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How do you deal with a Biological Mother who lies to your Step-Children about you?

Posted by on Mar. 20, 2014 at 11:19 AM
  • 61 Replies
2 moms liked this

My SO and I didn't even know each other until after he divorced his ex-wife, but since him and I got together 3 years ago, she has been telling their kids that their dad was cheating on her with me, and that I'm the reason that they got divorced. She has told the kids that they aren't allowed to like me, and that "everybody hates me." She tells them that their dad cares more about me than he does them. (Usually after he's refused to give HER what she wants...) Unfortunantly, that's only the begining... My SO has stood up for me when necessary, but it only made her do it more, so we've resorted to ignoring all of her comments, and dealing with the kids' confusion and comments as they come, and I think that they're finally realizing who means well, and who doesn't... When we had them last week, they told me "You're the best mommy ever!" However, this morning, my SO's ex texted him wanting money, saying "I know your little GF doesn't work, and the load is on you, but..." 1) I do work. 2) I stayed home with the kids over Spring Break, and that's where she got that idea from. For some reason, her comment pushed me over the edge. I don't want to put my SO in the middle of anything, but I'm getting so sick of biting my tongue. I know that confronting her isn't going to change ANYTHING, but I really want to kindly give her a piece of my mind! Has anybody else dealt with this? How should I deal with this?

by on Mar. 20, 2014 at 11:19 AM
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Replies (1-10):
pepper504
by Gold Member on Mar. 20, 2014 at 11:31 AM
5 moms liked this

Been there, done that, bought the damn t-shirt. 

The kids are seeing how things are and remember, actions speak louder than words.  SS15 figured it out.  We didn't talk about his mother when SS was with us.  SS was 5 when his father and I got together.  BM did all that you stated and I continued to be myself.  You could tell that he wanted to like me, but his loyalty to his mother was more important.  Eventually, he saw the light and things have been great. 

Just ignore BM.  It's best for all that are involved because what she truly thinks does not matter.  Always take the higher road.  The kids will see that.  It's hard as hell, but someone has to put the kids feelings first when a BP doesnt.

snickerdoodle86
by Member on Mar. 20, 2014 at 11:35 AM
1 mom liked this
DH and i have been friends for over 7 years we started dating july of 2012 and were married dec of 2013. I delt with this almost daily when DH and I first started dating. BM has looked at SS and told him that his dad loves me more right in front of DH. She did it before we dated with his last GF. She has sent me hateful texts and gone above and beyond to try and make things difficult. I know in my situation my DH and I talk A LOT and he listens to me when I am beyond frustrated with her and I do the same with him. I am able to get my frustrations out with him knowing that it drives her more crazy to see me happy and unbothered by her comments. The past couple months since she is now dating someone things have calmed down a whole lot because she is too busy to argue with DH or come after me. SS has told DH and I that he knows we love him and that he likes coming over to our house.
All I can say is if you can't talk to your DH about it then find a friend to "bitch" to so that you can get it off your chest, and everytime you see BM just smile (as hard as it is at times). Showing her your frustrated just lets her know she has gotten under your skin and that she can continue to year you down.

Quoting lmundy00:

My SO and I didn't even know each other until after he divorced his ex-wife, but since him and I got together 3 years ago, she has been telling their kids that their dad was cheating on her with me, and that I'm the reason that they got divorced. She has told the kids that they aren't allowed to like me, and that "everybody hates me." She tells them that their dad cares more about me than he does them. (Usually after he's refused to give HER what she wants...) Unfortunantly, that's only the begining... My SO has stood up for me when necessary, but it only made her do it more, so we've resorted to ignoring all of her comments, and dealing with the kids' confusion and comments as they come, and I think that they're finally realizing who means well, and who doesn't... When we had them last week, they told me "You're the best mommy ever!" However, this morning, my SO's ex texted him wanting money, saying "I know your little GF doesn't work, and the load is on you, but..." 1) I do work. 2) I stayed home with the kids over Spring Break, and that's where she got that idea from. For some reason, her comment pushed me over the edge. I don't want to put my SO in the middle of anything, but I'm getting so sick of biting my tongue. I know that confronting her isn't going to change ANYTHING, but I really want to kindly give her a piece of my mind! Has anybody else dealt with this? How should I deal with this?

WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Mar. 20, 2014 at 11:36 AM
3 moms liked this

How old are the kids?

BM still does it on a daily basis.  The only thing you can do is talk to them about their concerns. Ignore her.  They will see the truth.

lmundy00
by Member on Mar. 20, 2014 at 11:42 AM
1 mom liked this

"...but someone has to put the the kids feelings first when a BP doesn't." Exactly! That's the part that REALLY bothers me! Yes, she frustrates the HELL out of me, and makes my blood boil, but when she talks the way she does, the only people that she's really hurting are the kids! Then she says that I don't treat them right... The nerve...

Quoting pepper504:

Been there, done that, bought the damn t-shirt. 

The kids are seeing how things are and remember, actions speak louder than words.  SS15 figured it out.  We didn't talk about his mother when SS was with us.  SS was 5 when his father and I got together.  BM did all that you stated and I continued to be myself.  You could tell that he wanted to like me, but his loyalty to his mother was more important.  Eventually, he saw the light and things have been great. 

Just ignore BM.  It's best for all that are involved because what she truly thinks does not matter.  Always take the higher road.  The kids will see that.  It's hard as hell, but someone has to put the kids feelings first when a BP doesnt.


lmundy00
by Member on Mar. 20, 2014 at 11:43 AM

They are 11, 9, 8, and almost 6...

