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BM refuses to acknowledge me unless it's about my salary...

Posted by on Mar. 2, 2014 at 9:02 PM
  • 143 Replies

I've been a stepmom for about 7 months now. My SS is 5 years old, is in his second half of kindergarten and is a wonderful little boy. We have a good relationship and DH is very supportive and nurturing. I've been involved with DH and SS for about 2 years in total now. I have still not formally met BM and have only spoken to her on the phone once so she could yell at me and tell me I couldn't go to a school event because she would be there and I'm not his real mom so I "have no place being there." 

She continually criticizes everything I do and says I'm playing "bad mommy," calls me a whore, homewrecker and homely runt in front of the little guy on a regular basis (could be happening more often, but that's all I hear over the phone). Mind you, I was not in the picture until well after BM had an affair, filed for divorce, kicked DH out of his own house and was ready to sign a divorce agreement. I am by no means the cause of the divorce.

I have offered through DH to meet her wherever she is comfortable whenever she is ready, she has been invited over, and have made other offers so that the hostilities can end. She refuses to meet me and now every school event becomes stressful. We have fortunately only ever had to jointly attend one and I kept my distance out of respect for her and to avoid an embarrassment for the little guy. I do not want to miss out on activities and would like to be there to support my SS as much as possible but I'm concerned BM will be hostile and embarrass all of us. 

We have 50/50 physical and legal custody and a regular schedule. Because DH works early I end up bringing my SS to school on the days that we have him. I do quite a bit for our half of little guys family including ironing school uniforms, making breakfast, lunch, sometimes dinner, helping with homework, keeping track of school events, paying for half of DH's half of the expenses for uniforms, tuition, clothes, toys etc. I would think that I do an excellent job for not having kids of my own. Some things to keep in mind about BM:

1. She has been the cause of my SS being between 5 and 90 minutes late to school over 15 times now;

2. Does not return clothes, uniforms, toys, lunch boxes, silverware, underwear, etc. for up to a couple of weeks (if ever) even though we ask repeatedly for these things and complains when we do not return something that she has not asked for or that we don't have;

3. Demands to have a good night phone call every night that my SS is with us but rarely returns to courtesy when my SS is with her. She often calls between 2 and 5 times a day when he is with us which interrupts the already limited time my husband gets to spend with his son;

4. Refuses to do any transportration between households and cries poverty although she gets a handsome child support check every week despite having 50/50 custody;

5. Works only 8 days a month but somehow cannot find the time to purchase necessary items for my SS for school and life in general;

6. Spends a lot of money for non-essential activities (tubing, overnight skiing trips, movies, aquariums, etc) but says she cannot pay for school field trips, afterschool activities that my SS was signed up for without consulting DH at all first, or child care that we didn't know about and was not established out of our need but hers;

7. Has not paid for even half of one my SS' haircuts in over 18 months, refuses to clip his fingernails and toenails, and regularly leaves DH with the bill for medical issues and will make doctors appointments and specialists appointments without consulting DH first;

8. She keeps items such as school pictures, books, clothing etc. that we ordered through the school and returned home from school with my SS to BM for some reason and says nothing about them until my SS indicates that she has them and we confront her about it. Our checks get cashed but she claims to have no clue what we're talking about and says she does not have these items but we know she does because my SS talks about them;

There are MANY, MANY other examples of a severe lack of cooperation, inability to coparent or even just parent, and siginficant demonstrations of a lack of responsibility. BM has caused my SS enough emotional stress that he will not say my name to his mother because he says "she goes crazy when I say your name" so he cannot really be comfortable telling her about his other home with us. 

I have also had to put up with phone calls from BM to DH in the middle of the night completely drunk accusing him of blocking access to her son even though she had just spoken to him a few hours beforehand. She is the cause of a significant amount of stress, confusion, anxiety and unnecessary financial loss. 

I wrote her one letter indicating that I do not appreciate the personal attacks, threats, the language used to reference me, inability to cooperate and offered to meet her on her terms to clear the air and discuss any issues she might have with me. She ended up threatening to get a restraining order against me and claimed that I threatened her and my SS. I really have no idea how to handle this. I would like to know that we can all go to a school play or soccor game without risking a hostile confrontation but it seems impossible. She even went so far as to hire a private investigator to find out where I live, work, spend my free time and put a tracking device on DH's car. I'm dealing with a dangerous, irrational person and need some advice on how to handle it... DH has made it very clear that he wants to avoid court at all costs so that is not an option. I truly believe that we could end up with full custody of my SS based on her history, the fact that she never argued about custody of the little guy during the divorce, and that she is clearly incapable of taking care of him adequately since she lives with her sister and shares a bed with him every night... 

