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SD(4) crying and acting out because she misses BM

Posted by on Mar. 23, 2014 at 11:00 PM
  • 70 Replies

And we don't know what else to do. She's in counseling..has an appointment next monday. 

Background info: SD is 4, will be 5 in June. DH filed for custody modification last March and gained primary physical custody on July 2nd. Because of summer visitation she didn't actually begin living with us primarily until the beginning of August. BM is allowed phone calls every day but she rarely answers or calls us. She spoke to SD by phone the other day for the first time in a couple of months.

SD has been acting out in anger/tantrums and some nights are hard to get her to bed because she cries for BM.

She's crying right now. We put her to bed 2 hours ago and she's still crying. She has a tv with netflix and hulu for cartoons and she's allowed to watch it at bedtime. So that's on. She has a plug in nightlight also.

We have each gone in and held her and comforted her. She has stopped crying each time but as soon as we finish tucking her back in she starts wailing again. I asked her what we can do for her but her only answer was for us to take her to BM. BM lives 3 hours away. SD has school. We've explained that she can''t go tonight. She'll go on friday. But she keeps getting up. 

I know it's normal. She's still so young. But as time goes on this issue is getting worse..not better. She didn't do this a few months ago. Maybe every once in a while but this is becoming regular. We feel awful for her and hate to see her hurt. But what else can we do? 

ETA: BM does take her scheduled visitation. I realized I didn't make that clear. But recently she went to BM's for spring break and spent about 4 days not even with BM..but a few hours away at BM's boyfriend's mom's house. Then BM asked us if she could start getting SD every weekend because she doesn't get enough time with her. It's frustrating. So we're not sure how much time she's actually getting with BM on her weekends.

by on Mar. 23, 2014 at 11:00 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Mar. 23, 2014 at 11:07 PM

It got really bad for us right before I gave birth because OSD (5 at the time) was afraid that something would happen to me.  I sat with her for what seemed like hours talking about BM.  I wrote letters she dictated. 

What about recording videos for BM? Text them or save up a bunch and mail a CD.

We would lay in bed with the girls until they fell asleep too.

It did get better... although there were points I cried myself to sleep as much as she did.

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Mar. 23, 2014 at 11:09 PM
1 mom liked this

I'm sorry, I know this wasn't the question...but why on earth does a 4YO have a TV in her bedroom?  Bedtime is bedtime.  Have you guys tried a good bedtime routine that does NOT involve screen time?  Like a bath at 7:00 and then reading her books for half an hour?  That's the kind of bedtime routine I'm used to...but I don't have kids of my own.

Another thought would be having Mom skype and read a book.  Has DH talked to Mom about this?  Could she make herself more available to skype or facetime?

She's 4 and she's been taken away from her mother.  I can't imagine that would be easy on any kid.

Why exactly did BM lose custody?


antyler
by on Mar. 23, 2014 at 11:12 PM
1 mom liked this
I'm wondering if before bedtime and during if you all spent non TV time With her and just paid attention to her maybe that would help. It must be lonely.

Quoting Birdseed:

I'm sorry, I know this wasn't the question...but why on earth does a 4YO have a TV in her bedroom?  Bedtime is bedtime.  Have you guys tried a good bedtime routine that does NOT involve screen time?  Like a bath at 7:00 and then reading her books for half an hour?  That's the kind of bedtime routine I'm used to...but I don't have kids of my own.

Another thought would be having Mom skype and read a book.  Has DH talked to Mom about this?  Could she make herself more available to skype or facetime?

She's 4 and she's been taken away from her mother.  I can't imagine that would be easy on any kid.

Why exactly did BM lose custody?

amanda_mom89
by Gold Member on Mar. 23, 2014 at 11:20 PM

I'm not happy about the tv thing really. It was never part of my plan. It started during the custody case because a slight distraction at bedtime was the only thing that would keep her in her room. She was not used to sleeping without an adult. We tried bathtime and books..it did nothing. With all the ups and downs we just have not taken the tv away. Spat us on the hand..our bad.  It's one of our regrets.

We can't get her to answer the phone. No she won't skype. She is super flaky. Sometimes we call and she answers only to hang up after 3 min saying she'll call back later but she doesn't..and won't answer when we call again.

I understand why she's upset..we just can't figure out how to help her. DH filed for custody for a lot of reasons. BM moved 17 times in 4 years. 9 of those moves lasted 3-5 weeks, BM was drugging her to sleep with benadryl and between all that we had started having her with us more than BM did because by her own words she just couldn't handle her. But DH wound up not having to go in front of a judge. BM gave up custody as long as DH didn't ask for child support. So that's what happened.

