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Equality

Posted by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 11:48 AM
  • 12 Replies

So I know the theme on here is that SM's are not responsible for s-kids, and I get the reasoning for that, but I'm wondering if other people deal with feeling bad when they can allow their biokids to do things that the s-kids aren't allowed to do? I'll explain:

My SS11 wanted to do soccer and his mother doesn't want that to happen, she doesn't want either boys to do sports because she says her time with them is the most important thing.

I feel bad for my SSons because, 1) Sports are SUPER good for them, the confidence they had when they played was fabulous  2) I can sign my daughter up for the same sports, and now they're going to have to watch her do the things that they wanted to do and that feels so unfair.

The other example I have is, birthday parties. My husband is not real good at planning out a party, he's more of a "last minute" kind of guy. He really hasn't tried to create parties for the boys other then having family over, which is nice, but the boys are old enough that they should be having friends over too, but the problem there is that they really don't have friends (that's a whole other issue). Anyways, my point is, my oldest has had parties with other kids for the last 3 years, and my youngest is about to have her first. 

I'm wondering if I should be trying to facilitate the boys' parties more so they can have similar parties? I really hope this makes sense. Feel free to ask me to clarify because I'm not really sure how to word this. 

by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 11:48 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Rocker.Mom.07
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 11:56 AM

I asked my DH the other night how he thinks BM will handle EC's. SD is 6 right now, so nothing for her to really do or showing interest in...other than singing. He said he would love to get her into gymnastics because she is a hyper, agile, fearless little girl lol I think that would be so good for her. He just doesn't think BM will do it because that would mean, dun dun duuuuh! acting mature and uh oh, Communicating!

I feel bad because I want to get my oldest into dance and my 5 year old is showing interest in sports. So, my two will be doing ECs while SD might have to sit back and watch. I just really hope BM will grow up in the next couple years and put SDs best interest in mind for once.

leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 11:59 AM

I understand, I have had moments where I feel bad for SS but then I remember that is the choice made by one or both his parents and it is okay, they are allowed to make those choices for their child (ren) even though I would choose differently for mine.

owl0210
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:02 PM
Unfortunately things aren't always going to be equal when it comes to bio kids and step kids. I'm a BM and can only worry about my son and that's not to say I don't worry about my soon to be step-son but my fiance is perfectly capable of handling his own son and making sure that he plays sports and so on.
whatIknownow
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:07 PM

1) Sports -- if mom says they can't play and Dad can't over-ride her, then they can't play. There is nothing you can do about that.

2) Parties -- I see nothing wrong with you planning their parties (on dad's time). That is, if you want to. The "theme" as you said, is not that SM's *shouldn't* do anything for their stepkids, it's that they don't *have* to. Certainly if you want to, you can.

packermom4ever
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:07 PM

I never felt bad for being able to have my kids do things when their stepsibs didn't do them. My kids have always been in sports, SMs kids weren't. Not my problem. We take an awesome vacation every year, dad, Sm, her kids, and my kids went on one. Nothing wrong with that at all, but I'm not going to feel bad for her kids because my kids got to do something they didn't. 

I viewed them the same as I do any other kid and felt it was up to their parents to do for their own kids and don't feel bad for other kids when my children get to do something and those kids don't. It's part of life.

faerie75
by Ruby Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:10 PM

 i am not great at planning parties but SO and i plan our parties for the skids together.

as far as ec's idk what to suggest there, if BM is dead set against it. i would still allow my bio kid to participate. but id feel bad for the skids if they werent allowed to.

jules2boys
by Platinum Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:20 PM

In my situation, my boys play sports that their sisters can't/won't play.  Their sisters (BF/SMs girls) have to abide by their parents rules, the boys, by my rules (with occasional input from BF as he sees them so little).  Fortunately BF allows them to play, as long as he's not responsible for paying for most of it nor any transportation for it.  I agreed, so the boys can play.  The girls do have an EC (ballet, dance, something like that that SM agreed for them to do) but it's not the same as what the boys can do.  There is also an age difference (girls are 4 and 7 now, I think - boys are 11 and 16 now). 

