

Posted by on Feb. 20, 2014 at 3:49 PM
  • 33 Replies
2 moms liked this

I have an sd8 and ss11. I'm their primary care giver as well. Their bm calls on the average of once a year. Both kids are having some behavioral issues, so DH, the kids and I have established a more extensive list of rules, and rewards. DH works  more than 12 hours a day, and the only advice people seem to give is that it is DHs fault that he isn't home more. If DH doesn't work, bills don't get paid, the SKs don't get the things they need and it would make things worse all around. SKs receive no support financial or otherwise from bm. I find myself getting offended when people lay blame on him when he's doing what he has to to support them. He's home every weekend, and spends the entire weekend with them... that's when I run my errands and visit my friends.  Am I just being too sensitive? I'd like to get advice, but blaming anyone doesn't really help.

Stacy


DS23monkey DD21big smile mini SS10smile SD8smile mini 

by on Feb. 20, 2014 at 3:49 PM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Feb. 20, 2014 at 4:10 PM
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well, it's likely that his absence, and his leaving a substitute in his place to care for his kids, is a contributor to their behavioral problems.

Plantchick
by Member on Feb. 20, 2014 at 4:24 PM

I see his daily struggle to balance his work with the kids. He doesn't leave for work until they leave for school. He's home by 6pm. 

I've never met the kids' bm, but when they talk to the school counsellor, they seem to use the excuse that "they did it to get attention from mom". I've seen caseworker reports of things that she has done to the kids that, frankly, horrify me. 

I know DH needs to have more time for them, but what do you do when sometimes, that's just not an option?


Stacy


DS23monkey DD21big smile mini SS10smile SD8smile mini 

weebis
by Member on Feb. 20, 2014 at 4:29 PM
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Just keep swimming, swimming, swimming...What do you do?  You just keep on swimming...

There's not really a whole lot you can do.  Get the kids into counseling, maybe get a part-time job so your DH doesn't have to work so many long hours, but aside from that, chin up and make the best of your situation.  Blended familes aren't a one-size fits all kind of deal.

jlg12678
by Gold Member on Feb. 20, 2014 at 4:34 PM

I'd let the complaints about your husband go in one ear and out the other. Yes, it would obviously be nice if he was around more but the fact is you have to work if you want to eat. 

I'd be willing to bet the largest part of the issue is the likely abandonment they feel from their mom's absence.  Sucks that mom doesn't contribute anything and never sees them...I'd suggest counseling for the kids as I'm sure they struggle with bm's lack of interest.  

RitaTequila531
by HushBreatheRelax on Feb. 20, 2014 at 7:25 PM
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It would be great if you went to work and He stayed home.
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Plantchick
by Member on Feb. 20, 2014 at 9:03 PM

I work out of the home while the kids are at school, so that isn't part of the issue. It's worked out over the last couple years that he pays the bills, I take care of groceries, kids' clothes and their activities. It's not ideal, but it seems to be the best solution. And as I have experience in education, me being home for homework time makes the kids a little more willing to work on their own and just come to me when they need help.



Stacy



DS23monkey DD21big smile mini SS11smile SD8smile mini 

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Feb. 21, 2014 at 6:18 AM

Both parents are absent. The OP can't do anything about the mom's absence. The "complaints" about her husband are suggestions to do something about HIS absence.

She can let it go in one ear and out the other. And then she can become one of the SMs who never changes anything and never solves anything.

do you know anyone like that?

Quoting jlg12678:

I'd let the complaints about your husband go in one ear and out the other. Yes, it would obviously be nice if he was around more but the fact is you have to work if you want to eat. 

I'd be willing to bet the largest part of the issue is the likely abandonment they feel from their mom's absence.  Sucks that mom doesn't contribute anything and never sees them...I'd suggest counseling for the kids as I'm sure they struggle with bm's lack of interest.  


whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Feb. 21, 2014 at 6:20 AM
1 mom liked this

There might be ways to increase his involvement besides changing the number of contact hours.

For example, if Dad becomes the homework parent, that would be a great opportunity for contact.

Quoting Plantchick:

I work out of the home while the kids are at school, so that isn't part of the issue. It's worked out over the last couple years that he pays the bills, I take care of groceries, kids' clothes and their activities. It's not ideal, but it seems to be the best solution. And as I have experience in education, me being home for homework time makes the kids a little more willing to work on their own and just come to me when they need help.




chanizen
by Platinum Member on Feb. 21, 2014 at 6:21 AM
1 mom liked this

I agree with this.  If the op really is invested in this,perhaps she wants to pull a larger financial load, freeing dh up to work lees and contribute more time to the kids.

It would likely solve many problems.

Quoting RitaTequila531: It would be great if you went to work and He stayed home.


whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Feb. 21, 2014 at 6:22 AM
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I'm a little confused. You said he works 12 hours a day. But here you say he goes to work after the kids leave for school and is home by 6pm. That isn't 12 hours.

Quoting Plantchick:

I see his daily struggle to balance his work with the kids. He doesn't leave for work until they leave for school. He's home by 6pm. 


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