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For the new stepmoms and the not-so-new that are sincerely seeking help

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Be careful.  Take "advice" with a grain of salt.  Listen to the ladies that are kind and offer constructive solutions.  I have seen countless women ripped to shreds in here by a group of angry bio mothers.  Women come here seeking help...some are at wits end...and they get greeted with hostility, anger and judgment.

It makes me sad to know that someone hitting rock bottom in step hell comes to a "support site" and instead of support they get devoured.

Not all groups are like this..some are kind and helpful.   

Good luck to you!

by on Mar. 29, 2014 at 1:14 PM
Replies (271-274):
twinklebites
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 2:30 PM
1 mom liked this

You do realize a lot of what was asked in threads does have meaning....Why did it take BF so long to go after custody? there are several answers 1) He doesn't want it , he is just bowing to SM, 2) he is trying to look like a good guy to the new girl even though he has been a POS for the child'slife. and TTC with some one who was uninterested din being a part of a child's life that is already here ....not the smartest idea.

 I will say if a poster uses "we"  and "mom duties" that brings out a lot of snark, sometimes its to much but we know the posters who jump on that.

 

 Of course posters still come on here to change the group dynamic rather that, I dont know find a group that "fits them???

Quoting tiffluv81:

 I do not know amanda but her advice indeed was good.

Let me give an example I think of what OP is stating.

yesterday I came in here because of some issues i am having with s/o son. So i was just browsing at first. I came across this one post about a girls b/f is going to court for his 50/50 rights with daughter. She asked what can she do basically to be that motherly figure to the soon to be sd. She stated she does not want to take the mothers place but be a good sm to the bf's daughter.

Instead they wanted to know why it took bf that long to get rights(which was not the topic) then they even told that girl that she was not fit to be a parent or the bf. TTC should be the last thing on their minds. LIke seriously she asked for advice on how to make sure the sd is comfortable yet they took the entire post in a different direction. I felt bad for that op so i defended her. Some of the post was very informative and some was merely just picking on her. This group welcome message states support and yet you get bashed.(honestly thats everywhere on this site)

I think i explained this the way i saw it. Then i was even jumped on another post for know reason.

Quoting minimoo: The fact that she is attacking Amanda of all people shows that she does not know what big girl pants are and that she is just out to complain.
Quoting HopesNDreams:
Quoting FroYoBitch:

 Exhibit A...

Quoting amanda_mom89: I think you'd be surprised to find out that most of the women in here are SMs. Not BM's. And yes, some women in here are bitches from time to time. But most of the time I see someone whining it's because they got a strong dose of reality and truth and they didn't like it. This group is not everyone's cup of tea. But if have thick skin and an open mind, it's chock full of great advice and supportive women. The women who have been successful in their step lives have overcome a lot and they didn't get there by crying that someone was mean. You have to be tough, flexible and willing to step outside your comfort zone. And that's why their advice comes like it does. I don't know where I'd be without this group. I don't always agree with everyone and sometimes a post doesn't go the way I want it to.. But this is a good group.

 

What is wrong with what she is saying that makes it 'exhibit A'? Do you dislike honesty? Directness? This is an accurate mature response. I think it is a great description of this group. I'm very confused by your attack of it...or us your attack of Amanda? That would confuse me too.

 

 

ms_amanda
by Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 2:50 PM

 I agree with most of what you say. And if you were, in fact, only telling people straight with out sugar coating it, I'd have never made my previous comment. There is a difference between telling someone straight and being just plain mean and insulting. Your first statement wasn't meant to do anything helpful. Your intention was to humiliate and belittle. Nothing good comes from these actions. Then, when I point out your blatant example, you insult me. This form of 'help' is ineffective and, based on the mentality of those who typically use these tactics, infers that you have some personal issues. Maybe you're not yourself aware of what these issues are, but, one that feels the need to rip at others typically has a fairly sad soul.

If you feel the need to judge others, you have to have their whole story before doing so. Maybe there was trauma, maybe abuse, maybe a lot of horrid things happened to that person who chooses drugs or alcohol. Addicts don't become addicts because it looks like 'fun'. If you yourself don't know what path someone walked, restrain from judging them. You can 'tell someone straight' without passing judgment.