Quoting Birdseed:

I'm sorry, I know this wasn't the question...but why on earth does a 4YO have a TV in her bedroom?  Bedtime is bedtime.  Have you guys tried a good bedtime routine that does NOT involve screen time?  Like a bath at 7:00 and then reading her books for half an hour?  That's the kind of bedtime routine I'm used to...but I don't have kids of my own.

Another thought would be having Mom skype and read a book.  Has DH talked to Mom about this?  Could she make herself more available to skype or facetime?

She's 4 and she's been taken away from her mother.  I can't imagine that would be easy on any kid.

Why exactly did BM lose custody?



amanda_mom89
by Gold Member on Mar. 23, 2014 at 11:22 PM

We do. We take the girls outside to ride their scooters, I bought paint supplies and we do art time together, we read books with them..we do lots of things together. We're not neglecting her. We give her lots of attention. She wants attention from her mom.

Quoting antyler: I'm wondering if before bedtime and during if you all spent non TV time With her and just paid attention to her maybe that would help. It must be lonely.
Quoting Birdseed:

I'm sorry, I know this wasn't the question...but why on earth does a 4YO have a TV in her bedroom?  Bedtime is bedtime.  Have you guys tried a good bedtime routine that does NOT involve screen time?  Like a bath at 7:00 and then reading her books for half an hour?  That's the kind of bedtime routine I'm used to...but I don't have kids of my own.

Another thought would be having Mom skype and read a book.  Has DH talked to Mom about this?  Could she make herself more available to skype or facetime?

She's 4 and she's been taken away from her mother.  I can't imagine that would be easy on any kid.

Why exactly did BM lose custody?



Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Mar. 23, 2014 at 11:27 PM

Does she get 1:1 time other than bedtime?

Can you bribe BM to record one of those Halmark books? or something else that SD could listen to every night?

Quoting amanda_mom89:

We do. We take the girls outside to ride their scooters, I bought paint supplies and we do art time together, we read books with them..we do lots of things together. We're not neglecting her. We give her lots of attention. She wants attention from her mom.

Quoting antyler: I'm wondering if before bedtime and during if you all spent non TV time With her and just paid attention to her maybe that would help. It must be lonely.
Quoting Birdseed:

I'm sorry, I know this wasn't the question...but why on earth does a 4YO have a TV in her bedroom?  Bedtime is bedtime.  Have you guys tried a good bedtime routine that does NOT involve screen time?  Like a bath at 7:00 and then reading her books for half an hour?  That's the kind of bedtime routine I'm used to...but I don't have kids of my own.

Another thought would be having Mom skype and read a book.  Has DH talked to Mom about this?  Could she make herself more available to skype or facetime?

She's 4 and she's been taken away from her mother.  I can't imagine that would be easy on any kid.

Why exactly did BM lose custody?




amanda_mom89
by Gold Member on Mar. 23, 2014 at 11:30 PM

She colors and paints pictures for BM, she makes things for her brother and sister at BMs, and sometimes she'll ask me to take a pic and send it to BM..but we haven't tried videos.

I can't lay with her because then DD would want me and we're about to have a new baby in a week.

We hurt when she hurts. I hate it. We just don't know what else to do.

DH has daddy/daughter dates with her, we have girl times where I've been teaching her to braid (she's really interested in learning that)..we made a photo board in her room with pics of BM and her brother and sister on it

Quoting Polkadotted:

It got really bad for us right before I gave birth because OSD (5 at the time) was afraid that something would happen to me.  I sat with her for what seemed like hours talking about BM.  I wrote letters she dictated. 

What about recording videos for BM? Text them or save up a bunch and mail a CD.

We would lay in bed with the girls until they fell asleep too.

It did get better... although there were points I cried myself to sleep as much as she did.


amanda_mom89
by Gold Member on Mar. 23, 2014 at 11:33 PM

Yes, she does. But SD has been very plain that it's not our attention she's needing. She wants BM.

I could ask but I asked her for months for a pic of her and SD for SD's photo board and she said she was fine with that and she'd text me one but she never would. I finally had to go on her facebook and snag one off of there.

Quoting Polkadotted:

Does she get 1:1 time other than bedtime?

Can you bribe BM to record one of those Halmark books? or something else that SD could listen to every night?