If someone out there has advice, I would really appreciate it. 

by on Mar. 2, 2014 at 9:02 PM
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Replies (1-10):
amantonacci
by Gold Member on Mar. 2, 2014 at 9:17 PM
7 moms liked this
Stay out of it.. There is no reason you have to interact with bm
CaringStepMom
by New Member on Mar. 2, 2014 at 9:24 PM
2 moms liked this

There is every reason I have to interact with BM. I am paying for things that she is not that are vital for the well-being of my SS and we will have to interact at school events and other settings. I'm not asking her to be my friend, I would like the threats and personal attacks and slander in front of my SS to stop. 

amantonacci
by Gold Member on Mar. 2, 2014 at 9:28 PM
5 moms liked this
You're paying for things to help out your husband with his child... If she doesn't want you at school events why don't you respect that and not go? If you don't want to be threatened, just don't put yourself in a situation where you would have to talk to her or see her?

Quoting CaringStepMom:

There is every reason I have to interact with BM. I am paying for things that she is not that are vital for the well-being of my SS and we will have to interact at school events and other settings. I'm not asking her to be my friend, I would like the threats and personal attacks and slander in front of my SS to stop. 

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Mar. 2, 2014 at 9:32 PM
4 moms liked this

If she's having people track you and is putting tracking devices on vehicles, is there not an option for a restraining order?  I mean I don't know what you want to do?

Me personally, I'd go to events that were open to the public.  This isn't a pay to play enterprise. I have paid a lot for my skids as well when my husband and BM couldn't but that doesn't grant me special privileges. I go to public things regarldess of whether or not BM and I are getting along at the moment.

You don't need permission.  As long as you're not doing anything that would be considered PPO worthy, you're fine.

Not exactly sure what you're after here?

djohn13
by Member on Mar. 2, 2014 at 9:32 PM
Stay out of it all let dh handle bm's shenanigans.
You can be a silent suppoter and push dh to speak up more.
Being an sm can be hard because some bm's just dont get the fact that the marriage is over now lets focus on the child we made.
Positive reinforcment is the key.
Try not to let bm's bad behavior stress you.
And dont force it, one step and day at a time.
CaringStepMom
by New Member on Mar. 2, 2014 at 9:37 PM
1 mom liked this

I help my husband pay for his half of expenses that are required to be split, yes. BM does not pay for her half which leaves my husband and I in a tough spot sometimes like when a deposit had to be made for the next year so my SS didn't lose his spot at the school. We are not talking about a hat or pants, but school tuition to a school that BM demanded my SS go to. It's a good school, so my husband agreed and now she is not keeping up her half of the agreement. 

Why should I stay home and demonstrate to my SS that I don't care enough to go to his school activities just because his BM is incapable of being civil? I will not be the step parent that does not support my SS. I am not that kind of person. Are you suggesting that it is ok for BM to threaten me simply because I desire to be in the same room to support my SS at his school activities, sports, recitals etc.?

babie113
by Bronze Member on Mar. 2, 2014 at 9:38 PM
2 moms liked this
she has issues she hates you slags you off for no reason .

shes controling .

honestly I would avoid her she sounds insane
CaringStepMom
by New Member on Mar. 2, 2014 at 9:43 PM

I believe there is an option for a restraining order, but it is not my intent to make BM's life difficult or add to the hostility. And I certainly don't want to impede my SS from his mother. The events I go to are public events, which is why I thought it wouldn't be a big issue. 

I don't expect special privelages at all, just a common courtesy. 

I'd like to work towards some semblence of a civil relationship with BM, but there's no hope for that on the horizon and I don't know what to do. 

Quoting Birdseed:

If she's having people track you and is putting tracking devices on vehicles, is there not an option for a restraining order?  I mean I don't know what you want to do?

Me personally, I'd go to events that were open to the public.  This isn't a pay to play enterprise. I have paid a lot for my skids as well when my husband and BM couldn't but that doesn't grant me special privileges. I go to public things regarldess of whether or not BM and I are getting along at the moment.

You don't need permission.  As long as you're not doing anything that would be considered PPO worthy, you're fine.

Not exactly sure what you're after here?


Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Mar. 2, 2014 at 9:49 PM
3 moms liked this

You just ignore and press on. I think it's weird that you've been in the kid's live this long and BM hasn't INSISTED on meeting the woman her kiddo spends time with.  I would think that most parents would want to know who their kids are around.

At any rate, just be kind and carry on.  I wouldn't try too hard to have a relationship.  It probably WON'T make things easier to be honest.  Having had it both ways, I'll tell you, it's a LOT eaiser to just have your husband deal with things with BM and stay out of it.  When you get friendly, it's much easier to get taken advantage of or sucked into drama. 

Clearly, BM in your sitch is a little unbalanced.  Do you want that in your inner circle? Or even your outer circle?

I say count your lucky stars that you are NOT having to interact with her.

kellynh
by Kelly on Mar. 2, 2014 at 10:04 PM
3 moms liked this

She hired a PI. Okay.. Lots of people do. Perhaps she was concerned about her son since he is clearly spending more time with you during the visits then with his Dad. How do you know she put a tracking device on your dh's car? You found one and had it fingerprinted? How do you know she hired a PI? 

There is nothing you wrote that would indicate a custody change. It would be a waste of money to try. 

Back off, stay off her radar. BM doesn't owe you anything. She does not have to communicate with you. You know she doesn't have any interest, so why are earth do you keep making attempts? Is it possible you don't understand this is egging her on? 

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