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Posted by on Mar. 6, 2014 at 10:27 AM
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So, I see a lot of, "Let dad handle it. " "Not your kid, not your problem" "Not your kid, back off". I'm wondering for some of you...How far does that go?
Such as, should the SM not make dinner, bathe the child, wash their clothes, get them up for school and/or take them to school...should SM's not send them to their rooms or scold them...just let them get away with anything until dad gets home? How far does, Not your kid, go? What about when dad works late?
Should children not have to listen to an adult because they are not their biological parent?? I think that is the one question that I wonder about some of you and your Let Dad Handle it, approach. I teach my kids to be respectful to all adults they are in the care of whether it's family, teacher's or babysitter. Just because that adult did not give birth to my child does not mean they do not need to do what they are asked. But with some replies...I feel that some of you believe SM's have no say, SM's are just controlling because they like things a certain way...but don't think that, just maybe, dad likes it that way too! Wow! What a thought. That we cannot be frustrated because it's not our kid...

Anyway...I want to hear your limits of the SM and how much the child can get away with because they aren't SM's child.



by on Mar. 6, 2014 at 10:27 AM
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Replies (1-10):
FreedomTruth
by Bronze Member on Mar. 6, 2014 at 10:35 AM
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I think when it is causing more grief and your DH is not backing you up then you completely disengage. However most people do not care if you are the one cooking, doing laundry, etc. I do think all children should respect all adults. However if the kids are giving you grief, your DH is not backing you up, then yes let DH handle everything. If DH does back you up then correct step child when then are behaving poorly, but the punishment should come from dad. Bathing is one of those things that I can see where some bio parents get upset.

I think some of every group are controlling jackasses (BM, SM, BF, and SF). I think that when it comes to decisions concerning the children, the steps can state their opinion to their significant others but that is where their say ends if both bio parents are involved.

thecircus8
by Silver Member on Mar. 6, 2014 at 10:48 AM
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Its very situationa;. Let Dad Handle applies to the big stuff. Not stuff that a grandparent or babysitter would do. 

If a child has two involved parents then no need for a SM to do anything more... But it is definitely situations. CSMs do more, especially if BM is uninvolved-abusive.

EDIT: to add that I am A CSM and have 3 uninvovled BMs, one uninvolved BF and one invovled BF. 

We have guardianship of DD17, custody of DH's 3 and my 2. LOL. I am a parent, but I do not that that is how is should be in MOST cases. Oh and we added another stray teen in the last weeks and will probably get guardianship of her soon also. 

AmyB118
by NA Rocks on Mar. 6, 2014 at 10:52 AM
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When SSs are here (adults now but it's still the same as it was in the beginning) they are treated like every other kid that comes here. If food needs to be cooked we cook it. Everyone eats. If someone has a dirty clothing item we wash it. If homework needed to be done and someone needed help we help them. Advice is given to anyone who asks. I wipe tears and listen to stories.

Once early on I watched SSs when DH had to work on a Saturday. They were so awful I called him, told him to come home and deal with it and then NEVER took them alone again. So DH was always here to discipline. His idea of discipline and mine are NOT the same. He's never really corrected OSS for being shitty to me bc he never wanted to be the bad guy. He now admits it was wrong but tbh it's too late to change anything. Since that's the case I don't spend time with OSS bc he's a disrespectful lying ass. Now I've told both he and DH if he were to get his shit together and prove he wanted to be an upstanding citizen I'd be all for interaction. It's not like it's not out there. Given his recent escapade with the OW in his and now exGFs bed while she was working I'm certain he's not close to my personal expectations for him. So he's not on my list or radar right now.

I chose not to overtly parent them. Now BM isn't one of my top 10 people of the year but she's always considered me more of a parent than I consider myself. I think, in retrospect, it's BECAUSE I haven't ever tried to be their momma and let her and DH parent the way they chose. Don't get me wrong, I'm sure I bit my tongue so much it's probably about 4" shorter than it should be and it pissed me off that they've never been held to the same standard as DD but at the end of the day it's not my problem. And I sleep well at night knowing that THEY all know I'm here if they need me
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Mar. 6, 2014 at 10:54 AM
Yea, pretty much this.