I may have never personally walked that path, but I know of a few who have. It's not an easy route. The fact that she is clean today speaks volumes. Many addicts never get to that point. Maybe she isn't as flawless some, but, restrain from knocking her down because, although you see her as a failure, in actuality, she is a success for over coming her demons and getting clean. Like many of us, she is not perfect. We are all works in progress. Just because you've progressed further then someone else does not give you the right to shit on them.

Quoting GlockMom:

I'm not up.  I don't need to be told down girl.  I'm actually very relaxed 99% of the time.  Why?  Because I don't have step issues.  I have very few major life issues, really.  Well, life issues that bother me personally.  Not anymore.  I credit that greatly to some of the ladies here.  I needed a boot to the ass, not empathy or sympathy.  I needed to be flat out told DON'T DO THAT about a lot of the things some of you people are being empathetic about and softly telling someone something they don't want to hear, they won't hear.  It was damaging to me and my family. 

But, I agree.  There are good people here.  But some things you can't be empathetic about.  I can't be empathetic about a woman who abandoned her own kids and was a wretched mother feeling like she is better to raise BM kids.  If you abandon your kids you have no business downgrading anyone else's mothering.  You also shouldn't have any babies in the future either.  I think it's shitty.  I'm not willing to empathize with that.  I'm not willing to say "yes BM is a PITA"  when BF has not seen the child in 8 months, waits until the very end of March to give a fuck about what is going on school and is far enough behind in CS that the government has seized his tax return.  I can't be empathetic to that.  I can be empathetic to A LOT of things.  Some of the delusional stuff in this group lately.......nope.  Sorries.

My advice is easy.  Stop doing things to add to your own misery.  It's not mean, I genuinely am NOT a mean person.  I am happy, I would love for everyone to be happy and not live the unhappy, chaotic clusterfuck I went through.  If BM doesn't want to deal with you....don't deal with her.  If the kid doesn't mind you when you babysit....don't babysit.  Best advice I ever got came from here.....If it hurts, don't do it.  As a SP the only thing you are required to do is to do no harm.

Quoting ms_amanda: Wow, down girl! LOL What you consider defensiveness is actually this human nature thing called empathy. You know, where you actually remove yourself from your high horse for a moment and attempt to see a scenario from someone else's perspective. I never said I dislike this group. There some good people here that are real dolls. And I won't be going elsewhere my dear.
Quoting GlockMom: You are welcome to your opinion. But there is nothing wrong with this group. If you don't like the dynamics feel free to somewhere else. And no. I haven't walked her path. I have never abandoned my kids to go "find myself". Maybe you have walked her path? That would explain your defensiveness?
Quoting ms_amanda:

 This response right here is what's wrong with this group!!! Why in the hell would you post that? Even if it was true, sheesh! Childish much?! Does this make you feel good? Make you feel powerful? You've obviously never walked in her path, so you have no clue what her struggles are. You just blatantly proved her point. Thank you!

I've learned who the bullies are of this group. Kind of reminds me of Jr. High! My hopes are that their children will not choose to follow their leads.. (thank God for anit-bully campaigns in school, huh? Their children have a chance.) With this group, for every 2 angry spiteful individuals, there's a good one who may offer advice and insights that are helpful. You just got to ignore the immature individuals that feel a constant need to rip others down in order to feel better about whatever they lack in their daily lives. Takes a thick skin, for sure!

Quoting GlockMom: OP, how is that pregnancy going? Maybe you will actually be able to raise this child since you have found yourself? Unless....ummm....baby is special needs. Oh well, if so that is where grandma will come in.

 

 

GlockMom
by Platinum Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 3:45 PM

The FEW.....and I mean FEW.....people I rip into really deserve it.  You should go do some research.  If I am ripping into a person they deserve it.  I honestly admit, have many times, there are characters I come across here and IRL that I have no interntions of being nice to.  I'm not warm and fuzzy just to be warm and fuzzy.

And FYI, I know LOTS of people who had horribly traumatic lives who are as clean and sober as I am.  I know plenty of people who had junkie or drunken sot parents who never touched anything.  This excuse is like excusing the child molester because he was molested as a child.

