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how to deal

Posted by on Apr. 1, 2014 at 1:24 AM
  • 15 Replies

i love my husband dearly, but when is enough enough??  we have 4 children, 2 from my first marriage, 1 from his and 1 together.  he is very strict with my 2 and with our 1, but not at all with his daughter.  ive been begging him for the past two years to treat her the same as the other kids or we will have behaviors with her, well guess what?!  we have massive behaviors.  she is 4 1/2, we have to tell her to eat (literally "take a bite, take another bite", we cant go to the bathroom without her pounding on the door, we cant help the other kids with homework or even talk to the other kids without her getting jealous, she wont follow rules, she hits kicks and bites, she makes for certain she is the center of attention at all costs.  my children are miserable.  i cant hold my daughter's hand without sd pushing her out of the way.  on top of it all my husbands ex is worthless.. i have sd most of the time, i take her to the doctor, i deal with her school and teachers, i take her to daycare, i do baths, take her for haircuts, school shopping....ect  i did all the court paperwork for custody and child support.  i dealt with the lawyer when fighting for custody.  i did all this stuff for my husband and sd because i love them, but when is enough enough?  i begged him to step up the discipline, i begged him to put her in counciling.  nothing is changing.

i recently started online classes for an advanced degree in my field.  im that much more stressed.  my husband makes comments about how he is sick of me doing homework because i dont give him enough attention.  he was mad at me this weekend because i HAD to work all weekend.  i had this job when we met.  i work every other weekend.  i feel like he makes me feel guilty for having a career!!  not to mention he is not helping around the house at all.  i am so behind on housework and getting behind on school work.  what would you do????  when i try to talk to him he just gets angry and tells me he can't handle me threatening to leave.

by on Apr. 1, 2014 at 1:24 AM
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Replies (1-10):
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 1:33 AM
2 moms liked this
Oy! It sounds like you and hubs need to have a sit down. Have you tried marriage counseling? Maybe a third party to help get your side of things out on the table would benefit?

I do have to comment about the 4 year old behavior. Aside from the biting... She sounds pretty normal. She may not be similar to your children but you have to keep in mind, kids are different. My two children came from the same mommy and have been raised mostly the same and they are polar opposites.

Dad needs to start being a dad to his child. All of the things you listed that you do or have done - that's ridiculous that he didn't do any of that while fighting for custody. Seems like you were more the one doing it all and he was just sitting back watching you do all the leg work.

Maybe a frying pan to the head?

Haha kidding
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AtillaTheHun
by facta, non verba on Apr. 1, 2014 at 3:09 AM
What she said. Plus the frying pan. :-D

Quoting momof2ex1: Oy! It sounds like you and hubs need to have a sit down. Have you tried marriage counseling? Maybe a third party to help get your side of things out on the table would benefit?

I do have to comment about the 4 year old behavior. Aside from the biting... She sounds pretty normal. She may not be similar to your children but you have to keep in mind, kids are different. My two children came from the same mommy and have been raised mostly the same and they are polar opposites.

Dad needs to start being a dad to his child. All of the things you listed that you do or have done - that's ridiculous that he didn't do any of that while fighting for custody. Seems like you were more the one doing it all and he was just sitting back watching you do all the leg work.

Maybe a frying pan to the head?

Haha kidding
owl0210
by Bronze Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 7:59 AM
1 mom liked this
He needs to step up and take care of his daughter and if he doesn't want to commit to counseling and helping you out then you have some major decisions to make. All this stress is not healthy for you.
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whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 8:07 AM

When you were the driving force fighting for custody, you gave up the right to complain about "doing all the work." You made your bed.

MommySabs
by Gold Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 8:07 AM
1 mom liked this
Seems like dad needs to wake up and step up. You guys have 4 kids in the house, he needs to be an active parent.
HopesNDreams
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 8:13 AM
What are the ages for all of all the children? It would be easier to understand the dynamics. How often is SD with her BM?

If she is extremely attention seeking, you can use that in your favor to alter her behavior. Give her zero attention for inappropriate behavior and tons of attention for appropriate behavior - you may have to search for it a bit at first. If you are telling her to eat bite by bite at a meal, for heavens sake, stop! If the child is hungry, she will eat. When meal time is over, remove her plate. If it is still full, save it. She can try it again, by herself without any attention in an hour or whenever she says she is hungry. She will learn quickly to eat when it is mealtime. If she is grabbing your hand from another child, tell her 'no'. If your other hand is available offer that one. If not, offer a hand when you have one available. If she tantrums, ignore it!!!! No conversation and certainly do not hold her hand to get her to stop!

Children engage in negative behaviors for one simple reason: they work. When they stop working, the children stop doing them. However, the problem here will not be stopping SD, it will be stopping your DH.
whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 8:19 AM

Another case of a SM who wants to take the child away from her mother and then once she has her, she no longer wants her.

What did you think would happen when you "did all the paperwork" for custody? You knew your husband wasnt' up to the job of being a parent to this little girl. You also must have known that the custody switch itself would cause the very behavioral issues you're describing. If you weren't up to this task, why did you take it on?

Maybe it's not too late to send the child back to her mother.

kellynh
by Kelly on Apr. 1, 2014 at 9:32 AM

Lol, you forgot today is April 1st. ;) 

Quoting whatIknownow:

Another case of a SM who wants to take the child away from her mother and then once she has her, she no longer wants her.

What did you think would happen when you "did all the paperwork" for custody? You knew your husband wasnt' up to the job of being a parent to this little girl. You also must have known that the custody switch itself would cause the very behavioral issues you're describing. If you weren't up to this task, why did you take it on?

Maybe it's not too late to send the child back to her mother.


tiafez
by Silver Member on Apr. 1, 2014 at 9:46 AM

spot on, I can't add to this great advice! 

(other than to say I have a spare frying pan should you need it)

Quoting momof2ex1: Oy! It sounds like you and hubs need to have a sit down. Have you tried marriage counseling? Maybe a third party to help get your side of things out on the table would benefit? I do have to comment about the 4 year old behavior. Aside from the biting... She sounds pretty normal. She may not be similar to your children but you have to keep in mind, kids are different. My two children came from the same mommy and have been raised mostly the same and they are polar opposites. Dad needs to start being a dad to his child. All of the things you listed that you do or have done - that's ridiculous that he didn't do any of that while fighting for custody. Seems like you were more the one doing it all and he was just sitting back watching you do all the leg work. Maybe a frying pan to the head? Haha kidding


1MightyWoman
by on Apr. 1, 2014 at 9:55 AM

Watch the SuperNanny--might help:)  I had to deal with a 10-year-old that threw temper tantrums.  I made him stay in his room until he was able to talk.  Basically gave him no attention for bad behavior and lots for good, as another mom said in her post.  Consistency is key and prepping the child about behavior and consequences helps.  Enlist the support of your husband and work as a team. 

Sounds like you both need counseling to learn how to parent together and still have quality time to show love and caring for eachother.  Once you get the 4-year-old under control, I would advise you to start making regular "together" time with your husband.  Get a baby sitter or family to sit for you so you can go out and enjoy yourselves.  Also, the book Real Love is something I recommend everyone read.

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