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A bit of progress?! Yeey!

Posted by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:53 PM
  • 12 Replies

A bit of back story for those of you who are not familiar with my circumstances;  Dh has a 13 yo as and a 11 yo dd that are here every weekend and a couple eves a week. I have a 13 yo son from a previous relationship. We are raising a set of 7 yo twins we want to adopt. We have 2 dd together, aged 5 and 15 months. Dh used to be custodial parent to his kids, but due to school conflicts (ss got kicked out of the school division), dh gave the kids back to bm as she was able to get him in a program close to her home. Dh deeply regrets doing so. This all occurred shortly before we co habbitated. The original plan was for us all to live in one home.

Anyhow, when we first got together, dh was horrid at whisking the sk's away every weekend on fun activities while leaving out the house children consistently.During the week, dh was busy with work and resting and hardly bothered with the kids. He frequently would make plans with members of his family and meet up with them for meals and outings with just the step kids. Constantly. We talked and fought about this for many moons. It seemed like he would hear me out, apologize, be good for a weekend or two, then fall right back into the habit. After some time, these weekend fun trips slowed down, but he would still do the family thing w out any other kids. He did this to over compensate the time he lost with the skids. I didn't feel as if dh shouldn't spend any time w the skids alone, just that he had to divide his time more fairly. And concentrate more on large family events instead of just skids. This became a tiresome endeavor. It seemed as if it would never get through his thick skull.

One eve, he had plans to meet his dad for dinner w the step kids (again). I posted about this on here, actually, and, when he got home, called him out to our garage (aka, battle ground). Told him I would not allow him to continue to make our kids feel like second class citizens in their own home. And if shit didn't improve pronto, then maybe we just won't work out. That he has no consideration for his other children or my feelings or the divide he creates. He swore things would improve. Said he never thought of the whole second class citizen analogy. Promised he got it and wants nothing more then this family to work.

Flash forward a few months, and he's been fantastic! He's been great at including all children. And if he takes the skids or the older kids somewhere one day, he does something with the littel ones the next. He's been planning loads of fun stuff for us all to do on weekends together. We are more a family now then ever!

Sd is here for the week of spring break. Yesterday, fil texted sd and asked her if she wanted to go out for lunch alone. I told her to txt dad to ask if it's ok. Dh called me mins later saying "honey, how did you get your family to accept and include skids so well? (my family never leaves skids out.) I need to talk to my dad. I don't like that he thinks this is ok, and I know it's my fault. I will fix this. Please know that I'm not ok with this and I want it to change." I actually defended his dad to him. Told him now and then, it's ok. not like he's going to take 6 kids out for lunch all at once! LOL But dh still hit his dad's yesterday after work to talk to him. And his dad showed up to have dinner with the entire family and played with his grandchildren he hardly sees :) I'm just thrilled that dh has seen the light, so to speak!

Just a brag post, I guess. We've still got our hiccups, but, looks like this family is finally coming together! :D Big thanks to many of you who helped me through this!

by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 12:53 PM
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Replies (1-10):
mommawhite08
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 1:04 PM

That's great!  Glad he came around!

sheramom4
by Silver Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 1:08 PM

Awesome! 

And I love your woman logic versus man logic about taking the kiddo to lunch. My husband used to do that with my older two versus our younger two. If his mom wanted to take one out to do something he would question why only one and I would say because well. We don't like taking all four. It's hard to take all of them!

ms_amanda
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 1:45 PM
1 mom liked this

 Exactly! It's tough to have a large group out and about. it's much nicer to take 1 or 2 at a time. This way they get some quality individual time in together. It's all about balance. Some men seem to struggle with this concept.

Quoting sheramom4:

Awesome! 

And I love your woman logic versus man logic about taking the kiddo to lunch. My husband used to do that with my older two versus our younger two. If his mom wanted to take one out to do something he would question why only one and I would say because well. We don't like taking all four. It's hard to take all of them!

 

sheramom4
by Silver Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 1:48 PM


Quoting ms_amanda:

 Exactly! It's tough to have a large group out and about. it's much nicer to take 1 or 2 at a time. This way they get some quality individual time in together. It's all about balance. Some men seem to struggle with this concept.

Quoting sheramom4:

Awesome! 

And I love your woman logic versus man logic about taking the kiddo to lunch. My husband used to do that with my older two versus our younger two. If his mom wanted to take one out to do something he would question why only one and I would say because well. We don't like taking all four. It's hard to take all of them!


