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Blended Family Crisis

Posted by on Mar. 7, 2014 at 6:19 PM
  • 25 Replies

I am new to this support group. I've been searching around trying to find ideas or help on things to help with in my blended family. 


To start off, let me introduce myself. My name is Leslie. I am a divorced mother of 2. My oldest daughter is 12 years old, and my youngest son is 10 years old. I've been with my boyfriend over 2 years now. He has 3 children ages 11, 10, and 8.. Needless to say we are a blended family and it's pretty large. From the beginning everything was great, started off great, everyone getting along, etc. We now have his 3 children full time and have now been living with us full time for over 6 months. Before transitioning to full time, they were a week here, then a week back at their mothers, then they'd come back here a week. So a week on and a week off.  

My youngest son and his youngest son do NOT get along. In the beginning his youngest son would make up things, lie on my son, tell stories, etc. I am also guilty for not seeing it right away. Come to find out, his youngest was making things up to see him get in trouble. He would even blame the stuff he did on my son which caused my son to get in trouble. Now that I caught on to everything, and I've been paying more attention, I'm shocked at some of the things I'm hearing and seeing. These two can not get along. My son expressed that he is angry at him because of all the trouble he got him into and he never did some of the stuff. So he admitted to holding in anger towards him. Even now, my son can't say anything to his son without him tattling on him every few minutes. I'm not sure what to do about this. I've reached out to my boyfriends mom, which brought some things up that I had noticed myself, but my boyfriend never mentioned it was a recurring problem. I was told that because he's the youngest that  would be allowed to take things from his other brother and sister and when they would tell dad, he would tell them, oh he's a baby, let him keep it. She said he needs to stop babying him. Which hearing this, I got upset. Mainly because I felt like he should have been honest with me from the beginning. My son probably wouldn't be so angry if my boyfriend would have told me from the beginning that his son was known to do these things. Instead, it was blown off! It was like, he was trying to hide it, which made me think this was new behavior. No, this behavior has been going on with him. Every time I mention anything about Donavan doing something wrong, it even causes me and my boyfriend to argue. He gets so defensive over his youngest son for some reason. When it comes to his other two, he don't have a problem getting on to them. 

This is really beginning to stress me out.  Now I it's harder for me to be sympathetic towards my boyfriends youngest because he's lied to me so much and has lied on so many people in the family. So now, when he brings something to my attention, I question things more than usual. Maybe that's not fair Idk. I just know it really bothers me that my son can't even say anything to him without him trying to get him in trouble. I've stood outside the bedroom door and listened in to see if I can figure out what's going on. I will hear both of them in their fighting with one another. Then all of a sudden you'll hear my boyfriends youngest scream "STOP IT, DON'T TOUCH ME, DON'T PUNCH ME!!! When I open the door, My son is on his bed (which is the top bunk bed) and he's on the floor looking up at him. So I question... Why would you yell that if he isn't hitting you? The only thing I can figure is he's trying to get him in trouble. I've heard my son apologize to him on certain things, and tell him, "I'm sorry, I was just playing with you", then here comes my boyfriends youngest tattling on him anyway. It's like come on! I just heard him say he was sorry, why still try to get him in trouble for something you both did! But you never tell on yourself. 

Well now it's been over 2 years and it's not getting any better. I've talked to my son and told him to be the bigger person. My son of course has built up anger due to all the punishments and lies he's told on him. That's exactly what he says too. So I've said "I can't make him like him, I can't make him be friends with him, I can't make him share with him, I can't make them get along". My boyfriend gets so defensive when I bring his name up, we can't even talk about it without it making him yell at me. I'm not sure why! I just know I'm at my whits end and if something don't give, I'm going to have to remove me and my children from the situation. I don't feel that he's taking this seriously, and our kids are suffering over it. I've tried numerous things to try and get them closer and to bond. They will do really well for a couple of days, then as soon as my son says something he don't like, he's telling on him again. I know tattling is completely normal, but in this case, it's getting a little ridiculous. My mother in law said if my boyfriend don't stop babying him, that my son will end up resenting him. She said he could also cause me to resent him because of my child hurting. The only other thing I know to do is, separate them! Not letting them share the same room that is. 

