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Posted by on Mar. 16, 2014 at 1:51 AM
  • 35 Replies
So my sd really wanted to cut her hair. The last time she had it cut was when I took her 2 years ago. I asked dh to discuss this with bm before I agreed to take her. (I was getting a hair cut myself)
Dh did ask and bm didn't have any issue. However, when I asked him to ask bm he replied with "she's my daughter too, she's old enough to make her own choices about her hair".

So as a bm would you be upset if dad just didn't even ask you about the haircut even though sd wanted it herself?
Sd is 9. Dad had every weekend and split holidays.
by on Mar. 16, 2014 at 1:51 AM
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by Ruby Member on Mar. 16, 2014 at 2:10 AM
It depends.

I have been upset in the past. I've also had a bad personal experience. BUT my dd is now almost 13, and she makes her own hair choices. At 9, I wanted to make sure it was manageable and wouldn't require ME helping her to fix it every day. Certain cuts would not work on my daughter because the texture of her hair. She has very straight and fine hair so a Bob looks like a hack job. That would upset me. A trim? I don't care. I do care when it gets trimmed and then I have to get it fixed because it's not straight. That just simply annoys me. Especially when I don't notice until 9pm on Sunday night that it looks like shit.

When it comes to my son; I don't even know about hair cuts until he comes home. My husband usually just takes him on his way home on whatever random day after work when he feels it's time to cut it. That's my husbands deal. And I'm cool with it. We agree on what kind of cut he will have so it's not something that I don't like.

I think it's definitely different with a girl.

In my opinion.
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by on Mar. 16, 2014 at 2:11 AM

If it's a drastic change, yes, I would be upset. But a trim or anything, go for it.

by on Mar. 16, 2014 at 7:34 AM

It wouldn't bother me as long as he didn't drastically change the style. A trim would be fine.

If it bothered me I would tell my DD to call me first next time.

by Bronze Member on Mar. 16, 2014 at 7:39 AM
I guess it would depend. I have full legal custody so any major decisions are mine. I would want a heads up. But I don't think it would be an issue. Our girls hardly ever get their hair cut because they grow it out for locks of love. A trim would be the only thing they would need over the course of 2 years. And they are 13 & 14 so it would be their say really. My boys however... he can trim them up whenever he wants!
by Bronze Member on Mar. 16, 2014 at 8:12 AM
I was a hairstylist for several years. I think my son was about 14 the first time he got a haircut that wasn't from me. He called to tell me after he went. It was his stepmom who encouraged going to someone other than me. As a hairstylist - I never cared if a client went some place else. And I've seen mothers go insane over kids cutting their own hair or Dad taking them without consulting her.
I've always had a "I promise, it will grow back" attitude & thought it was funny when moms got all bent over hair.
When my son called-it was the first time in my life where I felt a teeny tiny pain in my chest. I think that had more to do with his growing up and wanting to break free from this aspect of me as his "barber" it took about 10 seconds before I thought "ah, another level of freedom for ME!" LOL!!!!

He felt he betrayed me somehow. He was so sweet to call. It felt like he needed my "okay" so I have him the okay with "can't wait to see it"

Now my SD (and I often wonder if its different for moms of girls) BM would request me doing it.
But then it got real weird. A free haircut was viewed by me as - me doing BM a favor. BM viewed this and treated this as if she was doing me a favor by "allowing me" to do it. She started to have an issue every time. "You didn't take enough off" or "you took too much off"
It just became another area to let me know its never just right. And my SD was then worried through each haircut because mom never likes it. This was a kid who received trims. Nothing major. So I requested that she take her for haircuts as I felt this was becoming an unnecessary negative triangle. BM was very unhappy about that too. She was angry at my decision that having my SD view her mother and stepmother as having friction over haircuts was not something I was willing to be a part of. Then she said I wasn't willing to "work with her" and I said "you're right. I'm not. It's not worth it to me to spend a bunch of my time creating a whole problem between houses when the solution is so simple. Someone else can trim her hair."

My husband had your husbands attitude "I'm her father, I can make that decision"
And I disagree. If you know someone's mother is attached to their child's hair, you always ask.
There is no need to create just another reason to resent.
by Audra on Mar. 16, 2014 at 9:57 AM

I'm a stylist so I have alway cut SD hair. BM has always brought her to her hair stylist right after I have cut it to have it "fixed". SD hair is fine  and thin so when it gets to long it looks stringy and just plan yucky. Last time I cut her hair SD wanted bangs like me. So I did it. She always loves her hair after a cut and her Mom makes her feel bad after a cut. It's silly .

SO finally told BM to not take her to her hair stylist and to tell SD she likes her hair because she hurts SD feelings. BM deny's doing either thing. 

If she hates me cutting her hair so much then she can bring her and pay for it. 

Maybe I'll start charging her? :0) 

by on Mar. 16, 2014 at 10:02 AM

Wish I had your luck... SDs hair was ruined by the constant lice she's had for over 6 months. BM just cut it herself. Didn't turn out bad but a bit choppy. Still has plenty of eggs tho. If money is an issue I would have been Happy  for professional treatment and a decent cut wth my stylist but meh if she doesn't give a shit about her kids hair not much I can do. As usual "she has it under control"  SD says she doesn't want to cut her hair anymore so meh

by on Mar. 16, 2014 at 10:08 AM

my dd's stepmom trimmed her bangs one time.

except, dd's bangs were supposed to be sideswept...PLUS she butchered them. i was livid. probably wouldn't have been so upset if she did a good job, but i was angry nonetheless.

so yes, as a BM i would be furious if stepmom cut my daughter's hair without first consulting me.

that said, i have been the only one to take them for haircuts since birth and they visit my sister who is a hairdresser so in my situation it was even more frustrating for her to cut her bangs b/c it was completely unnecessary.

by on Mar. 16, 2014 at 11:58 AM

At 9? Yes, a little.

As they get older, when they are taking care of it by themselves all the time? Nope. 

My daughter is almost 13 and gets to decide because she is in charge of it now. But when she was 9 and I was still dealing with fixing it (and it is thick and was long and hard to deal with because she was fighting me at the time because she has a tender head I'd have expected someone to talk to me so that I wouldn't be surprised when she walked through the front door)

by Platinum Member on Mar. 16, 2014 at 12:14 PM
In my situation I would be highly pissed if SM took DD to get anything done to her hair. DD has to be able to do her hair in a couple of different updos for cheer. I make sure DD hair is done when it needs to be done. There is nothing like having an 8:00am stage time and fighting hair into the requested updo and the do not working with the way the kids hair is cut.

Obviously if the kid hasn't had her hair done in two years she probably needs it. Why has neither parent done this?
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