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When is appropriate to have the "I love you and I'm not going anywhere" talk?

Posted by on Mar. 14, 2014 at 1:29 PM
  • 24 Replies

My husband has a 6 and 9 year old (both girls). 9 year old is great, 6 year old the other day kicked me because she wanted me to go play with her while I was making dinner. I told her in a firm voice that kicking me was 'rude and do not kick me again'. I did this only after she had punched me in the butt about 20 times, which I didn't mind but the kick was very agressive and almost knocked me over.

After that she was upset and it obviously hurt her feelings. She drew a picture on her white board that said Before: a pic of herself, dad and her sister and After: just me and her dad. Dad and I felt really bad and dad told her immediately that her picture was incorrect and that he's not going anywhere.

I feel that perhaps I should have some sort of talk with her also. I want her to know that I love her dad (she hears us say i love you back and forth all the time) and being part of her family. I want her to feel secure in our relationship and family atmosphere.

The relationship with me and the 6 year old has fluctuated between "i love you" and "i like you a lot" and she even kisses me on the cheek and I return the kisses. She always wants my attention and for me to play with her so I try to watch movies, color with her and involve her in my cooking at times.

What kind of talk should we have, if any at all?

by on Mar. 14, 2014 at 1:29 PM
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Replies (1-10):
malinda74
by Bronze Member on Mar. 14, 2014 at 1:36 PM
5 moms liked this
I would never have an " I love you and I'm not going anywhere" talk with my step kid. Reality is...you could go somewhere. What is visitation schedule like?
SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Mar. 14, 2014 at 1:37 PM
1 mom liked this

I wouldn't worry about it. I would have probably asked her about the picture, before making assumptions to what she meant by the drawing. I would wonder why you scolding her would have anything to do with her dad leaving, ya know.

soonergirl980
by Gold Member on Mar. 14, 2014 at 1:38 PM
2 moms liked this

I don't think it's appropriate for a step parent to ever say "I am not going anywhere" because it is a promise you can not always keep. A talk like this is useless anyway a relationship isn't built by saying it's built buy doing and time. Also that picture tells me it's less about you and more about dad. How much time does dad give the girls without you?

***Briterican***


jules2boys
by Gold Member on Mar. 14, 2014 at 1:45 PM
1 mom liked this

I'd have a talk about the violence, the violent reaction to not getting her way, more than the 'I love you and I'm not going anywhere' issue.  You may love her now, you may think you're not going anywhere now, but you don't KNOW you aren't going anywhere in her future and you may not like her (or love her) very much as she hits puberty and you grow 'tired' of her acting out like this.  Her punching you 20 times in the butt was 19 too many. I'd have stopped it at ONE!  This is the reaction for a 2 or 3 year old who doesn't have the verbal ability to get your attention or express that she's unhappy.  This is NOT appropriate for a 6yo.  I'd focus, with BF with me, on her actions or reaction to you (punching and kicking) and how inappropriate they are for her (or anyone).  If she's being attacked, by all means, punch and kick to get away.  But, if she's not getting her way?  That is UNACCEPTABLE. 

As Malinda said, you could go somewhere, so I wouldn't say to her that you aren't going anywhere.  Her BF will always be her BF, but you are and always will be free to leave at any given time.  You may not think you will now but you can't say that for sure.  How long have you been married/in the girls lives? 

stepmomtiffany
by Member on Mar. 14, 2014 at 1:46 PM

We have a 50/50 custody with the kids. It's always been that way since the divorce almost 5 years ago. I thinnk you may be correct that it's more about dad than about me. Dad doesn't spend a lot of alone time with the girls without me. He asked the 6 year old to go to the swimming pool with just him and she said she wanted me to go to. So we figured she didn't need extra alone time with dad. But maybe she just didn't want to exclude me. Maybe they do need more alone time with dad.....

kristinbugg
by on Mar. 14, 2014 at 1:48 PM
"We" don't have custody. Dad does.

You should never tell a step child you aren't going anywhere. You very well may.

Quoting stepmomtiffany:

We have a 50/50 custody with the kids. It's always been that way since the divorce almost 5 years ago. I thinnk you may be correct that it's more about dad than about me. Dad doesn't spend a lot of alone time with the girls without me. He asked the 6 year old to go to the swimming pool with just him and she said she wanted me to go to. So we figured she didn't need extra alone time with dad. But maybe she just didn't want to exclude me. Maybe they do need more alone time with dad.....

LyndaLoo78
by Skeletor on Mar. 14, 2014 at 1:49 PM


Quoting malinda74: I would never have an " I love you and I'm not going anywhere" talk with my step kid. Reality is...you could go somewhere. What is visitation schedule like?

This.  I would also discourage my SO, as I am CPBM from having this type of conversation with my children.  It is really inappropriate.

stepmomtiffany
by Member on Mar. 14, 2014 at 1:50 PM

@jules : Dad and I have currently been together for 6 months. We have a long history and have known each other for 18 years... and the kids know and have seen pictures of us as teenagers together. We've known each others families for even longer.

stepmomtiffany
by Member on Mar. 14, 2014 at 2:12 PM

I can't thank you all enough for the helpful info! Your perspective has really made me think of this situation differently. I agree that this is much more about her feelings about dad, not me. She probably has unresolved hurt and concerns from the divorce when she was barely 2 years old. I'm going to talk to dad and have him spend some alone time with the girls and talk more about how HE'S NOT GOING ANYWHERE. He will always be there for them and will always love them. Thank you!!!

Boobear110
by Audra on Mar. 14, 2014 at 2:53 PM

If you hit the quote button we will know who you are speaking to.

the punching you in the butt needs to be addressed. It needs to stop immediately. 

My SD would slap my butt all the time. ( she would see her dad do it) drove me crazy ( from both of them) but what shocked me was when I was at her dress rehearsal for dance and her BM and BoyF walked in and she walks right up to him wack! Right on the butt.

I explained to her that it's not ok to go around hitting people on the butt. It needed to stop immediately (had to have the same talk with SO) it took a few reminders but she no longer does it. To my SD it was a affectionate thing to yours it anger. 

It needs to addressed by both you and SO . SD needs to know that is not acceptable behavior

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