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Update: What would you say or do?

Posted by on Mar. 25, 2014 at 2:55 PM
  • 54 Replies

Thank you to those that responded, I really appreciate the understanding and the suggestions. I talked to my husband, I suggested the idea of BM getting them from school and while he had the concern I thought he would, he's trying it out tomorrow, so hopefully that'll go good. I also told him that while I didn't appreciate BM wanting me to be asked even though she knew better, that's to be expected from her, she doesn't care about me, but he does, and I wish he had stepped up and told BM "No" to asking me and kept the situation between them. He said that from now on, he won't be asking to be involved PickUps. 

I know this might seeme silly that I won't be involved, but when you're treated like crap for years there's only so much 1 person can take. Besides, I wasn't there when the original shedule was created, they had to rely on each other for their visitiation, so why can't it still be that way, right?  :-)


My husband texted me asking if I would be okay with sending the boys out to their mom early on Friday because the kids get off school early.

Problem?

The boundary has been set, by me, due to past really screwed up circumstances, that I will not facilitate the PickUp or DropOff.

He told me that the boys asked him, while on the phone with their mother, so he was caught off guard, because neither parent knew that there was early relase on Friday. When he talked to BM after the conversation with the kids was done, she I guess did say that she knows that I "might" not be okay with it, but would DH mind asking anyway. So he did.

My issue is, I really don't want to be a "bad guy" but , my boundaries were made and accepted, for the most part. It seems like I'm put in situation where there needs to be an exception. I have sent the kids out when DH couldn't make it home in time so that the pick up time wasn't delayed, but I expressed how I wasn't comfortable with that and I would appreciate if it was avoided in the future, DH said that was fine and there hasn't been an issue since. This situation is one that I'm given a choice, but I feel like it's not okay of BM to push at the boundary. It feels like she is going along with a situation because the boys made the request, she's not stepping up to say something along the lines of "Unless your dad can be home early, I don't think it'll work out"  My DH did tell the boys that I'm not the person that deals with this stuff, but he'll still check with me, so that's a good thing. I just don't like being in this position, I created the boundary to avoid this, to put this kind of thing completely in THEIR court. 

I'm just wondering what others might do. Would you still make the situation happen if you were me, or would you stick to the plan that's been laid out? 

by on Mar. 25, 2014 at 2:55 PM
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Replies (1-10):
WifeyC
by Platinum Member on Mar. 25, 2014 at 3:00 PM

I would open the door when BM got there and send the kid out.  You won't have any interaction with BM.

amantonacci
by Platinum Member on Mar. 25, 2014 at 3:02 PM
What do you mean.. Do you just send them outside and you stay in the house never exchanging a word. Or are you expected to interact with her?
jules2boys
by Gold Member on Mar. 25, 2014 at 3:08 PM
1 mom liked this

I don't remember the history behind this boundary.  Are you being asked to drive the kids somewhere to meet BM for the early exchange?  Are the children too young to go outside on their own? (If they're in school I'm going to guess they aren't)  Is BM picking them up at your home with BF?  If so, does she need to come to the door or can they just walk out to her? 

I don't see XH when he brings the boys to my home to pick up last minute things (they can't take these things to school for his pick up so he brings them by after leaving xMILs home that evening that he picks them up, lets them drop school bags off and pick up whatever they need to go to his place overnight).  There hasn't been a reason for me to walk them out for YEARS.  They are 11 and 16 now.  I haven't walked them out since YDS was about 5 or 6, and then only if what he wanted to take was more than he or ODS could carry down stairs to get to the car.    Half the time I don't even 'see' XH when we meet half way when I pick up the boys.  They walk from his car to mine with their things.  Pretty easy really. 

What am I missing that would cross your boundary? 

But, ultimately, it's ok to say NO to BF as well, then he can say 'no that won't work' to BM. 

Melina74
by Melina on Mar. 25, 2014 at 3:23 PM

Yeah, I'm confused over what you are being asked to do.  Drive them or open the front door so they can leave? And I don't rememebr reasons for the boundary in the first place.

lovelymomma87
by Bronze Member on Mar. 25, 2014 at 3:38 PM

To send them out.

