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DH is not as close to me when we have ss!

Posted by on Mar. 14, 2014 at 12:15 AM
  • 69 Replies
My dh is different to me when we have his son. I don't think he even realizes it himself.

Even when we are in bed. The weeks we do not have ss, he cuddles me til we fall asleep. The weeks we have ss, he turns the other way, a distance away and falls asleep. Not at all close to when we don't have ss.

He's changing. So tired of this roller coaster of step life, split family drama.

I don't get it. See it more and more..
by on Mar. 14, 2014 at 12:15 AM
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sunnyside-up
by Bronze Member on Mar. 14, 2014 at 12:30 AM
1 mom liked this
Sometimes, this is so hard. Sometimes, this feels like the furthest thing from a marriage. Sometimes, I can't take it anymore.

Why can't I just have a normal marriage, like others,? A husband, no ex, our own kids and growing old together? His side, my side....not his side, my side and her side? No stress on holidays, only the usual, what to get the kids? Not, who will have them, who picks up...

Growing old and only worrying about eachother, not if I go, ex will see my dh...

I ve hit a boiling point. Just want what others have....don't know how I didn't ser all this pain early on. I guess love is truly blind.
KWIM
by Bronze Member on Mar. 14, 2014 at 1:10 AM
1 mom liked this
Sometimes the simplest answer is the hardest to initiate.

If that is what you want, go and get it. Yes, it means the end of this relationship, but if you aren't happy what is the point in staying? You will only become more miserable and it will bleed into the lives of your DH and SK.

As much as you deserve to be happy, they deserve someone that will be happy with them.

Quoting sunnyside-up: Sometimes, this is so hard. Sometimes, this feels like the furthest thing from a marriage. Sometimes, I can't take it anymore.

Why can't I just have a normal marriage, like others,? A husband, no ex, our own kids and growing old together? His side, my side....not his side, my side and her side? No stress on holidays, only the usual, what to get the kids? Not, who will have them, who picks up...

Growing old and only worrying about eachother, not if I go, ex will see my dh...

I ve hit a boiling point. Just want what others have....don't know how I didn't ser all this pain early on. I guess love is truly blind.
Rachael-Dawn
by Bronze Member on Mar. 14, 2014 at 1:12 AM
1 mom liked this
Talk to him or try marriage counseling.
I'm sorry momma. =(
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 14, 2014 at 1:19 AM
I realize you are venting and that's ok - I have a perspective for you that may help.

I am not an affectionate person. I wasn't raised to be affectionate, yet I married the most affectionate person. Odd.
He has changed me in so many good ways. But affection is still hard.

When my daughter is home, I'm less affectionate. We do not have sex when she is here. I'm uncomfortable with it. I'm not sure if it's because I was single for so long and went years sharing a bed with her and not having sex with anyone while she was home or what. But it's just something I'm unable to get over. I also feel weird showing affection in front of my kids. Of course at the end of the day we all adjourn home and give the hugs and kisses etc but there is really no cuddling between dh and I. We cuddle with the kids a lot but we don't cuddle much during wake hours. I'm not sure if your husband feels the same or not.

Another thought, he could be tired when his son is there. Not sure what the schedule is but maybe he's just not used to the activity of parenting - by that I mean, schedule, routine, bathtime, bed time. Maybe he's exhausted by the time he crawls in to bed after doing things he doesn't do on a normal basis. I'm not sure. Just a thought.

How old is his son? Now that my daughter is older, I'm just very careful. I'm more modest. We close our door to get dressed where when she was little, I didn't think much of it. Because she is of an age where she knows about sex, etc I'm careful not to giggle in bed with dh. She can hear us. I don't want her thinking omg they are doing it in the next room. I'm a little paranoid, probably more than is healthy, but is this possibly what your dh is dealing with?

As a mom, married to a man who did not bring children to the table, while I don't feel offended by your vent, I'm wondering how it would make your dh feel? This would upset me if my husband said any of this. He knew what he was marrying when he married me. He knew I had children. He knew my past was going to follow me because of my children and my ex. He knew that we would never be a nuclear family because that isn't what I had to offer going in to this. This was not something he could ever wish for or want or hope for because it wasn't part of the deal. I do think it's ok to vent though and ok to feel that way - just sharing how it would make me feel. Heck I've even said myself sometimes I wished I didn't have the 'baggage' that I carry. My ex can be exhausting and sometimes I just want to run away. This IS my life though and no where to run. Even a tattoo is easier to get rid of than an ex with children.

