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BM teaches stepson how to lie

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Background: My 8 year old stepson has ADHD. I have two biological children, one of which is my husband's son also. We get every other weekend visits and every other Thursday responsibilities with SS. (Pick up from school, homework, eat, shower, bed... and that's pretty much all we have time for.) So... BM is recently married, around the same time that my son was born. This is when she implemented our new schedule with SS. He's having a super hard time in school, behaviourally and academically. He tells us that his mom and step dad do not: help with homework, cook dinner (they make pizza or order Chinese, etc), eat in the same room with him, wash clothes, make him shower everyday, teach the dogs not to poop on all of his things, etc, etc. He also has said that he's been allowed to stay home ALONE until recently because he "told too many people" and now he's not allowed to. When confronted about these things, BM denies everyone of them, of course. SS informed us recently that his mother has TOLD HIM TO LIE TO HIS FATHER about these issues and more, if he "thinks it might make Daddy mad at Mommy." I could go on for days about other things that she's allowed him to do that are INSANE... With his own MOTHER encouraging him to lie, even about SHOWERS, how do we discipher or discipline the lying in our home? Where to go from here?! (There is NO communication with BM as she simply ignores all of my husband's attempts!)
by on Mar. 26, 2014 at 10:43 AM
Replies (61-66):
Rocker.Mom.07
by The Savior on Mar. 28, 2014 at 6:37 PM

I can honestly say I have learned a lot from some of these ladies. Others are more about being right and making you look stupid. Some just have it out for SMs...not sure why they are even in here. Even some of the jerks I learned from. I took some time away from CM (had a baby and I take breaks every so often anyway) and practiced some of the advice and things got a lot better...but then BM saw that things got better and is doing what she can do to make it hard on us...but don't take my word for it! I'm just creating my own drama lol I'd just start leaving some of them be, don't quote anymore and this thread will pass...but they won't forget! lol

Quoting loumom1109: It's 100% clear that this is not a support group, nor a place to vent or ask for advice. It's more like joining the circus. Throw the snippet of your situation in and "AWWW HELL NAAAWWWW, Y'ALL! Let's tear this upppp! She cares waaaaay to much about a kid who didn't come out of HER vagina and that ain't right! She must be stopped! Break this shit up!" Haha, horrible.
Quoting Rocker.Mom.07:

Don't need to defend yourself to most of these women. Wolves. They like to make up their own stories about others lives. So far my DH didn't fight for SD against her sex offender SF...I create my own drama, I make stuff up, I only complain/whine.... I think you have realized who to ignore and who actually likes to help in this group. :)

Quoting loumom1109: Haha, y'all are judgemental sharks. Not a single one of you know the ENTIRE story or situation. All you know is the bits and pieces I've been able to spit out here and there. DH did fight for custody but at the time could not afford to pay a lawyer, whereas BM's parents paid for hers. He was going into the battle blindly and with no support or information. He was 19 when this all went down. He is well aware of his mistakes and absolutely regrets the way he handled it. And it's only recently become this absurd with the way she's not taking care of him. Yes he eats and yes he has a place to lay his head down, but that's as far as it goes. And to me, the nobody SM, that's not enough. I never said they they TEACH the dogs to shit on his stuff; I said they do NOT teach them NOT to. It's the cats too. They spray the entire house. Brand new school uniforms and supplies that I personally purchase for him end up over there and never come back. They get lost or ruined by the animals, according to him, and then mom throws them away. I have a right to be upset about this!!! I can't send him to school in the BULLSHIT they send him in. He will NOT leave my house in clothes that are way too small or torn, tattered, or holey. I've purchased 3 new pairs of shoes and two book bags, three jackets, a belt, among many other pieces... all of which have never returned once they left this house on his person. When I pick him up from school he is in clothes two sizes too small that look like they came out of the dumpster. Now tell me there's not a problem here, ladies. I am the cafeteria police, actually, when this kid is overweight due to his poor diet and no exercise, and is starting to develop self esteem issues due to his hanging belly.. and is being bullied about it. If his mother doesn't give a shit, who else is going to??? That's right, me. The overstepping, evil step mom. I damn sure am not going to stand by and allow him to think that junk food and tons of it is OK just because his mom allows him to have it. And this isn't just me. DH feels the exact same way about all of it. He works 10 hours a day so SS is here with me the majority of the time. This is why it has become such a huge concern for me. Why is it that when a SM cares about a child's well being it's considered to be overbearing or unnecessary or whatever else? Children are NOT possessions. They need to be taken care of and loved and protected. That's MY job as the mother and caretaker of my household, which includes my SS, whom I love like my own. Judge all you want, I'll never stop wanting what's right and best for him.


loumom1109
by Member on Mar. 28, 2014 at 6:48 PM
I have most certainly not put him in that position whatsoever. It is his mother who is telling him to lie to his dad because SHE knows that he does not approve of the things she's telling SS to be dishonest about. If she thought that what she's teaching him or what goes on there is RIGHT, why would she feel the need to hide it from Dad? Why not be proud of what you're teaching your kid? Hmm... Becauuuuuuuse she KNOWS there's something to hide. Nothing happens to Mom. There is no communication anymore, even, yet the lies continue to flow and the "she told me to lie to you" comes out often as well. Get it? She is deceitful. She is teaching him to be deceitful. She is ashamed of what goes on at her home because she knows she should do better. It's that simple.


