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BM came into my house this morning to corner my hubby...what would you do?

Posted by on Apr. 18, 2014 at 12:45 PM
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So, my prior self (6months to a year ago) would have gotten extremely pissed off and let it ruin my whole day after what happened this morning. But, I am happy to say that my stepkids BM no longer gets under my skin the way she used to. I don't allow it anymore. I am very civil with her and we coordinate care for kids bc my husband works 70+ hours a week. She likes me and I choose not to despise her just because of the situation. I have overcome a lot since being involved in this family affair (going on 3 years now). It hasn't been easy but I'm getting there. So, my oldest step daughter has poison ivy from head to toe and her dad was putting on lotion for her in the bathroom when BM came to pick kids up. Since their dad was home this morning, which is very rare, BM decided to corner him in the bathroom because he hasn't responded to her calls/texts about an issue she finds important. SHe knocks on the door, I tell her to come in. SHe says hi to me and my 10 month old playing on the mat and goes straight to the bathroom. Knocks on that door and starts questioning him and complains that he never responds to her. He calmly responds that he works all day everyday and the only reason he is home this morning is because of a shut down at the plant. SHe starts questioning him about this, that, & the other (while he is stil helping his daughter and she is in tears because of her terribly, uncomfortable rash). He asks her if they can discuss any issues later and he doesn't want to do this right now, not here. She ignores his requests and keeps talking and questioning him. He starts to get mad and raises his voice, repeating what he said, asking her to not talk about any issues right now and they can talk later. She continues, saying she doesn't understand why he is getting so upset? Really? She doesn't let up and he tells her to please leave the house. She continues to talk over him until he shuts the bathroom door on her, telling her to leave. She comes out to the living rom with a smile on her face asking where her daughter went. I smile and say "Ok, we'll see you later" as a nice way to say please leave now. Her daughter is still in tears and they both leave. He comes out furious, going on and on about her. She really has no respect or boundaries. We don't like to get nasty with her but she doesn't get it. He doesn't want to tell her she is not allowed in the house but it is getting to that point...at least when he is home. SHe has her own agenda and that is what is most important, it seems, no matter what else is going on around her. Now, my former self woluld have tried to intervene to try and diffuse the situation but that has NEVER worked in the past. It only puts me in the middle when it has nothing to do with me. Nor did I want to be involved or get angry in front of my baby. I was a little annoyed at the fact that she wouldn't let up when he was clearly getting irritated. For the sake of everyone around her, including my son, she should have known better. Then was not the time or the place to discuss any issue with him, especially in front of the kids. No tact. Either way, I was proud of myself. Maybe some of you would have done differently and I'm sure everyone has different relationships with their stepkids BM. But, I do my best to keep the peace & stay out of their arguments. THe most thing I was proud of was not letting her actions or behavior get to me or ruin my day! That feels great!

by on Apr. 18, 2014 at 12:45 PM
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CFSTBSM27
by on Apr. 18, 2014 at 12:51 PM
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Takes strength to be calm like that I guess. Me? I would have told her to please leave my home and discuss their concerns on their time. You can say exactly that without being rude. Then again DH would have done it first. If she has issues there's a time and place for discussions IMO it's not when a child is not feeling well in the other home. I can however picture BM doing that to DHs past gfs but she learned that with me that there are boundaries. It's like a force field
MySweetGuy
by on Apr. 18, 2014 at 1:14 PM
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I am good at being calm under pressure but usually lose my cool after the fact, when the children aren't around. But, I didn't let it get to me today and it was great! I let him vent for a minute and then we moved on to enjoy our day and not let her consume our thoughts. I let her know my boundaries and tell her what is acceptable between the two of us, not in front of kids, babies, and especially during an already difficult situation the child was going through. Good for you for having boundaries!! It is SO necessary.

wise.toes
by Silver Member on Apr. 18, 2014 at 1:22 PM
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i wouldn't have let her in my home to begin with.

it's up to YOU two to set the boundaries, since she clearly doesn't have common courtesy. 

cdrainey3
by Cher on Apr. 18, 2014 at 1:25 PM
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It takes a lot not to get annoyed. However, I can kind of understand why she was so irritated and upset, he's never responding to her. Maybe she felt like that was the only way to get his attention. He should consider his communication tactics a little better and maybe stuff like that wont happen.
momof2ex1
by Ruby Member on Apr. 18, 2014 at 1:29 PM
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Why hasn't be returned her attempts to communicate?
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pdxmum
by Ruby Member on Apr. 18, 2014 at 1:31 PM
Good for you for staying out of it.

Reality is, your DH gave her a reason to do what she did. Ignoring her is obviously not effective. Why didn't he respond to the issue she thought was important?

Listen, I am not defending BM, so don't jump to some I must be a bitter BM conclusion. BM is who BM us. I bet you could have predicted she would act inappropriately sooner or later if she is ignored.

So, for everyone's sake, DH should not ignore her. But if he does, none of you should be surprised when she reacts the way she has proven she will.

BF used to try and have business discussions when DDs were around. Always when he had avoided the talk because he knew he had fucked up. So I understand the way an ex can try and manipulate a situation. Your DH needs to figure out how to not let that happen. I handled it by telling BF I would not discuss the girls or the business if the girls support in front of the girls. And if he continued, I would simply smile and say call me later and we can talk. Then I would close the door and go bake cookies with DDs.

