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Advice on how to be supportive and not over step my boundary

Posted by on Mar. 9, 2014 at 5:37 AM
  • 15 Replies
My SD turned 17 very recently. I love her very much. Our relationship has been rocky over the years. We recently have been working in communicating more effectively. She comes to our house every other weekend and sometimes during the week. She does not ask for much. When she does we typically try to give it to her( of course depends on the cost). My SD is very concerned about money which is a good thing and a bad thing. I think it is important for her to understand that you have to work for what you want and take care if your responsibilities. The bad thing is that she will very rarely tell you what she would like for her birthday or Christmas. BM has shared a great deal of financial information with SD. Do not get me wrong I understand to some degree why she does this but it is impacting my SD. Example is that SD will not always tell BM or My DH when she is not feeling well. SD says that she would rather see that money be spent on other things then going to the doctor. DH has explained to her that this is why we have medical insurance.(Sd is actually in my health insurance because it is cheaper and better coverage).

BM just recently quit her job which seems to be increasing SD worry over money.

SD is currently planning on going to the prom. Last night SD was talking about shopping for dresses. She said that she found a couple of dresses but does not know how she is going to get the money to buy one. DH asked her how much are these dresses. SD stated they were all under $100. He then told her that we would buy her dress. I am perfectly fine with this and do not have an issue. She then asked if I would go to the mall with her today to see what we could find. I enjoyed spending the time with her. We found several dresses. I told her to think about which one she really liked or we can continue to look if she is not in love with any if them. I reminded her that we would tell her if the dress was too much but to not stress over the money.

I also told her that I wanted to make sure that BM had a part in the dress decision(I do this on things like this in order for BM to not feel like I am trying to take things over or take away a special moment from her).

My question is How do we help SD not stress over money so much? We have seen how this is impacting her emotionally. I want to also not overstep any boundaries
by on Mar. 9, 2014 at 5:37 AM
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whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Mar. 9, 2014 at 7:46 AM

I don't know, maybe she's just frugal by nature.

My DD22 is this way. And whe was raised almost entirely by me and my DH. I can't blame anyone else... LOL. And I have no problem spending money.  But my DD22 has ALWAYS been frugal. Litterally she would spend 10 minutes deciding if she *really* needs that blouse that is on super-clearance at Kohl's for $7. Then decide it's too much money. Where does she get this???  No idea.

But, my DD22 is generous. She buys presents for everyone. So she's only frugal for herself, not for others. Is your SD this way too?

As for overstepping with the prom dress, I'd have DH send an email letting her know that you have offered to take her dress shopping, and ask if she has any objection. If not, you're free to go.

zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Mar. 9, 2014 at 10:26 AM
Not sure you can do anything for her except try to make her understand that it gives you pleasure to spend money on this dress because it will make her happy, because she deserves it because she gets good grades, etc
GypsyRayne
by Member on Mar. 9, 2014 at 10:30 AM

My dd is 25, she is frugal as well. I taught her this and I'm glad I did. Growing up, I took my kids to yard sales ans thrift shops, they weren't deprived lol, we shopped at the mall as well, but they learned to look for things they liked and wanted for a good price.

I still buy my dd things even though she is 25 if I find something she will like and need. For example, she loves converse shoes, we will be shopping and if she sees some she likes and I have the money I will offer to buy her some, if she says they are too expensive, I tell her it's fine, I have the money, if they are too expensive I will tell her that also.

I like american eagle jeans, this is what I often buy for both my dd and ds as gifts and such. DD will say often they are too expensive, but I say they aren't, they are good jeans, they fit well and they last.

Being frugal is a good thing, you just have to explain to your sd that while it's good she's frugal, it's also ok to splurge as in for a prom dress, it's a special occasion and buying the dress is something you want to do.

Tigress22304
by Platinum Member on Mar. 9, 2014 at 10:32 AM

believe it or not my sd12 is the same way-It's okay to spend money in certain situations...like drs are a necessity.....prom-you should go all out for prom and enjoy a night of feeling like a princess!!

Maybe she's afraid to feel greedy and ask for the dress because she thinks it's wrong to spend $100 on a prom dress (mine was $500 and it was a bridesmaid dress) but you can still look gorgeous without breaking the bank

wise.toes
by Silver Member on Mar. 9, 2014 at 11:26 AM
1 mom liked this

just a suggestion..

perhaps in the future you can give her a budget for an item she wants...that way she isn't looking at tags and foregoing a dress that she likes, b/c she thinks the cost may be too much? like "we can spend up to $300 on a dress, let's find one you REALLY like!" 

that way she is learning she can spend what she budgets on an item, without worry that there isn't money for anything else she needs.

i know (for me) i naturally tend to go for more cheap items simply b/c as an adult now, i am super cheap! lol

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 9, 2014 at 12:41 PM
2 moms liked this
I wish my kids would worry more about money and where it comes from. I have the opposite problem so I'm no help.
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Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Mar. 9, 2014 at 12:49 PM

I can appreciate that you don't want SD to be worried about money.  There is certainly a balance to be found.  I'm very frugal and don't like to spend money on clothes or going out.  I worry that the 20 bucks I might "frivolously" spend on a dinner might be the 20 bucks I need to put gas in the tank to get to work in two weeks.  I grew up in a home where it wasn't uncommon for the electricity to get shut off or there wasn't enough money for regular food.  Even when I had plenty of a cushion financially as a young adult, it was always at risk of being needed to bail out my mom or brothers or for some other emergency.  So I get the idea of being very frugal.

