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custody agreements

Posted by on Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:04 AM
  • 10 Replies
They are going to sit down with a mediator and try and work out an agreement!! Thank the lord! This has been a long time coming!
DF wants some input on what is most beneficial to have in a custody agreement. The mediator wants him to think about things like daycares, doctors, travel, holidays, and how much time he wants with his son (he wants all the time but knows it's unrealistic so he's going to ask for 50%)
So what's in your agreement?!
by on Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:04 AM
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Replies (1-10):
SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:36 AM
Check out www.custodyxchange.com

It's got a super helpful program you can download that will give you things you wouldn't normally think to include. Good luck!

Also, shoot for the moon...then you have some room for compromise so you have a better chance of ending up with what you want.
packermom4ever
by Still The Queen on Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:39 AM
4 moms liked this

rofr - if either parent can't be with the kids, the other parent keeps them. No exceptions made for gfs, bfs, or spouses. 


momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:40 AM
Things that were important to me:

Right of first refusal. My ex travels for work so I want her with me if he's not home. If I traveled, I would want her with him. I want the right to have my child first if he can't.

Independent rights. Each parent has joint rights and the independent right to make decisions on their parenting time. Meaning - when it's my parenting time, I want to be able to make decisions regarding my child's care without having to wait for an email response. We are both capable adults and should be trusted to do what's in her best interest.

Medical expenses to be split.

Extra curricular activities. Our daughter should have the right to a childhood. Not hindered by who's weekend it is. It's her life. Her time. I'm not talking about signing her up for 5 sports all at the same time. But if she has a band concert, she should be in attendance no matter who's day it is. If she has a school dance, she should be able to attend no matter who's weekend it is. If she wants to be in the chess club and attend meetings every Thursday after school, she should be able to attend no matter who's day it is.

Religious guidance: both parents should be able to guide their child in whatever belief they choose without the interference of the other.

Leaving the state: each parent should be notified of intent to travel outside of the state with the child.

Phone access: the child should have unmonitored phone access to each parent at all times. I don't like the wording 'at reasonable times' because each parent can have a different idea of what is reasonable, blocking one or the other parent from having any phone access. Set times are not bad.

Transportation: who's responsibility is it? Is it shared or is it the receiving parent or just one parent.

Pick up and drop off location: this needs to be specific. It may not seem necessary now or may have never been an issue - but trust me, if someone is needing a mediator now, it's likely this can become an issue at some other point later on down the line.

Geographic restriction: restrictions on where the parents can move. If one moves, how does that effect the schedule. How does it effect who will become the residential parent? Can the child be moved out of the county or out of the state? If one parent moves, does it void the restriction on the other parent?

School: who will pay for dues, tuition, fees, books, clothes? What school will the child attend? Can one parent change schools without the others consent? Does it have to be in a specific district? Who will be listed as the residential parent for school purposes? Who's zone is the school in?

Holidays: some only split holidays Christmas and thanksgiving. Others specify each holiday like Easter, Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day alternating each year.

Who will pay for child care? If it's 50/50 will the parents pay their own week or will one pay and one reimburse?

Birthdays - Mother's Day - Father's Day. Mine says that each parent gets time with the child on the birthday. So I usually have the day and dad usually has the evenings. I have Mother's Day. He gets Father's Day.

What about vacation time? Will you what to take a vacation at some point for an entire week? Or maybe you each can have two weeks at a time alternating throughout the summer. And again, who pays for childcare?

I may think of more. When I am asking questions, I'm not asking you to answer them - I'm giving them in a question format for your dh to ask himself. What would his answers be? Are these things important to him? One thing I learned a bit late but not too late is that the order should grow with the child best it can. My original order was specific to a preschool age child. We didn't address issues relating to a child of an older age. Like orthodontics. That had to be added. It's expensive to add so my suggestion is to think out as far as you can to about age 18, think of different scenarios.

Some people can live off of a CO that has no specifications and have no issues. My sisters court order is 16 years old and it's never once been modified. But they've never followed it. They just communicate and work together. There is nothing spelled out in her order. All it says is child lives with mom. Visits dad every other weekend (doesn't even specify what weekends of the month just every other weekend) and dad pays this Amount in CS. Nothing more. But they work together and don't need a court order. I on the other hand have to have every single detail spelled out. My new court order is 28 pages long. But I deal with a jerk who has to have everything spelled out or he interprets it to mean what he thinks it means.
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ChelseNichole
by Chelse on Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:41 AM
We have 50/50. Holidays are agreed upon amongst them, if they can't agree then they use our counties holiday guideline. Breaks from school and summer stays the same.

BM has the boys Mon and Wed overnight and eowe

We have them tues & thurs overnight and eowe.

It seems like a lot of back and forth but it really doesn't feel like it. It's been working for everyone.

Good luck!!
Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 1:27 AM
This pretty much says everything i would suggest.