With this lady though, there's a chance she'll try to talk to me, and I probably wouldn't and she would look at it as rude or something, and make an issue about it to my DH, or talk about it to the skids, and I just want to avoid it all together. A zero risk situation, if you will. 

Quoting amantonacci: What do you mean.. Do you just send them outside and you stay in the house never exchanging a word. Or are you expected to interact with her?


lovelymomma87
by Bronze Member on Mar. 25, 2014 at 3:47 PM

BM has done some horrible things in the past that not only affected my StepSons, but my biogirls as well, and I told Social Services, BM, DH, everyone involved, that I will no longer have anything to do with BM. I will not be the adult that made sure she got her kids and everyone agreed that that was fine. 

Yes, she's picking them up from our home, and all the boys have to do is walk out to her van.

What crosses my boundary on her end, is her not respecting the arraignment, her thinking it's okay to still have DH ask me. I don't like that she knows that I won't do something, but wants me asked. Yes, DH didn't have to, but he's trying to keep the peace, I get it, but I'm irritated about even being involved because I thought i was clear.

I don't know, I'm trying to explain myself as best I can....

Quoting jules2boys:

I don't remember the history behind this boundary.  Are you being asked to drive the kids somewhere to meet BM for the early exchange?  Are the children too young to go outside on their own? (If they're in school I'm going to guess they aren't)  Is BM picking them up at your home with BF?  If so, does she need to come to the door or can they just walk out to her? 

I don't see XH when he brings the boys to my home to pick up last minute things (they can't take these things to school for his pick up so he brings them by after leaving xMILs home that evening that he picks them up, lets them drop school bags off and pick up whatever they need to go to his place overnight).  There hasn't been a reason for me to walk them out for YEARS.  They are 11 and 16 now.  I haven't walked them out since YDS was about 5 or 6, and then only if what he wanted to take was more than he or ODS could carry down stairs to get to the car.    Half the time I don't even 'see' XH when we meet half way when I pick up the boys.  They walk from his car to mine with their things.  Pretty easy really. 

What am I missing that would cross your boundary? 

But, ultimately, it's ok to say NO to BF as well, then he can say 'no that won't work' to BM. 


laughnchica
by on Mar. 25, 2014 at 3:51 PM

I understand the irritation but you can't really control what *she* says or asks. What you can do is have your DH say to her upfront "No that won't work and you know that" or have him not even ask you. Also, if you just keep an eye out for her arriving and tell the kids "Hey your mom is here" and have them just run outside and close the door themselves.....she doesn't even have to see you at the door. Just some thoughts.

Quoting lovelymomma87:

BM has done some horrible things in the past that not only affected my StepSons, but my biogirls as well, and I told Social Services, BM, DH, everyone involved, that I will no longer have anything to do with BM. I will not be the adult that made sure she got her kids and everyone agreed that that was fine. 

Yes, she's picking them up from our home, and all the boys have to do is walk out to her van.

What crosses my boundary on her end, is her not respecting the arraignment, her thinking it's okay to still have DH ask me. I don't like that she knows that I won't do something, but wants me asked. Yes, DH didn't have to, but he's trying to keep the peace, I get it, but I'm irritated about even being involved because I thought i was clear.

I don't know, I'm trying to explain myself as best I can....

Quoting jules2boys:

I don't remember the history behind this boundary.  Are you being asked to drive the kids somewhere to meet BM for the early exchange?  Are the children too young to go outside on their own? (If they're in school I'm going to guess they aren't)  Is BM picking them up at your home with BF?  If so, does she need to come to the door or can they just walk out to her? 

I don't see XH when he brings the boys to my home to pick up last minute things (they can't take these things to school for his pick up so he brings them by after leaving xMILs home that evening that he picks them up, lets them drop school bags off and pick up whatever they need to go to his place overnight).  There hasn't been a reason for me to walk them out for YEARS.  They are 11 and 16 now.  I haven't walked them out since YDS was about 5 or 6, and then only if what he wanted to take was more than he or ODS could carry down stairs to get to the car.    Half the time I don't even 'see' XH when we meet half way when I pick up the boys.  They walk from his car to mine with their things.  Pretty easy really. 

What am I missing that would cross your boundary? 