And you may need to ban her from your home for awhile. I had to with BF. He had no boundaries.
jules2boys
by Gold Member on Apr. 18, 2014 at 1:33 PM
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You handled your end beautifully!  I'm glad it's working for you AND happy it didn't ruin your day or put you in a bad mood, not even for a little bit!  That's huge progress!  Good for you! 

As for BM, well, I can kind of see her point I guess. If your DH is ignoring her calls/texts about an issue she finds important, what other opportunity does she have to get an answer from him if he's working 70+ hours a week and ignoring her?  I, myself, wouldn't have done what she did, but I can see why she may have if she doesn't feel he's 'available' often to respond to her questions/concerns.  ME?  I'd have taken a non response as permission to do as I saw fit.  XH knows that.  I'll send him a question (we email) then one 'reminder', but then I'm done.  I don't keep nagging him.  If it's not important enough to him to respond, I'll do things on my own (he does the same if he sends me something I don't respond to).  It works for us.  I can see how it wouldn't work for others though. 

She should NOT have cornered him in the bathroom while dealing with a child in pain/discomfort.  That was just plain rude on her part.  :(  I hope your SD feels better soon and the lotion helps relieve her pain/discomfort quickly (and she doesn't itch and spread it more!).  I haven't had that since I was a kid (I don't live or go where it grows anymore) but I still remember how awful it felt.  :( 

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Apr. 18, 2014 at 1:40 PM
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Well even if BM should have known better, she was the one that kept her cool, your DH is the one that lost it.

He did exactly what my DH would have done.  Got upset and yelled.  I'm sure that's the reaction BM was wanting to get out of him so she could point out to their child that DH is a meanie.

You can't have boundaries with BM if you let her in the house and allow her to just go upstairs as she pleases.  You should have let her in, not "Come in!!!" and said, "Wait here, I'll let DH and SD know you're here...can you watch baby for a second?  Thanks!"  And before it gets to you having to do that, maybe DH should just tell BM that since she can't take a hint and LEAVE the first time she's asked, that when invited in, she will go nowhere in the house except the entryway and someone will get the kid(s) for her.  NOT HER HOUSE.

Start setting up boundaries, then DH will never be cornered like that again.  It's great that you don't deal with BM, but sometimes you have to be the gatekeeper...especially if you're the one answering the front door.  ;-)  KWIM?

MySweetGuy
by on Apr. 18, 2014 at 1:43 PM

He hasn't responded soon enough for her liking ( a day or two). She texts numerous times a day to both of us. More so to me because he cannot use his phone at work or he wil get in trouble. She likes things planned ahead of time (sometimes weeks or a month ahead) and prefers things taken care of for her own peace of mind. When it suits her, she will text & respond when she feels like it. Other times, she doesn't respond to us when we may need something or need to work out a schedule change, ets. He works from 530am-530pm 7 days a week with an hour commute both ways. Does he put off talking to her at times...sure. Should he communicate better with her? Sure. But, I don't believe that gives her the right to walk into my house & start an argument over it. SHe can continue to call, text, or email him or maybe ask him to speak outside when he was finished with what he was doing. There are better ways to handle things. As for me, I do set my boundaries with her and have had to many times in the past tell her what is acceptable and what isn't. She has been allowed in our home so today was no different. Maybe she won't be allowed to come in when she feels like it in the future.

MySweetGuy
by on Apr. 18, 2014 at 1:55 PM

 You make a good point here. I do feel BM did this for the sole purpose of making her point. She knew what his response would be. Even after he got irritated, she continued. She knew exactly why he was gettig upset and played dumb. Yes, next time, I will surely tell her to wait and I wil get him. Unfotunately, our place is quite small and bathroom is only a few steps from the front door..ha. So she didn't have to go very far. Things have been fairly good lately so I surely wasn't expecting this but you never know with the two of them. A while back, it was decided that ALL issues would be emailed or texted. They couldn't even have a conversation about most things and this was her rule. SHe decided to change that because she felt the need to all of a sudden. CLearly, the rules don't apply to her and we are forced to remind her. Ahhhh Well. Thanks for your input :) DH def needs to work on his reactions with her. I get frustrated with him about this! He says he tries but can't help it. She knows exactly how to push his buttons...obviously.

Quoting sandeeyo:

Well even if BM should have known better, she was the one that kept her cool, your DH is the one that lost it.

He did exactly what my DH would have done.  Got upset and yelled.  I'm sure that's the reaction BM was wanting to get out of him so she could point out to their child that DH is a meanie.

You can't have boundaries with BM if you let her in the house and allow her to just go upstairs as she pleases.  You should have let her in, not "Come in!!!" and said, "Wait here, I'll let DH and SD know you're here...can you watch baby for a second?  Thanks!"  And before it gets to you having to do that, maybe DH should just tell BM that since she can't take a hint and LEAVE the first time she's asked, that when invited in, she will go nowhere in the house except the entryway and someone will get the kid(s) for her.  NOT HER HOUSE.

Start setting up boundaries, then DH will never be cornered like that again.  It's great that you don't deal with BM, but sometimes you have to be the gatekeeper...especially if you're the one answering the front door.  ;-)  KWIM?

 

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