Quoting whatIknownow:

that is not at all what people said to you. You didnt' listen to what people were actually saying.

You have put your SS in a position where he feels he has to lie to protect his mother. This will eventually drive him away from you.

No one said it was bad that you care about him. However your behavior suggests that you don't care about him all that much.

Quoting loumom1109: It's 100% clear that this is not a support group, nor a place to vent or ask for advice. It's more like joining the circus. Throw the snippet of your situation in and "AWWW HELL NAAAWWWW, Y'ALL! Let's tear this upppp! She cares waaaaay to much about a kid who didn't come out of HER vagina and that ain't right! She must be stopped! Break this shit up!" Haha, horrible.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Mar. 28, 2014 at 6:50 PM

I don't think so. She just knows Dad will pick her apart and judge her, in the same way you are doing here. Her son is right to avoid such conflict.

Your DH should reconsider his approach, if he doesn't want to lose his son.

Quoting loumom1109: I have most certainly not put him in that position whatsoever. It is his mother who is telling him to lie to his dad because SHE knows that he does not approve of the things she's telling SS to be dishonest about. If she thought that what she's teaching him or what goes on there is RIGHT, why would she feel the need to hide it from Dad? Why not be proud of what you're teaching your kid? Hmm... Becauuuuuuuse she KNOWS there's something to hide. Nothing happens to Mom. There is no communication anymore, even, yet the lies continue to flow and the "she told me to lie to you" comes out often as well. Get it? She is deceitful. She is teaching him to be deceitful. She is ashamed of what goes on at her home because she knows she should do better. It's that simple.
Quoting whatIknownow:

that is not at all what people said to you. You didnt' listen to what people were actually saying.

You have put your SS in a position where he feels he has to lie to protect his mother. This will eventually drive him away from you.

No one said it was bad that you care about him. However your behavior suggests that you don't care about him all that much.

Quoting loumom1109: It's 100% clear that this is not a support group, nor a place to vent or ask for advice. It's more like joining the circus. Throw the snippet of your situation in and "AWWW HELL NAAAWWWW, Y'ALL! Let's tear this upppp! She cares waaaaay to much about a kid who didn't come out of HER vagina and that ain't right! She must be stopped! Break this shit up!" Haha, horrible.



loumom1109
by Member on Mar. 28, 2014 at 6:58 PM
Now THAT is some great advice! Lol. I'm just gonna stop and let it pass. The first few responses were helpful. Had a conversation with DH and decided to stop talking about it and be proactive about the situation. Should have done it a long time ago... but a least we have an action plan set in motion now.

I feel you on your situation, too. Being a step parent is one of the hardest roles I believe any adult is called to play. Sounds like you're dealing well though!
Quoting Rocker.Mom.07:

I can honestly say I have learned a lot from some of these ladies. Others are more about being right and making you look stupid. Some just have it out for SMs...not sure why they are even in here. Even some of the jerks I learned from. I took some time away from CM (had a baby and I take breaks every so often anyway) and practiced some of the advice and things got a lot better...but then BM saw that things got better and is doing what she can do to make it hard on us...but don't take my word for it! I'm just creating my own drama lol I'd just start leaving some of them be, don't quote anymore and this thread will pass...but they won't forget! lol

Quoting loumom1109: It's 100% clear that this is not a support group, nor a place to vent or ask for advice. It's more like joining the circus. Throw the snippet of your situation in and "AWWW HELL NAAAWWWW, Y'ALL! Let's tear this upppp! She cares waaaaay to much about a kid who didn't come out of HER vagina and that ain't right! She must be stopped! Break this shit up!" Haha, horrible.
Quoting Rocker.Mom.07:

Don't need to defend yourself to most of these women. Wolves. They like to make up their own stories about others lives. So far my DH didn't fight for SD against her sex offender SF...I create my own drama, I make stuff up, I only complain/whine.... I think you have realized who to ignore and who actually likes to help in this group. :)

Quoting loumom1109: Haha, y'all are judgemental sharks. Not a single one of you know the ENTIRE story or situation. All you know is the bits and pieces I've been able to spit out here and there. DH did fight for custody but at the time could not afford to pay a lawyer, whereas BM's parents paid for hers. He was going into the battle blindly and with no support or information. He was 19 when this all went down. He is well aware of his mistakes and absolutely regrets the way he handled it. And it's only recently become this absurd with the way she's not taking care of him. Yes he eats and yes he has a place to lay his head down, but that's as far as it goes. And to me, the nobody SM, that's not enough.

