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WWYD? OT, not step-kid related: Update in red

Posted by on Mar. 21, 2014 at 9:20 PM
  • 40 Replies

My cousin has not made the best life choices. She has a 4 year old daughter that our other cousin is now raising and will be adopting. In February she had another daughter, who was taken by CPS. She may not ever get this daughter back either.

Today she messaged me on facebook and asked if DH and I would take temporary custody of the baby.

This baby HAS been exposed to drugs. Heroin is what sent her into labor, which is the reason that CPS has the baby now. We are the only option other than the baby going into foster care.

We have 4 children in this home. SD is 13 and MDD 7 they both have special needs, DS is 11, and YDD is 5 (6 next month). We don't technically have the room, but could make it work. The baby would qualify for assistance through the state (medical, and about $300 a month cash, which would cover the cost of her needs if we needed to get that).

She says it'll be temporary custody, but she hasn't had custody of her older daughter since June of 2010 (when the baby was 9 months old). So, in reality there's a good 90% chance this will turn into a forever situation where we'd be adopting the baby.

No one else could even consider taking this baby in.

DH does NOT like this cousin, she has had some serious drug issues her entire adult life. In truth, the drug issues started when she was closer to 13 (she's going to be 29 in May). The likeliness of her recovering being in a position to take her daughter back is very very small.

I haven't even spoken to DH about it. I literally JUST found out that she wants us to take the baby... 


Update:

So, things have gone from bad to worse. There's now a warrant our for my cousin's arrest and her boyfriend's arrest for theft by fraud, and a warrant out for her arrest for parole violation.

My grandfather died in January. My aunts have slowly been cleaning out his house and going through his belongings. My cousin and her boyfriend broke into the house and started selling my grandpa's things. Two of my aunts went over there on Saturday to clean out the house and my cousin and her boyfriend were there, 2 guys came up to them looking for my cousin. She told these guys she'd sell them ALL of the appliances in the house (a good $6000 worth of appliances) for $500, she took their money and she and her boyfriend left. My aunts had NO idea until the guys asked to get into the house to get the appliances. The police were called.

She's looking at going back to prison, and who knows what's going to happen to her boyfriend.

I just don't think I can invite that drama into my family. The only way I could take this baby is if my cousin and her boyfriend were willing to just have us adopt her with them having ZERO contact with the baby and with our family.

by on Mar. 21, 2014 at 9:20 PM
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Replies (1-10):
KLBrown
by Bronze Member on Mar. 21, 2014 at 9:25 PM
1 mom liked this
For the baby's sake, yes. BUT this will forever tie your husband to someone he would rather not have in his life. Toughie. I'd wait and see what he had to say
Boobear110
by Audra on Mar. 21, 2014 at 9:29 PM

I would probably say yes. I don't think I could turn away the baby but you have a lot more on your plate then I do. 

You have to figure out what you can handle. Yes you need to discuss it with DH but the reality is the responsibility will fall on you. 

thecircus8
by Silver Member on Mar. 21, 2014 at 10:10 PM
1 mom liked this
I would say yes. I can't say no to a child in need. And of all people I think y'all could handle it Tink. It is a huge decision that both DH and you need to be 100% on.

And this post made me cry... for completely different reasons.
annabl1970
by Gold Member on Mar. 21, 2014 at 10:19 PM
1 mom liked this
I would. Not because I want a child, but because I wouldn't want any of my family member kids end up in foster care.
But then again I only have one child in the house, and she is a independent teen.
I don't know. You are always so amazingly strong, but are you sure you can manage?
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Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Mar. 21, 2014 at 10:22 PM
1 mom liked this

Has this cousin caused trouble for your other cousin? I would say a guarded yes. It would depend on a lot of factors.  I have seen too many drug exposed preschoolers... I'm not sure I could handle that without taking a huge chunk of attention from my other kids.