Quoting amanda_mom89:

We do. We take the girls outside to ride their scooters, I bought paint supplies and we do art time together, we read books with them..we do lots of things together. We're not neglecting her. We give her lots of attention. She wants attention from her mom.

Quoting antyler: I'm wondering if before bedtime and during if you all spent non TV time With her and just paid attention to her maybe that would help. It must be lonely.
Quoting Birdseed:

I'm sorry, I know this wasn't the question...but why on earth does a 4YO have a TV in her bedroom?  Bedtime is bedtime.  Have you guys tried a good bedtime routine that does NOT involve screen time?  Like a bath at 7:00 and then reading her books for half an hour?  That's the kind of bedtime routine I'm used to...but I don't have kids of my own.

Another thought would be having Mom skype and read a book.  Has DH talked to Mom about this?  Could she make herself more available to skype or facetime?

She's 4 and she's been taken away from her mother.  I can't imagine that would be easy on any kid.

Why exactly did BM lose custody?




Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Mar. 23, 2014 at 11:35 PM

If you bought the book and sent it with SD this weekend would it work?

Or maybe snag more pictures and make a book of SD with BM?  Do you have a calendar so she can cross off the days until she sees BM again?

Quoting amanda_mom89:

Yes, she does. But SD has been very plain that it's not our attention she's needing. She wants BM.

I could ask but I asked her for months for a pic of her and SD for SD's photo board and she said she was fine with that and she'd text me one but she never would. I finally had to go on her facebook and snag one off of there.

Quoting Polkadotted:

Does she get 1:1 time other than bedtime?

Can you bribe BM to record one of those Halmark books? or something else that SD could listen to every night?

Quoting amanda_mom89:

We do. We take the girls outside to ride their scooters, I bought paint supplies and we do art time together, we read books with them..we do lots of things together. We're not neglecting her. We give her lots of attention. She wants attention from her mom.

Quoting antyler: I'm wondering if before bedtime and during if you all spent non TV time With her and just paid attention to her maybe that would help. It must be lonely.
Quoting Birdseed:

I'm sorry, I know this wasn't the question...but why on earth does a 4YO have a TV in her bedroom?  Bedtime is bedtime.  Have you guys tried a good bedtime routine that does NOT involve screen time?  Like a bath at 7:00 and then reading her books for half an hour?  That's the kind of bedtime routine I'm used to...but I don't have kids of my own.

Another thought would be having Mom skype and read a book.  Has DH talked to Mom about this?  Could she make herself more available to skype or facetime?

She's 4 and she's been taken away from her mother.  I can't imagine that would be easy on any kid.

Why exactly did BM lose custody?





amanda_mom89
by Gold Member on Mar. 23, 2014 at 11:42 PM

Not sure. We could always try. There were only a couple of pics of them on there. One of them is really dark and cropped funny.

We do the calendar thing. She knows her days of the week so she usually knows when she's going. She just wants to go sooner.

Quoting Polkadotted:

If you bought the book and sent it with SD this weekend would it work?

Or maybe snag more pictures and make a book of SD with BM?  Do you have a calendar so she can cross off the days until she sees BM again?

Quoting amanda_mom89:

Yes, she does. But SD has been very plain that it's not our attention she's needing. She wants BM.

I could ask but I asked her for months for a pic of her and SD for SD's photo board and she said she was fine with that and she'd text me one but she never would. I finally had to go on her facebook and snag one off of there.

Quoting Polkadotted:

Does she get 1:1 time other than bedtime?

Can you bribe BM to record one of those Halmark books? or something else that SD could listen to every night?

Quoting amanda_mom89:

We do. We take the girls outside to ride their scooters, I bought paint supplies and we do art time together, we read books with them..we do lots of things together. We're not neglecting her. We give her lots of attention. She wants attention from her mom.

Quoting antyler: I'm wondering if before bedtime and during if you all spent non TV time With her and just paid attention to her maybe that would help. It must be lonely.
Quoting Birdseed:

I'm sorry, I know this wasn't the question...but why on earth does a 4YO have a TV in her bedroom?  Bedtime is bedtime.  Have you guys tried a good bedtime routine that does NOT involve screen time?  Like a bath at 7:00 and then reading her books for half an hour?  That's the kind of bedtime routine I'm used to...but I don't have kids of my own.

Another thought would be having Mom skype and read a book.  Has DH talked to Mom about this?  Could she make herself more available to skype or facetime?

She's 4 and she's been taken away from her mother.  I can't imagine that would be easy on any kid.

Why exactly did BM lose custody?





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