So I shouldn't judge her as a person, but she herself is claiming to be better than BM?  Isn't she being a hypocrite?  What is wrong with calling someone out on the fact that they are in fact no better than the woman they are running roughshod over regarding that woman's kids?  I agree that its great she may have found a better path.  It's not great that she now wants to take over another woman's kids because she didn't raise her own.

Quoting ms_amanda:

 I agree with most of what you say. And if you were, in fact, only telling people straight with out sugar coating it, I'd have never made my previous comment. There is a difference between telling someone straight and being just plain mean and insulting. Your first statement wasn't meant to do anything helpful. Your intention was to humiliate and belittle. Nothing good comes from these actions. Then, when I point out your blatant example, you insult me. This form of 'help' is ineffective and, based on the mentality of those who typically use these tactics, infers that you have some personal issues. Maybe you're not yourself aware of what these issues are, but, one that feels the need to rip at others typically has a fairly sad soul.

If you feel the need to judge others, you have to have their whole story before doing so. Maybe there was trauma, maybe abuse, maybe a lot of horrid things happened to that person who chooses drugs or alcohol. Addicts don't become addicts because it looks like 'fun'. If you yourself don't know what path someone walked, restrain from judging them. You can 'tell someone straight' without passing judgment.

I may have never personally walked that path, but I know of a few who have. It's not an easy route. The fact that she is clean today speaks volumes. Many addicts never get to that point. Maybe she isn't as flawless some, but, restrain from knocking her down because, although you see her as a failure, in actuality, she is a success for over coming her demons and getting clean. Like many of us, she is not perfect. We are all works in progress. Just because you've progressed further then someone else does not give you the right to shit on them.

Quoting GlockMom:

I'm not up.  I don't need to be told down girl.  I'm actually very relaxed 99% of the time.  Why?  Because I don't have step issues.  I have very few major life issues, really.  Well, life issues that bother me personally.  Not anymore.  I credit that greatly to some of the ladies here.  I needed a boot to the ass, not empathy or sympathy.  I needed to be flat out told DON'T DO THAT about a lot of the things some of you people are being empathetic about and softly telling someone something they don't want to hear, they won't hear.  It was damaging to me and my family. 

But, I agree.  There are good people here.  But some things you can't be empathetic about.  I can't be empathetic about a woman who abandoned her own kids and was a wretched mother feeling like she is better to raise BM kids.  If you abandon your kids you have no business downgrading anyone else's mothering.  You also shouldn't have any babies in the future either.  I think it's shitty.  I'm not willing to empathize with that.  I'm not willing to say "yes BM is a PITA"  when BF has not seen the child in 8 months, waits until the very end of March to give a fuck about what is going on school and is far enough behind in CS that the government has seized his tax return.  I can't be empathetic to that.  I can be empathetic to A LOT of things.  Some of the delusional stuff in this group lately.......nope.  Sorries.

My advice is easy.  Stop doing things to add to your own misery.  It's not mean, I genuinely am NOT a mean person.  I am happy, I would love for everyone to be happy and not live the unhappy, chaotic clusterfuck I went through.  If BM doesn't want to deal with you....don't deal with her.  If the kid doesn't mind you when you babysit....don't babysit.  Best advice I ever got came from here.....If it hurts, don't do it.  As a SP the only thing you are required to do is to do no harm.


ms_amanda
by Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 4:01 PM
1 mom liked this

 I am only going by what I was reading, specifically on this thread. I obviously don't know you from a hole in the ground, and I don't presume you to be a horrid person. This original thread did not depict an exact scenario, just a general opinion. And your comment seemed pretty harsh. Regardless of your history with who you directed that comment to, I found it in poor taste.

I really do like this group. I have reached out for input in my personal experiences, and have recieved info that helped me to manage my family. I don't for a second dislike this group. But it does irk me how some people throw insults around freely in here. It just seems so immature. I'm not speaking of you, particularly. But I know you know what I mean.