I never said they they TEACH the dogs to shit on his stuff; I said they do NOT teach them NOT to. It's the cats too. They spray the entire house. Brand new school uniforms and supplies that I personally purchase for him end up over there and never come back. They get lost or ruined by the animals, according to him, and then mom throws them away. I have a right to be upset about this!!! I can't send him to school in the BULLSHIT they send him in. He will NOT leave my house in clothes that are way too small or torn, tattered, or holey. I've purchased 3 new pairs of shoes and two book bags, three jackets, a belt, among many other pieces... all of which have never returned once they left this house on his person. When I pick him up from school he is in clothes two sizes too small that look like they came out of the dumpster. Now tell me there's not a problem here, ladies.

I am the cafeteria police, actually, when this kid is overweight due to his poor diet and no exercise, and is starting to develop self esteem issues due to his hanging belly.. and is being bullied about it. If his mother doesn't give a shit, who else is going to??? That's right, me. The overstepping, evil step mom. I damn sure am not going to stand by and allow him to think that junk food and tons of it is OK just because his mom allows him to have it.

And this isn't just me. DH feels the exact same way about all of it. He works 10 hours a day so SS is here with me the majority of the time. This is why it has become such a huge concern for me. Why is it that when a SM cares about a child's well being it's considered to be overbearing or unnecessary or whatever else? Children are NOT possessions. They need to be taken care of and loved and protected. That's MY job as the mother and caretaker of my household, which includes my SS, whom I love like my own. Judge all you want, I'll never stop wanting what's right and best for him.

momof2cuteboys
by Silver Member on Mar. 28, 2014 at 9:49 PM

You are wrong.  If I was this child's teacher I would have to report it since I would be a mandatory reporter.  Anyone can call CPS if there is suspected abuse or neglect.  

Quoting loumom1109: Legal age in my state is 12. Nobody has called CPS because it's up to DH to make that call. We discussed it last night, actually, and he's going to call.
Quoting momof2cuteboys:

First is it legal to leave him alone at that age in your state?  And for the others why the heck hasn't someone called CPS?  Really how are you going to justify that to a judge?  You aren't going to make her a better mom.  A judge can order classes.  I know you said you guys don't want to change custody so I'm pretty sure doing nothing legally is going to improve your SS's quality of life.  What does your DH say?

Quoting loumom1109: Harming him? It depends on what you consider to be "harm." She leaves the 8 year old at home alone. She's allowed him to smoke her e-cig. She sometimes "forgets' to give him his prescription medication. These, IMO, are harmful choices. Idk what the court says. He eats. Too much. His clothes are not clean, nor do they fit. His shoes have holes. Mom always looks like she stepped out of a magazine with new, stylish clothing, shoes, hair and make up top notch, nails always done, etc.
Quoting momof2cuteboys:

Do you honestly believe they taught the dog to poop on all his things? Really?  

So what if she doesn't cook... does he have food to eat?  Does he wear clean clothes?

If yes than nothing you can do.  You can't change her parenting and if she isn't harming him and taking care of basic needs a judge isn't going to listen to you about her parenting style.


loumom1109
by Member on Mar. 28, 2014 at 9:54 PM
I don't mean that it's legally up to DH to notify them. I mean this is about his son, so it's his call. It's taken care of.
Quoting momof2cuteboys:

You are wrong.  If I was this child's teacher I would have to report it since I would be a mandatory reporter.  Anyone can call CPS if there is suspected abuse or neglect.  

Quoting loumom1109: Legal age in my state is 12. Nobody has called CPS because it's up to DH to make that call. We discussed it last night, actually, and he's going to call.
Quoting momof2cuteboys:

First is it legal to leave him alone at that age in your state?  And for the others why the heck hasn't someone called CPS?  Really how are you going to justify that to a judge?  You aren't going to make her a better mom.  A judge can order classes.  I know you said you guys don't want to change custody so I'm pretty sure doing nothing legally is going to improve your SS's quality of life.  What does your DH say?

Quoting loumom1109: Harming him? It depends on what you consider to be "harm." She leaves the 8 year old at home alone. She's allowed him to smoke her e-cig. She sometimes "forgets' to give him his prescription medication. These, IMO, are harmful choices. Idk what the court says.

He eats. Too much. His clothes are not clean, nor do they fit. His shoes have holes. Mom always looks like she stepped out of a magazine with new, stylish clothing, shoes, hair and make up top notch, nails always done, etc.
Quoting momof2cuteboys:

Do you honestly believe they taught the dog to poop on all his things? Really?  

So what if she doesn't cook... does he have food to eat?  Does he wear clean clothes?

If yes than nothing you can do.  You can't change her parenting and if she isn't harming him and taking care of basic needs a judge isn't going to listen to you about her parenting style.

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