Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Helping a sk in the hardest times...

Posted by on Apr. 17, 2014 at 7:22 PM
  • 66 Replies

 My question is: How do you help a step child that is going through a difficult time?

The story: (Some have read this a few times) Dh is going through a heated custody battle.  He has requested full custody.  Bm is an addict and her behavior is becoming increasingly dangerous.  She has been making false abuse allegations to harass DH and I, and to try to sway the decision for custody.  She is facing criminal charges for wasting CPS time and putting her child through that.  She has been harassing and stalking our home. And today she got in a car accident with ss5 in the car (DH is trying to find out if she can be drug tested).  And DH was informed of something that will inpact the case that happened a few weeks with her and the police (with ss present today).

Dh has been handling things really well but today is having a really hard time with it.  He wants this whole thing to be done and is scared that something bad is going to happen to ss.  SS has been having really bad tantrums.  His attitude is so different when he comes over. And usually goes back to being himself the next day (after sleeping in our home).  We just love on him and play with him to get his mind off things.  I plan crafts and activities for us (he and my ds) to do together.  The boys and my husband wrestle and do boy stuff together.  But nothing is working today.  It really hard on our whole family.  He is confused, stressed and going through something very difficult.  He senses the tension. 

Are we supposed to do whatever make ss happy?  Keep our house rules? Just deal with it until custody is figured out?

Thanks ladies.  I dont have any friends that have gone through anything like this so it helps to hear what you would do.

by on Apr. 17, 2014 at 7:22 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
faerie75
by Platinum Member on Apr. 17, 2014 at 7:31 PM
4 moms liked this

 i would continue w house rules but just be a little understanding and also give him love. also look into therapy. poor kid.

jules2boys
by Gold Member on Apr. 17, 2014 at 7:35 PM

Is SS in counseling for this situation? If not, he should be, to help him gain the tools to deal with his feelings (of which there are likely many he feels, many conflicting feelings).  If he's in counseling, I'd talk to the counselor and see what path would be best for where SS is right now.  Sometimes the consistency of the house rules are what is needed, so he knows exactly what to expect and there is comfort in that, even when resisting those rules.  Sometimes it's better for the one stressed to just 'go with the flow' and do what keeps everyone happy and distracted from all that is going on around them. 

amanda_mom89
by Gold Member on Apr. 17, 2014 at 7:41 PM
3 moms liked this
My SD has had some difficult days, both during and since the custody change.

You take the good days with the bad. Kids are human too. They have bad days just like grownups Do. The difference is that they are less capable of communicating their stress, fear, anger verbally. This is bound to be rough on him.

Just keep a routine, be calm and understanding but don't cater to him. Don't ignore behavior that needs to be redirected but be sensitive to his feelings. Don't give in to his every tantrum and whim but continue giving him activities to serve as an outlet or distraction.

It's about finding a balance and reminding yourself of the strain these things have on kids. But you definitely don't want to set a precedent for allowing bad behavior. Kids have to be taught positive healthy ways to manage their feelings.
AmericanDream
by Gold Member on Apr. 17, 2014 at 7:42 PM
I agree with this. Keep the general structure because that is especially important when kids are struggling with chaos, but take lots of deep breaths and maybe be a but more lenient.

Did he just get back, today?



Quoting faerie75:

 i would continue w house rules but just be a little understanding and also give him love. also look into therapy. poor kid.

mrsd2013
by Bronze Member on Apr. 17, 2014 at 7:44 PM

 Thanks for the advice!  BM was taking ss to an abuse couselor. BM didnt tell dh about it.  When DH found out, the couselor was given a copy of the cps report.  the couselor decided not to see ss anymore.  Getting him into therepy is something dh would like to do when/if custody is changed or decided. 

Quoting jules2boys:

Is SS in counseling for this situation? If not, he should be, to help him gain the tools to deal with his feelings (of which there are likely many he feels, many conflicting feelings).  If he's in counseling, I'd talk to the counselor and see what path would be best for where SS is right now.  Sometimes the consistency of the house rules are what is needed, so he knows exactly what to expect and there is comfort in that, even when resisting those rules.  Sometimes it's better for the one stressed to just 'go with the flow' and do what keeps everyone happy and distracted from all that is going on around them. 

 

mrsd2013
by Bronze Member on Apr. 17, 2014 at 7:45 PM

 I did pick up a couple books for kids on "When I feel angry" and one on being scared. We read together allot.

AtillaTheHun
by facta, non verba on Apr. 17, 2014 at 7:45 PM
I'd see about having her drug tested, and file an ex parte order to get custody, and take it from there.
mrsd2013
by Bronze Member on Apr. 17, 2014 at 7:48 PM

Yes.  This evening.  We/DH had him for 10 days during spring break.  BM had him for 4 days. And now ss is back through Sunday pm.  I'm hoping tomorrow is better. 

Quoting AmericanDream: I agree with this. Keep the general structure because that is especially important when kids are struggling with chaos, but take lots of deep breaths and maybe be a but more lenient. Did he just get back, today?
Quoting faerie75:

 i would continue w house rules but just be a little understanding and also give him love. also look into therapy. poor kid.

 

mrsd2013
by Bronze Member on Apr. 17, 2014 at 7:50 PM
1 mom liked this

 Dh did file for emergancy custody in January.  But it was denied due to the judge not having all the social worker reports.  He should see if he can try agian!

Quoting AtillaTheHun: I'd see about having her drug tested, and file an ex parte order to get custody, and take it from there.

 

mrsd2013
by Bronze Member on Apr. 17, 2014 at 7:52 PM

 Oh and she has been drug tested once.  Positive.  But DH is hoping she can be again because of the accident and having ss in the car. 

Quoting AtillaTheHun: I'd see about having her drug tested, and file an ex parte order to get custody, and take it from there.

 

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)