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New Baby and Far Away Stepchild

Posted by on Mar. 15, 2014 at 11:49 AM
  • 576 Replies

Hi Everyone, I am new to this site, but I am excited to be able to get some advice and perspectives on a couple of topics. My fiance and I are expecting our first child together in August, which is very exciting, however, he also has an additional 7 year old girl who lives with her mother in Texas, we are currently in Utah.

He, sadly, usually only sees her 2-3 times a year due to the nature of his job, and this year he is wanting to do some pretty extravagant trip with her that will most likely cost us in the thousands of dollars to execute.  I am sure this is a desire of his because with the new baby coming there is going to be a lack of money resources to do this kind of trip.  We live on his salary alone, which still leaves us very comfortable money wise, but i just don't think that the timing is right, money wise, to take a trip of this costly magnitude.

I have offered suggestions for different ideas that would still give him time with her before the baby and save a little dough, but he seems to think that since he made a promise to her a year ago to take her to a certain entertainment spot that NOW is the time to follow through.  

I guess, bottom line, the reason this whole thing bothers me is because, one he doesn't really seem to put any thought into how much the trip is going to cost and doesn't really want to find out before executing it, and, two, because he only sees her 2-3 times a year he tends to make their visits a BIG deal with lots of gifts and extravagant activities.  That, on top of her upbringing with her mother, is turning her from the sweet little girl I once knew into a spoiled little brat that is becoming more and more difficult for me to be around.

He also has the idea that at Christmas we are going to turn around and spend the money to fly her to us to be able to spend time with my family and the new baby.  She has never flown before so he is most likely going to want to be with her on the flights for the first time.  Now costing double in travel fairs...another grand or more gone.

Whenever this conversation gets brought up it just turns into an argument and I am sick of fighting about it.  Finally I just told him to do what ever he feels is right and that I am sure he will work it out, but I find myself still annoyed and perturbed.  Has anyone else experienced something like this, and what did you do?  Thanks for reading I look forward to the answers.

by on Mar. 15, 2014 at 11:49 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Mar. 15, 2014 at 12:07 PM
4 moms liked this

Don't block him from seeing his daughter. 

wise.toes
by Silver Member on Mar. 15, 2014 at 12:08 PM

if he can comfortably afford it, he should do it.

AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Mar. 15, 2014 at 12:12 PM
3 moms liked this

This.

If he has the money to do it, let him plan the vacation, encourage him to fly her out for Christmas.  He already has a severly limited time with his child.  What's the harm if the money is there?

Quoting wise.toes:

if he can comfortably afford it, he should do it.


FirstBabyAJ814
by on Mar. 15, 2014 at 12:13 PM

Thanks for the relplies.

There is no way I would ever block him from seeing his daughter!  Please read the entire post Polkadot before responding, that was never my intent.  If you actually read the entire post you would see that, but thank you for you opinion.

And...maybe my post just wasn't clear.  I am not discouraging a visit in anyway, I just feel that seeing how much the vacation he wants to take with her is going to cost will be beneficial in budgeting.  Yes, we are comfortable, but that does not mean we have endless expendable cash.  

I think that he should still end up taking the vacation that he wants with her, but possibly at a different time when the monthly expenses have leveled out with the new child and we have more of an idea of how much that really costs.

However, that does not mean that he should not see her at all....that is not what I am saying, I just think there are cheaper and just as fun alternatives that would allow for a more comfortable trip, financially, over the Christmas break.  Maybe I'm not making any sense, but that is what I am trying to get across....again...NEVER actually preventing him from having one of the few times to see his daughter.  I hope that is more clear.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Mar. 15, 2014 at 12:13 PM
5 moms liked this

If money is an issue, why can't you work to put some money towards your needs and your baby's needs so that your husband can better afford to see his other child?

Rocker.Mom.07
by The Savior on Mar. 15, 2014 at 12:18 PM
1 mom liked this

It's tough...but I am one to let my DH go through with things if he feels we'll be fine. I tell him my points of view and suggestions and he considers them, sometimes changes his mind or goes a different way about things...but I won't hinder him from making decisions as long as he keeps our family's best interest in mind.
If your DH knows that you will be ok in the long run...that spending a bit of money on his DD he doesn't see often...then I would put a few money saving suggestions out there to him, then just let him do what he is going to do.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Mar. 15, 2014 at 12:23 PM
9 moms liked this

I doubt her father's 2/3 times a year visits are turning his daughter into a spoiled brat.

Let him take the trip. First of all, it's his money. You arent even his wife, and you're living off him. Second, he's separated from his child so he has to fit a whole years worth of parenting into 2/3 visits. 

If you don't like this kid, stay home.

cdrainey3
by Cher on Mar. 15, 2014 at 12:24 PM

If it's not going to hurt your family, then he should be able to do it. I can understand you're worried especially with a new baby on the way. Cut from other exspenses though, don't cut from him seeing his daughter.

cdrainey3
by Cher on Mar. 15, 2014 at 12:26 PM
3 moms liked this

 People can have a committed family without being married. So if she has a piece of paper saying she's the wife then that will make it so she's not living off him?

Quoting whatIknownow:

I doubt her father's 2/3 times a year visits are turning his daughter into a spoiled brat.

Let him take the trip. First of all, it's his money. You arent even his wife, and you're living off him. Second, he's separated from his child so he has to fit a whole years worth of parenting into 2/3 visits. 

If you don't like this kid, stay home.

 

FirstBabyAJ814
by on Mar. 15, 2014 at 12:34 PM
1 mom liked this

Thank you cdrainey3.  No we are not married, but we are soon to be, and he has already chosen to start a family with me as well.  That doesn't mean that that should take away time from him seeing his daughter.

I really appreciate Rocker Mom's insight.  Thank you for that, that is basically the direction that I was heading, and I appreciate the constructive advice.  For everyone else, I appreciate your comments, but I really feel that y'all actually need to read the full post before forming a response.  It is evident in your responses that you are not reading the post fully.  I am not here to get bashed or criticized I just wanted some constructive feed back about the situation in general.

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