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When Mom Isn't Custodial

Posted by on Mar. 25, 2014 at 2:03 PM
  • 98 Replies

Do you immediately think BM is a bad parent/person is she doesn't have custody of her children?

BM in my situation wasn't custodial--she lost custody when her daughter was two.

That statement alone would lead one to believe she must have been into drugs or abusive or mentally impaired or something, no?

How about this?  BM in my situation was the sole provider of her daughter for the first 15 months of her life due to her husband being away at war...but lost custody of her daughter shortly after her second birthday.

Now BM MUST be a monster, right?!?  What mom would lose her kid to dad under those circumstances??

Truth is, BM is neither a monster nor a drug addict nor a mentally impaired psycho (not a diagnosed psycho anyway, lol).  At the time of her husband's homecoming, she was a young adult who was overwhelmed with everything and took his return as a free pass to party.  "Partying" meant staying out all night, being too hung over to care for her baby and basically turning over all parenting responsibilities to her husband and her in-laws.  She spent months with little to no interaction with her daughter.  These behaviors did not go over well with the judge and sole custody was granted to her ex.

BM hated being a NCP.  HATED it and never truly accepted her role as one.  For years, she made life miserable for everyone, including her child.  She tried repeatedly to reverse custody and was always unsuccessful.  In one of the last attempts, a GAL was brought in and during his interview with BM he asked the question, "Why do you think you should have custody?"

Her response? "Because society hates non-custodial moms."

She also went on to include such gems as, "All my single friends receive CS and I don't" and "It's embarrassing to have to pay CS" and "Only men should have to pay CS" (think she was a little hung up on the CS aspect?) but the one that always stood out to me was "Because society hates non-custodial moms".

Does society hate non-custodial moms?  Do you?  What is your immediate reaction upon hearing a mother is non-custodial?


by on Mar. 25, 2014 at 2:03 PM
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by on Mar. 25, 2014 at 2:08 PM
The only moms that I've known not to have primary custody are less than stellar moms. Clearly that isn't the case for everyone.
by on Mar. 25, 2014 at 2:09 PM
I assume something happened. Most states don't take kids from their mother unless they're older and want to be with dad.
by on Mar. 25, 2014 at 2:11 PM
Bm in our stitch was mentally and physically abusive too the kids. She refused to take the meds the psychiatrist prescribed and the judge didn't like it.
by Platinum Member on Mar. 25, 2014 at 2:17 PM

I've never known a non-custodial BM who wasn't less than stellar. Admittedly I've known (or known of) few non-custodial BMs.  Of those I have known (or known of), they were young (too young to have children IMO) or chose drugs or a man over their child.  I've only known one NCBM who chose a career over her child, and that child was thriving with BF (no SM in their lives). Said child has been an adult for years now.   

Yes, my initial reaction/response to hearing that a BM is non-custodial is that there is something 'wrong' with her.  Right or wrong, that's my reaction. 

While that's my initial reaction, I don't 'hate' NCBMs.  I don't even 'hate' NCBFs. 

I do not believe that custody should always go to BM because 'society hates non-custodial moms' however.  I've known some fantastic CBFs and have seen kids thrive with them as custodial (some had SMs helping, some did not).  I've also known some CBMs who have kids who are also thriving, with or without a SF in their lives. 

by on Mar. 25, 2014 at 2:21 PM
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I used to assume the worst, but once I met my husband, I changed my thinking.  I kind of felt bad for BM.  She made a lot of really bad choices that came back to bite her in the butt. 

Then I think of the women who choose to be the NCP--not because they love their kids any less than a CP would, but because it's in the best interest of the child.  Maybe dad is more financially stable, lives in a better area or is zoned to an amazing school district.  I applaud those women for having the courage to go against society and put her child's needs ahead of her own.

by Gold Member on Mar. 25, 2014 at 2:22 PM
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I assume mothers who have children want them and do not willingly give up custody to less that 50/50. So a mother who has less than 50/50 custody, I assume has had it taken from her, and legally, the LONG standing precedent in this country has been to leave primary residence with the mother, and assuming most mothers want that, when I encounter a mother who doesn't have it...I assume she either doesn't care enough to want to be that involved with her kids or she has screwed up enough in the courts eyes that the court system decided she needed limited influence over her kids. There is NO father friendly court...but well established mother friendly when custody is given to dad...yeah, SOMETHING is awry. For most fathers the BEST they can hope for is 50/50, they have to fight for more or prove mom unfit for more custody time while in most states it starts at 50/50 or automatically goes to more time for mom, never the reverse. So I really never question the noncustodial dad...that is the courts standard...and the custodial yeah, I question when mom isn't custodial, it's doesn't gel with her being Mary Poppins.

by Ruby Member on Mar. 25, 2014 at 2:26 PM

I used to think it is because mother was less than stellar however I am a bit more aware now. I know sometimes Mom and Dad mutually agree that Mom will be NCP and being NCP doesn't always mean not a parent. There are a few cases where Mom was screwed out of custody but most times mother is NCP she isn't up  to the job.

by on Mar. 25, 2014 at 2:27 PM

Honestly,  I have only ever known two non-custodial mom's.  One lady I know, had two children when she was young (18-19ish) those children are now grown.  She now has two more children that are around my children's ages.   She was NCP to the older two.  She can admit she was too young and too selfish to be there for her children as she should have been.  She can acknowledge that their father did a great job being the CP.  Her younger two children have an intact home and she is a wonderful mother that I trust my kiddos with completely.

The other non-custodial parent is my SS BM and I'm not sure I could make a fair and accurate description of the situation from being so jaded right now.  I'm frustrated by a lot today regarding her and I'm sure it would come out all bad.  I will say, even though I am frustrated beyond belief with certain decisions today, I can acknowledge that she made the ultimate sacrifice and truly did think about SS best interest when making the decision to sign over custody to SO. 

by Gold Member on Mar. 25, 2014 at 2:40 PM
I admit I used to think if mom didn't had custody she had to have some major issues or be a bad mom.

You live and you learn. BM gave DH custody years ago b/c OSS and SF were having issues and she didn't want to deal w/it. She only had EOWE visitation for years b/c that's all she wanted. Not a decision I would have made but I don't consider her to be a bad mother. Last year she did ask DH if they could do a EOW schedule instead so she could be more involved. There's no longer any issues between SF and OSS.

I think it's easy for ppl to judge w/o knowing the whole story too.
by on Mar. 25, 2014 at 2:54 PM
I have only none a few noncustodial moms. Two were not able to be fully involved. Mentally unstable and left the primary parenting to Dad. One is capable but making a life choice to better herself and it likely will cost her time with her child. Another was military and a partier. I think she primarily was not vested into parenting.

It is odd. I don't see this the noncustodial dads. Most of them are typical family men.

Not sure why.
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