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I need advice dealing with my dh's ex wife...

Posted by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 10:59 AM
  • 53 Replies
I may get bashed and told we are in the wrong...idk. I felt that way for awhile but really it's not about who is right or wrong, it's about the kids.

I'll try to make this short but there is a lot to it so here goes...

When dh and I were dating he was ordered to pay 1200/mo. He didn't pay much out of spite, very stupid and I gave him my opinion on that. When everything was finally settled he ended up being 8k in arrears but has now paid that down to 1300. Sometime in there his pay was cut in half and he lost his job so his support was modified to 640/mo plus 250 towards arrears totally 900/mo. He has never found a job making the money he previously made not for lack of trying. Still for the most part he has been able to comfortably pay support plus extras that are not court ordered (sports fees, school supplies, clothing, a bike kept at her house for the oldest, their oldest cellphone bill, etc). With support being 1/3 or more of his income it's still easy to get behind. In the past four years he's missed 3k worth of payments. Not all subsequent, spread out. Half of that was during a job change since he was offered a better job with benefits. I would like to mention that his ex previously listed her income as much lower than it was and there was no mention of the 132 overnights he gets them a year. In our state those two things make an impact on the amount he pays but since he couldn't afford a lawyer he got screwed.

That's a little backstory on why I guess she is so angry with him and considers him a deadbeat. But that's not even the real issue here. The issue is she attempts to make our lives hell and puts the kids in the middle of it all. She refuses to compromise on anything such as transportation. For instance, a few weeks ago I picked up two of the kids for visitation. The other two decided to stay home for whatever reason but decided they wanted to come Sunday afternoon, we were taking them home the next morning. She called and told us to pick them up. We asked if she could drop them off since we were in the middle if an activity with the other two. She refused and things escalated. She told the two with her their father didn't want to get them and then out of spite she came and picked up the other two. We didn't want to make a scene so sort of stayed quiet through it all. I do most of the transportation because dh works 60+ hours. I was very upset about all this because there have been many times I've dropped what I was doing to pick up the kids or drop them off because she couldn't or didn't want to. I guess I got to a point where enough was enough so I let her know I would no longer do those things. She replied, "you don't help me out, you help out dh and that's your job".

Before I start rambling, my point is I don't want to engage in power struggles with her but I don't want to be taken advantage of either. It's not just this situation....there are many where I feel she attempts to control our household. She schedules appts and other things during dh's time, talks through the kids (even when it comes to support), and using the kids as guilt trips when she wants us to do something she doesn't want to do and we are unable to do. She uses the fact dh is unavailable against him a lot but hello he is working and trying to pay support.

I just don't understand the hostility. I understand the frustration with money especially since she just bought a big house she can't really afford but I still don't see why everything must be made difficult. It's all a nightmare and everyone is miserable including the kids. I don't know how to handle this! I know it's not my business but she drags me into it all. I try to help out and suddenly it's MY responsibility.

What can we do? I've suggested going back to court or mediation and getting everything in writing since things have changed and there will be no disagreement. Also, doing a wage assignment so it automatically comes from his check instead of being badgered or having the kids ask how much she is getting each week.

I hope I don't sound awful. I don't mean to, I'm just stressed out and sick of it.
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 10:59 AM
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Replies (1-10):
owl0210
by Bronze Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 11:16 AM
1 mom liked this
It's not your problem so stop allowing her to "drag" you into anything. This is your husband's problem but I can understand her frustration about the child support. Him not paying out of spite was bullshit and only hurts the kids.
WickedPissah
by Cup Cakes on Apr. 3, 2014 at 11:19 AM
Don't deal with her, don't talk, text or email her.
Your dh can deal with her.
Making appts, you have to take what's given.
Your dh created his own arrears.
amantonacci
by Platinum Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 11:23 AM
1 mom liked this
Don't talk to her and don't deal with her let your husband take care of it... He's part of the problem let him figure out his own solution
FreedomTruth
by Bronze Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 11:25 AM

Who is ordered to transport? I will agree with her that you are helping DH not BM when it comes to anything. When I make appointments and such I call and they tell me a day and time.  

MamaBear131716
by Bronze Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 11:30 AM
1 mom liked this
I totally understand that. At times I get angry because had he paid back then like he was supposed to he wouldn't be in this mess. I want it caught up so it's no longer a stressor. Obviously whether I want it to or not, his financial issues do affect me.

It's hard not to be dragged into certain situations when dh is working and the kids are with me. I don't want to refuse but I'd like more control over my life as well. I guess really the issue is being caught in the crossfire between dh and his ex. How do I get out of that without hurting the kids? I just want to scream at them both and say figure all this out because we are all sick of the fighting.

Quoting owl0210: It's not your problem so stop allowing her to "drag" you into anything. This is your husband's problem but I can understand her frustration about the child support. Him not paying out of spite was bullshit and only hurts the kids.
ladybugchick317
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 11:32 AM
1 mom liked this

 We went through the same thing with bm trying to control everything. We finally were able to get full custody of the kids (different issue) and told her that we were done with all of it and that we would go by the custody papers and that we would meet halfway between her house and ours. We told her if she didn't show up that we would take the kids home and that she would have to wait until the next scheduled visitation to see them (she was bad about changing arrangements last minute to so that was reason for part of this) and that if she didn't have them back at the meeting place at the time discussed that we would have her arrested for noncustodial kidnapping. We made sure to have the police with us at exchanges because when she would show up on time she would cause problems. We did, however, tell her that if she was going to be late (no more than 20 minutes) that we would wait as long as she called our cells to tell us she was running late.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 11:36 AM

You don't have to be dragged into anything. You can opt out of all transportation and let the two of them figure it out. You can take yourself out of the crossfire. How would that hurt the kids?

MamaBear131716
by Bronze Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 11:36 AM
The receiving parent but since they are in school I take them. I pick them up friday and drop them off mon morning. Then he picks them up wed and i drop them off thurs.

Quoting FreedomTruth:

Who is ordered to transport? I will agree with her that you are helping DH not BM when it comes to anything. When I make appointments and such I call and they tell me a day and time.  

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 11:38 AM

You could continue doing regular, planned transportation like you describe here, and make it known that you will not do any ad-hoc transportion like what you described in your OP. Make it well-known to everyone. That way they won't even ask you.

Quoting MamaBear131716: The receiving parent but since they are in school I take them. I pick them up friday and drop them off mon morning. Then he picks them up wed and i drop them off thurs.
Quoting FreedomTruth:

Who is ordered to transport? I will agree with her that you are helping DH not BM when it comes to anything. When I make appointments and such I call and they tell me a day and time.  


MamaBear131716
by Bronze Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 11:39 AM
Because dh many times can't pick them up or drop them off so he wouldn't get to see them. They will call and ask for me to get them.

Quoting whatIknownow:

You don't have to be dragged into anything. You can opt out of all transportation and let the two of them figure it out. You can take yourself out of the crossfire. How would that hurt the kids?

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