I have no idea if SM thinks it's fair or unfair that the boys have their activities HOWEVER, I don't even force either boy to go watch the other play their sport, I'm unclear as to why your SSs would 'have' to go watch your kids play a sport too.  If there is time for them to go watch your kids play a sport when with BF, why isn't there time for them to play a sport on BFs time?  (I don't know/remember your visitation schedule, there may be good reasons why this won't work).

As for birthday parties.  BF has NEVER thrown the boys a 'friends' birthday party, not in their entire lives.  They do a 'family party' most years and include SMs family but BFs mom usually celebrates with me/my family for the boys parties rather than with BF/SM.  The boys do not have friends out where BF/SM live and it's doubtful any of their friends from here (where I live) would make the hour+ drive to attend a birthday party if he did throw one.  It's been offered for him to throw one down here (especially when they were younger, host one at Chuck E Cheese or a bounce place, just as he could/would where he lived) but he declined and left it to me.  The boys have been to/know that their sisters have had big friends parties at the house (brought in a bounce house or fun water activities, etc.) but they've never cared that they didn't get the same. 

This could be a boy/girl thing, it could be a BM/SM-BF thing for them, I don't know, never cared to ask nor do I think the boys would want to try to put it into works.  They've simply just not cared and I was fine with them not caring. 

How old are your SSs and how old are your kids?  How often are your SSs with you/Dh? That could play a part in whether they are bothered by it or not too.  Have the boys complained to you/BF that they haven't had the parties that your girls have/will have?  If not, I'd leave it alone. 

OvrMyHead
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:32 PM

I really burned myself out the first few years by trying to do for my SKs what I do for my own kids.  DH is custodial and didn't do all the grand party planning that I liked to do.  So, of course, I took on the super SM role and planned grand parties for all 4 kids.  Two things then happened, 1) I didn't feel like the SKs appreciated all of the work that went into their parties and 2) I was getting really burned out of party planning in general (I burned myself out by doing too much of a lot of things too).  Now I really don't feel like planning any parties and the kids are fortunately old enough to do most of that themselves.

I also felt bad because my kids see BF one night a week and SKs don't see BM at all (except 1 week a year, she lives far away) so I tried to take them out for dinner when my kids went with BF.  I wanted DH to take them out but he is always working late on weeknights. 

I still do a lot for my SKs but I've backed off of a lot.  I only had 2 kids because really that was all I could handle, I never would have had 4 kids given the choice.  And I never planned on raising the kids all by myself, I thought that I had an equal partner.

Yup, things are not fair, but I can't make them fair. 

lovelymomma87
by Bronze Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 2:00 PM

Right, that's what I think I meant by 'should', lol. I know I can plan the parties on our time, but things are so different in their social life and it's kind of exhausting because of different parenting and I've kind of just left it

Quoting whatIknownow:

1) Sports -- if mom says they can't play and Dad can't over-ride her, then they can't play. There is nothing you can do about that.

2) Parties -- I see nothing wrong with you planning their parties (on dad's time). That is, if you want to. The "theme" as you said, is not that SM's *shouldn't* do anything for their stepkids, it's that they don't *have* to. Certainly if you want to, you can.


bottomline
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 2:08 PM

 I understand you feeling bad because your BK's get to play sports while your Sk's want to but aren't allowed to.  If I were you I would still let my kids play EC's.  Maybe one day bm will change her mind and let SK's play sports?? Who knows?

As far as planning parties for the SK's, that is totally up to you. Do you think they really want the big party with other kids attending or not? DH's kids were night and day with social events like that. OSS did not like parties or social gatherings and YSS loved them. If you feel SK's would appreciate the party and your efforts in planning on then have at it.  But don't have one just because your kids like them, it may back fire.

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