I could really use some advise on this. I know unless my boyfriend is willing to step up and stop getting so offensive and face the facts, nothing will change. I know it has to start with us. The adults! But how do I get him on board? He will blow them off, tell them to go play, shew them away, etc. How do I deal with this?? I seriously feel like I'm losing my cool. I have kids too and I have to think about my children too and I don't feel that this is fair. Our kids will hear me and him arguing over this, they aren't stupid. They think he has his favorites (which is his youngest). He will spank his other children, put them in time out, write offs, etc. But when it comes to him, NOTHING! Help me please. What can I do? I'm not the biological mother and they know that, so I feel it's out of line for me to spank them or anything. I do give time outs, and I do give write offs, but I don't believe in spankings like he does. I try to look for other ways. If this doesn't get better, and get better FAST, I'm afraid I'm going to end up packing my shit and getting out of here! Even though this is my home, my things, everything. It's gotten to the point that it doesn't seem worth it anymore. I stay so stressed out! Please help me! Any advise would be greatly appreciated! 

by on Mar. 7, 2014 at 6:19 PM
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Replies (1-10):
WickedPissah
by Gold Member on Mar. 7, 2014 at 6:22 PM
1 mom liked this
If I were you I wouldn't post names and pictures. Just an fyi
dominatrix250
by on Mar. 7, 2014 at 6:25 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm sorry you're going through this. My SO has 4 kids and I have 2. It can be difficult. Hang in there.
The best way to overcome obstacles is to keep the lines of communication open.
Good luck. *Hugs*
Lesliefisher85
by New Member on Mar. 7, 2014 at 6:28 PM


Quoting dominatrix250: I'm sorry you're going through this. My SO has 4 kids and I have 2. It can be difficult. Hang in there. The best way to overcome obstacles is to keep the lines of communication open. Good luck. *Hugs*

Thank you! 

dominatrix250
by on Mar. 7, 2014 at 6:29 PM
You can edit your post and remove their names and the photo.

Quoting WickedPissah: If I were you I wouldn't post names and pictures. Just an fyi
Lesliefisher85
by New Member on Mar. 7, 2014 at 6:41 PM

Names and photo have been removed. Why does it allow you to add those things if it's not recommended lol? Sorry if I seem a little blunt, but I'm just trying to reach out for advise and help considering this has been going on way too long! 

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 7, 2014 at 6:56 PM
2 moms liked this
It's the open internet and anyone can see your photos. You're posting about very personal family issues and while yes CM wants you to feel comfortable enough to share your life - it's not recommended by many users who have dealt with their posts either being found out by the other party, a spouse or a creepy old man looking for photos of kids. Just be cautious of what personal information you put on the internet.

Quoting Lesliefisher85:

Names and photo have been removed. Why does it allow you to add those things if it's not recommended lol? Sorry if I seem a little blunt, but I'm just trying to reach out for advise and help considering this has been going on way too long! 

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whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Mar. 7, 2014 at 6:57 PM
4 moms liked this

I would move out. You can still date your boyfriend. But your kids should come first. They are not happy with the roommates you have subjected them to.

wise.toes
by Silver Member on Mar. 7, 2014 at 7:02 PM
2 moms liked this

your children are being mistreated by his children. 

you need to advocate on their behalf. if he isn't willing to help make changes in your home, you need to make a serious decision.

personally, i would break up with my SO if one of his children was constantly bullying my children (and he was doing nothing to correct the behaviour). and likewise, if my children bullied his children, i would expect he would end the relationship. 

in blended families, the kids need to come first. always.

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Mar. 7, 2014 at 7:03 PM
1 mom liked this

Without your boyfriend on board, there's not much you CAN do that won't start more arguments.  Does your boyfriend listen to his mother?  It doesn't sound like it if she's also noticed the behavior and she couldn't get him to change either.  Does the boy have trouble in school too with this attitude? 

Also, try redirecting your frustration at your boyfriend and not this little boy.  This boy is only behaving the way he's been taught to behave, the way his parents have taught him is acceptable.  You can't blame someone who's only known this way.  Well, you can, but that's not really fair to do and your anger and frustration is misplaced.

I agree with whatIknownow, I think it may be best to move out with your kids.  After 2 years of living together nothing has improved and your boyfriend has shown no signs that he wants to make an improvement, this isn't the place for your kids.  How horrible to know that your BM won't back you up, or if she does, her hands are tied to stop the abuse that's happening...  :(  And, you allow it to continue, for 2 years.    If you love your boyfriend, keep dating  him but move out until such a time he decided to actualy parent his youngest the way he seems to his older two, or until all of the children are grown and out of the house so there isn't any fighting going on.  Or, you could let your boyfriend know that you will no longer watch his kids  and he'll have to find alternate care for them when he's not there to directly supervise them. 

Rocker.Mom.07
by The Savior on Mar. 7, 2014 at 9:55 PM

If your SO isn't going to help change things with his son towards your son...then there is nothing you can do. He needs to step up and be a team with you. If my DH's daughter and my daughter's did not get along and he wouldn't work with me on making things better...I don't think we would have lasted or gotten married. I don't need to be with someone who won't be a team with me, make our home a happy one and it would drive me nuts having a step child like that lol
I actually agree with the PP saying that it might be a good idea to have your own homes and still date. It's not fair to your son to be put in that position if your SO isn't going to do anything. Your son shouldn't have to live in fear and/or stress from a step brother.
I hope your SO can step up and help, though...that would be the ideal thing! Good luck! :)

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