Quoting thecircus8:

Its very situational. Let Dad Handle applies to the big stuff. Not stuff that a grandparent or babysitter would do. 

If a child has two involved parents then no need for a SM to do anything more... But it is definitely situations. CSMs do more, especially if BM is uninvolved-abusive.

daddysgf
by and that's all on Mar. 6, 2014 at 10:57 AM
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Ehhh - it's so situational.


I give that advice on here a lot because these SMs are so stressed out doing all these things and then wondering why they have hurt feelings that aren't being acknowledged.

When that advice is given on here, it's 99% because that step parent shouldn't be watching the child while the bio is not home and thus, not having to do any of those things. That is what some families need because the children are not respectful of that SP.

It's not "hey this kid shouldn't have to respect you because you're not a bio" but more "hey this kid that isn't your bio isn't respecting you - you shouldn't have to be hurt because of it, let a bio fix the problem"

Rocker.Mom.07
by The Savior on Mar. 6, 2014 at 10:58 AM

I agree! It is very situational....but yet some like to think it's not and use the same lines on every SM with a frustration or concern that come in here and post. They don't take the situation into consideration... I am curious as to why they do that.

Quoting thecircus8:

Its very situationa;. Let Dad Handle applies to the big stuff. Not stuff that a grandparent or babysitter would do. 

If a child has two involved parents then no need for a SM to do anything more... But it is definitely situations. CSMs do more, especially if BM is uninvolved-abusive.


thecircus8
by Silver Member on Mar. 6, 2014 at 11:00 AM

Yep, you are one of the ones I think of and Hopes. there are a few more but I am sick and running a fever so I can't think of them right now. Me obivously, I am running a home for stray children with crappy parents at this point.  LOL... 

Quoting Tinkerbellmama: Yea, pretty much this.
Quoting thecircus8:

Its very situational. Let Dad Handle applies to the big stuff. Not stuff that a grandparent or babysitter would do. 

If a child has two involved parents then no need for a SM to do anything more... But it is definitely situations. CSMs do more, especially if BM is uninvolved-abusive.


thecircus8
by Silver Member on Mar. 6, 2014 at 11:03 AM
1 mom liked this

It may seem like that but it is not. I have never had a problem with it, neither have some of the others in my boat. However those members that you are speaking about are very very good about seeing thru the bullshit. And their advice is generally good, or specifically pointed as to get a point across or make a SM think twice.

Quoting Rocker.Mom.07:

I agree! It is very situational....but yet some like to think it's not and use the same lines on every SM with a frustration or concern that come in here and post. They don't take the situation into consideration... I am curious as to why they do that.

Quoting thecircus8:

Its very situationa;. Let Dad Handle applies to the big stuff. Not stuff that a grandparent or babysitter would do. 

If a child has two involved parents then no need for a SM to do anything more... But it is definitely situations. CSMs do more, especially if BM is uninvolved-abusive.


DDDaysh
by on Mar. 6, 2014 at 11:03 AM
Because if the kid isn't responding to SM, then yes, SM does need to step back and let dad handle it. She should not be babysitting if she doesn't have a relationship with the children that supports that. Most children will listen to a baby sitter that tells them to go to their room. However, if the child refuses the sitters authority, then the actual parent has to be the one that changes the tone and if the patent can't, that sitter should no longer be used.

Quoting Rocker.Mom.07:

I agree! It is very situational....but yet some like to think it's not and use the same lines on every SM with a frustration or concern that come in here and post. They don't take the situation into consideration... I am curious as to why they do that.

Quoting thecircus8:

Its very situationa;. Let Dad Handle applies to the big stuff. Not stuff that a grandparent or babysitter would do. 

If a child has two involved parents then no need for a SM to do anything more... But it is definitely situations. CSMs do more, especially if BM is uninvolved-abusive.

daddysgf
by and that's all on Mar. 6, 2014 at 11:07 AM

This is what I was trying to say.. you said it better LOL

Quoting DDDaysh: Most children will listen to a baby sitter that tells them to go to their room. However, if the child refuses the sitters authority, then the actual parent has to be the one that changes the tone and if the patent can't, that sitter should no longer be used.



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