I hate to sound so redundant, but, unless you've walked a mile, you really do not know what it's like. I'm not saying anyone with trauma should use it as an excuse to become an addict. No one wants to be an addict. Although I was raised in a home with tons of abuse and abandonment, I did not become an addict. But, I don't feel this gives me any type of pass to shit on others who went down the wrong path. Or throw their shit back into their faces online when I run out of other types of verbal ammo.

Quoting GlockMom:

The FEW.....and I mean FEW.....people I rip into really deserve it.  You should go do some research.  If I am ripping into a person they deserve it.  I honestly admit, have many times, there are characters I come across here and IRL that I have no interntions of being nice to.  I'm not warm and fuzzy just to be warm and fuzzy.

And FYI, I know LOTS of people who had horribly traumatic lives who are as clean and sober as I am.  I know plenty of people who had junkie or drunken sot parents who never touched anything.  This excuse is like excusing the child molester because he was molested as a child.

So I shouldn't judge her as a person, but she herself is claiming to be better than BM?  Isn't she being a hypocrite?  What is wrong with calling someone out on the fact that they are in fact no better than the woman they are running roughshod over regarding that woman's kids?  I agree that its great she may have found a better path.  It's not great that she now wants to take over another woman's kids because she didn't raise her own.

Quoting ms_amanda:

 I agree with most of what you say. And if you were, in fact, only telling people straight with out sugar coating it, I'd have never made my previous comment. There is a difference between telling someone straight and being just plain mean and insulting. Your first statement wasn't meant to do anything helpful. Your intention was to humiliate and belittle. Nothing good comes from these actions. Then, when I point out your blatant example, you insult me. This form of 'help' is ineffective and, based on the mentality of those who typically use these tactics, infers that you have some personal issues. Maybe you're not yourself aware of what these issues are, but, one that feels the need to rip at others typically has a fairly sad soul.

If you feel the need to judge others, you have to have their whole story before doing so. Maybe there was trauma, maybe abuse, maybe a lot of horrid things happened to that person who chooses drugs or alcohol. Addicts don't become addicts because it looks like 'fun'. If you yourself don't know what path someone walked, restrain from judging them. You can 'tell someone straight' without passing judgment.

I may have never personally walked that path, but I know of a few who have. It's not an easy route. The fact that she is clean today speaks volumes. Many addicts never get to that point. Maybe she isn't as flawless some, but, restrain from knocking her down because, although you see her as a failure, in actuality, she is a success for over coming her demons and getting clean. Like many of us, she is not perfect. We are all works in progress. Just because you've progressed further then someone else does not give you the right to shit on them.

Quoting GlockMom:

I'm not up.  I don't need to be told down girl.  I'm actually very relaxed 99% of the time.  Why?  Because I don't have step issues.  I have very few major life issues, really.  Well, life issues that bother me personally.  Not anymore.  I credit that greatly to some of the ladies here.  I needed a boot to the ass, not empathy or sympathy.  I needed to be flat out told DON'T DO THAT about a lot of the things some of you people are being empathetic about and softly telling someone something they don't want to hear, they won't hear.  It was damaging to me and my family. 

But, I agree.  There are good people here.  But some things you can't be empathetic about.  I can't be empathetic about a woman who abandoned her own kids and was a wretched mother feeling like she is better to raise BM kids.  If you abandon your kids you have no business downgrading anyone else's mothering.  You also shouldn't have any babies in the future either.  I think it's shitty.  I'm not willing to empathize with that.  I'm not willing to say "yes BM is a PITA"  when BF has not seen the child in 8 months, waits until the very end of March to give a fuck about what is going on school and is far enough behind in CS that the government has seized his tax return.  I can't be empathetic to that.  I can be empathetic to A LOT of things.  Some of the delusional stuff in this group lately.......nope.  Sorries.

My advice is easy.  Stop doing things to add to your own misery.  It's not mean, I genuinely am NOT a mean person.  I am happy, I would love for everyone to be happy and not live the unhappy, chaotic clusterfuck I went through.  If BM doesn't want to deal with you....don't deal with her.  If the kid doesn't mind you when you babysit....don't babysit.  Best advice I ever got came from here.....If it hurts, don't do it.  As a SP the only thing you are required to do is to do no harm.

 

 

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