Quoting momof2ex1: Things that were important to me:

Right of first refusal. My ex travels for work so I want her with me if he's not home. If I traveled, I would want her with him. I want the right to have my child first if he can't.

Independent rights. Each parent has joint rights and the independent right to make decisions on their parenting time. Meaning - when it's my parenting time, I want to be able to make decisions regarding my child's care without having to wait for an email response. We are both capable adults and should be trusted to do what's in her best interest.

Medical expenses to be split.

Extra curricular activities. Our daughter should have the right to a childhood. Not hindered by who's weekend it is. It's her life. Her time. I'm not talking about signing her up for 5 sports all at the same time. But if she has a band concert, she should be in attendance no matter who's day it is. If she has a school dance, she should be able to attend no matter who's weekend it is. If she wants to be in the chess club and attend meetings every Thursday after school, she should be able to attend no matter who's day it is.

Religious guidance: both parents should be able to guide their child in whatever belief they choose without the interference of the other.

Leaving the state: each parent should be notified of intent to travel outside of the state with the child.

Phone access: the child should have unmonitored phone access to each parent at all times. I don't like the wording 'at reasonable times' because each parent can have a different idea of what is reasonable, blocking one or the other parent from having any phone access. Set times are not bad.

Transportation: who's responsibility is it? Is it shared or is it the receiving parent or just one parent.

Pick up and drop off location: this needs to be specific. It may not seem necessary now or may have never been an issue - but trust me, if someone is needing a mediator now, it's likely this can become an issue at some other point later on down the line.

Geographic restriction: restrictions on where the parents can move. If one moves, how does that effect the schedule. How does it effect who will become the residential parent? Can the child be moved out of the county or out of the state? If one parent moves, does it void the restriction on the other parent?

School: who will pay for dues, tuition, fees, books, clothes? What school will the child attend? Can one parent change schools without the others consent? Does it have to be in a specific district? Who will be listed as the residential parent for school purposes? Who's zone is the school in?

Holidays: some only split holidays Christmas and thanksgiving. Others specify each holiday like Easter, Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day alternating each year.

Who will pay for child care? If it's 50/50 will the parents pay their own week or will one pay and one reimburse?

Birthdays - Mother's Day - Father's Day. Mine says that each parent gets time with the child on the birthday. So I usually have the day and dad usually has the evenings. I have Mother's Day. He gets Father's Day.

What about vacation time? Will you what to take a vacation at some point for an entire week? Or maybe you each can have two weeks at a time alternating throughout the summer. And again, who pays for childcare?

I may think of more. When I am asking questions, I'm not asking you to answer them - I'm giving them in a question format for your dh to ask himself. What would his answers be? Are these things important to him? One thing I learned a bit late but not too late is that the order should grow with the child best it can. My original order was specific to a preschool age child. We didn't address issues relating to a child of an older age. Like orthodontics. That had to be added. It's expensive to add so my suggestion is to think out as far as you can to about age 18, think of different scenarios.

Some people can live off of a CO that has no specifications and have no issues. My sisters court order is 16 years old and it's never once been modified. But they've never followed it. They just communicate and work together. There is nothing spelled out in her order. All it says is child lives with mom. Visits dad every other weekend (doesn't even specify what weekends of the month just every other weekend) and dad pays this Amount in CS. Nothing more. But they work together and don't need a court order. I on the other hand have to have every single detail spelled out. My new court order is 28 pages long. But I deal with a jerk who has to have everything spelled out or he interprets it to mean what he thinks it means.
chanizen
by Platinum Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 7:30 AM
This is a great list: most of it should have been no my agenda.

We had a low conflict divorce, though. My big thing was that he wasn't able to take her out of country without written permission from me. I also wanted the equity from the condo I bought while single so I could buy a condo in a safe area with a good school system.

He wanted low cs and joint custody.

We both got what we wanted.

:)

Quoting momof2ex1: Things that were important to me:

Right of first refusal. My ex travels for work so I want her with me if he's not home. If I traveled, I would want her with him. I want the right to have my child first if he can't.

Independent rights. Each parent has joint rights and the independent right to make decisions on their parenting time. Meaning - when it's my parenting time, I want to be able to make decisions regarding my child's care without having to wait for an email response. We are both capable adults and should be trusted to do what's in her best interest.

Medical expenses to be split.

Extra curricular activities. Our daughter should have the right to a childhood. Not hindered by who's weekend it is. It's her life. Her time. I'm not talking about signing her up for 5 sports all at the same time. But if she has a band concert, she should be in attendance no matter who's day it is. If she has a school dance, she should be able to attend no matter who's weekend it is. If she wants to be in the chess club and attend meetings every Thursday after school, she should be able to attend no matter who's day it is.

Religious guidance: both parents should be able to guide their child in whatever belief they choose without the interference of the other.

Leaving the state: each parent should be notified of intent to travel outside of the state with the child.

