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Poor SD...

Posted by on Mar. 10, 2014 at 1:46 AM
  • 10 Replies

Let me start by saying that SD and I are very close, SD and DH are very close. SD has had a lot of issues with BM forcing her to keep secrets. Well, SD's last visit BM yelled at her about not telling anyone (myself, DH, and even SD's counselor) about BM's personal business. We (myself, DH, and SD's counselor) explained to SD that any time she wants to talk about something she can, and that things that happen to or around SD are her personal business as well.

The issues with the last visit were about BM having this guy that SD doesn't like babysit SD. BM didn't want DH and I (or the counselor) to know that this guy is back in BM's life and around SD. SD has previously had issues with this guy (him getting violent towards BM in front of and around SD).

Tonight SD got home from a visit kinda upset. She asked us, "Why won't my mom answer my questions?" Both DH and I said that we can't answer that. SD said, "Every time I ask my mom a question she wants to know who I'm with and why I'm asking. Here, read the texts."

SD was asking if BM was working in our town or BM's mom's town and if SD needed to have a babysitter on Saturday. BM refused to answer the questions. BM kept asking her, "Who are you with?" and "Why are you asking that?" "Are you with your dad or grandma?" Once SD said she was with grandma (BM's mom) she answered SD's questions. BM was working in our area and SD was spending all day Saturday with her great grandparents.

Then SD started telling us how BM only spent a few hours on Saturday there and then left and when SD was trying to find her today to see what time they were leaving she didn't know where BM was. SD texted her asking where she was and BM said, "i'm sleeping." And SD asked, "WHERE?"

I don't know what to say or do. SD keeps coming to us with questions, but these are questions we cannot answer.

SD is 13, but developmentally anywhere from 3/4 up to 10/11 depending on the area (she has a disorder that causes developmental delays and a lot of medical issues). BM has EOWE, but isn't around during a majority of the visitation (BM lives with her mom).

by on Mar. 10, 2014 at 1:46 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ladybugchick317
by Charity on Mar. 10, 2014 at 11:49 AM

 I think if she is not spending time with her on the weekends that she has her maybe time for supervised visitation or just getting it taken away period.

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Mar. 10, 2014 at 12:35 PM

 Does SD not want to have her EOWE visits because of this?  Can BM just pick her up for a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday instead?

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Mar. 10, 2014 at 2:25 PM

I'm afraid you're already telling her all you can.  There is nothing wrong with 'I don't know', unfortunately.  My boys hear it often from me, though they ask questions less and less (they aren't delayed, they can see for themselves what/who the problem is).  :(  It sucks though, I know.  :(

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Mar. 10, 2014 at 6:14 PM

SD doesn't really want to go if she's just going to sit at her great grandparents' house. SD got in trouble for lying about having homework and the game apps where blocked on her phone for 3 days so she had literally nothing to do but read all day Saturday (BM was gone and BM's mom worked from 11am until 8pm). SD complains all the time about this stuff.

BM doesn't want DH or I to know that she's working in our town. I don't know why, only that SD has told us BM has told her NOT to tell us about it. BM doesn't want to give up "her time" with SD. Plus, it's SD's word (and in court OUR'S) versus BM about when BM is home.

Quoting OvrMyHead:

 Does SD not want to have her EOWE visits because of this?  Can BM just pick her up for a few hours on a Saturday or Sunday instead?


Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Mar. 10, 2014 at 6:16 PM

I agree, but how do you prove it? BM and BM's mom will lie and then it becomes the word of a special needs 13 year old versus her mom and grandma.

Quoting ladybugchick317:

 I think if she is not spending time with her on the weekends that she has her maybe time for supervised visitation or just getting it taken away period.


Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Mar. 10, 2014 at 6:17 PM
1 mom liked this

Sometimes I wonder if SD asks us so often because she's hoping that we'll try to make BM look good. Not quite lie, but stretch the truth a bit (we did when she was younger).

I just encourage SD to talk to her counselor about anything and everything that bothers her.

