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Hi all!! I am in need of assistance!! Here is some info about me and my family :)

Posted by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 8:08 AM
  • 37 Replies
Currently my fiancé and I moved in together June of 2013. I brought two daughters with me. They just turned 8 and 10. He just got full custody of his daughter who is 10 in October of 2013 and she officially moved in completely during Christmas break. I have a great relationship with his daughter Payton. He has a great relationship with my older daughter Anastasia and has a good relationship with my other child Bella. Both my girls have some major trust issues with male figures because their father is constantly a let down, but Ryan, my fiancé, is the closest they've come to trusting anyone as much as they trust me. Payton and Anastasia get along pretty well 95% of the time. Bella and Payton probably 70%.
by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 8:08 AM
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Cassieryan2012
by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 8:22 AM
Not sure where all of this is supposed to go, I'm sorry! To get to the issue, Bella can be bossy and manipulative and my SD Payton can also be very bossy and manipulative. Yesterday Payton asked to talk to me alone, I said ok, she said she want "distance" from Bella for at least a week. I told her she was asking for a much bigger thing than she realized sent her inside, called her dad out and told him. We spoke, went inside, sat all the kids down, and explained that no one was being punished but that Payton had made a choice so we were going to separate them for a week. Bella was devastated. Anastasia was ultimately devastated. Later Anastasia and Bella were out riding bikes and Payton went out to try and get involved, I told her she couldn't. She gave a smug smile and said she knew happily and went on to do something else to distract Anastasia. Ultimately, both of my two were crying about how this isn't fair or right and they can't do it and Payton looks like she's on top of the world. Now I'm realizing it was the wrong choice but here is where I need help!!! What do we do????? I'm really upset! She is happy about hurting Anastasia and Bella. If that were to be said to her, she would turn on the tears and act like she had no idea she hurt anyone.


Please help!!!!
amantonacci
by Platinum Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 8:25 AM
Why when she was going outside to play with the girls didn't you just let her go? If she really wants space she will stay away from her when she's had enough being around them. Does she have her own room?
kmur
by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 8:34 AM
1 mom liked this
This......if Peyton has her own room , then when she wants "space" she can go to HER room for space

Quoting amantonacci: Why when she was going outside to play with the girls didn't you just let her go? If she really wants space she will stay away from her when she's had enough being around them. Does she have her own room?
chanizen
by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 8:35 AM
1 mom liked this

What was her reason for wanting distance?  What kind of distance did she want?

It sounds like sd has found a way to be the center of attention.  And it isn't a positive one.  I would tell sd that she can choose distance by removing herself from certain situations.  But she needs to remove herself.  

in some ways it is normal for kids to fight over the affections of a younger sibling.  But it is not ok for sd to try to separate your dds.  Perhaps giving sd some one on one time it's dad and having you spend time with your kids wuld give sd some extra attention and keep the relations ship with your kids solid.  

Another thought is tht sd is doing this because she is so uncomfortable and feels like an outsider.  So she is breaking things apart so they can include her better.  Maybe her real struggle is to feel MORE included but she doesn't know how to effectively do that.  So her "tactic". (probably not an intentional one) is to exclude Bella so she can be included instead.  

Maybe some counselling for sd would help her get her real feelings out and provide her with an outlet.  That is a lot of change for a kid...

What is dh's take on the situation.

Quoting Cassieryan2012: Not sure where all of this is supposed to go, I'm sorry! To get to the issue, Bella can be bossy and manipulative and my SD Payton can also be very bossy and manipulative. Yesterday Payton asked to talk to me alone, I said ok, she said she want "distance" from Bella for at least a week. I told her she was asking for a much bigger thing than she realized sent her inside, called her dad out and told him. We spoke, went inside, sat all the kids down, and explained that no one was being punished but that Payton had made a choice so we were going to separate them for a week. Bella was devastated. Anastasia was ultimately devastated. Later Anastasia and Bella were out riding bikes and Payton went out to try and get involved, I told her she couldn't. She gave a smug smile and said she knew happily and went on to do something else to distract Anastasia. Ultimately, both of my two were crying about how this isn't fair or right and they can't do it and Payton looks like she's on top of the world. Now I'm realizing it was the wrong choice but here is where I need help!!! What do we do????? I'm really upset! She is happy about hurting Anastasia and Bella. If that were to be said to her, she would turn on the tears and act like she had no idea she hurt anyone. Please help!!!!


Cassieryan2012
by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 8:36 AM
Yes she has her own room, my two share. I did let her go out there but she wanted us to honor these wishes...which are wrong...Bella feels punished and abandoned again...I don't know how to fix it.
Cassieryan2012
by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 8:41 AM
Chanizen and kmur thank you, that helps, chanizen that sounds identical to her. And yes, she is in counseling, but there are lots of issues to work on.
Cassieryan2012
by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 8:44 AM
Oh and his take I think is lost like mine was...however he was thinking it's not as big of a deal as what I think it is and thought we should force it to continue for a week to show her that it's not what she wants. I think that might completely backfire...and my two are getting hurt for no reason in the process.
kmur
by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 8:52 AM
But your two are getting hurt ... IMO, I would let her have her "space" in her room for now . Ask her therapist what should happen, maybe she has an idea. But your girls shouldn't suffer because SD wants space from one of them. I believe in fairness. And what's good for one kid is good for all all.

Quoting Cassieryan2012: Oh and his take I think is lost like mine was...however he was thinking it's not as big of a deal as what I think it is and thought we should force it to continue for a week to show her that it's not what she wants. I think that might completely backfire...and my two are getting hurt for no reason in the process.
chanizen
by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 9:03 AM
1 mom liked this

If you hit the "quote" button, people will know you are talking back to them.

I actually agree with dh.  To an extent.  

My ss and dd fight over ydd's attention.  Some here is what I do:  I set up time for dd and ydd to have alone time.  My ss has a disorder and the oldest dd will not stay in the room when he acts up,so he sometimes "wins". To mitigate that, there are some activities for the girls alone.  

I would also, in your case, make it plain that Payton can join the two girls, but would not be allowed to carve the younger one off and shut the older one out.  That may be as simple as saying "no, Payton, you will not be allowed to exclude bella or anastasia.  As the adult here, I have decided we will (pick activity here). Not ride bikes or do (whatever Payton proposed).  Whoever is not able to participate, can have some time in their room to reset.

I use that a lot.

Quoting Cassieryan2012: Oh and his take I think is lost like mine was...however he was thinking it's not as big of a deal as what I think it is and thought we should force it to continue for a week to show her that it's not what she wants. I think that might completely backfire...and my two are getting hurt for no reason in the process.


tiafez
by Platinum Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 9:24 AM

you've already gotten the reply/advice I'd have given. I have a question though, do you think she wants "alone time" from one in the hopes that she can then claim the other and keep the first out of the picture? example: she wants alone time from daughter A and then might claim daughter B and gleefully exclude or deny daughter A from playing with her sister too? Using alone time to get one daughter to exclude the other? 

(did that make sense).

if so maybe reminding her that alone time means time to be alone not time to join in, then procede to use it to kick one sister out of the fun things they're doing?

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