Boobear110
by Audra on Mar. 21, 2014 at 10:24 PM
2 moms liked this

Hugs 

Quoting thecircus8: I would say yes. I can't say no to a child in need. And of all people I think y'all could handle it Tink. It is a huge decision that both DH and you need to be 100% on. And this post made me cry... for completely different reasons.


Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Mar. 21, 2014 at 10:42 PM

No, she hasn't caused any issues for our other cousin. The other daughter was also exposed to drugs during pregnancy and hasn't suffered any issues (so far, she's only 4 1/2).

And really, if this child DOES have problems, we are equipped to handle it. We know what resources are available in our area, we know how to handle IEPs, etc. MDD's needs come and go in waves. Sometimes she's totally fine, and sometimes she needs more. SD's special needs mostly require a supervisor (making sure she does her therapy stuff, homework, etc).

Quoting Polkadotted:

Has this cousin caused trouble for your other cousin? I would say a guarded yes. It would depend on a lot of factors.  I have seen too many drug exposed preschoolers... I'm not sure I could handle that without taking a huge chunk of attention from my other kids.


Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Mar. 21, 2014 at 10:47 PM

See, my heart says yes. My heart says I do NOT want this baby to be shuffled from foster family to foster family. We would have more control and more say than a foster family. She'd be signing custody over to us and the only way she could get custody back would be to fight us in court or for us to sign it back over. CPS wouldn't be in the equation, there would be no "reuniting the family" unless DH and I allowed it.

But, we don't have a lot of space in our current place. We could make it work for 1 1/2-2 years before we'd need a bigger place. I was going to go back to school. I could still do this, but we'd need child care during the day.

DH is really worried about the space and time issues. It would be a tight squeeze in our vehicle (we have a mini van), and it would be a tight squeeze in our townhouse. It's really not small child friendly (the master bedroom is on the main floor and the other bedrooms are on the 2nd floor). And time wise, it WOULD take away from the kids who live here already. But, I think we could do it.

I'm still waiting for my cousin to get back in touch with me. I don't even know if she legally has the ability to sign over custody of the baby. 

Quoting thecircus8: I would say yes. I can't say no to a child in need. And of all people I think y'all could handle it Tink. It is a huge decision that both DH and you need to be 100% on. And this post made me cry... for completely different reasons.


cdrainey3
by Cher on Mar. 21, 2014 at 10:48 PM
Ill take the baby!! Dead serious. Obviously you know what I would do :)
thecircus8
by Silver Member on Mar. 21, 2014 at 10:52 PM
Space and time are issues. I know, our house is small too. But we make it work. More important is time, believe me time is the one thing I never have enough of. But I think that the kids would enjoy having a baby around and that you wouldn't be sacrificing the other kids for the baby...

Quoting Tinkerbellmama:

See, my heart says yes. My heart says I do NOT want this baby to be shuffled from foster family to foster family. We would have more control and more say than a foster family. She'd be signing custody over to us and the only way she could get custody back would be to fight us in court or for us to sign it back over. CPS wouldn't be in the equation, there would be no "reuniting the family" unless DH and I allowed it.

But, we don't have a lot of space in our current place. We could make it work for 1 1/2-2 years before we'd need a bigger place. I was going to go back to school. I could still do this, but we'd need child care during the day.

DH is really worried about the space and time issues. It would be a tight squeeze in our vehicle (we have a mini van), and it would be a tight squeeze in our townhouse. It's really not small child friendly (the master bedroom is on the main floor and the other bedrooms are on the 2nd floor). And time wise, it WOULD take away from the kids who live here already. But, I think we could do it.I'm still waiting for my cousin to get back in touch with me. I don't even know if she legally has the ability to sign over custody of the baby. 

Quoting thecircus8: I would say yes. I can't say no to a child in need. And of all people I think y'all could handle it Tink. It is a huge decision that both DH and you need to be 100% on.

And this post made me cry... for completely different reasons.

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