Quoting jules2boys:

I'm afraid you're already telling her all you can.  There is nothing wrong with 'I don't know', unfortunately.  My boys hear it often from me, though they ask questions less and less (they aren't delayed, they can see for themselves what/who the problem is).  :(  It sucks though, I know.  :(


ladybugchick317
by Charity on Mar. 10, 2014 at 10:43 PM

 I would talk to your atty and see if they have any ideas on how to go about proving something like that and stay within legal guidelines.

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

I agree, but how do you prove it? BM and BM's mom will lie and then it becomes the word of a special needs 13 year old versus her mom and grandma.

Quoting ladybugchick317:

 I think if she is not spending time with her on the weekends that she has her maybe time for supervised visitation or just getting it taken away period.

 

 

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Mar. 10, 2014 at 11:07 PM

DH has. He was told that it would be up to the judge to determine, and that it was probably only a 50/50 chance that we could get the judge to rule in our favor. In August SD had to get a new counselor as her other counselor moved out of state. SD's previous counselor wanted to write a declaraction for court, and the attorney felt that it would be helpful, but she kinda gave us last minute notice. SD has since been establishing a connection with this counselor. If she feels the same way as the last counselor there is a possibility that she'd be willing to write the declaration, but no one feels comfortable having her do that at this point as SD hasn't said much directly to her about what's going on.

Quoting ladybugchick317:

 I would talk to your atty and see if they have any ideas on how to go about proving something like that and stay within legal guidelines.

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

I agree, but how do you prove it? BM and BM's mom will lie and then it becomes the word of a special needs 13 year old versus her mom and grandma.

Quoting ladybugchick317:

 I think if she is not spending time with her on the weekends that she has her maybe time for supervised visitation or just getting it taken away period.


 


DDDaysh
by on Mar. 11, 2014 at 1:42 AM
Maybe not that you will lie, but that there will be some justifiable reason, that you will tell her something that will make her believe her mother values her.

Even adults do this. If they get bad news they will hope to wake up from a dream. Terminal cancer patients have been known to get fourth, fifth, or tenth opinions, often believing quack doctors that tell them spending their entire life savings going to a Mexican clinic and drinking Guava juice will save them. Just a few months ago there was a story of a mother who refused to believe there was no hope for her brain dead child.

She is seeking comfort by hoping the world will have changed. Eventually she will accept that her mother is who she is, but it is a very painful truth and might take quite a while with relapses any time there is a smidgen of hope.


Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

Sometimes I wonder if SD asks us so often because she's hoping that we'll try to make BM look good. Not quite lie, but stretch the truth a bit (we did when she was younger).

I just encourage SD to talk to her counselor about anything and everything that bothers her.

Quoting jules2boys:

I'm afraid you're already telling her all you can.  There is nothing wrong with 'I don't know', unfortunately.  My boys hear it often from me, though they ask questions less and less (they aren't delayed, they can see for themselves what/who the problem is).  :(  It sucks though, I know.  :(

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Mar. 11, 2014 at 2:29 AM
That makes sense.

I wish there was something we could do to help her. Something more than just being here for her.

Quoting DDDaysh: Maybe not that you will lie, but that there will be some justifiable reason, that you will tell her something that will make her believe her mother values her.

Even adults do this. If they get bad news they will hope to wake up from a dream. Terminal cancer patients have been known to get fourth, fifth, or tenth opinions, often believing quack doctors that tell them spending their entire life savings going to a Mexican clinic and drinking Guava juice will save them. Just a few months ago there was a story of a mother who refused to believe there was no hope for her brain dead child.

She is seeking comfort by hoping the world will have changed. Eventually she will accept that her mother is who she is, but it is a very painful truth and might take quite a while with relapses any time there is a smidgen of hope.


Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

Sometimes I wonder if SD asks us so often because she's hoping that we'll try to make BM look good. Not quite lie, but stretch the truth a bit (we did when she was younger).

I just encourage SD to talk to her counselor about anything and everything that bothers her.

Quoting jules2boys:

I'm afraid you're already telling her all you can.  There is nothing wrong with 'I don't know', unfortunately.  My boys hear it often from me, though they ask questions less and less (they aren't delayed, they can see for themselves what/who the problem is).  :(  It sucks though, I know.  :(

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