Quoting WifeyC:

How old are the kids?

BM still does it on a daily basis.  The only thing you can do is talk to them about their concerns. Ignore her.  They will see the truth.


BewitchedKisses
by on Mar. 20, 2014 at 11:45 AM

Well, I disengaged. I don't have anything to do with my stepchildren at all. 

It's actually helped. It gives the kids nothing to worry about because they don't have to go back home and lie about me to make their mom happy, and it gives their mom nothing to lie about. They don't even have to say my name. I don't speak to the kids, I'm not around when they're here. It hurts, but it's for the best. It got way too bad and I ended up having a stroke because of all of the stress of the situation. I decided I was done with it at that point and did what was best for my health. You can't stop the biological mother from doing whatever it is she is going to do at her own house. But you can control what goes on in your house. 

lmundy00
by Member on Mar. 20, 2014 at 11:45 AM

As soon as my SO's ex found out that he was in a relationship, she got into one too, and got pregnant... She left us alone for about 5 minutes, but then all of the comments started again as soon as she found out that my SO and I are about to get married.

Quoting snickerdoodle86: DH and i have been friends for over 7 years we started dating july of 2012 and were married dec of 2013. I delt with this almost daily when DH and I first started dating. BM has looked at SS and told him that his dad loves me more right in front of DH. She did it before we dated with his last GF. She has sent me hateful texts and gone above and beyond to try and make things difficult. I know in my situation my DH and I talk A LOT and he listens to me when I am beyond frustrated with her and I do the same with him. I am able to get my frustrations out with him knowing that it drives her more crazy to see me happy and unbothered by her comments. The past couple months since she is now dating someone things have calmed down a whole lot because she is too busy to argue with DH or come after me. SS has told DH and I that he knows we love him and that he likes coming over to our house. All I can say is if you can't talk to your DH about it then find a friend to "bitch" to so that you can get it off your chest, and everytime you see BM just smile (as hard as it is at times). Showing her your frustrated just lets her know she has gotten under your skin and that she can continue to year you down.
Quoting lmundy00:

My SO and I didn't even know each other until after he divorced his ex-wife, but since him and I got together 3 years ago, she has been telling their kids that their dad was cheating on her with me, and that I'm the reason that they got divorced. She has told the kids that they aren't allowed to like me, and that "everybody hates me." She tells them that their dad cares more about me than he does them. (Usually after he's refused to give HER what she wants...) Unfortunantly, that's only the begining... My SO has stood up for me when necessary, but it only made her do it more, so we've resorted to ignoring all of her comments, and dealing with the kids' confusion and comments as they come, and I think that they're finally realizing who means well, and who doesn't... When we had them last week, they told me "You're the best mommy ever!" However, this morning, my SO's ex texted him wanting money, saying "I know your little GF doesn't work, and the load is on you, but..." 1) I do work. 2) I stayed home with the kids over Spring Break, and that's where she got that idea from. For some reason, her comment pushed me over the edge. I don't want to put my SO in the middle of anything, but I'm getting so sick of biting my tongue. I know that confronting her isn't going to change ANYTHING, but I really want to kindly give her a piece of my mind! Has anybody else dealt with this? How should I deal with this?


packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Mar. 20, 2014 at 11:47 AM

I understand that mom talks poorly (I was on the receiving end of a Sm's vitriol about me to my children, I get it), however, what is going on between the adults here for real? 

He's not giving her "her way", what is she asking for? Are you involved in things she doesn't want you involved in with her kids (not talking about cooking or cleaning here either)? I'm not saying she's right, but maybe something went on that has caused some issues between the houses (not saying she's innocent either)

Derdriu
by Gold Member on Mar. 20, 2014 at 11:47 AM

Keep ignoring BM.  An argument with her won't accomplish anything. 

Kids tend to be pretty good at asking questions and verifying information.  Dealing directly with them is the correct way to go.  Tell them the "how we met" story, complete with timeline.  Don't include BM in it; it's not about her.  Tell them about your job and stories from work.  Again, don't mention BM because it's not about her.  You will run yourself ragged attempting to combat each individual lie as it crops up, but as long as they kids are familiar with the truth, they can identify lies on their own. 

In addition to that, it's good for kids to witness what makes a successful relationship.  Sharing (age appropriate) "how we met" stories or funny date stories lends perspective.  They'll reflect on that stuff one day when they're dating.  It's the same with talking about work.  Don't bore them to death with it, but do give them insight into an adult day and possibilities.  In effect, you'll be adding dimensions to their imagination and play when they comtemplate the things they may do when they grow up.

AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Mar. 20, 2014 at 11:51 AM
1 mom liked this

 Just ignore BM.  Nothing good could ever come from confronting BM to give her a piece of her mind.  Best case scenario?  She laughs in your face.  But more than likely it will just escalate things and the more you retaliate and "defend yourself" the more she'll say and she'll sit there all nice and smug knowing she's bested you because what she's saying gets to you.

If the kids come to you directly with concerns or accusations deal with them on a case by case basis. But other than that, let it go.

Does it really matter that BM thinks you don't work?  Even if you didn't, that's not her concern as long as the kids are taken care of.  And things like telling the kids that everybody hates you, well, I'm sure the kids can see that's not even the case so why let it get to you? 

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