But, ultimately, it's ok to say NO to BF as well, then he can say 'no that won't work' to BM. 


lovelymomma87
by Bronze Member on Mar. 25, 2014 at 3:57 PM

I know, and that's true. I've just been yelled at, talked bad about, etc, for my involvement these past nearly 8 years, that I thought it would be acceptable for me to choose a situation where I could completely remove myself and that it would be respected, not just when it was convenient for her or even my DH for that matter. 

Quoting laughnchica:

I understand the irritation but you can't really control what *she* says or asks. What you can do is have your DH say to her upfront "No that won't work and you know that" or have him not even ask you. Also, if you just keep an eye out for her arriving and tell the kids "Hey your mom is here" and have them just run outside and close the door themselves.....she doesn't even have to see you at the door. Just some thoughts.

Quoting lovelymomma87:

BM has done some horrible things in the past that not only affected my StepSons, but my biogirls as well, and I told Social Services, BM, DH, everyone involved, that I will no longer have anything to do with BM. I will not be the adult that made sure she got her kids and everyone agreed that that was fine. 

Yes, she's picking them up from our home, and all the boys have to do is walk out to her van.

What crosses my boundary on her end, is her not respecting the arraignment, her thinking it's okay to still have DH ask me. I don't like that she knows that I won't do something, but wants me asked. Yes, DH didn't have to, but he's trying to keep the peace, I get it, but I'm irritated about even being involved because I thought i was clear.

I don't know, I'm trying to explain myself as best I can....

Quoting jules2boys:

I don't remember the history behind this boundary.  Are you being asked to drive the kids somewhere to meet BM for the early exchange?  Are the children too young to go outside on their own? (If they're in school I'm going to guess they aren't)  Is BM picking them up at your home with BF?  If so, does she need to come to the door or can they just walk out to her? 

I don't see XH when he brings the boys to my home to pick up last minute things (they can't take these things to school for his pick up so he brings them by after leaving xMILs home that evening that he picks them up, lets them drop school bags off and pick up whatever they need to go to his place overnight).  There hasn't been a reason for me to walk them out for YEARS.  They are 11 and 16 now.  I haven't walked them out since YDS was about 5 or 6, and then only if what he wanted to take was more than he or ODS could carry down stairs to get to the car.    Half the time I don't even 'see' XH when we meet half way when I pick up the boys.  They walk from his car to mine with their things.  Pretty easy really. 

What am I missing that would cross your boundary? 

But, ultimately, it's ok to say NO to BF as well, then he can say 'no that won't work' to BM. 


jules2boys
by Gold Member on Mar. 25, 2014 at 4:15 PM

How long ago was Social Services involved?  How long have you NOT been involved? 

If it's been a while and your wishes have been upheld for a bit, why not give it a try, once, and see how it goes?  Tell DH he can inform BM that she can pick up the boys after school, at your place, but she needs to text one of the boys when she's approaching your place so they can gather their things and then text again when she's 'there' so they can go out.  Since you've been in the kids lives for at least 8 years, they're at least 8 years old (likely older) and should be able to handle this on their own (my boys do at 11 and 16, usually just the 11 yo on his own as the 16 yo is busy and doesn't go to BFs much anymore).  If they don't have their own phones, she can just give DH a time she'll be there and you'll remind the boys to be ready by X time, then she can honk so no one gets out of the car (no need). 

Maybe (playing devils advocate here) BM asked DH because the boys were on the phone and asked, and she didn't want to throw you under the bus by saying 'oh, boys, SM won't do that'?  Could that be?  I try not to do that with BF.  Even when I *know* his answer will be NO, I'll tell the boys "I'm pretty sure dad will say no but you're free to ask", as it's NOT my place to determine what BF will/won't be free to do/allow.  make sense?  *maybe* that's where she was coming from?  Maybe not? 

oldproatthis
by Silver Member on Mar. 25, 2014 at 4:17 PM

How old are the boys?

Maybe neutral turf would be better. In my situation, PUs and DOs are done at a (Texans will appreciate this) a Bucee's. There is one between our residence and BMs on the interstate. We just pull up in the parking lot and they jump out...I never even get out of my car...

It works. The rare times I have done PUs or DOs I don't feel violated. She's not intruding in my home or on my turf and I'm not intruding on hers. No contact, a drive-by if you will, it keeps the peace.

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