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Need some different perspective

Posted by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 10:46 PM
  • 32 Replies
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I just do not get it. Xh has a new gf, they have been together less than 1 year, she has 3 kids. Ever since, he has less and less time for dd. In our situation, our time is our business, daycare and school information is supposed to be shared. I do this, he does not, I drop the issue cause it's a hill I'm not dying on. 

Anyway, extracarricular's, I enroll her without his consent, I also do not ask him to help pay for it. If I need help, I give notice, we discuss, but it's usually a dead horse discussion so I just enroll her and just "know" on his time, if he chooses to get her there, AWESOME. If not, o well, she hates it and well, she's old enough to know what's going on so I just give him the schedule and let it be. She knows he shows up to gf's kids stuff, but not to dd's stuff. 

Here's what I need the perspective on, did any of your xh's slowly slip out of interest in your kids lives like this? He used to show to all games on his time and some on my time, help with expenses without a fight, and even offer help etc.  

I'm NOT blaming gf by no means. I'm blaming HIM. I don't know, maybe I'm to blame?? I don't know how though. The only difference in the activities this year was basketball. She's played softball for a few years and I've always given him heads up on fee's-at least, as much notice as I got, where I would need help, and what equipment was needed. 

So I need perspective on why anyone would suddenly lose interest in their own child and throw fits because they have "other kids" to think about when they are newly dating?

This is not a bashing post.

I just need some perspective.

by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 10:46 PM
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by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 10:53 PM

Too bad for him because he is missing out on time with your daughter.  Does he have trouble setting boundaries and standing up for himself?

You have a really healthy outlook on this.

I can't speak to having an x that lost interest.  I guess you do your best to support your daughter cause you can't control what your x does or doesn't do.

Hugs to your daughter...this must be really hard for her.

by Gold Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 10:56 PM
My exh has been guilty of this. He getting better. It's something I have seen friends do. Even custodial ones. I can't say I understand it.
In the past when exh has been really bad about it, I have just made sure to remain consistent on my end and to continue to provide him the opportunity to be involved. You can't make his decisions for him, you can only control the environment on your end.
by on Mar. 30, 2014 at 11:01 PM
More info please. How old is your daughter? How many activities are going on? What is the schedule? What is the schedule and situation with the other kids? Do.they live together? How many activities is he missing, is he taking your daughter or skipping entirely all the time and what are the reasons he is giving? Do you know what his schedule is like work wise?
by Platinum Member on Mar. 30, 2014 at 11:50 PM
Yes. BM has done this. It Got a little better my then she had her littlest. Now she does not contact these guys any more. They always have to contact her.
by Ruby Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 12:05 AM

I don't know but I read on another forum, ivillage I believe, where someone said it was beacuse it was easier, the other kids are right there while, some effort, no matter how minor, is required for the old kids.

Career Woman, Wife and Mother of Two Children, a Girl and a Boy.

by Ruby Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 12:51 AM
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This is my personal experience. Not only as a child of divorce but also as a mother of a child of divorce. It's difficult for some to balance the two. Their 'live in' family and their 'visiting' family. Hell it's hard for me to juggle two kids with different activities and these are MY kids. My ds had baseball at 9 in one city, dd had to be at band at 9 in another city, perform at 1045 at another location, and then ds had soccer pictures at 11 and a game at 12. We had to divide and conquer AND I had to enlist the help of another mother to get my dd to where she needed to be and then I met them there. Dh had to handle getting ds to his pictures (first time ever I was not present for pictures) and then I was about 5 minutes late to the soccer game. BUT I managed to see both games and the band performance. If one is not willing to make the effort or the distance is too far to make the effort then they aren't going to do it. It's easier for some to be active with the kids that live with them because they are there/present. It might be just as easy to miss the kid that doesn't live with them because they miss so much anyway. I don't know.

My ex has not attended a single band performance ever. And hasn't attended a dance recital in 7 years. But he will NOT miss his stepdaughter's activities. He is active in her life and I assume because she lives with him. He knows I'm there for dd so he doesn't worry about it. He feels he needs to be there for his wife's daughter because she doesn't have anyone.

Right or wrong I don't know. It's just my experience.
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by Platinum Member on Mar. 31, 2014 at 1:05 AM
My XH isn't involved in the boys ECs anymore. He used to be quite involved in ODSs EC but SM didn't like it, I think she was afraid he'd leave her for me or something but it would have been a dead end if he'd tried. This happened before he and SM moved over am hour away. His choice to be uninvolved.

The boys don't miss him being involved and I don't complain (much) because he DOES allow them to participate, even if/when things fall on his time. I don't control the EC schedules but if I KNOW something only falls on his time I'll discuss it with him first and he'll talk to the boy who wants to do it to see how important it is to them.

I'd save money of BF was involved but oh well.

I also think that SM didn't want him involved because they didn't have kids themselves and she wanted him home all the time, not out with the boys. She didn't like him paying for things either. He wanted to still get laid so he did as she wishes. Again, just my thoughts.

SO remained the main one to keep his kids involved until his XW changed their activities to things he couldn't be involved in (time wise) and his circumstances changed as well. At least she stepped up to keep them involved in something though. SO didn't see it that way but I'm on the outside and can look at it that way.
by on Mar. 31, 2014 at 7:28 AM
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I don't know. My Ex was never very involved (never went to ECs or school things), but when his girlfriend moved in, he stopped taking his EOWE. I dont' know if it was her influence or not. What can you do, some fathers are just not interested.

by on Mar. 31, 2014 at 8:02 AM
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Once my husband remarried he became less involved with our boys. They have a couple of kids together and she has one child from a previous relationship. I think in part its because more children means splitting your time more and requires less effort to be with the kids you live with. Completely does not justify it IMHO.
by on Mar. 31, 2014 at 8:21 AM

Have you told him what you're saying here in the same tone and just asked him?

What is his relationship like with DD right now and how old is she?

I can think of many reasons that a parent might back off.  It might be a reason, it's not an excuse.

It flat out could be the GF's influence.  Some women are awfully quick to try to cut off their partner from children from a previous marriage both time wise and financially.

From a time standpoint:

It could be that he's so wrapped in showing this GF what a great partner he can be to her that he's overcommitted to attending/helping with her kids' activities--especially if they're living together.  That would be my best guess and is easy enough to remedy if he's made aware of the impact it's having on his DD.

It could be that his work schedule has changed and he can't make it to certain things.

It could be that he has gotten the impression that he's not wanted at the activities.


It could be that where he once was free to go above and beyond with expenses, he can't anymore because of a change in financial status OR because he's helping support his GF and her kids. 

It could be that he's getting pressure from GF not to pay for extras.  A lot of people seem to think that CS should cover everything.

I guess if I were in your shoes and it was affecting my child negatively, I'd have a conversation with him.  Not at the moment you're asking him to chip in on something or while you're dropping off an activity schedule.  But during a time when there's nothing else going on.

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