I don't think it's a BAD thing honestly.  I wish my own SDs had a little better understanding of money and how the world works.  But I get that you don't want her to worry.

If she asked you to go shopping, I think your DH should clear it with BM just to avoid creating more drama.  One thing you might do for SD though is establish a budget.  Talk to her about how you have X money available for her to shop with.  It's money that you guys have set aside for fun things.  The major bases are covered and you've got X that can be spent on something fun like prom.  That might help her understand how we can set aside money for our needs but also a little for our wants as our finances allow.

Reassure her that you wouldn't offer if it was a hardship. 


cdrainey3
by Cher on Mar. 9, 2014 at 1:05 PM
I like this idea a lot. Teach her to just have a budget. Money doesn't grow on trees, but how you spend it is key! Let her know that you guys set money aside specifically for when she is sick and for food and what not. Be more aware of her needs and if you notice something she needs maybe whisper in your dh's ear. Most teenagers are brats and expect the works to be laid at their feet. She sounds like a sweet girl, just help her be aware that when you budget your money you have it to spend on what you need.

Quoting wise.toes:

just a suggestion..

perhaps in the future you can give her a budget for an item she wants...that way she isn't looking at tags and foregoing a dress that she likes, b/c she thinks the cost may be too much? like "we can spend up to $300 on a dress, let's find one you REALLY like!" 

that way she is learning she can spend what she budgets on an item, without worry that there isn't money for anything else she needs.

i know (for me) i naturally tend to go for more cheap items simply b/c as an adult now, i am super cheap! lol

momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 9, 2014 at 1:39 PM
I agree. We live a very comfy life and I think that since we have not 'burdened' our children with financial struggles they believe that money grows on trees and THAT is my fault. I was a lucky teenager; my parents business took off right before high school and they spoiled me because they never had been able to do that before. Worst thing they could ever do. I'm trying to break the cycle but it's hard!!

Quoting cdrainey3: I like this idea a lot. Teach her to just have a budget. Money doesn't grow on trees, but how you spend it is key! Let her know that you guys set money aside specifically for when she is sick and for food and what not. Be more aware of her needs and if you notice something she needs maybe whisper in your dh's ear. Most teenagers are brats and expect the works to be laid at their feet. She sounds like a sweet girl, just help her be aware that when you budget your money you have it to spend on what you need.

Quoting wise.toes:

just a suggestion..

perhaps in the future you can give her a budget for an item she wants...that way she isn't looking at tags and foregoing a dress that she likes, b/c she thinks the cost may be too much? like "we can spend up to $300 on a dress, let's find one you REALLY like!" 

that way she is learning she can spend what she budgets on an item, without worry that there isn't money for anything else she needs.

i know (for me) i naturally tend to go for more cheap items simply b/c as an adult now, i am super cheap! lol

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
wise.toes
by Silver Member on Mar. 9, 2014 at 1:51 PM

my parents were divorced. my mom was a struggling single mom, and my dad was very well off. neither taught me anything about managing money -- from either spectrum. i'll be 29 this year and i've finally figured out how to be smart with money. lol

i def intend on teaching my children some serious money lessons, IMO finances & budgeting is one of the most important things one can teach their children. (next to the obvious morals and values! lol)

Quoting momof2ex1: I agree. We live a very comfy life and I think that since we have not 'burdened' our children with financial struggles they believe that money grows on trees and THAT is my fault. I was a lucky teenager; my parents business took off right before high school and they spoiled me because they never had been able to do that before. Worst thing they could ever do. I'm trying to break the cycle but it's hard!!
Quoting cdrainey3: I like this idea a lot. Teach her to just have a budget. Money doesn't grow on trees, but how you spend it is key! Let her know that you guys set money aside specifically for when she is sick and for food and what not. Be more aware of her needs and if you notice something she needs maybe whisper in your dh's ear. Most teenagers are brats and expect the works to be laid at their feet. She sounds like a sweet girl, just help her be aware that when you budget your money you have it to spend on what you need.
Quoting wise.toes:

just a suggestion..

perhaps in the future you can give her a budget for an item she wants...that way she isn't looking at tags and foregoing a dress that she likes, b/c she thinks the cost may be too much? like "we can spend up to $300 on a dress, let's find one you REALLY like!" 

that way she is learning she can spend what she budgets on an item, without worry that there isn't money for anything else she needs.

i know (for me) i naturally tend to go for more cheap items simply b/c as an adult now, i am super cheap! lol


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