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Need Advice from SMs, CPS Investigation

Posted by on Apr. 18, 2014 at 12:24 PM
  • 34 Replies

 Have any of you been reported to CPS by either BM or SKs?  I posted a few weeks ago about SS calling 911 on me because I asked him to bring me his cologne...

Well, DH came home early today with a funny look on his face.  Turns out he was meeting with CPS.  Either the 911 call prompted a complaint to CPS or BM called CPS (this is not the first time, but its been a while).  Anyway, both SKs were interviewed by CPS at school and now DH met with them today.  Apparently the SKs told them that I had verbally abused them in the past (I don't know exactly what they told them).  I've been living with my SKs full time for the past 5 years and BM sees them 1-2 weeks a year and DH works long hours so you can imagine that I've been around long enough for some of my finest moments to show up.  I asked DH what they said the SKs told CPS and apparently they were mentioning things from past years?  IDK.

Anyway, my SS, who is almost 13, is the instigator here, as is BM.  SS is ODD/ADHD and on the autism spectrum and takes medication for aggression (has since he was 6).  The thing is, he doesn't really exhibit any autistic characteristics but they say he is on the spectrum.  He gets good grades and plays sports, although he is not that great of an athlete, he enjoys it.  This year we got him into umpiring.  He's been suspended from school twice this year for bothering 2 different girls.  He is in counseling, has been for the past 7 years, off and on.

Anyway, I told DH that I feel like I'm living with a dog who bites and may attack me at any time.  It is not possible for DH to be here every time SS is here alone so I don't have that extra adult in the house to make sure I'm not really abusing anyone.  SS going to live with BM is probably not going to work because she is mentally unstable, in and out of mental hospitals.  I mentioned to DH about having him move out and get an apartment with just DH and the SKs which would financially devistate me as I have this big house payment now.  DH does NOT want to leave me.  The only solution DH can think of is to send SS to a boarding school.

What the heck am I supposed to do here?  I am at a total loss. 

Married, CSM to SD14 & SS12, CBM to DS12 & DD9

by on Apr. 18, 2014 at 12:24 PM
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Replies (1-10):
leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Apr. 18, 2014 at 12:36 PM
3 moms liked this

I would look into the boarding school option. At 13, a child should know right from wrong, and that actions have consequences. 

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Apr. 18, 2014 at 12:37 PM

 Guess so.  I have no experience whatsoever with boarding schools, guess DH will have to figure this out.

Quoting leegirl_jm:

I would look into the boarding school option. At 13, a child should know right from wrong, and that actions have consequences. 

 

Married, CSM to SD14 & SS12, CBM to DS12 & DD9

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Apr. 18, 2014 at 12:43 PM

Boarding schools are expensive, you could qualify for financial aid, is he officially special needs?

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Apr. 18, 2014 at 12:46 PM

 Yes, officially special needs.  He would need a place that could provide counseling or behavior modification, something like that.  I've heard they are expensive, no idea how that would work.

Quoting leegirl_jm:

Boarding schools are expensive, you could qualify for financial aid, is he officially special needs?

 

Married, CSM to SD14 & SS12, CBM to DS12 & DD9

leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on Apr. 18, 2014 at 12:51 PM

Do you think and feel that your husband trusts your word and actions 100% in this? I would suggest you state your boundaries and let your DH figure the rest.

OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Apr. 18, 2014 at 12:54 PM

 Right, DH has to figure this out.  I do think he trusts me 100%.

Quoting leegirl_jm:

Do you think and feel that your husband trusts your word and actions 100% in this? I would suggest you state your boundaries and let your DH figure the rest.

 

Married, CSM to SD14 & SS12, CBM to DS12 & DD9

Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 18, 2014 at 12:59 PM
1 mom liked this

Well, it sounds to me like they're just doing their initial investigation and haven't come to any conclusions so I think I would just sit on it for now.

What concerns me is that both kids told CPS that you verbally abused them.  What does that mean exactly?  If both are saying it independently of each other and they have lived with you guys for 5 years, I hate to seem mean, but is it possible that you really are being verbally abusive?

I honestly can't imagine my skids saying that to anyone and I have been pretty firm with them, have even yelled a handful of times over the years.   I haven't always been their favorite person is my point.  But they still don't tell people that I verbally abuse them.  So I would really have to get introspective on that.

As far as a solution, I think that if you and your DH do not feel that you are being verbally abusive and CPS doesn't make a case for a new parenting plan, then your DH just needs to sit his kids down and make sure they understand the seriousness of making false claims.  I don't think your DH needs to jump into getting an apartment or investigating boarding schools.  BOTH kids apparently said something.  So BOTH kids need to be addressed. 

I would think about a nanny cam that the kids don't know about. 


OvrMyHead
by Silver Member on Apr. 18, 2014 at 1:08 PM

 Over the past 5 years I have yelled and probably said some things that I shouldn't have.  But no, I am not abusive.  If you add up all of my moments over that period of time and that is all you look at, then perhaps that is the picture you will see.  But that is only a fraction of a percentage of my time with them. 

 

Quoting Birdseed:

Well, it sounds to me like they're just doing their initial investigation and haven't come to any conclusions so I think I would just sit on it for now.

What concerns me is that both kids told CPS that you verbally abused them.  What does that mean exactly?  If both are saying it independently of each other and they have lived with you guys for 5 years, I hate to seem mean, but is it possible that you really are being verbally abusive?

I honestly can't imagine my skids saying that to anyone and I have been pretty firm with them, have even yelled a handful of times over the years.   I haven't always been their favorite person is my point.  But they still don't tell people that I verbally abuse them.  So I would really have to get introspective on that.

As far as a solution, I think that if you and your DH do not feel that you are being verbally abusive and CPS doesn't make a case for a new parenting plan, then your DH just needs to sit his kids down and make sure they understand the seriousness of making false claims.  I don't think your DH needs to jump into getting an apartment or investigating boarding schools.  BOTH kids apparently said something.  So BOTH kids need to be addressed. 

I would think about a nanny cam that the kids don't know about. 

 

 

Married, CSM to SD14 & SS12, CBM to DS12 & DD9

stepdiva
by Bronze Member on Apr. 18, 2014 at 1:09 PM
2 moms liked this
Nanny cam might just be the ticket. We are probably all verbally abusive at times without even realizing it. We are human beings and in families, it isn't always easy to be 100% diplomatic 100% of the time. Shit happens.
I feel for you, girl.
My DSS was going to call CPS on his dad (one of only 2 times my DH got pissed at DSS) and I said let me dial the number for you. He never mentioned it again. And my DH was completely out of control that time. I had to step in and stop it, it was ugly.
Birdseed
by Platinum Member on Apr. 18, 2014 at 1:19 PM

I understand and I think most parents would have the same picture.  It's not always sunshine, rainbows and unicorn farts. However, it's still concerning to me that both kids drew that picture when you're only having an issue with one. 

I suspect that none of this is going to go anywhere.  Given how hard it is to get kids out of truly dangerous situations, and with no physical concerns being voiced, I think it's just a matter of going through the motions.  And to make drastic changes to remove you or remove the kids from your presence would probably just reinforce the poor behaviors/choices.

I really do think it would be in your best interest to get a few nanny cams installed and also to try to find a way for DH to be present more.  Else have a babysitter or someone else in the home. If these accusations are completely false, you need to have a way to protect yourself.


Quoting OvrMyHead:

 Over the past 5 years I have yelled and probably said some things that I shouldn't have.  But no, I am not abusive.  If you add up all of my moments over that period of time and that is all you look at, then perhaps that is the picture you will see.  But that is only a fraction of a percentage of my time with them. 

 

 


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