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Tough Decision

Posted by on Feb. 25, 2014 at 8:47 AM
  • 360 Replies
DF and I finally set a date for our wedding. It's the date that works best and we are good with it. Now, here is the issue...

The kids are very gung-ho about the wedding. They have reacted positively to it from the minute they knew. They continue to have questions, talk about what they want to wear, etc. So it's all good.

The weekend that we picked is NOT DF's weekend. He has 50/50 split w BM. He plans to ask BM for the kids for a few hours that day, to be picked up and brought back by his mother. Now, he and I are aware of the of the fact BM may say no, they can't come. DF understands he is taking a huge risk. He has made many concessions for BM over the last 3 years, been flexible, all in the kids best interest.

Now, if BM says no, and refuses to let them attend, it will hurt the kids, because she will be the one saying no, for her own reasons.I think they would be very upset if they didn't go. I ALSO wish we could have done this on a weekend we have them, so there is no question about attendance.But, not to be. It's risky hoping BM will say okay.

Anyone been in this situation as an SM or BM? What did you do if BM?As SM, how would you handle skids disappointment?
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by on Feb. 25, 2014 at 8:47 AM
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Replies (1-10):
baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Feb. 25, 2014 at 8:49 AM
10 moms liked this

I guess I will ask the obv question then....why didnt you just pick a time when you would have the kids?

FreedomTruth
by Bronze Member on Feb. 25, 2014 at 9:04 AM
I have never scheduled something during his weekend. There was a birthday party of his best friend that occurred on his dads weekend that he didn't think his dad would let him attend but a month before the party I let his dad know there would be a party at some point during that weekend and son has gone and stayed the night for the past 4 years. I told my son if he wasn't able to go then the next weekend I would take him and his friend out to celebrate the birthday just them and that helped ease his anxiety. His dad did let him go but it is the only time he has allowed him to do anything during his time.
SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Feb. 25, 2014 at 9:06 AM
Good luck! We were fortunate enough to not have this issue. We made sure SS attended BMs wedding and she was absent when SS attended our wedding.
kristinbugg
by on Feb. 25, 2014 at 9:06 AM
2 moms liked this
Hopefully BM will let the children attend. If not maybe Dad can sit down with them and explain that he really does want them there, but that he has to respect Mom's time with them.

Amy1973Potts
by on Feb. 25, 2014 at 9:06 AM
We tried. It was what worked out. It took alot of finagling to get what we did. Let me play Devil's Advocate here for a moment; on one hand, if it was SO IMPORTANT that the kids weren't left out, we should have picked a different date. One the other hand, why should our wedding center around the kids?

Now, I could be a bitch here and say "Well if BM really cared about the kids and let them come for 2-3 hours instead of making it all about HER and hurting the kids...blah blah blah" but I won't. I don't think she would NOT let them attend.

Its just in the back of my mind, you know?
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Amy1973Potts
by on Feb. 25, 2014 at 9:10 AM
DF has let them attend things on his time. Both are really good about not interfering with each others time. When it does, BM offers a date to make up. So, they do good in that aspect and have a better coparenting relationship in the last six months, which is great.
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tx.tara
by on Feb. 25, 2014 at 9:11 AM
2 moms liked this

We are also planning our wedding, and we intentionally planned it for a weekend that he does not have his daughter, may sound selfish, but I want the weekend to be about us, not just a normal weekend that we happened to get married. If we had her the whole weekend, we would end up doing a lot of the normal stuff we do when we have her. I want to be able to have "us" time that weekend...not just go home right after the wedding to get her bathed and to bed... we do plan on having her involved, but I don't see BM making an issue of it. We have a pretty good relationship, and she lets us have her anytime we want really if it's not our official time and we want to take her to do something.

Hopefully BM will agree and let you have them, could you talk to her now about it so that you have time to make arrangements if she says no? Maybe have time for her to think about it and realize that the kids really want to go and she may change her mind?

momof2cuteboys
by Silver Member on Feb. 25, 2014 at 9:12 AM
3 moms liked this

I find it horrible that you will blame BM if the kids can't be there.  

mb1111
by on Feb. 25, 2014 at 9:13 AM

Why not just ask BM to trade the day or the weekend rather than asking her to give up time?

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Feb. 25, 2014 at 9:13 AM
3 moms liked this

when I got married, one of the requisites for us is that 1. we def wanted SS there. 2. it HAD to be a weekend we had him. no if ands or butts. This alleviated alot of drama.

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