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SPIN OFF: Does it get easier?

Posted by on Apr. 9, 2014 at 11:52 AM
  • 28 Replies

 Here is a spin off of leegirl_jm 's post.  I noticed that allot of you answered that the hardest thing about stepparenting is the bm drama.  And many of you said that you believe that you made it harder for yourselves.  I feel this way too.  I'm only 6 months into the marriage ....

For those of you stepmoms, 1) did it get easier with time? 2) How did you learn to not allow BM's actions to effect your emotions? 3) And did having your own children with DH make things easier or harder?

by on Apr. 9, 2014 at 11:52 AM
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Replies (1-10):
ramita
by Silver Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:08 PM
Yeah it got a lot easier on time, mostly because I stopped letting my insecurities get the best of me. Long story, but basically he picked her over me t one point so that thought was there in the beginning (before we were married). When I got over that things got better for me. Anytime my DH has to deal with Biomom it is stressful. Before it was because she did all she could to limit his time. Now if she calls (its been over a year) it's to cuss my DH out for something and generally has nothing to do with my SS (my DH has custody).
I am able to get past what the Biomom does/says because I have someone to vent to, my mom and sister. They let me fuss and then we laugh about whatever she said because it's generally not true or if there's truth it's blown WAY out of proportion. You've got to have that for yourself so you can be that for your DH (or he needs that from someone else mom, dad, friend, etc).

It made no real difference for me. I already had a daughter though so I came in with the mindset I was a mom, I didn't need someone else's kid to consider me mom. Even though she swore I was trying to be. Not sure how that works since my DH got him maybe once a month and I would spend maybe a day with him. I usually kept my DD with me and my DH would spend the weekend at his parents house so they could all hang out with him. My DD and I would come over for a few hours on Saturday and a few on Sunday for lunch after church.

Biggest advise I can give is know your insecurities and work past them, and have someone to vent with so you can laugh the stress off.
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:09 PM


Quoting mrsd2013:

 1) did it get easier with time? 

Yes, absolutely. I stopped worrying about things I couldn't change, and I stopped being such a control freak about everything.

2) How did you learn to not allow BM's actions to effect your emotions? 

I tried to develope some empathy for her. In my case, the mom gave up custody because of her bipolar disorder and inability to handle raising the kids. That is not a crime. I stopped viewing it as a crime. The kids are just fine. She's active in their lives. It's not that big a deal. Her rudeness and socially awkward behavior is not personal, it's part of her illness. It must be awful to not be able to raise your own kids. I started trying to see her as a victim of her brain chemistry, maybe she would be different if she hadn't gotten sick. Once I started to think about her that way, I was able to brush off the things she did and just attribute them to her illness.

3) And did having your own children with DH make things easier or harder?

I don't have my own children with DH, but having my own children (and seeing DH in the SF role) also helped. Since we each had 2 kids, it was easy to feel that we were both doing the same amount of work for each other's kids, so that the labor was equally distributed.


MamaBear131716
by Bronze Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:19 PM
It's been almost 4 years. It hasn't gotten any easier. There was a point in time BM and I were friendly but that didn't last long and as soon as DH upset her she went on attack mode towards me too.

I haven't learned how to not let it affect me. I'm still working on that. She takes up soooo much head space, I hate it but don't quite know how to stop it.

Having our own didn't really change anything.
jules2boys
by Gold Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:22 PM

I'm not a SM but I can share my observation for #3.  SM in my situation wanted to 'control' everything too, and she met resistance from me. :)  She stopped trying to control everything a few years in (to her marriage to BF) after she and XH had their first child.  Once she had someone else to focus on things either changed for her OR she just didn't have time to focus so darned much on the kids that I have with BF.  Either way, it got easier for me once they had their first (and even easier once their 2nd came along).  I can't say if she gained empathy for me, if she stopped thinking about me, or if she simply didn't have time to devote to trying to control my home as well as hers, but, I was grateful that things calmed down on her part once she had the 1st girl.  XH and I argued less and that was a relief, likely to both of us. 

