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Lunatic Birthmom - Please help me COPE

Posted by on Mar. 12, 2014 at 3:29 PM
  • 43 Replies

It's been 2 years of non-stop craziness. Here are some examples:

- She has driven THROUGH our yard. 

-She has shown up DRUNK to pick up her son - called the police - they didn't even breathalize her. 

-We have an order of protection that she has violated so many times a detective finally got on the case and threaten to press charges on her if she didn't stop the harrassing emails, texts, and phone calls to Dad. 

-We won 50/50 custody because she said this in court after the judge asked her where her son would be if she got a random day off during a weekday that she had him "He would be in daycare! I don't get money back if I don't use it!"

-She has admitted that she literally only feeds him sugary foods at her house because that is all he will eat. He is 3 and 1/2 now and tells us the only things he eats at her house are apples, yogurt, "pink" frosted donuts, candy - chocolate, and cookies. Great. 

-She told her son that I "make him sick" and he came over and asked why I "make him sick".

-She allows her mother -who she has admitted does drugs, drinks, and smokes cigarettes in the house- to watch him every weekend she has him. 

-She demands things every SINGLE exchange. She always "demands". It is literally never a "hey could you...or hey would you mind..." it is always a "you NEED to do this..." or "If you DON'T do this I will serve you PAPERS!" 

I tried to work on things with her the first year...but she is so crazy I had to block her from everything and serve her with an injunction againt harrassment because she would just send me 12-15 texts and emails in a row. 

Daddy and I have a 16 month old little girl who is the most precious gift we've ever been given. She is amazing in every way. 

My problem: How do I keep managing? I see Chris's stress come out every time he has to do an exchange with his son. She fails to understand this is not about HER it is about her SON. We could care less about her after everything she has put us through. I may file an actual restraining order.

If we want full custody of his son, do you think since we have documented all of this that we could possible win in the state of Arizona? 

Do I have ANY rights as a step parent?

How do I keep my sanity and not get so frustrated? Are there any good coping techniques? How do I hide my distain when little boy talks about his mom? I've just been ignoring him and changing the subject...what is the right thing to do?

Her threats are empty - we know this. It's just so defeating. I could use some help and hopefully someone else has some insight on this. 

by on Mar. 12, 2014 at 3:29 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Boobear110
by Audra on Mar. 12, 2014 at 3:34 PM
4 moms liked this

Ok first off take a deep breath. 

Second let your DH handles all things relating to his ex wife. Do not engage her in any way. Trust me the stress you are inviting into you life will not be there if you let the parents deal only with each other. 

Let your SS talk about his Mom. You don't have to engage in a conversation. Really? That sounds fun and oh wow are perfectly acceptable answers for a 3 yo. 

As to having right sorry kiddo, you don't. The realties of step life sometimes suck.

Dulcemama5
by Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 3:36 PM
1 mom liked this
Sorry yall have to deal with this just a warning Arizona is a total mom state best advice would be to document everthing and if possible video tape exchanges
FreedomTruth
by Bronze Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 3:40 PM
3 moms liked this

What do you have documented? The police didn't do a breathalyzer so you cannot prove she was drunk. How do you know she goes out every weekend without her son and leaves him with grandma? Do you have any proof that grandma is an alcoholic or drug addict? I would not deal with BM if I were you and just let your DH deal with her. In AZ you will have no rights as a step parent to the child. Let the little boy talk about his mom. You will be surprised about how much information you can get from a child. AZ is a 50/50 state. Unless you can definitively prove unfit you will not get full custody. Also realize if you get a restraining order, expect not to go to any events of SS. BM will have first dibs on going and with the RO you would not be able to be at the same place. Go talk to an attorney regarding this before you truly consider it.

FreedomTruth
by Bronze Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 3:44 PM
2 moms liked this

 Arizona is no longer a mom state. They now give straight 50/50 unless you can prove unfit or the other parent does not want the time. The law changed January 2012 and then they rotated the judges so that the law is applied.

Quoting Dulcemama5: Sorry yall have to deal with this just a warning Arizona is a total mom state best advice would be to document everthing and if possible video tape exchanges

 

whatIknownow
by on Mar. 12, 2014 at 3:50 PM
1 mom liked this

No, you have no rights, but why would you want any rights?

I would just ignore her as much as possible, stay away from her and just go about your life with your family.

Dulcemama5
by Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 3:57 PM
Thanks that is good to know just wish that they would have done it sooner so my hubs would have been able to have his girls more

Quoting FreedomTruth:

 Arizona is no longer a mom state. They now give straight 50/50 unless you can prove unfit or the other parent does not want the time. The law changed January 2012 and then they rotated the judges so that the law is applied.


Quoting Dulcemama5: Sorry yall have to deal with this just a warning Arizona is a total mom state best advice would be to document everthing and if possible video tape exchanges

 

HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 3:59 PM
3 moms liked this

 You can avoid her and avoid bringing stress to yourself that way, obviously.  you seem to be asking about how to reduce his stress dealing with her as well.  One thing would be to do the exchanges in a neutral placer or at the police station, rather than at one of your homes.  This provides witnesses and, theorhetically, people are less likely to make a scene in public.  If she is not one of those people, again, there are witnesses.  Also, whenever possible, deal with things in writing and do not engage in back and forth nonsense. She can demand whatever she wants, she can threaten whatever she want - it doesn't mean anyone has to give it to her, so why be upset?? Crazy people feed off of the passion they cause in others.  If no one gets upset, they have nothing to 'eat', starve, and go away.

soonergirl980
by Platinum Member on Mar. 12, 2014 at 4:11 PM
2 moms liked this

You are WAAAAYYYY to emeshed in the situation and giving mom way to much space in your head. She cannot contact you. You need to give yourself an injunction on the time you allow her into your life. You have no rights and frankly the things you "know" about her almost make you seem stalkerish.  Drop the rope let you dh deal with her and focus on your child.

owl0210
by on Mar. 12, 2014 at 4:21 PM
I would let your husband deal with it. What's wrong with sending your kids to daycare when you have a day off? I do it all the time since I work full time and it's much easier getting things done when I'm alone.
packermom4ever
by on Mar. 12, 2014 at 4:31 PM
1 mom liked this

Why do you want rights to another person's child? They aren't needed. 

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