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UPDATE...Transition between houses... Advice?

Posted by on Feb. 24, 2014 at 9:42 AM
  • 48 Replies
BM and DH have been have been divorced for just under 5 years now. And during that whole time (except for a bad 2 months) they have had a custody arrangement that BM gets kids every Monday and Tuesday and DH gets them every Wednesday and Thursday, then they alternate weekends starting Friday.

Here's the thing... And before anyone says it THIS IS NOT A BM BADHING POST... Just simply need advice on what DH and I can do differently on our end of things. I understand completely her house her way, our house our way.

BM has rules at her house but they are rarely enforced, even her mother has said to us that they act like animals with her. Again not bashing, just giving some background. It seems every weekend that DH has them the kids are very badly behaved Sunday. Even Wednesday when they get back they don't behave badly. Is this just them anxious to get back to their moms or just acting out? Any advice?

UPDATE!

So finally after getting BM, DH, SF and I to all sit down and talk we discussed this issue too. They see the same exact thing when it's time for the kids to come back to us. And the kids actually say to BM and SF "it doesn't matter if you yell at me I'm going to my dad's tomorrow so I won't be in trouble". So now we all agreed to try out the punishing at both houses thing. It was the simplest of answers and makes the most sense. Crossing my fingers that this works!
by on Feb. 24, 2014 at 9:42 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Eternity807
by Bronze Member on Feb. 24, 2014 at 9:53 AM

I don't have any advice but we have the same issue with SS2.  BM has EOWE visitation and usually only takes him for one night of the weekend.  When DH gets SS back he doesn't listen and is constantly throwing temper tantrums and disobeying.  We have just resigned ourselves to this and give him a day to transition.  He is then back to his normal self.  I don't know what the rules are in her house, how he is fed, or cared for, but based on his actions it is different than in our house.  Just buckle down and prepare for it.

Thom3Mom
by on Feb. 24, 2014 at 9:56 AM
And I would understand it that way. But these kids are different. They are great coming back to us but the day before they go back to her it is hell. I don't get it lol.

Quoting Eternity807:

I don't have any advice but we have the same issue with SS2.  BM has EOWE visitation and usually only takes him for one night of the weekend.  When DH gets SS back he doesn't listen and is constantly throwing temper tantrums and disobeying.  We have just resigned ourselves to this and give him a day to transition.  He is then back to his normal self.  I don't know what the rules are in her house, how he is fed, or cared for, but based on his actions it is different than in our house.  Just buckle down and prepare for it.

Eternity807
by Bronze Member on Feb. 24, 2014 at 10:12 AM

 I guess I should have read the post closer.  Do you think it's there way of saying they don't want to go back?

Quoting Thom3Mom: And I would understand it that way. But these kids are different. They are great coming back to us but the day before they go back to her it is hell. I don't get it lol.

Quoting Eternity807:

I don't have any advice but we have the same issue with SS2.  BM has EOWE visitation and usually only takes him for one night of the weekend.  When DH gets SS back he doesn't listen and is constantly throwing temper tantrums and disobeying.  We have just resigned ourselves to this and give him a day to transition.  He is then back to his normal self.  I don't know what the rules are in her house, how he is fed, or cared for, but based on his actions it is different than in our house.  Just buckle down and prepare for it.

 

progressandjoy
by Silver Member on Feb. 24, 2014 at 10:18 AM
1 mom liked this
Maybe you should sit down with the kids. Tell them you notice a change in their behavior and ask them if they have an explanation.
Thom3Mom
by on Feb. 24, 2014 at 10:30 AM
I don't know. They love their mom and always have fun stories to tell when they come back. Could be though. Maybe they miss their dad?

Quoting Eternity807:

 I guess I should have read the post closer.  Do you think it's there way of saying they don't want to go back?


Quoting Thom3Mom: And I would understand it that way. But these kids are different. They are great coming back to us but the day before they go back to her it is hell. I don't get it lol.


Quoting Eternity807:

I don't have any advice but we have the same issue with SS2.  BM has EOWE visitation and usually only takes him for one night of the weekend.  When DH gets SS back he doesn't listen and is constantly throwing temper tantrums and disobeying.  We have just resigned ourselves to this and give him a day to transition.  He is then back to his normal self.  I don't know what the rules are in her house, how he is fed, or cared for, but based on his actions it is different than in our house.  Just buckle down and prepare for it.


 

Thom3Mom
by on Feb. 24, 2014 at 10:31 AM
That's a good idea.

Quoting progressandjoy: Maybe you should sit down with the kids. Tell them you notice a change in their behavior and ask them if they have an explanation.
Star112539
by Member on Feb. 24, 2014 at 10:36 AM

It is normal for kids to need time to adjust from the transition between 2 houses.  It seems to me that your stepkids go back and forth so much in a single week that maybe they aren't getting time to adjust to one house before going back to the other house....? 

ladybugchick317
by on Feb. 24, 2014 at 10:36 AM

 I think dh and bm need to sit down together with the kids and make them understand rules and see that they are still in this together and go from there.

Thom3Mom
by on Feb. 24, 2014 at 10:49 AM
Well that's the thing they are fine during the week and even when they come back from their moms. The only day that's a problem is Sunday.

Quoting Star112539:

It is normal for kids to need time to adjust from the transition between 2 houses.  It seems to me that your stepkids go back and forth so much in a single week that maybe they aren't getting time to adjust to one house before going back to the other house....? 

Thom3Mom
by on Feb. 24, 2014 at 10:53 AM
That would work except BM doesn't have the same rules at her house. DH and BM kind of operate as my house my rules. The only time they come together for rules or punishment is it it's something really really bad or if it involves school problems. They tried at the beginning to work together with that kind if stuff but it never seemed fair to punish at both houses if they weren't misbehaving at both.

Quoting ladybugchick317:

 I think dh and bm need to sit down together with the kids and make them understand rules and see that they are still in this together and go from there.

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