(for what it's worth, I'm not a mentally ill BM and I didn't cause drama unless I was pushed.  I'm a fairly even keel person but if you marry my XH and then decide that he and I aren't doing things 'right' (for you), well, yeah, I'll push back.  :) )

Polkadotted
by Gold Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:28 PM

1) yes, but I think it was bacause BM had another kid and boyfriend and then broke up with him.  2) distance 3) neither- things didn't change.... well I guess I wasn't as critical of BM.

SassyMom25
by Gold Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:30 PM

1) Did it get easier with time? I think that what came with time was acceptance of the situation with BM and understanding that no one could change her actions and my greatest power was my reaction to them.

2) How did you learn to not allow BM's actions to effect your emotions? I don't know if you can. Her actions still affect my emotions...but they have never been the center or them. I think the only true way to keep BMs action's from affecting you...is for your DH to deal with her and for you to stay totally separate from those things.

3) And did having your own children with DH make things easier or harder? Having kids together didn't change anything for us.

RonansMommy02
by Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:30 PM

I'm only 2.5 years in, and up until recently I've tried too hard to be involved in things I shouldn't be, so this is still fairly new to me as well.

For me having a child with DF has made things slightly harder because I feel as if my son is/will be treated differently then SS because DF and BM are raising him differently than DF and I are raising our son. I feel as if he will feel left out or inferior to his brother. He's only 9 months old so hopefully I can have things figured out before he starts to feel that way...and maybe he never will and it's just my worrying mind getting the best of me.

And I agree with the other ladies, besides BM changing her mind last second, and playing mind games, I'm the one that makes it hard. I need to learn to step back and let them deal with things concerning their son, to be less involved emotionally. It's a learning curve and it's something I struggle with. I've been in SS's life since he was 4 months old so I've been there for everything and it's hard to seperate myself from feeling as though I'm his mom, when I'm not. I need to sort that out before he starts to resent me for unintentionally trying to replace the mom he already has.

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:32 PM
1. It did get easier with time, as soon as i stepped back and let DH deal with his ex. I didn't make a baby with her, therefore i was under no expectation to deal with her.

2. It's the same as any other obnoxious person. People only have power over me when i allow it. I refuse to let someone, anyone, control my emotions and my life. Step back, take a deep breath, and let DH deal with it.

3. DH and i have 3 children together. In someways it made it more difficult because i REALLY wanted to protect them from the drama and especially the pain/frustrstions of having their sister come and go. It was also more difficult for SD who used to get really upset that the other kids didn't come and go.

I've been a SM for over 12 yeard, SD is nearly 14. I've been a NCSM, 50/50 SM, and CSM. All have their ups and downs. DH is a great father and husband. He respects BM as SD's mother, and he respects me and his wife and mother to his other 3 chuldren. BM and I have very little contact and I'm OK with that :)
twinklebites
by Silver Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:47 PM

Having no control over things that are not going well is extremely hard for me to handle.

 Blended families have a lot of "get over it" to be able to succeed. Its getting easier to deal with boundries are an absolute for me and SO and I are still forming those as things arise.

SM36477
by Bronze Member on Apr. 9, 2014 at 12:54 PM

1) did it get easier with time?  Over time it did get easier.  This had more to do with finally getting stronger CO and DH learning that BM can't keep him from his son just because DH doesn't give her her way.  Also, BM got married and SF is great to deal with and many times he is her voice of reason. 

2) How did you learn to not allow BM's actions to effect your emotions? On my part, I decided early on to let most of her drama go.  She screams at me constantly in public, I just go on about my business and don't let it take up too much space in my mind.  Counseling was very helpful for me (and DH), it helped me come to terms with the fact that it's not me.  BM would've hated Mother Theresa, because that's just how she is. Counseling also gave DH the tools that he needed to be a support to me when dealing with BM.

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