Yes they do! When our kids were little my my husband would want to go out "as a family" for things like grocery shopping. I just wanted to go get the damn milk and eggs lol. Now they are teens and Tweens and it is easier, but I still love my one on one time with them. And even getting out by myself. 

ms_amanda
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 2:00 PM

 Me too, big time! He even went as far as saying that he knows his dad takes the skids because he has a stronger bond with them but how does he ever expect to build a bond with the other children if he doesn't spend time with them. Also, about how his oldest son is adopted, so he falls under the same category as the twins and my son, so his dad should view all the kids the same. I was amazed. Surely didn't expect that :D

Quoting mommawhite08:

That's great!  Glad he came around!

 

snickerdoodle86
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 2:05 PM
That is great news! So glad things are working out and tht he is putting up that effort to change things! And talking to his dad had to be a big step for him! This is something that I worry about when it comes to mine and DH's future. We do not have any LOs yet but we are ttc at the moment and his DS is 8. There will be at least a 9 year gap between them. Hopefully it won't be as bad as I fear it being.
ms_amanda
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 2:11 PM
1 mom liked this

 

Quoting sheramom4:

 

Quoting ms_amanda:

 Exactly! It's tough to have a large group out and about. it's much nicer to take 1 or 2 at a time. This way they get some quality individual time in together. It's all about balance. Some men seem to struggle with this concept.

Quoting sheramom4:

Awesome! 

And I love your woman logic versus man logic about taking the kiddo to lunch. My husband used to do that with my older two versus our younger two. If his mom wanted to take one out to do something he would question why only one and I would say because well. We don't like taking all four. It's hard to take all of them!

 

Yes they do! When our kids were little my my husband would want to go out "as a family" for things like grocery shopping. I just wanted to go get the damn milk and eggs lol. Now they are teens and Tweens and it is easier, but I still love my one on one time with them. And even getting out by myself. 

 Dh used to go out with just the skids when shopping. He now has revised this to older kids and includes my son. The little ones aren't invited for good reason LOL They can be a hand full in stores.

We do a lot all together, but it's all fun types of things. Like hitting the sledding hill or skating rink. We've never taken all the kids shopping together. 7 kids in a grocery store is a recipe for disaster! LOL

ms_amanda
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 2:23 PM

 I honestly didn't expect him to react to his father that way. It was a huge step! I'm over the moon! I feel like we have so much more hope now. For a time, I wasn't certain if things would improve. He can be so stubborn.

Awe, congrats on the ttc! That's exciting! I'm sure the age gap will cause a bit of segregation as ss will likely want to do older kid stuff that lo won't be able to do. But, on the flip side, ss is old enough to fully enjoy having a younger sibling! He may just love helping out with the lo and playing/teaching lo. You guys will have a beautiful little family, so it will be a touch easier to split the time to ensure all the babes get lots of individual attention! Best of luck to your family! :D

Quoting snickerdoodle86: That is great news! So glad things are working out and tht he is putting up that effort to change things! And talking to his dad had to be a big step for him! This is something that I worry about when it comes to mine and DH's future. We do not have any LOs yet but we are ttc at the moment and his DS is 8. There will be at least a 9 year gap between them. Hopefully it won't be as bad as I fear it being.

 

ladybugchick317
by on Apr. 3, 2014 at 2:56 PM
1 mom liked this

 But at least it is progress.

luckystars2012
by Platinum Member on Apr. 3, 2014 at 6:25 PM
1 mom liked this
Urg. My husband does that. He wants to round up all 3 kids and trek to Harris teeter, and then we have to walk up and down every aisle, completely blowing my nice, planned grocery list, and overspend our grocery budget on whatever he happens to see. I'm like dude I need milk and lunch meat and broccoli get outta my face!" Lol

Quoting sheramom4:

Quoting ms_amanda:

 Exactly! It's tough to have a large group out and about. it's much nicer to take 1 or 2 at a time. This way they get some quality individual time in together. It's all about balance. Some men seem to struggle with this concept.


Quoting sheramom4:

Awesome! 


And I love your woman logic versus man logic about taking the kiddo to lunch. My husband used to do that with my older two versus our younger two. If his mom wanted to take one out to do something he would question why only one and I would say because well. We don't like taking all four. It's hard to take all of them!


Yes they do! When our kids were little my my husband would want to go out "as a family" for things like grocery shopping. I just wanted to go get the damn milk and eggs lol. Now they are teens and Tweens and it is easier, but I still love my one on one time with them. And even getting out by myself. 

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