Phone access: the child should have unmonitored phone access to each parent at all times. I don't like the wording 'at reasonable times' because each parent can have a different idea of what is reasonable, blocking one or the other parent from having any phone access. Set times are not bad.

Transportation: who's responsibility is it? Is it shared or is it the receiving parent or just one parent.

Pick up and drop off location: this needs to be specific. It may not seem necessary now or may have never been an issue - but trust me, if someone is needing a mediator now, it's likely this can become an issue at some other point later on down the line.

Geographic restriction: restrictions on where the parents can move. If one moves, how does that effect the schedule. How does it effect who will become the residential parent? Can the child be moved out of the county or out of the state? If one parent moves, does it void the restriction on the other parent?

School: who will pay for dues, tuition, fees, books, clothes? What school will the child attend? Can one parent change schools without the others consent? Does it have to be in a specific district? Who will be listed as the residential parent for school purposes? Who's zone is the school in?

Holidays: some only split holidays Christmas and thanksgiving. Others specify each holiday like Easter, Memorial Day, July 4th, Labor Day alternating each year.

Who will pay for child care? If it's 50/50 will the parents pay their own week or will one pay and one reimburse?

Birthdays - Mother's Day - Father's Day. Mine says that each parent gets time with the child on the birthday. So I usually have the day and dad usually has the evenings. I have Mother's Day. He gets Father's Day.

What about vacation time? Will you what to take a vacation at some point for an entire week? Or maybe you each can have two weeks at a time alternating throughout the summer. And again, who pays for childcare?

I may think of more. When I am asking questions, I'm not asking you to answer them - I'm giving them in a question format for your dh to ask himself. What would his answers be? Are these things important to him? One thing I learned a bit late but not too late is that the order should grow with the child best it can. My original order was specific to a preschool age child. We didn't address issues relating to a child of an older age. Like orthodontics. That had to be added. It's expensive to add so my suggestion is to think out as far as you can to about age 18, think of different scenarios.

Some people can live off of a CO that has no specifications and have no issues. My sisters court order is 16 years old and it's never once been modified. But they've never followed it. They just communicate and work together. There is nothing spelled out in her order. All it says is child lives with mom. Visits dad every other weekend (doesn't even specify what weekends of the month just every other weekend) and dad pays this Amount in CS. Nothing more. But they work together and don't need a court order. I on the other hand have to have every single detail spelled out. My new court order is 28 pages long. But I deal with a jerk who has to have everything spelled out or he interprets it to mean what he thinks it means.
YNot4ever
by Bronze Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 8:40 AM

How to list the emergency contacts on school info.... should it go Mom, Dad, SM, etc.. what's the order? 

On school notes and such, how will you handle those?  Luckily, DH and BM work well.  We just make copies of what is necessary and send to the other house.  Report cards though SS brings home two, one for mom's house and one for ours.  

Father's day at dad's house, Mother's day at moms.  All other holidays are split and we just call and work it out based on when each family is eating etc.  The CO just says holidays are split.  DH and BM work together so SS sees all of each's family.  My family (being as I am the SM) does not take a priority at all.  If we happen to have him on the day my family is doing stuff, he gets to come along.  

Split the cost of all extra activities, medical bills, day care, school lunches, school supplies, etc.  

Any non emergency medical procedures must be cleared with both parents.  Clearly if it is an emergency, the parent with custody at that moment makes the decision.  With SS, around Thanksgiving he got chicken pox.  He was at BM's house, she called as they were going to the doctor.  DH has to be informed that they are going, then of course immediately after.  

Who carries the medical insurance on the child?  The opposite parent needs to have a copy of the insurance card within a timely manner of the child being added.  

Special days at school, like field trips.  Who has priority on going.  SS can have both mom and dad there, if they can not make it, then it can default to me or stepdad.  Then DH or BM's grandparents.  Then the step grandparents.  This was to prevent SS from having an entourage show up at every field trip, as SS is pretty lucky to have heavy involvement from family on all sides.  

Both parents should decide on a peditrician.  If the child requires a specialist of any sort in the future, the doctors name, address, phone number should be forwarded to the other parent assuming one took him to the pedi and got a referral.  Both parents should know of the appointment times with the specialist/doctor.


I need to think a bit... The ones above are the ones we have had to deal with, however the CO does have more detail.  Just some things, we don't really follow and adjust and do what is best for SS.   

Eternity807
by Bronze Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 9:01 AM

Who can pick up and drop off.  What to do if you're going to be late.  Who picks summer time first.  Who claims the child on taxes. 

Singlemama52
by on Apr. 9, 2014 at 9:08 AM
I had no corporal punishment put in mine to prevent stepmom and dad from spanking with both of their violent pasts.
Singlemama52
by on Apr. 9, 2014 at 9:09 AM
I also had it put that stepmom can't drive my kid because of her duis
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