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Failure to communicate

Posted by on Mar. 28, 2014 at 8:41 AM
  • 56 Replies

So...DH is NCP to SS13.  BM rarely communicates with DH about SS and when she does it is through SS - though the CO states both parents will NOT use SS to communicate.  BM had a baby about 10 days ago.  It's been rumored that earlier this week she had to go back in to the hospital to have her spleen (or a portion of her spleen) removed.  DH picked SS up from BMs sister's house for his time on Wednesday.  When DH talked to him last night he was still at BM's sister's house.  But according to SS, he is not staying there.  If BM is in the hospital, SS should be staying with us, not his aunt or SF.  They have a 24 hour ROFR.  DH thinks that BM is trying to keep what is going on quiet so that DH does not exercise his ROFR.  It's just frustrating.  She will not answer the phone and refuses to communicate any way but via text IF she even responds at all.  And there is no way for DH to really know what is going on, if she is in the hospital, and how long she will be there.  UGH! 

by on Mar. 28, 2014 at 8:41 AM
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Replies (1-10):
leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Mar. 28, 2014 at 8:47 AM

Why do you think SS is lying when he says he is not staying with his Aunt?


wise.toes
by Silver Member on Mar. 28, 2014 at 8:54 AM

what's the big deal? you're not losing your parenting time, and he's spending time with his aunt. does she not do a good job of caring for him?

it's silly and petty to nitpick at these things. she's in the hospital (or at least recovering!) leave her alone. i wouldn't respond to my ex while i was recovering either!

Eternity807
by Bronze Member on Mar. 28, 2014 at 8:57 AM

 DH feels like he is.  DH drops him off for school on Thursday mornings.  SS 'didn't have his key' Thursday morning and no one was home when he went to drop SS off so he had to be taken to his aunts.  This has never happened before.  And then SS was there again Thursday evening.  This has also never happened before.  DH has a hard time believing he is spending that much time there when he has a new sister at home that he would normally want to be spending time with. 

Quoting leegirl_jm:

Why do you think SS is lying when he says he is not staying with his Aunt?

 

 

Eternity807
by Bronze Member on Mar. 28, 2014 at 9:01 AM

 He isn't losing parenting time but he feels like if BM is unable to care for SS (for whatever reason) he should be offered the time.  Hence the reason ROFR was put in the CO. 

It may be silly, but it does frustrate DH.  If he wanted to throw a big stink about it, he would attempt to enforce the ROFR.  Instead, he has chosen to vent to me about it.  And I've chose to vent here about it.  I feel like if she is in the hospital, it would be considerate to atleast let DH know.  She doesn't necessarily need to do it.  SF could.  Or BM's sister could as DH has been in communication with her with regards to picking up and then dropping off SS.  A simple, "Hey, BM has some stuff going on and is in the hospital right now." goes a long way.  No need to offer details. 

Quoting wise.toes:

what's the big deal? you're not losing your parenting time, and he's spending time with his aunt. does she not do a good job of caring for him?

it's silly and petty to nitpick at these things. she's in the hospital (or at least recovering!) leave her alone. i wouldn't respond to my ex while i was recovering either!

 

PumpkinSpice8
by Silver Member on Mar. 28, 2014 at 9:20 AM
1 mom liked this
Eh... I think ROFR I great for everyday things like vacations and parents needing to work. But in this case BM is under a lot of stress with a new baby and she probably feels more comfortable dealing with her sister than her ex when it comes to DS at the moment. Even if your SO is great about the situation, just talking to exes causes stress for some people. I'd let this one go.
Rocker.Mom.07
by The Savior on Mar. 28, 2014 at 9:49 AM
11 moms liked this

Hmmm...with the tables turning on ROFR and DAD wanting to use it...all the sudden it's not a big deal, leave BM alone, blah blah. I bet if BF was in the hospital and SS was with SM...you'd all be changing your tone on that one.

I would think BM would want your SS with his dad....but my SD's BM would and does keep things secret, too. Not sure what you can do other than keep trying to get intouch with her...

Eternity807
by Bronze Member on Mar. 28, 2014 at 9:52 AM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting PumpkinSpice8: Eh... I think ROFR I great for everyday things like vacations and parents needing to work. But in this case BM is under a lot of stress with a new baby and she probably feels more comfortable dealing with her sister than her ex when it comes to DS at the moment. Even if your SO is great about the situation, just talking to exes causes stress for some people. I'd let this one go.

 I agree that BM is probably under a lot of stress with the new baby but I don't feel she should be given a break because of it.  Especially considering all the things she did and the way she acted when I had my DD.  Like I said, DH isn't doing anything about it.  He's just venting to me and I'm venting here.  But I do disagree with you, ROFR is for more than everyday things and if DH was aware of a pending hospital stay (or something similar), he would definitely use it.

tiafez
by Silver Member on Mar. 28, 2014 at 10:03 AM

if he thinks he should enforce the ROFR, why isn't he? 

wise.toes
by Silver Member on Mar. 28, 2014 at 10:05 AM

no, i wouldn't.

OP's husband is turning this into a "she's ignoring me" when she very well may be, but not to be evasive. she's busy with a newborn and health concerns! 

in the big picture? Dad isn't missing time. Mom is ill and her sister is taking care of their son on her parenting time. it's working. 

i'd just leave it be.

Quoting Rocker.Mom.07:

Hmmm...with the tables turning on ROFR and DAD wanting to use it...all the sudden it's not a big deal, leave BM alone, blah blah. I bet if BF was in the hospital and SS was with SM...you'd all be changing your tone on that one.

I would think BM would want your SS with his dad....but my SD's BM would and does keep things secret, too. Not sure what you can do other than keep trying to get intouch with her...


Eternity807
by Bronze Member on Mar. 28, 2014 at 10:09 AM

 He had SS on Wednesday night.  He possibly could have enforced ROFR for Thursday.  He gets SS back tonight and SS will be with us through the weekend.  He hasn't enforced ROFR because he doesn't want to deal with all the reprecutions at this time.  If BM is still in the hospital, or SS is still with BM's sister, next week, he will likely enforce it.

Quoting tiafez:

if he thinks he should enforce the ROFR, why isn't he? 

 

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