Quoting sunnyside-up: Sometimes, this is so hard. Sometimes, this feels like the furthest thing from a marriage. Sometimes, I can't take it anymore.

Why can't I just have a normal marriage, like others,? A husband, no ex, our own kids and growing old together? His side, my side....not his side, my side and her side? No stress on holidays, only the usual, what to get the kids? Not, who will have them, who picks up...

Growing old and only worrying about eachother, not if I go, ex will see my dh...

I ve hit a boiling point. Just want what others have....don't know how I didn't ser all this pain early on. I guess love is truly blind.
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momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Mar. 14, 2014 at 1:22 AM
1 mom liked this
What did you mean by 'if I go, ex will see my dh'

Quoting sunnyside-up: Sometimes, this is so hard. Sometimes, this feels like the furthest thing from a marriage. Sometimes, I can't take it anymore.

Why can't I just have a normal marriage, like others,? A husband, no ex, our own kids and growing old together? His side, my side....not his side, my side and her side? No stress on holidays, only the usual, what to get the kids? Not, who will have them, who picks up...

Growing old and only worrying about eachother, not if I go, ex will see my dh...

I ve hit a boiling point. Just want what others have....don't know how I didn't ser all this pain early on. I guess love is truly blind.
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cdrainey3
by Cher on Mar. 14, 2014 at 1:37 AM
1 mom liked this
It's definitely hard. I've thought a lot before why couldn't I of met my dh before he met his stupid ex. It's normal to feel what you are feeling. Have you ever heard "bless the broken road" it's a country song? You should listen to it. It really gave me a different perspective on mine and my dh's relationship. Really consider whether you can do it or not. Hold off on having children until you're sure, you don't want to put your children through a divorce. (If you don't already have them) my best advice is just take the pressure off of yourself. Let your dh deal with it all. Worry about your home and your relationship. Love his children and be kind, but don't get in the way or expect too much out of yourself when it comes to his kids and his ex. Heck if its getting to you this bad ask him to not even talk to you about it unless its absolutely necessary. Good luck.
leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Mar. 14, 2014 at 4:36 AM
4 moms liked this
First of all, even non-step situations have challenges, the divorce rate is geneally high for all couples. I think you should talk to your husband about how you feel and how you think he is behaving. It is possible that you are the one with the challenges and behaving differently when your stepchild is in your home.
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HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Mar. 14, 2014 at 6:30 AM
1 mom liked this
When my ex had his daughter (he was long distance), he was a stressed out the most of the visit. He wasn't used to parenting as a 24/7 thing and it disrupted his routine. Beyond that, it brought back horrible memories of the divorce and the insanity he went through with it. He also did not know with each thing he did with SD if she was going to report it back to BM in some convoluted way that he would hear through court papers.

He may be completely unaware he is doing this. Your best bet is to casually mention it without accusation, but let him know it does affect you.
tiafez
by Silver Member on Mar. 14, 2014 at 8:07 AM
1 mom liked this

when in doubt, talk. if after discussing it with him you are still unhappy then you have to decide what's best for you.


here's a skeery mental pic for you: when we didn't have his son ,we slept nakeee but when we did we slept in sweats. My thinking was that his son might wake up and need him and wander into our room or that we might hear something and get up to investigate without realizing we had nada on. When his son was with us we weren't as publically affectionate (we're hand holders and couch snugglers), not because he was ashamed of me but because we didn't want to make his son uncomfy. If it bothers you this much talk to him but keep in mind that it may be because he doesn't want his child uncomfy and it has nothing to do with your relationship.

elrikandisis
by on Mar. 14, 2014 at 8:21 AM
1 mom liked this

 When we first got together there was some drama with his ex. Now, there is barely any communication. They have it pre-arranged who will pick up at what time and who will drop off at what time. The only time they communicate is if there is a major problem, someone will be late, and if there needs to be an exemption. Never anything more. I enjoy the calmness. It also helps that both have moved on with someone else.

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